Total Anarchy???? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 16 Old 05-05-2003, 08:29 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Since my dx moved out (and he took his rules and regulations with him!), my family has grown! Ds, almost 19, has his girlfriend spending most weekends with us, while Dd, 17, is either sleeping over at her boyfriend's or he's sleeping over at our house. Recently I've bought two queen-sized beds for my kids, make sure dd uses birth control and that ds and his girlfriend do the same.
On top of all that, my own boyfriend frequently comes for a sleep-over.
Often the six of us sit down for dinner together. We talk, joke, help eachother out with chores, discuss problems. Harmony reigns. And me and my two kids are all on the same wave-length, in the sense that we're all three in love and joyful. On Sundays we all sleep in, each staying in bed with our respective partners way into the afternoon, and when we meet we greet eachother with smiling, glowing, knowing looks.

But... and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night wondering... is all this kind of crazy? Am I being way too laid back and permissive? Are there other parents of teenagers out there who are this flexible and relaxed about their children's love-lives? Is this going to somehow back-fire big time?
I'd love to receive some thoughts and advice!
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#2 of 16 Old 05-05-2003, 10:28 PM
 
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Wow- it sounds like a place I would've liked to live as a teen! I think, as long as you educate your children about the possible consequences of having sex, such as std's and preg., and you and they are comfortable with the arrangement, then is well. After all, if they wouldn't be under you roof, you know they'd find a way anyway... thats my opinion, anyway. I was a teen not so long ago.

Any chance the ex may find out and use it against you somehow? Take care, Heather E

Sahm mom to three lovely girls, and happily married to a great, sweet guy
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#3 of 16 Old 05-06-2003, 05:08 AM
 
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What would you do if they came to you with an unplanned pregnancy? Or an std? Or if their partner raped them? I am not asking these questions for you to answer here, but in your own mind. These things can come up, and I think how you deal with them is more important than where they are having sex.
Seeings how your son is of age and your dd is almost of age affects how I feel about it. Are their partners of age? If not, are their partners parents aware of the situation? (again ? for you to answer for yourself)
I think at home in their own space is a good thing. It gives them a safe place to explore and just be. However, it does not eliminate challenges that come up where sex is involved.
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#4 of 16 Old 05-06-2003, 10:06 AM
 
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my dd isn't old enough (13) yet for us to be in the situation, but I don't think your crazy at all. We are really open about sex and I can see a similar thing happening at our place.
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#5 of 16 Old 05-07-2003, 06:07 PM
 
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Here's my initial reaction:

However, your description of peaceful living sounds like you're doing what's right for -your- family. Not what I'd do, but that's ok.

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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#6 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 02:43 AM
 
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That sounds awesome

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#7 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 05:57 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I ran away from home when I was 16 so I'm trying not to make the same mistakes my parents made. Probably making other ones, though....
And I do have doubts about my approach. Journeymom, what would you do in a case like this?
Pear, both of my kids' partners are of age. As for unplanned pregnancies and other risks, well, my kids have the information and the tools necessary to avoid them; I have to assume they will also be guided by high self-esteem and common sense.
Again, what are my choices? Any more suggestions?
Arduinna, grisandole and HeatherE, thanks for the support!
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#8 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 10:16 AM
 
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Bianca...i read your thread when you first posted it, but didnt know how to respond. i feel alot like journey does....i couldnt, but if it works for you, then thats all that matters. i would however, worry about pregnancy and STD's. that would keep me up at night. i am afraid, and a bit ashamed to say that i would not be supportive of any of my kids if they became pregnant as a teen. sorry. nope. no way, no how.

i have a friend who does thisngs alot like you. her teenageer has boy girl sleepovers, kids allover the house, and things are fine. who am i to say? after all, i found out my daughter sneaked out the basement window! maybe i should do it your way, and get her on Depo!
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#9 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 11:17 AM
 
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Regardless of where people (not just young people get pregnant or get STDs) have sex, babies and diseases are a possibility. So the issue needs to be dealt with for everyone.
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#10 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 11:23 AM
 
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Ard, ITA.

however, if i became pregnant with my husband tonight, its not the same as my 15yr old daughter, kwim? i am responsible for myself and my body. my daughter at her age is still dependent on me emotionally, financially and any other way possible, therefore, her problem becomes mine. and pregnancy at age 15 is a problem, where as i am 37, and not such a problem (at least to me!).
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#11 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 11:30 AM
 
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oh, I don't think anyone wants their 15 year old (using your example) to get pregnant.

