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#1 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So my 14 year old ds made a new friend ... who apparently has a cute sister ... anyway he has been at their house for over a week now. I want him to come home .. and every day he says he is going to and the asks to stay one more night. He is unschooled and has no real "commitments" to speak of that he needs to be home for. But I miss him and want him to come home. Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..

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#2 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:25 PM
 
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What does the other family think about him being over there every night? They may want him to not be there, but keep hoping you'll say that he can't come back so they don't have to look like they are kicking him out. I'd explain to him that he needs to come home, since his home is with you and that family needs their space back.
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#3 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:25 PM
 
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Have you spoken to his friend's mother? Maybe you should tell her that you want your son to come home.

**Just as I was hitting the send button, I found that fek&fuzz better articulated my thoughts!
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#4 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:28 PM
 
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I'm confused. You said he's 14. He's underage.... I'm not clear on what "unschooled" means, but a kid under 16 needs some schooling-legally- even if it's homeschooling right? If you really want him home-- the parents need to send him home, he's a minor. It's still you're call. I know the main thing here is respecting your child's individuality etc. but- really. A fourteen year old? You could call the police.
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#5 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:44 PM
 
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"Ds, it's time for you to come home. I know you're having a good time, but you're in danger of outstaying your welcome. A good guest knows when it's time to leave. And it's time. And you know, buddy, I miss you too. So, it's time to come home. And we'll make sure that you get back to see your friend very soon. I'll be by at 5 pm to pick you up."

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#6 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:50 PM
 
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I'm confused. You said he's 14. He's underage.... I'm not clear on what "unschooled" means, but a kid under 16 needs some schooling-legally- even if it's homeschooling right? If you really want him home-- the parents need to send him home, he's a minor. It's still you're call. I know the main thing here is respecting your child's individuality etc. but- really. A fourteen year old? You could call the police.
Read up on unschooling. no you do not 'legally' need to put your child into a uniformed school in alot of states.

I first read about unschooling on these boards, it's not for me but it was very eye opening to see how some people do it.

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#7 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 05:59 PM
 
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Everyone needs to speak their truth. If you want him to come home say so. If the friends don't want him over there anymore they need to tell him it's time to go home. It's not other peoples jobs to speak for you. General you there, not you specifically.
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#8 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 07:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Yes, I have spoken to the mother ...(just about every day) She is very happy to have him there, I think his presence is somehow helpful in their house right now. And he would come home if I told him to, its just every evening he asks to stay over again and I can not find a good reason to say no. He is a very mature and independent 14 year old, and I respect his decisions and his wishes. I didn't think I was going to have to defend unschooling on this board... I wont, somebody else can if they wish .. anyway, I guess I was just looking for somebody to give me a good reason to bring him home ... (the best one I have read is that he is in danger of wearing out his welcome. ) or at least just have somebody to whine to

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#9 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 07:51 PM
 
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I'm not clear on what "unschooled" means, but a kid under 16 needs some schooling-legally- even if it's homeschooling right?
Many of us take a very different view on what constitutes valuable learning - for us, learning is accomplished by living and doing, not by participating in an artificial system. Different states have different requirements about showing "proof" of progress.

I think I would go with the wear-out-the-welcome thing, and alternatively I would be concerned that this family may be over-involving your son in their family dynamic. I have an unschooled almost 12 year old, so I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to say "come home because I said so," but I think you do have a compelling reason - his family misses him!
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#10 of 71 Old 05-07-2007, 08:04 PM
 
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I can relate, I don't say no to things "just because". DD in the past went through a stage of wanting to be over at her friends all the time. And they only lived across the street and the parent was like a surrogate grandmother to her.

She never stayed for a week though their kids go to school where as she is HS'd so she wasn't going to hang out all day while the kids were gone.

I do think missing him is a legit reason to ask him to come home though
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#11 of 71 Old 05-08-2007, 02:52 PM
 
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I'm a firm believer in respecting a child's wishes and fostering their independence, but I've never interpreted that to mean that the child never has to do something they don't want to do (to me, that's the definition of "spoiled rotten"). A child NEEDS rules, structure, and limits.

