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#61 of 112 Old 03-28-2007, 10:08 PM
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It's good to hear you have some plan formulated. Way to go! Be ready to be flexible and allow for input from dd (dh too!... but not implying you don't...) and I think you'll have an easier time finding some peace.
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#62 of 112 Old 03-28-2007, 10:58 PM
 
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Trying to do the library with this bunch requires DH, and sometimes the National Guard, so we only go when we run out of anything to read.
I can reserve/request books online at my library, and then they're waiting at the desk for me, no mobilization force required! Maybe yours does, too?
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#63 of 112 Old 03-28-2007, 11:08 PM
 
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Here's a question from a WoW player... lol

Did the kicking holes in walls behavior begin when she started playing WoW or other similar typse of games? Some of the thing that I've seen is that kids who play this game a lot can have huge, violent mood swings. They don't get that it's a game, it's supposed to be FUN, and they freak out in real life about ninjas and gankers (she'll know what that is ).

It was just a thought that occured to me as I was reading your post.

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DD has lost her allowance until further notice. She was getting $10 a week and starting to see the rewards from it (bought her own rollerblades) so it's a fair punishment I think. The money she's not getting will go towards fixing the hole, which is going to take an entire plasterboard panel, it's that big, and figuring out how to do the texture on these walls.
you could really go with this. Make HER get an estimate of how much it would take to fix it... make her do the research on how to repair sheetrock and call a hardware store, and then create an 'invoice' for the work that needs to be done based on her findings. Tell her that this is what she owes you and that you are 'garnishing' her, just like would happen if she damaged property of someone as an adult and went to court. I'd give her a percentage of her allowance and keep the rest for her bill. Talk to her about doing the work herself- how would that change the amount of the bill... it's important for her to see the consequences of her behavior and this would really make her responsible for all aspects of it. She might not get anything at ALL out of it other than not kicking a hole in the wall next time she's mad because she doesn't want to do all that work again!

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#64 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 01:30 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Synthea™ View Post
She despises my dad because he's a jerk. I take care of him because I am the last of 5 kids and the rest gave up trying. He's not the reason she's acting like this, she's been temperamental since before she ever met him, but he definitely sets her off teasing and picking on her (and my other kids). He's an ass, but it's not an option to put him in a home.
I'm not an expert but this is really setting off alarm bells with me. Emotional and verbal abuse is still abuse. I have a lot of anger issues and some of it is due to that. I don't have any advice though
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#65 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 10:50 AM
 
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You do not sound like a bad mom to me. Let me review what I have learned from reading your thread:

* You got out of an abusive marriage, protecting her from further harm
* You are willing to do what it takes to make schooling work for her, whether it's homeschooling or public school
* You hold her accountable when she breaks things, requiring her to clean up the mess if she's not able to actually fix the hole properly.
* You support her in conflicts with her grandfather
* You are modeling taking care of a difficult family member by taking your dad in (to me, that's significant and good.)
I agree with all of that.

My question is , has she always been like this? When she was little how did you handle her tantrums then? If she has always pitched some type of fit when things didn't go her way, then I would say this is a discipline problem. Have you always made excuses for her behavior? If this is a new behavior from a this child, then seeking outside help might be wise. I think it is hard to give advice on a forum because it is hard to get the big picture.
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#66 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 12:29 PM
 
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"Welcome to MDC, Muaile. I see you are new here and only have a few posts, so I wanted to give you a reminder of what the Gentle Discipline forum is about. Going into your child's room and taking all of her belongings is not part of gentle discipline. Here are some alternatives to consider."

PikkuMyy

Not to nitpick, but this isn't the Gentle Discipline Forum. It is the Preteen and teen section. Aren't most forms of dicipline allowed to be discussed here?

How is it going, Synthea? Sending good vibes to your household

kathy
It doesn't matter that this isn't the GD forum. GD is considered to be one of the core AP practices which is what MDC is about an advocates.
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#67 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 12:34 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Muaile View Post
Hey hey hey, first of all I take her nintendo and her "cool clothes" away when she acts badly, I don't hit or beat my kid. I have an extremely well behaved child who understands actions = consequences.