I can only speak for my personal experience, but I was going to have sex regardless, and I went on the pill. BTW, I lost my virginity at home in my own bed while my parents were at work. So I know that even if parents don't condone such things, it happens.

more than willing to agree to disagree with ya though

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#12 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 11:39 AM
 
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Ard....i agree with you again.
i recently found out my daughter had sex, and the sex part didnt scare me, but a possible pregnancy did. i just cant be supportive. i would be so upset. however, this does not change the fact that my daughter has had sex, and that teenagers are sexual beings. i am taking her for a check up, and because she wont stop having sex, i hope to put her on DEPO. i dont think this will make her run out and have sex with every cute kid in her class. it will help her take responsibility for her own body and sexuality. am i making sense?
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#13 of 16 Old 05-08-2003, 11:56 AM
 
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oh yes, I understand. Your making sense And it's not that easy to stop having sex long term once you've started

I just recently bought my dd Our Bodies, Ourselves for a new century. All this stuff is just a continuation of what we have been doing all along. You know, I think we all had to point out to our kids at a certain age that touching yourself is something you do in private. Not in the living room with company. Starts with those little toddler things and grows We are sexual beings from birth.

And yes, birth control does not make you want to have sex with everyone. That's hormones, lol (joking)

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#14 of 16 Old 05-23-2003, 02:46 PM
 
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I think what you're doing is wonderful.
Truly...what are your options?
When I was 17, I was sneaking partners ito my home...being unsafe...staying out until 6 am to be with partners (and often did drugs/drank)...etc.
I moved far away as soon as I hit 18.
Living in a household like yours might have changed a lot of those things.
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#15 of 16 Old 05-31-2003, 07:35 PM
 
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I don't think it is total anarchy. And I do think there is is a difference in having one's partner around all the time and having sexual relations with them at home and with full knowledge of this in the family. It definately makes the outsider know that the parent(s) know him/her and I think forces them to be a little more accountable. Mind you, that is true if there are we-are-all-here-together groundrules and boundaries.

Possibly off topic --The age thing I don't think is such a big deal. Our (USA) culture (artificially, I think) keeps everyone a legal child until they are eighteen. (21 if you count drinking...personally, i think the drinking age should be sixteen and the driving age should be 21!, but that's another topic.: ) If you start giving people responsibility when younger and educate them about it within a protective framework (protective for you and them/him/her), then they can be responsible younger. I remember reading a biography of Alexander Hamilton when I was 14 and being completely jealous of him (even though I thought he was politically a total a$$hole) that at 13 he was the assistant to a chandler in the west indies and at 14 he took over for his boss (he was indentured/apprenticed at 12) when his boss went to england for a year on business. He ran everything just fine and by the time he was 17, he had gone to the american colonies and started meeting everyone we would later read about in the history books! I knew that I'd have been able to do that given the opportunity but now that sort of thing wasn't allowed.

What do the "outsiders'" families think?
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#16 of 16 Old 05-31-2003, 08:00 PM
 
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I think its wonderful! I have ALWAYS said that I'm going to make sure my children have full access to condoms with no reprecisions when they started getting old enough to want to have sex. And I will do just that. Have condoms available, be willing and ready to take any daughters I have for birth control, ect.

I would love to think that when I have teenagers that I will be able to have conversations with them without being upset they are having sex. Right now I think, no big deal, I had sex when I was a teen, it happens. I'm just hoping that I can still have rational thoughts behind the "he/she is MY baby!" thoughts I know I will have.

And I agree, STDs and pregnancy happens regardless of where the sex is occuring. I know, I was pregnant at 14 (miscarried). I would be disappointed if my child got pregnant/got someone pregnant, but I couldn't see myself not being there are supportive for them just as I would with the rest of their lives.

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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