8 year old girl has boyfriends - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
1  2
Preteens and Teens > 8 year old girl has boyfriends
meowee's Avatar meowee 06:08 PM 12-22-2006
He says the dance is sponsored by the city hall, for ages 6-14, and the 6 and 7 year olds need a chaperone (but not the 8 year olds, I guess). They live in a suburb of montreal...

Yoshua's Avatar Yoshua 06:24 PM 12-22-2006
14 year olds are starting to, if not already exploring their sexuality.


Anyone who sends an 8 year old girl in with that age group is guilty of neglect and any problems they have is totally their fault for failing as a parent.




I would NEVER allow such an age range unsupervised. Why? because younger kids model older kids 95% of the time and then find out later the consequences of those actions.


If they see older kids making out, they too will want to see what hte deal about it is.


Your friend needs to learn how to be a father, sooner than later.
Flor's Avatar Flor 08:34 PM 12-22-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by meowee View Post
He says the dance is sponsored by the city hall, for ages 6-14, and the 6 and 7 year olds need a chaperone (but not the 8 year olds, I guess). They live in a suburb of montreal...
That is insane! Why would 14 yo want to hang out with 6 year olds? Is it really a "dance" or some kind of recreation time where some kids might dance? I wouldn't even let a 6 yo be babysat by a fourteen yo, much less go to a dance with them!
aywilkes's Avatar aywilkes 09:11 PM 12-22-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by meowee View Post
She just turned 8 last month .

Apparently she always had "boyfriends" since kindergarten, but it is progressing to kissing, phoning, chatting, etc.

Both of his kids have totally unsupervised, full access to the internet. As far as I know, the kissing takes place at birthday parties, dinners, school, and dances.

As far as he knows she has not been sexually abused.

I also told him it is his responsibility to have her stop, somehow, and understand that she is hurting herself... but he is acting like the sitution is hopeless.

He thinks these boys are her age, but I agree with mothra, I don't know any 8 year old boys who would do this stuff either .
I have a 9 yr. old and he has Liked a few girls since 6 or so. But like as in, she got a new hairstyle (he's into that) and he likes her. Now he likes a little girl b/c she is a violinist, speaks with a british accent, likes jazz, r&b, and classical music, loves to dance. They have similar interests. I certainly don't encourage it but kissing and stuff is not in his mind. Now, there was a little girl when he was SIX who told him that if he wants her to like him, then he needed to stop sucking his finger, follow her instructions, and have SEX (i said it) SEX with her. :
WTH?!?!? I told the teacher and she said, yeah, she is kinda spicy. At age 7 another little girl told him to pump another boy. He didn't know what this was of course - this girl was 9 or so.

Anyway, I definitely think the dad needs to limit access to the internet, talk to his daughter about appropriate and inappropriate. (e.g. my ds asked me how old can he be to have a girlfriend...i said 16 with a job and just explained that there are so many other things to do with his life that girls early are just unnecessary. My strategy is to continue to support his interests so that he remains involved in activities that require his energy and time to be spent on more important things. We'll see how this works - he hasn't reached the teen years yet. I would suggest that the dad try to get his daughter involved in some stuff that is positive, promotes values shared by him, and will keep her busy developing interests in sometihng positive.
meowee's Avatar meowee 09:17 PM 12-22-2006
Is there anyone from the montreal area who can tell me if this is normal for around there?
moondiapers's Avatar moondiapers 10:52 PM 12-22-2006
please call this child's school and tell them what's going on....then maybe they can "notice" it and bring it to his attention and force him to deal with it
angelpie545's Avatar angelpie545 12:26 AM 12-23-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by moondiapers View Post
please call this child's school and tell them what's going on....then maybe they can "notice" it and bring it to his attention and force him to deal with it

I agree. I almost want to say this is a case for the authorities of he can't step up and parent his kid. What he is allowing his daughter to do could be permanently damaging to her if he doesn't intervene right now.
Jmo780's Avatar Jmo780 01:31 AM 12-23-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by stik View Post
Mostly commenting to subscribe.

Her parents need to step up to the plate with the supervision. What organization hosts dances for eight-year-olds?
My kids school has dances (X~Mas dance, Valentines dance etc..) For kindergarten-6th grades. You can sign your child(ren) in/out for the 3 hours or stay, whatever you choose, BUT there are many many adults supervising and it is a pretty small space (No hiding spots etc...)

I think 8 is very very young as well. Something is up Imo. My 11 year old son still thinks girls are gross for the most part He may say a girl is cute but if you talk about even holding hands etc...he is all "EWW no!"

So yea, 8 seems oddly young for all of these things-I'd suggest they get into counseling etc...

*Btw-I just finally took my kids to the dance for the first time, and being the paronoid mother I am, stayed and watched the whole thing. It was pretty innocent, the kids all seemed to want to run around playing and jumping and nobody slow danced the whole 3 hours
MeepyCat's Avatar MeepyCat 09:13 PM 12-23-2006
Meowee, I want to offer more sex-positive reasons for an eight year-old to hold off. At any age, she's just as likely to get random viruses from sitting next to a contagious person on the bus as she is to get them from kissing, so I'd leave that alone, and at any age, the important thing about her sexuality is that she understand that it is special to her, and that she treat it with respect. Other people's opinions, and being called names (which get tossed around regardless of actual involvement in sex) are less important than her feelings about herself and what she does.

