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#1 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My 10 yo dd has made friends with a girl in her class at school. The girl is friendly, but in my opinion she dresses too mature for her age-she is more mature physically than my daughter. She wears the pants with words on her rear, and spaghetti straps that show way too much. I overheard my older son making some comments about her which made me even more determined to do something. I BARELY know this child's parents. Is there a tactful way to tell them about my concern, or should I just keep quiet and make sure my daughter doesn't copy her?

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#2 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:31 AM
 
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I don't think there's anything you can say - or should say. She's not sneaking out and putting these clothes on (or you don't say she is) so I assume they bought the clothes and know what she's wearing. Frankly, I would be really ticked if someone decided to have a talk with me about the appropriateness of my daughter's clothes. That's their call to make.

I don't know what to tell you if your daughter starts to try to copy the friend or try out her style, but I would not speak to the friend or her parents about her clothes. That's really their call.

You might consider speaking to your son about the appropriateness of making comments about young girl's bodies and clothes.
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#3 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:21 AM
 
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I think that saying something to the girl's parents is a really good way to get a mom and dad extremely angry. Honestly, there isn't a tactful way to talk to her parents about this. And honestly, don't even try to find one!

I can understand being concerned that her clothing choices will rub off on your dd, but that's something easily handled by the explanation something like, "We don't allow clothes like that because we feel they're too revealing for a girl your age. Yes, I know her parents do - but we don't."

Is the girl wearing this clothing at school? Our dress code doesn't allow things like that.

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#4 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:30 AM
 
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You might consider speaking to your son about the appropriateness of making comments about young girl's bodies and clothes.
That is exactly what I was going to say.
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#5 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:34 AM
 
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Take a step back and read what you've written. You think it's your business to decide what other people's children should wear, but you're not saying anything to your son?

I agree- it's none of your business what the girl is wearing. You should be concerned with your son.

-Angela
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#6 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:51 AM
 
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#7 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:53 AM
 
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while i agree that you really shouldn't say anything to the girl's parents about her clothes, i don't think you need to give your son the 3rd degree about his comment either.

did he say something to her? what exactly did he say? i dought his comment was any more inappropriate than her clothing. (meaning both are fine as long as he didn't say anything mean or sexual to her)
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#8 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:23 PM
 
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i don't think you need to give your son the 3rd degree about his comment either.
I was thinking along the lines of don't judge a book by it's cover, girls that age are just finding themselves, they take every comment to heart, it's just not nice to comment on a young girl's body or clothes, etc. I'm not saying you need to sign him up for sensitivity training or anything. It's just a good teaching moment.
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#9 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:41 PM
 
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With all due respect, it's none of your business what she wears. I would talk to my son about his comments though.
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#10 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:41 PM
 
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well thats were these groovy girl dolls come in isnt it..
maybe offer the little girl a sweater. tell her she looks COLD..
just make sure you tell your daughter thats not the way you'd like to see her dress.. and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........
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#11 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:44 PM
 
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Boys will be boys? And what do you expect if you wear certain clothes?

I expect parents to teach their sons to respect women. This isn't about looking, it's about comments. And actions. Your post sounds like the old, well she deserved to get raped, did you see what she was wearing......
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#12 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:44 PM
 
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and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys..
Sure, if you have rock-bottom low expectations of someone's behavior, they'll usually live up to it.
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#13 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:47 PM
 
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and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........
EXCUSE ME? We should teach our daughters that they deserve to be treated like dirt if they wear the wrong thing? And we should teach our boys that we expect them to be pigs?

-Angela
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#14 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:49 PM
 
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well thats were these groovy girl dolls come in isnt it..
and comeon ladies,, boys will be boys.. i mean theres no excuse but really if you wear a top that shows your clevage are you going to get mad if a guy looks.. what do they excpect.........
That saying ("boys will be boys") hurts my heart as a mother of two boys. What I think it really means when people say it is "boys are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy/insert negative adjectives here and they can't help it."

Is this what you meant?

Also, I don't think the problem is that he *looked* it is that he apparently made an inappropriate comment.
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#15 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 12:59 PM
 
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That saying ("boys will be boys") hurts my heart as a mother of two boys. What I think it really means when people say it is "boys are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy/insert negative adjectives here and they can't help it."

Is this what you meant?

Also, I don't think the problem is that he *looked* it is that he apparently made an inappropriate comment.
I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise. .Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..
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#16 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:07 PM
 
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I am going to rock the boat a little.

What if the girls parents don't know how she is dressed? Maybe her parents have guidelines for certain clothes and she is breaking the "rules" at your house. I think you should try to build a friendship with the parents and then maybe later bring up the clothes. Who knows they could be really cool people!

I also think that we need to teach our boys to respect woman.
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#17 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:12 PM
 
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I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise. .Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..
Wow- sorry that's your opinion of half of the population.

-Angela
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#18 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:22 PM
 
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I guess it's a lot easier to write boys off than it is to raise them properly, and a lot easier to excuse bad behavior than to challenge it.
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#19 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 01:43 PM
 
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I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you

Thank you for apologizing, although it was not necessary.

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I I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..
REALLY? CONSTANTLY? I would guess that you are wrong here- that the men in your life have many complex, deep, and diverse thoughts, only one of which is sex.

