Son had an erection, how should I respond? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 10Likes
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 08:45 AM - Thread Starter
 
jdedmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 812
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Eben'sMama View Post
I'm wondering if maybe he figured that his parents would notice the erection, so he decided to address it first and make light of it. It could be that on some level he IS becoming more aware that erections are not always perceived as "socially appropriate," so he was managing it the best way he knew how.

If he's never been taught by his parents that there's anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about when it comes to things like erections, that seems like a really creative, appropriate and direct way to address the situation. It speaks volumes about how much he trusts you guys. Your DS sounds like he's doing just fine to me!

Melissa,

I quoted your post because I believe this is where he was coming from. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your viewpoint. I posted asking how I should repond to him. All the comments suggesting he is not "normal" is really hurting. My son is the most open, uncensored, sensative, giving child. I try to teach him what's appropriate when he needs to know. We do talk about sex. He knows what you have to do, how to do it and what happens when you do. He has learned that from me. I am not going to hand him condoms, give him instruction manuels and push him towards the nearest girl. I supervise my son. We talk about school, we talk about girls and we talk about life. I am not burying my head in the sand with regard of him growing up or what could happen at this age.

Our neighbor (female) is very vocal about her opinions and fate of our teen girl neighbors. Says she bets they are pregnant in the next year and tells her son to stay away from all girls or he'll get a girl pregnant. Her son also has unlimited access to violent video games and is unsupervised most of the time.

I have thought of the sexual harrasment issue and that is a big reason why I posted.

My history of sexual abuse has an impact on how and what I teach my sons and why. If anything I think he knows more about what to do if he is approached by anyone in a sexual or overly friendly way.

Again I apprieciate the opinions that something is "just not right" but I don't think this is the case. We will discuss it again with him and talk to his doctor but I'm not concerned that he was showing "red flags". I was hoping for some tips on what to say, how to respond without shaming him.

Thanks,
Stacy
jdedmom is offline  
#32 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 08:51 AM
 
the_lissa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Southern Ontario, Canada
Posts: 13,248
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawanabe View Post
I think instead of teaching/telling him what is socially appropriate (which is arbritary), just tell him that YOU don't want it pointed out, that it makes YOU uncomfortable. You have a right to explain to him your own boundaries, but I do think when you try to enforce these boundaries as social rules, than you may squash his nature exuberance.
I definitely think she should explain what is appropriate. An 11 year old girl should not have to see it at school because he didn't know that it isn't appropriate. It could be very traumatizing for someone, and he could get in trouble also.

To the OP- I don't think it is too open for your neighbour to teach his son about not getting girls pregnant, etc. Your son is 11, and should have a good understanding of puberty, sex, pregnancy and sti prevention, healthy body image, etc.

Jam 7, Peanut Butter 5, and Bread 2.

the_lissa is offline  
#33 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 08:55 AM - Thread Starter
 
jdedmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 812
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmcarons View Post
think about the reaction this boy did get from his family. Everyone had a good chuckle about the situation. Why would he feel inhibited. By 11yo, he knows how his mother will react to this kind of situation. He knows how his family veiws this information. I was more surprised at mom's reaction than the child's behavior. "Go show your father" Not sure I would have done that.... Every family has it's own set of social norms and acceptablity. There is no right or wrong. If you wanted to teach him a boundary line, that was the time to do it. Not neccesarily chuckle with him and tell him to go show his father. I'm not sure after the fact is ok. It kind of makes you look decietful. You laughed with me and made me feel ok and now you are telling me you were uncomfortable? Perhaps waiting until the next time the situation appears is more appropriate.

There is no right or wrong within a family unit. There is only the boundaries that each family has. There are some families that are adamantly opposed to co-sleeping and others that will swear by it. Neither is correct or wrong. Just do what is comfortable with you and your husband and it can remain within the confines of your own family.
In my defense my DH does not take the initative in speaking to our son about sex. I guess in the moment I wanted DH to see first hand how he should really should be doing more. We (DH and I) talked again last night and I told him he should be discussing bodily functions with DS. After all how much could I talk to him about erections, masturbation and male hormones. :
jdedmom is offline  
#34 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 09:04 AM - Thread Starter
 
jdedmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 812
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by the_lissa View Post
I definitely think she should explain what is appropriate. An 11 year old girl should not have to see it at school because he didn't know that it isn't appropriate. It could be very traumatizing for someone, and he could get in trouble also.