I certainley take enormous umbrage with it being implied that this is not Gentle discipline? What is gentle then? Talking about it? Eh... come on... isn't parenting a bit past the "lets talk about why you hit your brother?" that NEVER works.... children need authority without fear. Thats what we have in my house....

God remind me never to offer good advice.

As for the language issue, my apologies, I'm from ireland and we curse alot!
You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.
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#68 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 12:35 PM
 
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I disagree. My intent is to get my dc to a point where even if no one is around to enforce the rules, they will still do the right thing. I want my dc'c authority to stem from their own sense of justice and peace. If I train them that I am an authority figure and the enforcer or someone else is, how then can I expect them to be truly free?

EXACTLY!
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#69 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 12:48 PM
 
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It doesn't matter that this isn't the GD forum. GD is considered to be one of the core AP practices which is what MDC is about an advocates.
Agreed but GD has many different practices and 'discipline' is in the definition.

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#70 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 12:54 PM
 
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My point was that the rules of discussing discipline on MDC are universal, they aren't limited to one forum.
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#71 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 04:15 PM
 
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"My point was that the rules of discussing discipline on MDC are universal, they aren't limited to one forum." Arduinna

I would sincerely be grateful if you pointed out where this rule is written....

IMHO opinion, I hope it is not a rule - as it may preclude thoughful and helpful discussion.

Apologies to Synthea if this is thread-jacking a bit.....

Kathy

Edited to add: I read the rules in the User agreement. It mentions advocating loving discipline - which would apply to all threads. However, I do not think removing priveleges is contrary to "loving discipline".
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#72 of 112 Old 03-29-2007, 04:32 PM
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The topics of what is gd and nfl for that matter are open discussions at MDC. I am not an old timer by any strength of the imagination yet can attest to how in depth those topics have been. And will continue to be. I think that is a good thing. Maybe, if people want to start a thread on what is gd'ing or loving discipline a teenager that would be better than doing it on this thread
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#73 of 112 Old 03-31-2007, 12:11 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Arduinna;7690267]You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.[/QUOTE

First of all if you want to call "respect for other people" fear, then fine.

There isn't a responsible parent alive who would say kids are entitled to "stuff" ie rewards. Why on earth you are promoting a free ride for children is beyond me.

I have read Mothering Magazine for years, I have been parenting for ten years and have another baby now too - ds 3 mths.

I have never ever ever got the impression from Mothering magazine that the way to successfully parent children is to give them privelege and expect nothing in return, I have never once seen that.
I expect to be treated like a person by my children, if they wouldn't do it in school or another house then they won't do it in my home. I don't treat them with any less respect.

Being respectful and slightly fearful of authority figures is the only way to be. I know I get nervous when the police are doing insurance checks, even when my insurance is all fine. Thats life.

Giving your children "stuff" and then letting them walk all over you is going to teach them nothing.

Our job as parents is to support our children and to prepare them for adulthood. That is our JOB. I take my JOB extremely seriousley and if you met my daughter you would see I do a good job. Respect is commanded not demanded and you can't give give give and exppect nothing in return. I expect respect, for myself and my house. Nobody is kicking any walls in here, and if they did I would make them pay for the repair. I wouldn't be paying for a counsellor. Teenagers have tempers, and emotional outbursts. Thats the way they should be.... its part of their make up. Its how we deal with it that matters.

If My dd kicked a hole in the wall this is what would happen,

A) quietly and calmly I would hand her the phone book

B) she would find a plasterer

C) she would decide how to earn the money.... car cleaned out €5, stairs vacuumed €3 etc etc

D) Her nintendo would be stopped until the job was done.

How do you seriously think that is abuse?

If I kicked a hole in a wall anywhere I would be expected to pay for it.

Create a microcosm in your household and then your teenager won't get a huge shock when they enter the real world.

They don't offer counselling instead of paying for a wall an adult kicked in.

If its not loving to prepare someone properly for a journey then I don't know if I want part of this magazine anymore, I don't send my kid out in the snow without boots on, and I'm sure not going to send her into the world without appreciating other peoples right to be respected....