That said, as sex positive as I am and want to be, it is very easy for an eight year-old's sexuality to manipulated or exploited by adults, or by older children, in ways that might hurt her a great deal. It has to be gently explained to her that she needs to respect her body and demand respect for it from others. At her age, abstaining is pretty much the only way to do that.

To tell her:
- Kissing and sex are exciting, but they can be confusing too, and they can make relationships with other people very complicated. It's best to be careful about when and with who you introduce that kind of complication into your life. Most people prefer to wait until they are a bit older than eight to do that, and to do it with people they care about a lot. Some people do kiss and touch just to experiment or just to feel good, but it's better to kiss and touch only people you care about a great deal.

- Kissing, sex, etc. put you in very close emotional contact with the people you do them with. It's a good idea to get to know people well before you do sexual things with them, so that you understand what that emotional contact is likely to be like. Being in close emotional contact with someone who turns out to be mean, or who turns out not to care for you, can be very painful. It can be hard to judge what people are really like until you've known them for a while, or before they've had a chance to grow up a little.

- Her body is going to go through any number of changes in the next several years. She is going to grow and change, and she is going to look and feel very different than she does now. It is important that she should have time to get to know her body as and after these changes occur. She needs to know about her body as it is FOR HER, without anyone else trying to push her buttons and make her feel things. She needs that because it's important for her to develop an understanding of her body that isn't based around making other people happy, but is based around what makes HER happy. She won't really be able to determine what makes her happy until her body is closer to its adult shape, so she should wait at least until that happens to be sexual with other people.

This kid seems to have a ton of unsupervised time (net, phones, school parties, whatever). Would it make sense to sign her up for art or dance or gymnastics or some other activity where she'd be in a social group mostly of girls her own age for an afternoon or two a week?
Momtoatweenandteen's Avatar Momtoatweenandteen 10:32 PM 12-23-2006
I've briefly read through some of the posts and I agree with the poster who said that this is "not" the norm of a child this age, and the fact that this child, and I do mean child is very smart and in accelerated classes does not mean precocious+being curious=sexual exploration and to be this interested in teen/adult like behavior. I too have a daughter who is curious and in the gifted and talented program at school, and while she has many friends, boys included, she is not remotely close in the what I call the "typical" boy/girl thing at this age. This is above and beyond even with kids today developing earlier.

Some of the things that were mentioned in the initial post shouldn't be playing out at this age! A red flag, hell, even my 11yo daughter would consider this inappropriate behavior!

meowee's Avatar meowee 11:52 PM 12-23-2006
Meepycat, I agree about the sex-positive suggestions. A child just cannot make sound decisions about sexual intimacy... that does not mean sex is bad.

Still no real update, though she didn't go to the dance yesterday (phew); I don't know the details of why not, though.
christyc's Avatar christyc 12:32 AM 12-24-2006
I COMPLETELY agree with the other posters who have indicated that this little girl or one of her "boyfriends" is likely to have been sexually abused. That kind of behavior is NOT typical for kids that age, at all. Also, computer time and alone time with boys needs to be SERIOUSLY limited. I am a big believer in giving kids choices and responsibilities, but within the framework of sound guidance and principles to keep them safe and protected during some of the most vulnerable times in their lives. The "freedom" this little girl is being given isn't healthy; it's neglect. Someone REALLY needs to step up, intervene, and get her some help ASAP.
Momtoatweenandteen's Avatar Momtoatweenandteen 12:57 AM 12-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by christyc View Post
The "freedom" this little girl is being given isn't healthy; it's neglect. Someone REALLY needs to step up, intervene, and get her some help ASAP.
Well said...I agree with this 100%!!
Houdini's Avatar Houdini 02:32 AM 12-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by christyc View Post
I COMPLETELY agree with the other posters who have indicated that this little girl or one of her "boyfriends" is likely to have been sexually abused. That kind of behavior is NOT typical for kids that age, at all. Also, computer time and alone time with boys needs to be SERIOUSLY limited. I am a big believer in giving kids choices and responsibilities, but within the framework of sound guidance and principles to keep them safe and protected during some of the most vulnerable times in their lives. The "freedom" this little girl is being given isn't healthy; it's neglect. Someone REALLY needs to step up, intervene, and get her some help ASAP.
I would wonder what age the 'boyfriends' are. The dances she goes to is for ages 6-14, so it is entirely possible she 'dating' an older boy.
christyc's Avatar christyc 03:10 PM 12-24-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Houdini View Post
I would wonder what age the 'boyfriends' are. The dances she goes to is for ages 6-14, so it is entirely possible she 'dating' an older boy.
Exactly. That's part of why it worries me so much! Post-pubescent kids with pre-pubescent kids isn't "dating" or "boyfriend"-- it's abuse.
Demeter9's Avatar Demeter9 03:44 PM 12-24-2006
Is the mother actually aware of how far this is going? Because, she might not be because the girl might only be telling Dad the whole story. Dad is a wuss. Dad needs to take some parenting classes, see a doctor for depression, and grow a backbone.
2tadpoles's Avatar 2tadpoles 07:02 PM 12-24-2006
I've read all the posts and don't have much to add, other than to say that vaginosis and UTI are completely different things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirsten View Post
Eight seems a little old for having UTI issues, but my dd had them at four or five when she'd be too busy to stop, holding it for too long.