To the OP- I don't think it is too open for your neighbour to teach his son about not getting girls pregnant, etc. Your son is 11, and should have a good understanding of puberty, sex, pregnancy and sti prevention, healthy body image, etc.
Lisa,

I totally agree that 11 year old boys should know about all the above. My neighbor is not open about those topics. She is very close-minded, judgemental and opinionated. She does not want her son to be anywhere near the girls because she doesn't trust them not to trap her son.:

I want my son to respect girls and want him to have HEALTHY relationships with both sexes.
jdedmom is offline  
#35 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 10:46 AM
 
Marsupialmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: St. Louis MO
Posts: 9,495
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When we say somethings not right we are not trying to hurt your feelings. We are being truthful and that at times can hurt. I brought up my cousin situation because there were so many warning signs of something being wrong (for him parenting played a large part).

When he was five he made a developmentally appropriate mistake on understanding sexuality. I had a girl friend over that my brother liked. She was going to stay the night. He asked if she was going to sleep with my brother. Honestly I think he was thinking more literal. But instead of sitting him down and giving him more knowledge they denied he ever said it. Told my friend she must have misheard him (in other words she was lying). That was the first of several behaviors that put up my alarms and later my moms. There were a series of that's not quite right behaviors. Many were "innocent" mistakes. Others were IMO red flags, especially now that I have a 12 year old boy myself. My aunt and uncle were sexually open but not in a positive way. They didn't want to acknowledge something wasn't right. All these little things early on that should have lead him to getting help.

Your child might be perfectly fine but at the same time he might not. Keep that in the back of your head. One incident doesn't make something wrong with him but at the same time it is something you want to take in consideration when you look at the big picture.

Also, I think you shouldn't rely on your husband to talk about sex/sexuality with your son. Your husband is not comfortable with it and that is going to lead to ignorance and your son feeling uncomfortable about it. If you want your son to be comfortable with you about his sexuality you need to do the talking also, not assume your husband should,would, or did.
Marsupialmom is offline  
#36 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 11:51 AM - Thread Starter
 
jdedmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: PA
Posts: 812
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
When we say somethings not right we are not trying to hurt your feelings. We are being truthful and that at times can hurt. I brought up my cousin situation because there were so many warning signs of something being wrong (for him parenting played a large part).

When he was five he made a developmentally appropriate mistake on understanding sexuality. I had a girl friend over that my brother liked. She was going to stay the night. He asked if she was going to sleep with my brother. Honestly I think he was thinking more literal. But instead of sitting him down and giving him more knowledge they denied he ever said it. Told my friend she must have misheard him (in other words she was lying). That was the first of several behaviors that put up my alarms and later my moms. There were a series of that's not quite right behaviors. Many were "innocent" mistakes. Others were IMO red flags, especially now that I have a 12 year old boy myself. My aunt and uncle were sexually open but not in a positive way. They didn't want to acknowledge something wasn't right. All these little things early on that should have lead him to getting help.

Your child might be perfectly fine but at the same time he might not. Keep that in the back of your head. One incident doesn't make something wrong with him but at the same time it is something you want to take in consideration when you look at the big picture.

Also, I think you shouldn't rely on your husband to talk about sex/sexuality with your son. Your husband is not comfortable with it and that is going to lead to ignorance and your son feeling uncomfortable about it. If you want your son to be comfortable with you about his sexuality you need to do the talking also, not assume your husband should,would, or did.
I absolutely agree with you. I may have been more concerned if there are other indicators or signs but there have been none. I really just wanted to make sure I address this with him. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Stacy
jdedmom is offline  
#37 of 57 Old 06-13-2007, 11:53 AM
 
Houdini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Searching for Jason Bourne
Posts: 4,022
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsupialmom View Post
Also, I think you shouldn't rely on your husband to talk about sex/sexuality with your son. Your husband is not comfortable with it and that is going to lead to ignorance and your son feeling uncomfortable about it. If you want your son to be comfortable with you about his sexuality you need to do the talking also, not assume your husband should,would, or did.
I completely agree with this. My husband isn't as open with our kids about sex/sexuality as I am, so I make sure that I bring up topics as well.