God love us all if the generation who will take over from us have no respect for others or anything....
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#74 of 112 Old 03-31-2007, 12:49 PM
 
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[QUOTE=Muaile;7711346]
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Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
You might want to venture into the GD forum and learn what it is. As your post makes it clear that you don't, and you belittle it. You do have a fear based relationship with your child. She fears you taking her stuff.[/QUOTE

First of all if you want to call "respect for other people" fear, then fine.

There isn't a responsible parent alive who would say kids are entitled to "stuff" ie rewards. Why on earth you are promoting a free ride for children is beyond me.

I have read Mothering Magazine for years, I have been parenting for ten years and have another baby now too - ds 3 mths.

I have never ever ever got the impression from Mothering magazine that the way to successfully parent children is to give them privelege and expect nothing in return, I have never once seen that.
I expect to be treated like a person by my children, if they wouldn't do it in school or another house then they won't do it in my home. I don't treat them with any less respect.

Being respectful and slightly fearful of authority figures is the only way to be. I know I get nervous when the police are doing insurance checks, even when my insurance is all fine. Thats life.

Giving your children "stuff" and then letting them walk all over you is going to teach them nothing.

Our job as parents is to support our children and to prepare them for adulthood. That is our JOB. I take my JOB extremely seriousley and if you met my daughter you would see I do a good job. Respect is commanded not demanded and you can't give give give and exppect nothing in return. I expect respect, for myself and my house. Nobody is kicking any walls in here, and if they did I would make them pay for the repair. I wouldn't be paying for a counsellor. Teenagers have tempers, and emotional outbursts. Thats the way they should be.... its part of their make up. Its how we deal with it that matters.

If My dd kicked a hole in the wall this is what would happen,

A) quietly and calmly I would hand her the phone book

B) she would find a plasterer

C) she would decide how to earn the money.... car cleaned out €5, stairs vacuumed €3 etc etc

D) Her nintendo would be stopped until the job was done.

How do you seriously think that is abuse?

If I kicked a hole in a wall anywhere I would be expected to pay for it.

Create a microcosm in your household and then your teenager won't get a huge shock when they enter the real world.

They don't offer counselling instead of paying for a wall an adult kicked in.

If its not loving to prepare someone properly for a journey then I don't know if I want part of this magazine anymore, I don't send my kid out in the snow without boots on, and I'm sure not going to send her into the world without appreciating other peoples right to be respected....

God love us all if the generation who will take over from us have no respect for others or anything....
Amen sister!
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#75 of 112 Old 03-31-2007, 03:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Synthea™ View Post
She wasn't being punished when I sent her to her room, she hadn't even asked yet to play on the computer. DH and I started arguing, I stopped, asked DD to go read in her room, she complained she wanted to play on the computer and stormed off. It was like : I went in to talk to her, tell her I wasn't mad at her and say I was sorry for making her leave and she just glared at me, it wasn't til about 20 minutes later that DH discovered the hole.
I haven't read the whole thread yet, but this stood out for me. When I was around that age, if my parents argued I often did things to distract their anger away from each other, usually by drawing it to myself. I could handle my parents being angry with me, I could not deal with them being angry with each other.

nothing more to say I guess :
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#76 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 12:24 AM
 
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Synthea's daughter didn't just have an emotional outburst. She is dealing with consistent anger management issues - it's not normal teenage behavior. Paying for counseling to figure out the root of the anger is solving the problem rather than just putting a bandaid on it.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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#77 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 03:46 AM - Thread Starter
 
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After tonight, I'm definitely getting her into SOMETHING. In the time it took to blink, she went from fine to stomping, yelling and throwing a chair into my (the landlord's brand new) oven, almost breaking the glass. This one's entirely on her, I gave her a 30 minute, a 15 minute, and a 5 minute heads up that computer time was about over, then I told her to finish up that thing she was doing right then (read: she had time, and knew she did, to finish up, save her program and close any other windows she had going) and get off, get a snack, and get some reading done. All said just pleasantly, like 2 hours ago, I told her it was time to unload the dishwasher and she did it just fine. She just completely freaked out. I AM GOING NUTS WITH THIS GIRL. ARGGHHH! Gotta find something that'll help her/us, I just want to strangle her (you know, like Homer does to Bart...) Sigh. And we've been working so hard since I last posted. It seems to be getting worse.

