ToughLove? - Mothering Forums

Thread Tools
#1 of 9 Old 06-18-2003, 11:45 AM - Thread Starter
princess buttercup's Avatar
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: upstate, NY
Posts: 500
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Does anyone have experience with this program/philosophy?
Is it anti-AP?
My DS (13) has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. DH (step dad) and I are at witts-end. We cannot continue to have our relationship and home in upheaval and are attempting to devise a "game plan".
Input and experience is welcomed.
princess buttercup is offline  
Sponsored Links
#2 of 9 Old 06-19-2003, 02:06 AM
Arduinna's Avatar
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Listening to William Control
Posts: 31,346
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 44 Post(s)
I don't have any experience, but you might want to check out the special needs parenting forum (it's in the parenting issues folder) to see if anyone there has experience.

Good Luck
Arduinna is offline  
#3 of 9 Old 06-20-2003, 08:53 PM
Jane's Avatar
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Kenmore, Washington
Posts: 6,956
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know a bit 2nd hand.
In every case I've heard of, it worked well. Even the teen I knew thought it was okay. It made his parents predictable, something they'd never been.

I get the feeling that the parents wished they'd done something sooner, though. Like age 6, not 16. Tough spot to be in.

Homebirth Midwife biggrinbounce.gif

After 4 m/c, our stillheart.gif is here!

Jane is offline  
#4 of 9 Old 06-22-2003, 09:07 AM
stayinghome's Avatar
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: the land of the lost
Posts: 4,726
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My in laws did this when my husband's brother was out of control at 16. It didn't help, he just got furious. Of course, they were a bit inconsistant. He only straitened out at 20, now he's married and has a little boy!

Sahm mom to three lovely girls, and happily married to a great, sweet guy
stayinghome is offline  
#5 of 9 Old 07-03-2003, 02:36 PM
applejuice's Avatar
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: hunting the wild aebelskiever
Posts: 21,882
Mentioned: 50 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 288 Post(s)
I used TOUGHLOVE for my then 16 year old daughter. I used it alittle late, but there is another reason it did not work.

At 11, my dd began to run out at night and disappear for days. I started to turn her in to the LAPD. She had a long rap sheet. The juvenile detectives took reports and after a while they told me there is no such thing as a curfew law so no law is being broken here. The head juvenile detective turned ME into CPS and on paper effectively took all of my children from me. They were returned to me within a week.

The head juvenile dectective killed herself on network news a year later. -- It helps if the local law enforcement is playing with a full deck.

With TOUGHLOVE, as I understand it, you report your teen for unlawful behaviour, and then the child takes the consequences. If the law enforcement is not willing to enforce any laws, then there is no point.

"Vaccines are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get - acute hemorrhagic edema of infancy, allergies, diabetes, eczema, petit/gran mal seizures, ADEM, AFP, ASIA, CFS, GBS, JPA, JRA, LGS, LKS, MS, POF, POTS, RA, SJS, SLE, SPD, TPI, Henoch-Schonlein purpua, fibromyalgia, Retts Syndrome, encephalitis, Hughes Syndrome, neurological damage, coma, or death."

~paraphrased from "Forrest Gump"~
applejuice is offline  
#6 of 9 Old 07-03-2003, 03:19 PM
Lucky Charm's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: brett favre's house
Posts: 7,474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My daughter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder by a therapist, after her behavior suddenly went bad and escalated.

We came down hard. set firm limits with strong consequences. For a month, she was a virtual prisoner in our home. She is only 15, and i am responsible for her both morally and legally. meaning, if she gets into trouble, i stand to lose everything we have worked so hard for. I cannot allow her behavior to rule my household, i have two other children. AP, not AP, the bottom line, is, i am not her friend, I am her mother. My job right now is to get her to 18 in one piece. I have to save her from herself.

things are better. she is doing well. but is exhausting to constantly have to reinforce boundries, limits, etc. I like toughlove, because it makes kids accountable for their actions. I think alot of whats wrong is that kids dont feel accountable, they feel entitled.
Lucky Charm is offline  
#7 of 9 Old 07-14-2003, 06:32 PM
mamawanabe's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: lorrie in Chicago
Posts: 1,824
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Wow my experience with this has been so different than the above posters. My boyfreind in high school was irresponsible and impulsive - he had a good heart but a hot head. Perhaps he has a streak of cruelity in him. He was trouble, but minor trouble - like a speeding ticket, running away one weekend, lying, having long hair, yelling at his parents, sneaking out. Anyway, his parents did "tough love" with him and when he didn't follow their rules, they kicked him out. He stayed with my family for a month or two, went back home, got kicked out again, and eventually went to live with his grandmother an hour away. She indulged him. Now at 33 he is married, father of two, and is very stable. I attribute this to his grandmother's unconditional love (as well as to his wife). His grandmother did put up with some shit though.

He has never forgiven his mom. His anger at her, 15 years later, is astounding.

Perhaps his parents didn't really follow "tough love," just used the concept to justify trying to control him and then kicking him out. They also stuck him in CDU (chemical dependency unit- a substance abuse hospital for juviniles) for run-of-the-mill teenage drinking; it was there that he first tried drugs. Guess I am still a little angry at his parents too . . .
mamawanabe is offline  
#8 of 9 Old 07-18-2003, 02:24 AM
marymom's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Treasure Coast,South Florida
Posts: 532
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I dont see pure form tough love as an option for people who are willing to share responsibility for their childrens actions, with their children,
and I am willing to share responsibility for my children's behavior with them.
and trust me that aint always easy <sigh>
I think as with any other program it needs to be tempered withthe family's individual lifestyle and needs.
I think that sometimes when a young adult expresses anger she needs boundaris, and parents moreso than 'friends' as another post suggested, I very much agree, but also, the consequences served to the young adult must be with sincere love not also anger from the parent, I think therein lies the key,
when a child is most hardest to love, she needs love the most.
check this out
if you question that parents and children arent equal and that families are not about 'togetherness' than you may not agree with TL
I myself prefer flexible love but I totally think that each family is different
peace andlove ~mary
marymom is offline  
#9 of 9 Old 07-18-2003, 10:48 AM
Lucky Charm's Avatar
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: brett favre's house
Posts: 7,474
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
when a child is most hardest to love, she needs love the most
That is so true. the more they pull away, the closer you need to hold them.
Lucky Charm is offline  

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Online Users: 14,421

25 members and 14,396 guests
babydoulajo , Baby_Cakes , BirthFree , Deborah , esg , henry le , JElaineB , karalynnskies , lisak1234 , Lovelyfreebird , Lucee , Michele123 , moominmamma , NaturallyKait , pgu2017 , philomom , RollerCoasterMama , scaramouche131 , SPrada , Springshowers , thefragile7393 , zebra15
Most users ever online was 449,755, 06-25-2014 at 12:21 PM.