Rebecca wife of Megan...moms to six crazy kiddos! Seth (15), Madison (13), Zachary (12), Trevor (12), Alex (10), and Nicholas (9)
Houdini is offline  
#38 of 57 Old 06-14-2007, 06:36 PM
 
Linda on the move's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: basking in the sunshine
Posts: 10,697
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 76 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdedmom View Post
He is a boy that still is very innocent, secure, trusting and very, very loving. That is really the issue. Where do I step in and take away some of that innocence by explaining what is appropriate, and when, where and why.
I have girls so the issues are different, but what about focusing on what is private in our culture?

I think that part of the problem with not stepping in and "taking away some of that innocence" if that if we aren't open and honest with our children, then they will get the same information from another source in a less kind way. In this case, that information that erections are private and not to be pointed out.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

Linda on the move is online now  
#39 of 57 Old 06-14-2007, 10:58 PM
 
AbbieB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When I read this post I was imaging my 11 year old cousin and his mom in this situation. He is the type of kid to fart on her to shock her and make her laugh.

Maybe the boy was just pointing out his erection because he thought it was funny and he knew it would shock mom. Especially if he is an immature 11.

IMO the days of this kind of thing being funny are limited. Especially if mom lets him know it's a little to sexual/inappropriate for her comfort.

One happy momma joy.gif to a very spirited little girl dust.gif, her tough little brother superhero.gif, and a happy little suprise late April 2012 stork-suprise.gif. Wife to an overworked and under paid husband geek.gif.

AbbieB is offline  
#40 of 57 Old 06-18-2007, 01:27 PM
 
shantimama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 10,976
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
I am not sure that I would jump to conclusions about this being abnormal behaviour. Children who have strong, open relationships with their parents are likely to inofrm them of changes in their bodies - dad I think I am ready for deoderant; mom, I think I need a bra; I found a hair growing - I am really growing up! - stuff like that. A one-time event with a helpful response doesn't concern me.

This boy showed his mother what was happening to him at home - not in the store, not with other people around, he didn't pull down his pants to show her everything. He was probably surprised too. I think it is a perfect opportunity to gently give him the information he needs to have about why erections happen and how to handle himself - including keeping it private and some tips on how to cope when it happens at socially uncomfortable times. If he continually wants to share these moments with others, that is cause for concern, but one time, not so much in my opinion if there are no other problems.

My ds is almost 11 and is fascinated by the changes he knows his body will be going through over the next few years. dh and I talk to him when he wants to - what will happen, how to cope, how much we love him, reinforcing our respect for his privacy and our desire that he will be respectful of others too.

I thik it can be a great opportunity to talk about puberty for boys and girls. When we talked about erections and what to do when they happen, we also talked about what happens to girls and how they feel about it. So my kids (boys and girls) "get it" why the older boys in their school always wear baggy untucked shirts and my ds also had a little sensitivity training on how self-conscious some girls can feel when their breasts start to develop or worrying about their period starting and staining their clothes while they are at school.

I have always been very open and honest wth my chidlren and it hasn't removed any of their innocence. I some ways I think it has protected it becasue they feel safe and unashamed and unafraid to talk about sexuality at home. The conversations always happen in a private space. They know their own goodness and that the changes they go through are not shameful, but very private and important in their lives.
shantimama is online now  
#41 of 57 Old 06-19-2007, 02:32 PM
 
Ruthla's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 47,607
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 4 Post(s)
He's 11 and this is his first erection? DS has been getting them since infancy.