Jenny_Jane's Avatar Jenny_Jane 07:53 PM 12-24-2006
one question to ask does any one know if she has actually had sex? If not shes just taking it too seriously for a third grader, If yes shes in some deep water along with her boy friends (if they actually had sex her "boyfriends" could be charched with rape of minor right or not : : ?). Dad and mom realy need to step up it seems like all the responsibility is on the dad shes both their responsibilities not just the dads.
KaraBoo's Avatar KaraBoo 01:52 PM 12-25-2006
Hmmm. I don't know how I'd feel if my child was kissing and dating at age 8. (She'll be 8 in four days) I try to respect her choices, yet I know I'd have a problem with the kissing and sexualizing of the relationship...something to think about!
Flor's Avatar Flor 02:44 AM 12-26-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jmo780 View Post
My kids school has dances (X~Mas dance, Valentines dance etc..) For kindergarten-6th grades. You can sign your child(ren) in/out for the 3 hours or stay, whatever you choose, BUT there are many many adults supervising and it is a pretty small space (No hiding spots etc...)

I think 8 is very very young as well. Something is up Imo. My 11 year old son still thinks girls are gross for the most part He may say a girl is cute but if you talk about even holding hands etc...he is all "EWW no!"

So yea, 8 seems oddly young for all of these things-I'd suggest they get into counseling etc...

*Btw-I just finally took my kids to the dance for the first time, and being the paronoid mother I am, stayed and watched the whole thing. It was pretty innocent, the kids all seemed to want to run around playing and jumping and nobody slow danced the whole 3 hours
Why not just have a "party"? Why call it a dance? (not you, the school)
MeepyCat's Avatar MeepyCat 04:49 PM 12-26-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor View Post
Why not just have a "party"? Why call it a dance? (not you, the school)
ITA with this. Elementary schoolers, especially in the early grades, seem so much more likely to enjoy a party with games and activities than a dance with all the weird social pressures and gendered expectations that come with it. I'm surprised that the school doesn't see it that way.
Sharlla's Avatar Sharlla 05:44 PM 12-26-2006
She's 8, so how is she getting all this alone time with boys? I would definitely get limit access to the computer to just school related work
Terabith's Avatar Terabith 09:43 PM 12-26-2006
Well, I was a third grade teacher until my second dd was born, so I have a lot of experience with a lot of different 8 year olds.

I agree that this is scary behavior. Many girls at 7-9 are in the early stages of puberty (it's not at all unheard of for 9 yr olds to be getting breasts or to get their periods), so there are more hormones flowing than adults are often comfortable with. But, while girls sometimes have crushes and talk about boys or having boyfriends, third grade relationships usually involve getting another girlfriend to write a note to a boy with such scintillating remarks as: "Do you like Sydney? Check one: yes or no." The really risque ones might sit next to their boyfriends at lunch. So talk about french kissing and such is very disturbing. (Unless, does she know what french kissing is? Does she think it is kissing on the cheeks like the French do?) She also might be exaggerating or lying to feel more grown up or for attention, etc. The vaginosis is worrying. I know that it can be gotten without sexual experience, but isn't it normally associated with sexual activity? Did the pediatrician not make any inquiries about it? The most worrying to me is that while 7-9 yr old girls are starting to have hormones flowing, boys are several years away from that and are not usually interested in girls at all. (Although we did still have a lot of boys and girls who were still just friends in the innocent sense at my school, boys and girls still usually like to play with their own gender at that age.) So I think if she is doing these things that she is saying, that she is likely doing them with boys several years older than she. Dad and mom need to majorly step up the supervision. WTF are they thinking, saying it is "too late" and not wanting to intervene in their (young)CHILD'S life??? 8 is soooo young. Most of them still believe in Santa! I know you have no real control, but they need to allow only supervised internet and phone conversations, and just say no to dances and other community sponsored activities. Again, wtf is the city thinking with that? Sheesh. Get her into sports or gymnastics or music or scouting or academic stuff; keep her busy with family and wholesome childhood activities. Give her lots of attention from her parents. Have her checked out by a psychologist. Call her school and explain the concerns and ask for their thoughts on her actions there; ask them to step up the supervision. Poor kiddo. Sheesh.
Jmo780's Avatar Jmo780 12:06 PM 12-28-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flor View Post
Why not just have a "party"? Why call it a dance? (not you, the school)
I have no clue-It is actually put on/sponsored by the Boys & Girls club....They have like a "Christmas Dance" "Valentine's Dance" etc...

I guess they think Music/Dj=Dance. When in actuality (sp) it was more like Music/Dj=Kids on a sugar high running around acting crazy
1  2

Up