YOU are the Mom. There is nothing wring with telling your son "It's time for you to come home now because I feel that you've been gone long enough".

"I miss you" IS reason enough, if you feel like you HAVE to give him some sort of explanation.

If the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

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#12 of 71 Old 05-08-2007, 03:06 PM
 
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IMO I miss you is a valid reason. You've been gone "long enough" isn't. What is "long enough" ? Long enough that I missed you, um ok. But there has to be something behind the "enough" yk? Enough must be defined IMO to really be understood and legit with a kid. And I prefer to give a real reason when I request something.


just rambling...........
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#13 of 71 Old 05-08-2007, 03:29 PM
 
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What about he needs to come home and do his laundry? Isn't he getting kind of stinky over there?
I think I miss you is a valid enough reason, as is he may be wearing out his welcome.

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#14 of 71 Old 05-08-2007, 06:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post
"Ds, it's time for you to come home. I know you're having a good time, but you're in danger of outstaying your welcome. A good guest knows when it's time to leave. And it's time. And you know, buddy, I miss you too. So, it's time to come home. And we'll make sure that you get back to see your friend very soon. I'll be by at 5 pm to pick you up."
Personally i think Lynn said it well,, "its time to come home son, ill be there at 5pm".. give him no choice, you dont need a reason , give him some chores to do at home , make him feel needed, let his freind come to your home. good luck..
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#15 of 71 Old 05-08-2007, 06:40 PM
 
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LOl I was thinking how rank his socks & underwear must be by now. Although maybe there is another similar sized boy there, or maybe he did a load of laundry there.
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#16 of 71 Old 05-08-2007, 07:12 PM
 
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Cherie2 my dd 14( 15 tomorrow)is very sociable, she's always out and about, staying at her mates, going to gigs,her friends are soo important to her. She was staying at an older girls house last year for nearly a week at a time , phoning me to ask to stay another night and I was feeling bad about it cos this is like another single mom with 2 girls but they were out most the time. I get quite a few nasty comments/looks from certain other moms cos my dd is allowed to go out at the age she is so I was interested that your ds is also 'allowed'. I maintain contact with wherever she stays and we have a fairly good relationship about trusting and talking. My dd attends school but if she wants days off and it's not exam time or whatever I'm fine with that and cover for her cos they don't have a policy in school where you can just say yeah my kids having a day off I have to lie and say she's not well! I have also homeschooled over the years and don't feel like the state owns my children. I would go with the you will outstay your welcome or I miss you or I'll see you at 5pm for pickup or all three, sounds like they are just enjoying the time spent together, most people that I know as friends, people I've known a long time, their kids are all unschooled and are older now and all travel round staying at each others houses and getting out and about. Not stuck in school all day.
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#17 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 11:18 AM
 
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Cherie, it's now two days later. Has your son come home yet?
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#18 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 12:16 PM
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ummmm....how bout, I am your mom, and I would like you to come home...now.

:

Why does a 14 year old need to be at a friends house for a week? Just because he wants to insn't justification enough. Is he learning something over there? Can you unschool while hanging out at a friends house? Doesn't make much sense. You're his mom, tell him to come home.
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#19 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 12:38 PM
 
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Cherie, I think I might be in a situation more like yours than some of these other mamas. I've seen a very strong sense of trust and responsibility and respect develop in my kids because I don't "lower the boom" on them for no reason other than I want to.

But I can also understand your wanting to see your son!

If I was in your position, I'd invite the friends to come over to my house for a while... just let them know you're feeling lonely and left-out, and give it maybe a day so DS can help clean up and plan some food and so on.

Talk to the other mom, let her know her kids (and HER!) are welcome to come visit at your house, that you'd like to get to know them better, and you want a turn hanging out with your kid, that you need him to help out with the house a little bit and you just want to hear what's going on with him.