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#78 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 03:57 AM
 
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does she really need to use the computer. Maybe the computer could go on vacation til she gets a handle on her emotions. I am thinking counselling. ps my ex really did strangle my dd and it didn't work.
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#79 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 04:06 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think we'll limit the computer to (home)school work only. Don't worry, I won't strangle her, but I sure wanted to.

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
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#80 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 02:33 PM
 
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I'm feeling really sad for your dd. Maybe she needs more compassion? She's obviously hurting inside a lot. I went through a stage like she's going through, and what I really needed most was compassion, empathy, and understanding. When I was in your dd's place, I just wanted my mother to understand why I was so angry and acknowledge that my anger was valid and appropriate. When instead she was simply frustrated and angry with me for my admittedly inconvenient behavior, I just felt even more alone in the world, which did nothing to improve my behavior.

I would echo the advice to seek counseling or maybe group therapy. Your dd is surely significantly traumatized by witnessing the abuse early in her life. She needs someone to help her see how that early abuse of you is affecting her today. Also, I too would consider your father's verbal abuse of your dd to be another probable cause of her misbehavior. I also had a male relative who was very critical of me, and he really hurt my feelings and lowered my self-esteem. If I had had to live with him the way your dd does, it really would have been unbearable to me. Home is supposed to be a haven, but how can it be for your dd if there is someone there who is regularly insulting her?
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#81 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe she needs more compassion?
Please read all my posts:
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DH and I are affectionate with each other, we love the kids, we talk to them, we care and we show it.
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I do talk to her, and just let her talk without any judgement, but I guess it's not enough. I give her us time, DH gives her time. I truly feel like it's a "no matter what I do, it'll never be enough" because I'm giving her the us time, the love, the time for herself, the ability to be herself. I ask out of her no more then she can handle and bust my ass every day to make sure she knows she's loved and we want her in our home and in our family.
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I distinctly, and painfully, remember the years from about 8-15 (when I got pg and actually grew up). I remember the pain and loneliness and helplessness and fear and hatred and jealousy of other kids...maybe I'm trying to hard to make her happy and just need to let her be? Everything else I'm doing, all the hands on, caring stuff, isn't working.
As for counseling for the previously witnessed abuse:
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She was only 3 when it happened, and she was in a couple years of counseling then for everything that was going on. She was kicked out finally because there was nothing wrong and the insurance wouldn't pay anymore! The only thing she can remember from our big fight is that her bio dad stepped on her foot on accident and she cried. Counseling couldn't bring any more out of her, so I don't think there's any more to remember, where she was so young. I have no memories before the age of 5 myself.
My dad:
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My dad: I stick up for her and back him the hell off immediately and abruptly. He's from a very odd era and thinks his way is right, so it's a never ending battle. We talk about how he is going senile often so she understands he's lonely and just doesn't understand the right way to ask for attention. She mostly ignores him. DH is a great dad for the whole male role model thing.

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
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#82 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 03:12 PM
 
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Synthea, you seem to have decided that 1) because your daughter was only three when she witnessed the abuse and 2) because she's already been to counseling, the issue is closed and she's left it behind.

I think that's a very shortsighted way of looking at it.

Anger and trauma can re-emerge at many stages of life.

It's clear from your daughter's behavior that *something* is going on with her, and I honestly don't think it's for you to decide that it couldn't possibly be the abuse she witnessed as a young child. Maybe you are right and that's not it, but I think it bears some investigating.

I could very easily say that things that happened to my daughter as a young child no longer affect her, but her behavior says otherwise.
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#83 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 03:44 PM
 
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Please read all my posts:
I did! I've read every single word of this entire thread, and I thought carefully about the whole situation before responding. It kind of hurts my feelings that you have responded to my ideas in such a snarky, dismissive manner. I thought that since I have been where your daughter is now maybe my insights could be of some help. I wasn't trying to imply that you're not being compassionate at all, but the way I see it, there's always room for more compassion towards people.
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#84 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 04:03 PM
 
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Maybe I remember this wrong (i.e it happened to the DD of another poster, not the OP), but wasn't it your daughter who last year went to live in another state with friends of yours and the husband in that household was arrested while in company of your DD and there was a CPS inqueiry before you got her back home?

