Join Date: Nov 2005
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|Trying to do the library with this bunch requires DH, and sometimes the National Guard, so we only go when we run out of anything to read.|
|DD has lost her allowance until further notice. She was getting $10 a week and starting to see the rewards from it (bought her own rollerblades) so it's a fair punishment I think. The money she's not getting will go towards fixing the hole, which is going to take an entire plasterboard panel, it's that big, and figuring out how to do the texture on these walls.|
She despises my dad because he's a jerk. I take care of him because I am the last of 5 kids and the rest gave up trying. He's not the reason she's acting like this, she's been temperamental since before she ever met him, but he definitely sets her off teasing and picking on her (and my other kids). He's an ass, but it's not an option to put him in a home.
|You do not sound like a bad mom to me. Let me review what I have learned from reading your thread:
* You got out of an abusive marriage, protecting her from further harm
* You are willing to do what it takes to make schooling work for her, whether it's homeschooling or public school
* You hold her accountable when she breaks things, requiring her to clean up the mess if she's not able to actually fix the hole properly.
* You support her in conflicts with her grandfather
* You are modeling taking care of a difficult family member by taking your dad in (to me, that's significant and good.)
"Welcome to MDC, Muaile. I see you are new here and only have a few posts, so I wanted to give you a reminder of what the Gentle Discipline forum is about. Going into your child's room and taking all of her belongings is not part of gentle discipline. Here are some alternatives to consider."
Not to nitpick, but this isn't the Gentle Discipline Forum. It is the Preteen and teen section. Aren't most forms of dicipline allowed to be discussed here?
How is it going, Synthea? Sending good vibes to your household
Hey hey hey, first of all I take her nintendo and her "cool clothes" away when she acts badly, I don't hit or beat my kid. I have an extremely well behaved child who understands actions = consequences.
I certainley take enormous umbrage with it being implied that this is not Gentle discipline? What is gentle then? Talking about it? Eh... come on... isn't parenting a bit past the "lets talk about why you hit your brother?" that NEVER works.... children need authority without fear. Thats what we have in my house....
God remind me never to offer good advice.
As for the language issue, my apologies, I'm from ireland and we curse alot!
I disagree. My intent is to get my dc to a point where even if no one is around to enforce the rules, they will still do the right thing. I want my dc'c authority to stem from their own sense of justice and peace. If I train them that I am an authority figure and the enforcer or someone else is, how then can I expect them to be truly free?
You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.[/QUOTE
First of all if you want to call "respect for other people" fear, then fine.
There isn't a responsible parent alive who would say kids are entitled to "stuff" ie rewards. Why on earth you are promoting a free ride for children is beyond me.
I have read Mothering Magazine for years, I have been parenting for ten years and have another baby now too - ds 3 mths.
I have never ever ever got the impression from Mothering magazine that the way to successfully parent children is to give them privelege and expect nothing in return, I have never once seen that.
I expect to be treated like a person by my children, if they wouldn't do it in school or another house then they won't do it in my home. I don't treat them with any less respect.
Being respectful and slightly fearful of authority figures is the only way to be. I know I get nervous when the police are doing insurance checks, even when my insurance is all fine. Thats life.
Giving your children "stuff" and then letting them walk all over you is going to teach them nothing.
Our job as parents is to support our children and to prepare them for adulthood. That is our JOB. I take my JOB extremely seriousley and if you met my daughter you would see I do a good job. Respect is commanded not demanded and you can't give give give and exppect nothing in return. I expect respect, for myself and my house. Nobody is kicking any walls in here, and if they did I would make them pay for the repair. I wouldn't be paying for a counsellor. Teenagers have tempers, and emotional outbursts. Thats the way they should be.... its part of their make up. Its how we deal with it that matters.
If My dd kicked a hole in the wall this is what would happen,
A) quietly and calmly I would hand her the phone book
B) she would find a plasterer
C) she would decide how to earn the money.... car cleaned out €5, stairs vacuumed €3 etc etc
D) Her nintendo would be stopped until the job was done.
How do you seriously think that is abuse?
If I kicked a hole in a wall anywhere I would be expected to pay for it.
Create a microcosm in your household and then your teenager won't get a huge shock when they enter the real world.
They don't offer counselling instead of paying for a wall an adult kicked in.
If its not loving to prepare someone properly for a journey then I don't know if I want part of this magazine anymore, I don't send my kid out in the snow without boots on, and I'm sure not going to send her into the world without appreciating other peoples right to be respected....