My DS just started his first relationship with a girl, they're both 13. I don't think I'm ready for him to be spending the night at her house, but both kids have already spent a lot of time hanging out at each other's houses. And DS does spend the night at his guy-friend's houses... if it was a sister of someone he'd already spent the night with, well, if the mom was on board with nothing too out-of-hand going on, then I'd be OK with him spending the night there.

As far as what is "out of hand," our definition is that you don't do anything with your girl/boyfriend that you wouldn't do if I was sitting right there in the room with you. I know kids need to explore their sexuality, but I'm afraid I'm still enough of a prude that they're gonna have to grow up enough to get their own place (or pay for their own hotel room) to do anything more than snuggling on the couch. If you're old enough to have your own place, then you're old enough to deal with the consequences of sex. If you're not old enough to have a regular place to go to for nookie, then maybe you're not old enough to deal with the fallout!

You might want to check with the other mom and make sure her values are near yours in this department.

Good luck!
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#20 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 12:56 PM
 
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As far as what is "out of hand," our definition is that you don't do anything with your girl/boyfriend that you wouldn't do if I was sitting right there in the room with you. I know kids need to explore their sexuality, but I'm afraid I'm still enough of a prude that they're gonna have to grow up enough to get their own place (or pay for their own hotel room) to do anything more than snuggling on the couch. If you're old enough to have your own place, then you're old enough to deal with the consequences of sex. If you're not old enough to have a regular place to go to for nookie, then maybe you're not old enough to deal with the fallout!
Which is a very practical and well-reasoned approach.
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#21 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 10:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am a little surprised by all the "make him come home" comments. I guess I just live in a little bit of a different world. I personally left home at 13, so for me it is sort of "normal" to be out and about for days on in at his age. Really I am not trying to defend it either. I would like for him to come home. But what I don't want is to create a situation where he is home resentfully. What will that accomplish?
As far as the worry about him having sex? I am concerned about that. I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched. I was 13 when I had my first "experience" as was my dd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well he is coming home tonight I guess we will be having some conversations tonight

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#22 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 10:14 PM
 
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"My kid has gone to live with another family for a couple of weeks, and I've never met this family, but we are unschoolers so it's ok".

Rock on.
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#23 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 10:16 PM
 
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I was kind of seeing the conundrum until Cherie mentioned not ever having met the family.

Seriously, I think that having a set of rules, not necessarily for your son, but for you, would be in order.

Just because your 14 year old strikes you as mature doesn't mean it's appropriate for him to be thrust in situations where he has to be mature. He's still just a kid.
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#24 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 10:56 PM
 
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So my 14 year old ds made a new friend ... who apparently has a cute sister ... anyway he has been at their house for over a week now. I want him to come home .. and every day he says he is going to and the asks to stay one more night. He is unschooled and has no real "commitments" to speak of that he needs to be home for. But I miss him and want him to come home. Next time he asks to stay another night I just want to tell him "NO". But I have no justification..
You have justification............You like being around your child. I would tell him no but his friend is more than welcome to stay at yours.
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#25 of 71 Old 05-09-2007, 10:57 PM
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I am a little surprised by all the "make him come home" comments. I guess I just live in a little bit of a different world. I personally left home at 13, so for me it is sort of "normal" to be out and about for days on in at his age. Really I am not trying to defend it either. I would like for him to come home. But what I don't want is to create a situation where he is home resentfully. What will that accomplish?
As far as the worry about him having sex? I am concerned about that. I don't know this family well, (have never actually met them in person) so I don't know how carefully these kids are being watched. I was 13 when I had my first "experience" as was my dd. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Well he is coming home tonight I guess we will be having some conversations tonight
You have no idea about the family he is with, you don't want a 14 year old home resentfully, you have no idea how carefully the kids are being watched...are you prepared to have your 14 year old become a father????? these are you CHILDREN, they are still CHILDREN!!!! They belong at home with you!
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#26 of 71 Old 05-10-2007, 01:55 AM
 
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In all honesty, the area and community that Cheri lives in is not one that is judgemental about this. There are more unschoolers, homeschoolers, and life leaders in our community than you could ever imagine. (think Ken Kesey and the merry pranksters) Children, all children here are part of the greater family. It is one of the main reasons I moved back home. I am just as likely to have my neighbor's children for dinner as they are to have mine. I do the neighbor's basic yard work, they would bake an extra dozen cookies for my house. You really would have to live in this community to truly understand.