I teach all of my kids that our bodies are special, but that certain parts are private. Not shameful, just private- these parts are simply too special to go around showing everybody. They're for yourself and for your spouse/partner someday.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19 (in Israel for another school year), Hannah, 18 (commuting to college), and Jack, 12(homeschooled)
Ruthla is offline  
#42 of 57 Old 06-22-2007, 10:05 PM
 
mommy68's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 6,623
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by txgal View Post
At 11, it seems that he should have some awareness of social norms, and like it or not walking around and showing off your erection is not a social norm.
I agree. We have had talks with our son about what is appropriate and what is not for years now. He wouldn't have done this age age 11. I would have been extremely taken aback if he would have. But maybe my son is just more mature for his age, I dunno.

__________________________________
46-year-old single (divorced), self-employed working, home schooling, part-time college student mommy to:

19 yr old
12 yr old
4 yr old
mommy68 is offline  
#43 of 57 Old 06-28-2007, 12:38 PM
 
LotusBirthMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: The Land of Porky Goodness
Posts: 1,902
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
my son is ten and i could totally see him doing the same thing. he's immature (socially) for his age. i think it has to do w/ homeschooling him the last year. when his schooled buddies come over they seem so much more "manly" to me. OP, i think you handled it very well! I hope I can do as good a job.
homeschoolingmama likes this.
LotusBirthMama is offline  
#44 of 57 Old 03-18-2014, 02:57 AM
 
NatureEdenMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: TAHITI
Posts: 43
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdedmom View Post

Last night we pulled into our driveway after DS(11) baseball game. He gets out of the car and says look mom. I look to see him pointing to his obvious erection. He was smiling....proud I think I laughed and told him to show his dad. Dad laughed. I told my son (not shaming) that he should not point that out to girls or boys either. He asked why I laughed then. I said it was because I was surprised.

Surprised is an understatement. I was caught in a parenting moment that I was really unsure how to handle. I told DH that he should discuss this with DS. DS is not modest about his body but he is at the age where some things need to be private and we are gently trying to teach him this. I worry though that he is this relaxed and unihibited when we are not around. How do I teach him appropriateness without shaming?

HI MOM I  am a  single mom of 6 boys and a health professional.(,teaching yoga ,sports,organic garden,herbs,vegan nutrition,,meditation. and lactation consultant. )

..We live on private property in the tropics with home-school,yoga sports,plays ,music. My oldest are 11 tr. old twin boys, ( nearly 12.)... and as it is warm here all year round,there is no possible need for clothing.It is difficult for me to understand why the up-roar over a totally NATURAL occurance.A boy need not be  deemed as 'strange',or off balance,,by anyone, just because he has an erection............(..that can be caused by the wind ,or for no reason at all.)

 Here ,you see such every day.,playing,climbing to tree-houses,etc. ,

....It is Like some moms have said, "it is best not to shame him ,or make him feel guilty"  ( for something that is NOT  "bad" at all....................)

~~~Now ,of course ,in the context of society ,one does have to teach  their children to keep one's body private from the public. In our case here ,our  friends who visit ,live the same way we do .....,so it's  a very different world here......as opposed to living in the general society.Just give him the love,affection ,attention and the understanding that all children need.

homeschoolingmama likes this.
NatureEdenMom is offline  
#45 of 57 Old 03-18-2014, 07:11 AM
 
jmarroq's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)

I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.

 

My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading".  As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it. 

 

My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with. 

jmarroq is offline  
#46 of 57 Old 03-19-2014, 01:48 PM
 
salr's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 255
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
He sounds like a sweet, funny, open kid. If you feel the need to talk more about it maybe you could say Hey remember yesterday when that happened? If it happens in public here are some ways you can handle it (I don't know- keep sitting, put something in front of it, hold it down through your pocket).
salr is online now  
#47 of 57 Old 06-18-2014, 03:01 AM
 
NatureEdenMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: TAHITI
Posts: 43
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 3 Post(s)
quote=jmarroq;17591832]I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.

My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.

My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with. [/quote].
~~~.I AGREE WITH SAIR. this is also for ( jdedmom as well }.well ,I am a mom of several boys to nearly 12.....now,in many societies out-side Europe, kids are raised to feel that their body is shameful,nasty and horrid
.Now,in the privacy of our own home,my kids are not forced to wear clothing.....they tell me that they are not comfortable clothed, Many children who get the notion that certain body parts are unacceptable,even in the home,become with an O.C.D. and feel the compulsion to show these parts.....and at puberty,masturbate very excessively.So try and set up a new and freer environment and paradigm...and tell them that there is nothing wrong ,or bad,about the human body. including erections which all boys have and are natural..but one cannot show certain parts in public.Try letting them go nude in the home when there are no visitors...I think that you may find him unburdened of acute anxiety.shame, and guilt,