God love us all if the generation who will take over from us have no respect for others or anything....
She wasn't being punished when I sent her to her room, she hadn't even asked yet to play on the computer. DH and I started arguing, I stopped, asked DD to go read in her room, she complained she wanted to play on the computer and stormed off. It was like : I went in to talk to her, tell her I wasn't mad at her and say I was sorry for making her leave and she just glared at me, it wasn't til about 20 minutes later that DH discovered the hole.
|Maybe she needs more compassion?|
|DH and I are affectionate with each other, we love the kids, we talk to them, we care and we show it.|
|I do talk to her, and just let her talk without any judgement, but I guess it's not enough. I give her us time, DH gives her time. I truly feel like it's a "no matter what I do, it'll never be enough" because I'm giving her the us time, the love, the time for herself, the ability to be herself. I ask out of her no more then she can handle and bust my ass every day to make sure she knows she's loved and we want her in our home and in our family.|
|I distinctly, and painfully, remember the years from about 8-15 (when I got pg and actually grew up). I remember the pain and loneliness and helplessness and fear and hatred and jealousy of other kids...maybe I'm trying to hard to make her happy and just need to let her be? Everything else I'm doing, all the hands on, caring stuff, isn't working.|
|She was only 3 when it happened, and she was in a couple years of counseling then for everything that was going on. She was kicked out finally because there was nothing wrong and the insurance wouldn't pay anymore! The only thing she can remember from our big fight is that her bio dad stepped on her foot on accident and she cried. Counseling couldn't bring any more out of her, so I don't think there's any more to remember, where she was so young. I have no memories before the age of 5 myself.|
|My dad: I stick up for her and back him the hell off immediately and abruptly. He's from a very odd era and thinks his way is right, so it's a never ending battle. We talk about how he is going senile often so she understands he's lonely and just doesn't understand the right way to ask for attention. She mostly ignores him. DH is a great dad for the whole male role model thing.|
I did! I've read every single word of this entire thread, and I thought carefully about the whole situation before responding. It kind of hurts my feelings that you have responded to my ideas in such a snarky, dismissive manner. I thought that since I have been where your daughter is now maybe my insights could be of some help. I wasn't trying to imply that you're not being compassionate at all, but the way I see it, there's always room for more compassion towards people.
Maybe I remember this wrong (i.e it happened to the DD of another poster, not the OP), but wasn't it your daughter who last year went to live in another state with friends of yours and the husband in that household was arrested while in company of your DD and there was a CPS inqueiry before you got her back home?
If so, that incident alone would warrant tons of counseling, I think. If I confuse you woth another poster, please ignore.
In either case, good luck.
I'm digging through my brain trying to find any reasons I hadn't thought of previously for this anger.
I don't think you need to be able to identify the source of the anger, and I don't think your daughter does either, to benefit from counseling.
If you ask my daughter why she is so angry, I doubt that she would say, "Because I have HIV and my parents died and I got sent to an orphanage and my siblings are all together but I am not with them ...", and I don't think she would even know that those things make her angry. I think that's where a counselor can come in handy ... helping kids to identify and label their feelings, ones they don't understand or recognize.
Yes it was me, and no, she doesn't need counseling for it. She spoke to a couple people and other then being bewildered that police officers can be that stupid, she's fine.
I think this is a very good point. The anger is there, whatever the cause, and your daughter obviously needs help in identifying it and addressing it in appropriate ways. She isn't able to do this on her own, and since it's not working with you, that's the time to find someone who could help.
Sorry to be argumentative, but she's not fine. If she was fine, you wouldn't be posting that you wanted to bang your head into a wall. She's flying into rages out of the blue that result in aggression and violence. And I think that it's rather presumptive of you to decide that she doesn't need counseling for it.
It's likely that her anger isn't resulting from one of these specific situations, but from a buildup of emotional reactions to a variety of situations that she is not yet mature enough to identify and deal with.
The counselors she spoke to right after she came home said she didn't need any counseling for it. When I said she's fine, I meant to type, she's not been negatively effected by that. That's why I never brought it up in this thread until another poster mentioned it. It doesn't apply here.
Her anger I'm sure does stem from a build of of various things, but what I think, assume, or dismiss as being or not being the problem doesn't matter. I don't tell her I think those things and what I think doesn't stop me from seeking help for her. I apologize, I got too open with details in this thread, and too open without properly explaining some things, I often unable to type out what I'm trying to say, what I'm thinking. My being presumptuous or not doesn't matter as I'm getting her help as soon as I can find it.
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