I really don't think anyone has a right to judge. She is the parent, and while she might have been looking for some suggestions on how to get her son home in positive way, she was not looking for someone to damn her parenting.
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#27 of 71 Old 05-10-2007, 09:30 AM
 
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Thought I'd give a different perspective. That of the teen. When I was 15 I'd spend night after night after night, possibly even weeks, at a friend's house (I would go home for showers and changing clothes) and this was during the summer so no school to worry about. Anyways, my friends mom would call my home and talk to my Dad (my mom wasn't living with us) and tell him it was ok for me to stay over. The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was NO SUPERVISION of what was going on in her home. We'd smoke pot pretty much all the time and there were also some kids doing acid. There was sexual activity going on (not with me, but with other kids). Lots of things that my Dad would never dream of especially since he talked with the Mom of this household and since I was such a "good girl". Really, I was a straight A student who'd never been in any sort of trouble. There was no curfew in that house, so we could be out wandering in the woods until wee hours of the morning. On the same note, I used to spend the night at a DIFFERENT house (that of my brother's girlfriend and her family whom he was living with). She was close to my age so I'd play it off like I was spending the night at a "friends" house, which she was, but the reason I wanted to stay there is again, the lack of supervision/caring on behalf of the parents. MY boyfriend also stayed there with me (my Dad didn't know this part) and so began my sexual activity. We could do whatever we wanted!

So... of course I had tons of fun while doing these things and I'm really glad I was able to experience them, even though there was so much that could have gone wrong, but now that I'm a parent, OMG, I'm TERRIFIED of when my kids are teens. : I do know that I will KNOW, I mean, really KNOW the parents of any friends my kids will be spending the night with. Not just a quick phone call. You'd be surprised at how "normal" a family may look, but how completely NOT normal things are behind closed doors.

Bethany, mama to M (9), J (7), S (4), and baby BOY 9/13/10!!
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#28 of 71 Old 05-10-2007, 09:33 AM
 
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My oldest daughter tried to do this when she was around 16. The difference was I knew the girl she was staying with & her mother. I let her stay 2 nights instead of the original one & then said she needed to come home. Why? Because it really could have been an imposition on the other family, feeding a teenager is no joke & costs can mount up, & who knew what their plans were or how an extra person might affect them but mainly I said to come home because she didn't life there. You visit friends, you live at home. That doesn't seem harsh or unreasonable to me, especially if you leave the welcome mat out for them to invite others over too.

This was some time ago. Now I would be concerned with issues that didn't occur to me then, like does the family have guns on the premises? There have been numerous instances of teenage boys shooting one another in the news because they got hold of firearms their parents owned & were showing them off. With people allowed to have concealed carry permits there can be guns in homes & cars that you might have no idea of if you aren't familiar with the family. There are also too many stories about kids who go swimming without supervision who run into trouble & drown. The bottom line is, if your child is completely away from home for an extended period you can't supervise him & safety issues can arise, especially in that age bracket that is attracted to risky behavior.
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#29 of 71 Old 05-10-2007, 10:34 AM
 
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The thing is with this mom, although she'd cover for me and talk to my Dad, there was NO SUPERVISION of what was going on in her home.
I was in a very similar situation as a teen. I was thought to be responsible and mature for my age (and I was), but I was still just a kid. Nothing bad happened to me, but that was just because of dumb luck. I had several very close calls, including a possible abduction attempt.
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#30 of 71 Old 05-10-2007, 11:29 AM
 
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My sister did something like this when she was seventeen. Turned out, once we got her home, that the family had been emotionally abusing her and she more or less had Stockholm Syndrome. That was a mess. IMO your justification is that you don't know the family!
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