If so, that incident alone would warrant tons of counseling, I think. If I confuse you woth another poster, please ignore.

In either case, good luck.
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#85 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 04:12 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I did! I've read every single word of this entire thread, and I thought carefully about the whole situation before responding. It kind of hurts my feelings that you have responded to my ideas in such a snarky, dismissive manner. I thought that since I have been where your daughter is now maybe my insights could be of some help. I wasn't trying to imply that you're not being compassionate at all, but the way I see it, there's always room for more compassion towards people.
I am sorry I misunderstood your post then too. They way I read it I didn't see any "more" compassion, just that I wasn't showing any. I apologise.

There are other things that have happened in our lives, particularly in the past 5 years, that would make more sense for her needing counseling. The only grief she feels about our past with her bio dad is that he doesn't care enough to look for her, but we discuss that part of it. She doesn't remember the fight. I'm not dismissing anything, on the contrary, I'm digging through my brain trying to find any reasons I hadn't thought of previously for this anger. Frankly, after her blow up last night, I'm inclined to think she's just a selfish person and just throws a fit when she doesn't get what she wants, figuring I'll give in eventually. Not that I think that, but it's crossed my mind.

I think I've taken what I can from this thread, I really appreciate the advice and insight and other views I've gotten. I'll be working hard this week to find something she can get started on that will resolve her issues and quit this destructive behavior.

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#86 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 04:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Maybe I remember this wrong (i.e it happened to the DD of another poster, not the OP), but wasn't it your daughter who last year went to live in another state with friends of yours and the husband in that household was arrested while in company of your DD and there was a CPS inqueiry before you got her back home?

If so, that incident alone would warrant tons of counseling, I think. If I confuse you woth another poster, please ignore.

In either case, good luck.
Yes it was me, and no, she doesn't need counseling for it. She spoke to a couple people and other then being bewildered that police officers can be that stupid, she's fine. She was a lot worse before she went to live with them and been much better since she came back. I can't give any details to "prove" because the case is still open and lawsuits being filed, but trust me that it is NOT an issue for her. CPS never did get involved. They called and were only that involved because they wanted to make sure we weren't imaginary people and she did actually go home.

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#87 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 04:17 PM
 
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I'm digging through my brain trying to find any reasons I hadn't thought of previously for this anger.
I don't think you need to be able to identify the source of the anger, and I don't think your daughter does either, to benefit from counseling.

If you ask my daughter why she is so angry, I doubt that she would say, "Because I have HIV and my parents died and I got sent to an orphanage and my siblings are all together but I am not with them ...", and I don't think she would even know that those things make her angry. I think that's where a counselor can come in handy ... helping kids to identify and label their feelings, ones they don't understand or recognize.
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#88 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 04:49 PM
 
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I don't think you need to be able to identify the source of the anger, and I don't think your daughter does either, to benefit from counseling.

If you ask my daughter why she is so angry, I doubt that she would say, "Because I have HIV and my parents died and I got sent to an orphanage and my siblings are all together but I am not with them ...", and I don't think she would even know that those things make her angry. I think that's where a counselor can come in handy ... helping kids to identify and label their feelings, ones they don't understand or recognize.
I think this is a very good point. The anger is there, whatever the cause, and your daughter obviously needs help in identifying it and addressing it in appropriate ways. She isn't able to do this on her own, and since it's not working with you, that's the time to find someone who could help.

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Yes it was me, and no, she doesn't need counseling for it. She spoke to a couple people and other then being bewildered that police officers can be that stupid, she's fine.
Sorry to be argumentative, but she's not fine. If she was fine, you wouldn't be posting that you wanted to bang your head into a wall. She's flying into rages out of the blue that result in aggression and violence. And I think that it's rather presumptive of you to decide that she doesn't need counseling for it.

It's likely that her anger isn't resulting from one of these specific situations, but from a buildup of emotional reactions to a variety of situations that she is not yet mature enough to identify and deal with.

