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1K views 13 replies 13 participants last post by  Ruthla 
#1 ·
11-year-old girls.

I'm having doubts about my DD's level of maturity, and am wondering if our quiet, let-them-be-kids lifestyle is holding her back.

My DD will be 11 in September. She's going into sixth grade. Her favorite playmate is her almost-8-year-old sister. Now that it's summer, they play together all day, making things for their stuffed animals, making them talk in weird voices, creating elaborate set-ups for them, collecting rocks, roller-blading, scootering, coming inside, going outside, playing horses . . .

My DD has three best friends from school and a dear lifelong friend. She plays well with all of them, and gets along easily with other children she knows from school. But she's disinterested in the complexities that come up in relationships with other children. She's very uncomfortable with conflict and tends to walk away from any complicated social issues (and there have been a few among her friends this past year). She doesn't like to sit and talk. She wants to PLAY. Or do artwork. Or read.

Because she's our oldest, we're not sure if her playfulness is normal. DH worries that we're holding her back by letting her "play down" with her younger sister so much. But they're so compatible and imaginative and comfortable together. They both have other friends; they're just most interested in hanging out with each other when they're away from school. Even on playdates where each girl has a same-aged friend over, they tend to bring the group together so everyone can play something complex and imaginative, dressing up in costumes to put on a play or creating a puppet show out of stuffed animals and a loft window.

DD doesn't care about clothes. She wears her hair in a ponytail every day to keep it out of her way. She likes sweet movies and books about animals and families, and has almost no exposure to current pop culture.

Perhaps driving my worries is the graduation ceremony that was held at her elementary school last week. Girls graduating from fifth grade were dressed to the hilt--several of them looked like 25-year-olds getting ready to go out on a serious date, with fancy dresses, heels, makeup, hair professionally done. Many of the girls her age--albeit not the ones she's interested in hanging around with--are already into boys and clothes and hair. 90 percent of her fifth-grade classmates will attend middle school for sixth grade; we've opted to keep DD at the elementary school, feeling that she's not ready for the middle school environment. She'll be part of one small class of sixth graders whose parents made the same choice. (Two of her best friends will be there with her.)

I guess I need some reassurance that we're not hindering her maturity or setting her up to be made fun of. We live in a very socially competitive community and I definitely see girls her age who are zooming ahead of her maturity-wise. Can you mamas offer any perspective?

Anne
 
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#2 ·
Hi I was just lurking....and I don't have a pre-teen. But I *was* that teen you're talking about! LOL

I think you're probaby doing fine. I *did* get teased in 6th grade (so badly that I changed schools) but once I changed schools, I was able to find a "click" of friends that also weren't on the fast track to adulthood....and I ended up having a lovely time in high school with many male and female friends, despite the fact that I never had an official boyfriend.

Life might be a little more painful for your daughter right now, but she will end up feeling better about herself if you can help support her in her transition from childhood to adulthood. My mom assured me "you're a late-bloomer - just wait, you'll see" and she was right. I had no problems dating in college and otherwise I'm pretty well adjusted.

I think the rush to get kids to act too old is really at the expense of them having a strong sense of self...so I would just hold firm if I were you.
Just make sure she does have some strong friends who appreciate her for who she is - and let her mature at her own rate.

hth
peace,
robyn
 
#3 ·
My dd is 10, and she sounds EXACTLY like your dd. She had two friends for a sleepover--the other girls listened to pop music while my dd drew a cartoon. It's ok to let them be themselves.
 
#4 ·
My DD is 10 and is pretty much the same way. She plays with dolls, legos, and toy horses and her little sister is a best friend. She cares about clothes a little bit -- but mostly wears capri pants and long shirts, it's sort of a hip but sporty and relaxed style. She wants to look nice, but she is happy to look 10, if you know what I mean.

<<I guess I need some reassurance that we're not hindering her maturity>>

I guess it depends on how you define "maturity." I see my DD as mature because she is responsible, thoughtful, and curtious. She can do her own laundry and cook simple foods. She works hard at things she cares about.