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where do you think the term comes from..
I'm assuming you mean the saying "boys will be boys." I don't know where it comes from. Probably the same place that says "girls are sugar and spice and all things nice." :
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#20 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:03 PM
 
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I m sorry i didnt mean to offend you. I have two boys also, alot older then yours. again i apolgise. .Im not saying the are rough/dumb/horny/clumsy at all. just they do become men and if you think about it,, what is the only thing they think about. I have never met a man that doesnt constantly think of sex..where do you think the term comes from..
I'm dumbfounded as well. You ARE saying - at the very least - that they're horny all the time. Well, so are a lot of girls. That doesn't mean making rude or derogatory comments (and OP didn't say just what it was her son said, so my apologies if it's being mischaracterized) is okay. There are actually men who are able to moderate what they say - they're not all horny boobs who can't control themselves.
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#21 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:25 PM
 
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IM not going to reply anymore in the best intrest of keeping this light.

I will moderate myself,
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#22 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:32 PM
 
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Of course boys and men can control what they do and say, but they can't always control the direction their thoughts and penises jump (inside their trousers of course!).

What we can teach our girls is that they are being unfair to their friends and schoolmates if they dress inappropriately because it will make it difficult to concentrate in school. I think most girls want to dress fashionably rather than provocatively, but they need to understand that today's fashions are provocative. We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.

I think it is totally appropriate to talk to the school about your concerns (without naming a specific child) and have them address the kids during health class or whenever.
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#23 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:35 PM
 
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Well thank the gods I homeschool so I don't have to feel obligated to censor my childs clothing lest she be an "unfair" distraction
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#24 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:37 PM
 
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We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.
And this happens even when the girls are dressed like nuns. Boy's penises can be unpredictable. I would think we all know this.
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#25 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:37 PM
 
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spaghetti straps come up often as conversation.


If other students her age in her class can wear spaghetti straps then she should be allowed to too. If spaghetti straps are banned altogether than she should not.

I don't think a child should be punished for their bodies progressing at a different rate than their peers, you have no idea the complexes that can be given by telling a child who is already self conscious about their body that what they wear is wrong unless it is wrong for everyone else their age and they are not being singled out.

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#26 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:46 PM
 
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Of course boys and men can control what they do and say, but they can't always control the direction their thoughts and penises jump (inside their trousers of course!).

What we can teach our girls is that they are being unfair to their friends and schoolmates if they dress inappropriately because it will make it difficult to concentrate in school. I think most girls want to dress fashionably rather than provocatively, but they need to understand that today's fashions are provocative. We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.

I think it is totally appropriate to talk to the school about your concerns (without naming a specific child) and have them address the kids during health class or whenever.
To be honest during puberty a pretty girls face was enough to make the trooper stand at attention. What the girl wears really doesn't make a difference.

I know I've argued the other side of this debate before, but honestly the only dress code I can get behind is one that EVERYONE is held up to. I do agree that young women today probably dress too mature, but I remember when I was in school it was the same issue. So... you have to ask yourself.... Is it REALLY an issue? I don't think so, people should wear what they are comfortable in.

All that being said, if spaghetti straps are deemed appropriate for an 8 year old, and 18 years old but nothing in between? that just doesn't make sense. Just because a girl is developing should not make the clothes any more inappropriate than they were 2 years ago or that they will be any more appropriate in 8 more years.

And as for prebuscent and pubescent boys? They will be distracted by girls, or boys for that matter, during those years regardless of what the person they are fantasizing about is wearing.

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#27 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 02:58 PM
 
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I personally have never understood why spaghetti straps are so scandalous. I have worn a spaghetti strap camisole almost every day for the past, oh, 7 years, including half of high school. They're comfortable, great for layering, and incredibly versatile. It's mid May, and pushing 90 in Central Illinois. If I weren't pregnant and super bloated and not fitting an anything, I'd be wandering around in my normal spaghetti straps and shorts because that's what's comfortable and seasonably appropriate.

It bothers me quite a lot when people see a normal, simple shirt, and try to sexualize it.

As most people said, it's not anyone but her parent's place to comment on that girls' clothing. And the OP should definitely say something to her son. It's attitudes like that that make women's life hell. Because of people feeling compelled to comment on what I wear and how I look, I can't walk down the street without being harassed on a daily basis. And I'm guessing that these men's parents never told them it was wrong to comment on another person's clothing.

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#28 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 03:04 PM
 
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What we can teach our girls is that they are being unfair to their friends and schoolmates if they dress inappropriately because it will make it difficult to concentrate in school. I think most girls want to dress fashionably rather than provocatively, but they need to understand that today's fashions are provocative. We've all heard/read stories about boys having to hide erections when they get up from their seats. I'm not sure all girls understand the effect they're having.
I don't think that anyone should have to wonder if their clothing is too sexy. It is not being unfair to boys to have speg. straps on! They can handle it! Why do so many people still view boys as these wild beasts that you don't want to provoke???? Whether or not they might get an erection should NOT dictate what a girl wears.
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#29 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 03:21 PM
 
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She wears the pants with words on her rear, and spaghetti straps that show way too much.
This is common wear for girls here, usually if just hanging out, playing sports, etc. I have seen much more mature/skimpy clothes on 10yo DD friends-short skirts with knee high socks, etc. And it is true, what is a sweet childs outfit on a prepubescent girl is often seen as scandelous on a developing/developed girl. It is up to each parent, not me.

Have I stopped my 10yo DD from wearing certain outfits? Yep. Some things stay in for dress up for her safety. I have taught her it isn't right that some people are gonna see her in that little dress an dressy shoes/boots and judge her or see it as an open door for whatever, but some will and I have to protect her. I tread lightly and she gets it, she has seen and heard how some people react. And she wears spaghetti straps now that it is warm, I never would see that as questionable for any girl.
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#30 of 63 Old 05-10-2007, 03:26 PM
 
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Well thank the gods I homeschool so I don't have to feel obligated to censor my childs clothing lest she be an "unfair" distraction
:

No kidding....

-Angela
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