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#61 of 71 Old 05-31-2007, 12:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by pumpkinyum View Post
I'm quite confused, as I never said a 14 year old needs to be told exactly where he has to be. I said kids need boundaries. And I most certainly do want to know where my 14 year old is during the day--that doesn't mean that I am telling him everything and everywhere he needs to go. I'm guessing that you are ok if you don't know your childrens whereabouts?
Sounds like I didn't have that quite right. So, you're concerned because you want to make sure you know where your kids are at all times, and that you'd like them to check in with you before finalizing decisions? Is that what you mean?
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#62 of 71 Old 05-31-2007, 12:18 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Shakti A. View Post
I thought Oregon at first too, then I realized how stupid I was being. California, I think, along the peninsula ridge.
You're not being stupid, the whole Kesey family is here in Eugene. Oregon Country Fair, Nancy's Yogurt, all that stuff. It's what I thought at first, except that I don't think I'd consider the scene to be quite as free as the pp described.
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#63 of 71 Old 06-01-2007, 12:30 AM
 
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Yeah, that's why I thought of it first, but it's not the literary association one would have with Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters.
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#64 of 71 Old 06-01-2007, 12:38 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Shakti A. View Post
Yeah, that's why I thought of it first, but it's not the literary association one would have with Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters.
Yeah, pretty much a local reference,
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#65 of 71 Old 06-07-2007, 10:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..
Sure you do, you're his mother. Why don't you think about the other family. Perhaps they are hoping you will get your child back to his own house and out of their house but don't quite know how to tell you that. And if you don't know them that well that probably makes them wonder even more why you would allow your child to go to a strangers house for so long and not wonder what he is up to. Be a responsible parent. You may regret it if you don't.

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#66 of 71 Old 06-07-2007, 11:32 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mommy68 View Post
Sure you do, you're his mother. Why don't you think about the other family. Perhaps they are hoping you will get your child back to his own house and out of their house but don't quite know how to tell you that. And if you don't know them that well that probably makes them wonder even more why you would allow your child to go to a strangers house for so long and not wonder what he is up to. Be a responsible parent. You may regret it if you don't.
If I remember correctly her son checks in nightly and asks to stay again. She also speaks daily with the mother of boy he is staying with and I would think you would be able to tell through the tone of voice/verbal cues if the child is no longer welcome in the home. I would say she probably has a hold on what he is doing. If he has a strong base in how he was raised, then it falls on the trust one has in their child's abilities to make appropriate decisions. All any parent can do is teach/guide their child, then trust they can make the decisions that are wise.

I am not sure why it is equated with being a responsible/irresponsible parent. A child going to camp is going to be around people who the parents don't know (at least the ones teens go to). They will go with some people they know and some they don't; which isn't seen as irresponsible. I am not sure why this is seen as anything different.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#67 of 71 Old 06-07-2007, 11:59 PM
 
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i posted before i read...now that i have read the whole thread, i just want to say that we all do things different, and should worry only about our own kids.
but, i was a teenager only 7 years ago, and i remember how much i loved going to friends houses whos parents let me do whatever i wanted...and they would have let me stay as long as i wanted. but luckily my mom made me come home. at the time i was annoyed, but now i am grateful. but again, like cherie2 says, she knows her son...my mom must have known me...
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#68 of 71 Old 06-10-2007, 06:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by SamuraiEarthMama View Post
Cherie, I think I might be in a situation more like yours than some of these other mamas. I've seen a very strong sense of trust and responsibility and respect develop in my kids because I don't "lower the boom" on them for no reason other than I want to.

But I can also understand your wanting to see your son!

If I was in your position, I'd invite the friends to come over to my house for a while... just let them know you're feeling lonely and left-out, and give it maybe a day so DS can help clean up and plan some food and so on.

Talk to the other mom, let her know her kids (and HER!) are welcome to come visit at your house, that you'd like to get to know them better, and you want a turn hanging out with your kid, that you need him to help out with the house a little bit and you just want to hear what's going on with him.

My DS just started his first relationship with a girl, they're both 13. I don't think I'm ready for him to be spending the night at her house, but both kids have already spent a lot of time hanging out at each other's houses. And DS does spend the night at his guy-friend's houses... if it was a sister of someone he'd already spent the night with, well, if the mom was on board with nothing too out-of-hand going on, then I'd be OK with him spending the night there.

As far as what is "out of hand," our definition is that you don't do anything with your girl/boyfriend that you wouldn't do if I was sitting right there in the room with you. I know kids need to explore their sexuality, but I'm afraid I'm still enough of a prude that they're gonna have to grow up enough to get their own place (or pay for their own hotel room) to do anything more than snuggling on the couch. If you're old enough to have your own place, then you're old enough to deal with the consequences of sex. If you're not old enough to have a regular place to go to for nookie, then maybe you're not old enough to deal with the fallout!

You might want to check with the other mom and make sure her values are near yours in this department.