Last edited by NatureEdenMom; 06-18-2014 at 03:21 AM.
NatureEdenMom is offline  
#48 of 57 Old 06-18-2014, 05:10 AM
 
jmarroq's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NatureEdenMom View Post
quote=jmarroq;17591832]I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.

My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.

My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with.
.
~~~.I AGREE WITH SAIR. this is also for ( jdedmom as well }.well ,I am a mom of several boys to nearly 12.....now,in many societies out-side Europe, kids are raised to feel that their body is shameful,nasty and horrid
.Now,in the privacy of our own home,my kids are not forced to wear clothing.....they tell me that they are not comfortable clothed, Many children who get the notion that certain body parts are unacceptable,even in the home,become with an O.C.D. and feel the compulsion to show these parts.....and at puberty,masturbate very excessively.So try and set up a new and freer environment and paradigm...and tell them that there is nothing wrong ,or bad,about the human body. including erections which all boys have and are natural..but one cannot show certain parts in public.Try letting them go nude in the home when there are no visitors...I think that you may find him unburdened of acute anxiety.shame, and guilt,[/QUOTE]

I should elaborate that a lot of kids come and go from our home, as well as people who work at our home. I have had more than one incident with 2 different neighborhood kids acting out in sexual ways toward my daughter when they were clothed and I think if my kids were nude when they came over, it would only make things worse. I see where you are coming from, as my mom is from Europe, but with our past experience with the local kids, and the huge number of child sex abusers out there (our pool guy is really nice, but I don't want him seeing my kids naked, just in case..he actually has by accident) I just want them to get used to having clothing on. When they were younger, I was more laid back about it, but my son is going into 6th grade now.

The OP talks about her son randomly showing her an erection...I thought my incident was similar when my son jokingly exposed himself, and I could relate to her feelings. I never told my son that his body is bad or it is bad to be naked, and I don't believe OP did either. I just want my kids to understand that they shouldn't randomly expose themselves to people as a joke.
jmarroq is offline  
#49 of 57 Old 06-18-2014, 05:24 AM
 
jmarroq's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 303
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 7 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by NatureEdenMom View Post
quote=jmarroq;17591832]I am curious about what kind of red flag we are talking about here, only because I am in the same situation. From my point of view, I have to agree that it is an innocence thing. I had a hard time grasping the concept of sex, until I read a few lines of an adult book I found at my house. Then a friend showed me "Playboy Chanel" and it all made sense. Before that, I thought I could get pregnant as a child, by sitting on someone's lap! My son is a lot like me...he has a hard time grasping certain concepts, and he also had developmental delays.

My son is also 11 and I am pretty certain he has never read or seen anything remotely erotic. My husband had a "talk" with him about the birds and bees and they sent home a health ed thing that we read, mostly together. The last part was a bit detailed and I asked if he would rather read it himself, (thinking it might be embarrassing for him) and he said "no, that's fine, keep reading". As I was reading he stopped me and said "yeah, I think I'll read the rest myself". I was right there, so I know he read it.

My son doesn't have many friends outside of school, and he doesn't have an older brother, or any male cousins his age who live nearby, so I feel he is a bit innocent in this area. One night, his sister and I were having a family game night. It was a fun game and everyone was getting wild toward the end, as usual. He decided to let part of his privates hang out of his shorts to see if anyone would notice...kind of like a silly joke...trying to gross us out or something. Not that we ever say privates are gross or something to be embarrassed about, but kids learn that from friends, TV, etc. I was surprised that he would still think this was OK in front of his mother and sister....two female relatives. I just basically said "I don't need to see that. I don't think that is funny at all. Don't do that", making sure not to laugh, fearing it would encourage him to do it again (he likes to be a clown). I obviously need to talk to him and explain that he shouldn't expose himself to people, even people he feels comfortable joking around with.
.
~~~.I AGREE WITH SAIR. this is also for ( jdedmom as well }.well ,I am a mom of several boys to nearly 12.....now,in many societies out-side Europe, kids are raised to feel that their body is shameful,nasty and horrid
.Now,in the privacy of our own home,my kids are not forced to wear clothing.....they tell me that they are not comfortable clothed, Many children who get the notion that certain body parts are unacceptable,even in the home,become with an O.C.D. and feel the compulsion to show these parts.....and at puberty,masturbate very excessively.So try and set up a new and freer environment and paradigm...and tell them that there is nothing wrong ,or bad,about the human body. including erections which all boys have and are natural..but one cannot show certain parts in public.Try letting them go nude in the home when there are no visitors...I think that you may find him unburdened of acute anxiety.shame, and guilt,[/QUOTE]