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I think this is a very good point. The anger is there, whatever the cause, and your daughter obviously needs help in identifying it and addressing it in appropriate ways. She isn't able to do this on her own, and since it's not working with you, that's the time to find someone who could help.

Sorry to be argumentative, but she's not fine. If she was fine, you wouldn't be posting that you wanted to bang your head into a wall. She's flying into rages out of the blue that result in aggression and violence. And I think that it's rather presumptive of you to decide that she doesn't need counseling for it.

It's likely that her anger isn't resulting from one of these specific situations, but from a buildup of emotional reactions to a variety of situations that she is not yet mature enough to identify and deal with.
The counselors she spoke to right after she came home said she didn't need any counseling for it. When I said she's fine, I meant to type, she's not been negatively effected by that. That's why I never brought it up in this thread until another poster mentioned it. It doesn't apply here.

Her anger I'm sure does stem from a build of of various things, but what I think, assume, or dismiss as being or not being the problem doesn't matter. I don't tell her I think those things and what I think doesn't stop me from seeking help for her. I apologize, I got too open with details in this thread, and too open without properly explaining some things, I often unable to type out what I'm trying to say, what I'm thinking. My being presumptuous or not doesn't matter as I'm getting her help as soon as I can find it.

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#90 of 112 Old 04-01-2007, 07:35 PM
 
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The counselors she spoke to right after she came home said she didn't need any counseling for it. When I said she's fine, I meant to type, she's not been negatively effected by that. That's why I never brought it up in this thread until another poster mentioned it. It doesn't apply here.

Her anger I'm sure does stem from a build of of various things, but what I think, assume, or dismiss as being or not being the problem doesn't matter. I don't tell her I think those things and what I think doesn't stop me from seeking help for her. I apologize, I got too open with details in this thread, and too open without properly explaining some things, I often unable to type out what I'm trying to say, what I'm thinking. My being presumptuous or not doesn't matter as I'm getting her help as soon as I can find it.
I totally understand not being able to type what you are thinking. I think we all struggle with that. And of course in this type of situation, it's never possible to include all of the details in the first, or even subsequent posts. That's one of the problems with internet discussions - that people respond to what you say before you've said it all. And of course since it's not in real time, it often takes a while for clarification on both sides.

I think it's wonderful that you have come here to get suggestions and just air what is going on. Certainly you acknowledge that she's not fine or you wouldn't be posting. I know you that, I just wanted to state it clearly. And you've already said that you are going to try to get her help, whatever is going on with her. My point is simply that you can't say what is or isn't contributing to her emotional issues. The counselor might not even be able to get to them. But I think it's a mistake to dismiss incidents like the ones discussed, even if it seems like they aren't affecting her. My mother made a lot of assumptions about what I was feeling, and why, but most of them were wrong. I don't blame her for making them - she had to try to find a reason.

Even in counseling, the root of her issues may not come to light. But if the counselor is good, he/she should be able to give her tools to deal with how she is feeling in a more productive way, even if the source of them is not dealt with until she is older.

I was in therapy as a 17 yo for a variety of depression/anger issues. I had the urge to do some of the things your daughter does, but I controlled it. Instead of smashing the wall, I threw socks, or turned up my music really loud. So it didn't seem as urgent to my mother, as it does to you. The therapy really helped, mostly I think, because the personality of the therapist really went well with mine, and I was able to listen to her thoughts and suggestions with a totally open mind, even if they weren't always right. I think I avoided getting into serious self-destructive behavior because of it. (I engaged in some, but not too much.)

However, the therapist never found out what the cause of my issues were because I didn't even understand them myself. Now I happened to be raised in a cult which caused a huge variety of issues as the cult was misogynistic, brainwashy (in a always-be-happy, don't discuss anything negative way) very controlling, secretive, homophobic, etc. And I didn't realize that most of the problems with my mother (which is what started the counseling) were reflections of what the cult had done to her, and to me. It was only about 6 years ago that I was able to address those issues with myself and with my mother.

Certainly your life is different than this. But my point is just that even if you can't figure out what is going on with her, therapy can still really help. I am eternally thankful for the time I had with my therapist, even though it was so many years later that I "solved" the issues.

Early intervention specialist and parent consultant since 2002.
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