ToughLove? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 06-18-2003, 11:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Does anyone have experience with this program/philosophy?
Is it anti-AP?
My DS (13) has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. DH (step dad) and I are at witts-end. We cannot continue to have our relationship and home in upheaval and are attempting to devise a "game plan".
Input and experience is welcomed.
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#2 of 9 Old 06-19-2003, 02:06 AM
 
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I don't have any experience, but you might want to check out the special needs parenting forum (it's in the parenting issues folder) to see if anyone there has experience.

Good Luck
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#3 of 9 Old 06-20-2003, 08:53 PM
 
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I know a bit 2nd hand.
In every case I've heard of, it worked well. Even the teen I knew thought it was okay. It made his parents predictable, something they'd never been.

I get the feeling that the parents wished they'd done something sooner, though. Like age 6, not 16. Tough spot to be in.

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#4 of 9 Old 06-22-2003, 09:07 AM
 
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My in laws did this when my husband's brother was out of control at 16. It didn't help, he just got furious. Of course, they were a bit inconsistant. He only straitened out at 20, now he's married and has a little boy!

Sahm mom to three lovely girls, and happily married to a great, sweet guy
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#5 of 9 Old 07-03-2003, 02:36 PM
 
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I used TOUGHLOVE for my then 16 year old daughter. I used it alittle late, but there is another reason it did not work.

At 11, my dd began to run out at night and disappear for days. I started to turn her in to the LAPD. She had a long rap sheet. The juvenile detectives took reports and after a while they told me there is no such thing as a curfew law so no law is being broken here. The head juvenile detective turned ME into CPS and on paper effectively took all of my children from me. They were returned to me within a week.

The head juvenile dectective killed herself on network news a year later. -- It helps if the local law enforcement is playing with a full deck.

With TOUGHLOVE, as I understand it, you report your teen for unlawful behaviour, and then the child takes the consequences. If the law enforcement is not willing to enforce any laws, then there is no point.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#6 of 9 Old 07-03-2003, 03:19 PM
 
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My daughter was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder by a therapist, after her behavior suddenly went bad and escalated.

We came down hard. set firm limits with strong consequences. For a month, she was a virtual prisoner in our home. She is only 15, and i am responsible for her both morally and legally. meaning, if she gets into trouble, i stand to lose everything we have worked so hard for. I cannot allow her behavior to rule my household, i have two other children. AP, not AP, the bottom line, is, i am not her friend, I am her mother. My job right now is to get her to 18 in one piece. I have to save her from herself.

things are better. she is doing well. but is exhausting to constantly have to reinforce boundries, limits, etc. I like toughlove, because it makes kids accountable for their actions. I think alot of whats wrong is that kids dont feel accountable, they feel entitled.
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#7 of 9 Old 07-14-2003, 06:32 PM
 
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Wow my experience with this has been so different than the above posters. My boyfreind in high school was irresponsible and impulsive - he had a good heart but a hot head. Perhaps he has a streak of cruelity in him. He was trouble, but minor trouble - like a speeding ticket, running away one weekend, lying, having long hair, yelling at his parents, sneaking out. Anyway, his parents did "tough love" with him and when he didn't follow their rules, they kicked him out. He stayed with my family for a month or two, went back home, got kicked out again, and eventually went to live with his grandmother an hour away. She indulged him. Now at 33 he is married, father of two, and is very stable. I attribute this to his grandmother's unconditional love (as well as to his wife). His grandmother did put up with some shit though.

He has never forgiven his mom. His anger at her, 15 years later, is astounding.

Perhaps his parents didn't really follow "tough love," just used the concept to justify trying to control him and then kicking him out. They also stuck him in CDU (chemical dependency unit- a substance abuse hospital for juviniles) for run-of-the-mill teenage drinking; it was there that he first tried drugs. Guess I am still a little angry at his parents too . . .
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#8 of 9 Old 07-18-2003, 02:24 AM
 
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I dont see pure form tough love as an option for people who are willing to share responsibility for their childrens actions, with their children,
and I am willing to share responsibility for my children's behavior with them.
and trust me that aint always easy <sigh>
I think as with any other program it needs to be tempered withthe family's individual lifestyle and needs.
I think that sometimes when a young adult expresses anger she needs boundaris, and parents moreso than 'friends' as another post suggested, I very much agree, but also, the consequences served to the young adult must be with sincere love not also anger from the parent, I think therein lies the key,
when a child is most hardest to love, she needs love the most.
check this out
http://www.toughlove.org/HTML/10beliefs.htm
if you question that parents and children arent equal and that families are not about 'togetherness' than you may not agree with TL
I myself prefer flexible love but I totally think that each family is different
peace andlove ~mary
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#9 of 9 Old 07-18-2003, 10:48 AM
 
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Quote:
when a child is most hardest to love, she needs love the most
That is so true. the more they pull away, the closer you need to hold them.
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