I guess I just don't see wearing make up and high heels as equalling "maturity."

Is your DD happy?
 
#5 ·
Have you read the thread "Modesty and Teens"? Your 11 year old sounds wonderful -- cherish the time she wants to stay a child (especially if she can deal with any unkindness from peers). Our kids today (especially girls) grow up WAY too fast on the whole and don't generally have the maturity to deal with it. My younger daughter turned 11 yesterday and her preferred activity is still Playmobil, with stuffed animals a close second. Fortunately she has friends who like to do the same things. She thinks my (just turned) 13 year-old is nuts for being so clothing obsessed! (And even my 13 year-old will sometimes still play Playmobil with her sister!)

My only suggestion would be to make sure she feels strong in her decision -- support and encourage her in her choices. If she's comfortable and happy, more power to her!
 
#6 ·
My 10 yo dd is similar to yours. When she plays with certain friends she can end up acting older, but then will play dolls and dress up with different friends or her younger sibs. I've had thoughts such as youurs and what helped me was differentiating between mature and wordly. My dd is very mature in that she is responsible, trustworthy etc,. I think the high fashion, pop culture, boy craze falls more under wordly. Not that I think wordly is a problem, but it is not a prerequisite to maturity. My dd has friends in both category and I think the only way to really harm her is to try to get her to be something she is not.
 
#9 ·
Thanks for all the replies. For me, this is just another version of the worrying I used to do when DD was a baby-toddler-preschooler and I had this fear that she would never proceed beyond her current stage, which at that point was clingy and terrified of any new situations. When she went off to first grade at a new school and didn't cry on the first day, I realized she had, in fact, grown up enough to manage her emotions in a stressful situation. Looking back on those years, when I truly believed she would NEVER be able to attend a children's birthday party without huddling on my lap sucking her thumb, I can say that she was just little and that I should have known she'd come around in her own good time.

In many ways, DD is mature. She's responsible and polite and wise in ways that put many adults to shame. (Like her ability to see a competitive conflict for what it is and walk away from it without getting drawn in.) But she is NOT worldly. Nor do I wish her to be. I just do not want my own wish to keep her unworldly and innocent, and my own satisfaction with her preference for playtime and family, to hold her back from growing up. One thing I tell her all the time, though, and it's something I probably should remember for myself: Have your own experience.

My DDs are going to grow at their own rate and in their own style. As long as they're happy and confident, I guess I should just have my own experience as their mom, huh?
 
#10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by witch's mom View Post
My DDs are going to grow at their own rate and in their own style. As long as they're happy and confident, I guess I should just have my own experience as their mom, huh?
I love the conclusion you came to and the way you worded it. Seriously, I'm going to tuck that away and hopefully I'll remember it down the road.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by hippymomma69 View Post
Hi I was just lurking....and I don't have a pre-teen. But I *was* that teen you're talking about! LOL

....and I ended up having a lovely time in high school with many male and female friends, despite the fact that I never had an official boyfriend.
:This was me too. My mom would drop me off at the mall with all my friends & while they went & socialized with the boys, I went into the bookstore & read
Cherish this time with your DD Mama. I just hope my DD is very similar.
 
#14 ·
I think your 10.5yo would get along perfectly with my newly 11yo!!

You're not "holding her back" from anything by letting her blossom at her own pace. "Maturity" is about being responsible and kind, doing chores when asked, caring about other people's feelings, trusting her alone in the house for an hour, and feeling safe leaving younger children with her. "Maturity" is NOT about the ability to "play grownup".

I remember being around that age and shopping with my mom for pantyhose and bras (before I needed them) and then coming home and playing with my dolls. I'm sure that many of those "mini grownups" you saw at 5th grade graduation are still very playful and childlike at times. Besides, for many of them dressing up and "playing teenager" isnt' any more significant than 5yos playing dressup. I'd be far more concerned with their behavior and the way they treat others than what kinds of clothes they wear.
 
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