Good luck!
Perfectly said!!
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#69 of 71 Old 06-10-2007, 07:26 PM
 
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I'm replying to this because I am the mother of two teen boys (16 & 18). I have always been a free spirited mother and my relationship with my sons is very open and honest.
Oh yeah, and I'm in Oregon.
Anyways, I digress...to the OP - you posted asking how to get him to come home and then you seemed to backtrack which was a bit weird.
Here's the deal - you're his mom. He has one blood family - yours. He is just 14. A baby really. He definitely is having sex if he likes that girl there. Trust me. He's 14...
He doesn't understand birth control in the heat of the moment. He's 14.
I say take some responsibility. Get some backbone (I don't mean this to be mean...truly) and tell him to get his butt home. If he doesn't like it too bad.
If he was out doing something bad (vandalism let's say) YOU would be the one to pay his fines and attend court with him etc. So while he is under 18 it is YOUR responsibility to know where he is and what he is doing at all times.
I was a young mom (barely 18). I got away with everything when I was a teen because I lied like crazy to my parents. Yet they would tell you to this day that I was a pretty good kid. Hah.
I think my sons are good too...but things are starting to come out about certain activities that I would disapprove of and you know...it doesn't surprise me...knowing how I was when I was young.
I'm just encouraging you to open your eyes to this situation and things like potential pregnancy, STDs, drinking, drugs, bad choices. These happen in the best of families and situations right under your nose.
Trust me. I'm the mom of boys too.
Best of luck.
PS when I say I want my kids home, they just come home. I tell them that I miss them and love them and want to have dinner/ watch a movie with whatever and home they come. Our family unit is pretty tight though, we'd rather come home to each other most of the time anyways LOL
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#70 of 71 Old 06-10-2007, 08:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Jasmine_xoxo View Post
Here's the deal - you're his mom. He has one blood family - yours. He is just 14. A baby really. He definitely is having sex if he likes that girl there. Trust me. He's 14...
Being 14 and staying in a home where there are teens of the opposite gender, even if they like each other, does not equate "definately having sex."

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Originally Posted by Jasmine_xoxo
He doesn't understand birth control in the heat of the moment. He's 14.
Being 14 doesn't equate no self control.
Being 14 doesn't equate inability to "understand birth control in the heat of the moment."

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Originally Posted by Jasmine_xoxo
I say take some responsibility. Get some backbone (I don't mean this to be mean...truly) and tell him to get his butt home. If he doesn't like it too bad.
Obviously you failed to read anything about the OP's relationship with her son or the workings of her family. They appear to not subscribe to the idea of do it b/c I tell you to do it. They also appear to strive for mutual respect and listening to your child...not the authoritarian type household of do b/c I am the adult and you are the child. I am pretty certain they aren't the only ones on this site who feel the same way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasmine_xoxo
If he was out doing something bad (vandalism let's say) YOU would be the one to pay his fines and attend court with him etc. So while he is under 18 it is YOUR responsibility to know where he is and what he is doing at all times.
Do you really think you can know what your teen is doing at all times? I think that is a bit of a stretch. Honestly, if my child would break the law...he would pay for the court fines and take responsibility for his actions. You need to let your teens step away and learn how to function outside of the watchful eye of the parents...how else will they learn?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasmine_xoxo
I was a young mom (barely 18). I got away with everything when I was a teen because I lied like crazy to my parents. Yet they would tell you to this day that I was a pretty good kid. Hah.
I would guess noone can know for sure if their child is telling the truth or lieing, but at some point you have to trust what you have taught them and let them figure it out on their own.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jasmine_xoxo
I think my sons are good too...but things are starting to come out about certain activities that I would disapprove of and you know...it doesn't surprise me...knowing how I was when I was young.
I'm just encouraging you to open your eyes to this situation and things like potential pregnancy, STDs, drinking, drugs, bad choices. These happen in the best of families and situations right under your nose.
What do you think is the solution? How do you think anyone can know at all times what their child is doing?

We all teach our children about sex, drugs, drinking, and bad choices. They aren't going to learn anything without getting out their on their own and living without us on top of them. I am sure some kids will make bad choices, but there are also plenty who do just fine. The only way to learn is by doing.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
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#71 of 71 Old 06-10-2007, 09:46 PM
 
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I'm just posting from my experience of raising 2 of my own teen boys, and 2 of my fiance's. So really no experience at all where boys are concerned eh?

She seemed to want him to home, and then backtracked. Which I found confusing.

Your points were valid, thanks. But I didn't agree with all of them which is fine. I doubt you expected me to

I've probably raised my kids very similarly to her as well (except we do public school etc), but each child IS different. And each child does make good and bad choices.

And yes a 14 year old boy unsupervised in a house with the opposite sex that he already likes will have thoughts of sex. It is a rocky slippery slope. One best not trodden while 14. Boys are boys. 14 is a red hot age. Don't feed the fire if you don't want it to flame up.

My opinions only, not intended to offend, but I am sticking to them.
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