Can you give a link to the study about the OCD caused by parents asking kids to wear clothes, even at home? And the study about excessive masterbating caused by parents who chose to wear clothes at home?
jmarroq is offline  
#50 of 57 Old 06-18-2014, 01:11 PM
 
sillysapling's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 742
Mentioned: 4 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 42 Post(s)
Honestly, I don't think that it does happen when parents use healthy behavior. Parents who instill a deep sense of shame very likely do cause such problems, but they could cause those problems by forcing a child to go naked just as well. Just wearing clothes in the house while teaching your child (and modeling) healthy body image isn't likely to. There are a few religions that teach people to cover up most of their bodies, and I've spoken to and read the experiences of teenagers and adults from those religions and while some rebel against it, most of the ones I've talked to respect it and have a very healthy body image- they just find their body to be deeply personal and only to be shared with those they truly deem worthy. No judgement on either side of the spectrum, I'm just pointing out that you can teach great modesty in a healthy way just as much as allowing children to go around the house naked can be done healthily.

Most kids naturally reach a point where they don't want to be naked around their parents and don't want to see their parents naked, even if their parents never encourage it. There are some families that are nudists, and that can work very well for them. For kids who naturally do continue to want to be naked, I would allow them in appropriate places, but "only in your room" isn't an unreasonable boundary if having your teen walk around naked just isn't okay with you. I wouldn't go naked, though, because that's my boundary- but I see no problem going topless in my own home, especially in the heat of the summer and I refuse to teach any daughter I have that her body is somehow more shameful than mine just because she has breasts. Its important to teach kids to respect their own boundaries, going naked when you aren't comfortable doing so sends a bad message. There are some places that you should push your boundaries (if you aren't comfortable talking about sex with your kid at all, you need to push that boundary), but I don't think going naked when it makes you uncomfortable is one of them.
KimPossible129 likes this.

sillysapling is online now  
#51 of 57 Old 06-18-2014, 03:55 PM
 
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: with the wildlife
Posts: 18,218
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jdedmom View Post
Oh my....this came out soo wrong. I do talk to my son about sex, puberty, girls; all that good stuff. He has had a sex ed class this year and also has a couple books on puberty. I am not uncomfortable about discussing the subject but I think a line should be drawn between a mom and son. I explained normal body functions happen but I'm trying to tell him gently that I don't "need" to know when he has an erection, is masterbating, having wet dreams etc. You know "the details".
If I drew this line, my ds would still know pretty much nothing at all about sex and sexuality. I was listening to my dh give him the "talk" from the other room. I had to cover my mouth because I was afraid I was going to burst out laughing. I believe the first line was, "Well, sex is, umm, sex is for, ummm, making people." It only got less informative after that. LOL

I had a long talk with him the next day and I got him a book so that he could read and have a lof his questions answered if he wasn't sure he wanted to talk to me or his dad. I can't at the moment remember the name of it, but I know it was suggested by someone here. He does come to me with questions and I'd like to actually encourage that relationship, not draw lines around it.
sillysapling likes this.

 
QueenOfTheMeadow is offline  
#52 of 57 Old 06-19-2014, 03:01 PM
 
KimPossible129's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: NY
Posts: 34
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 11 Post(s)
I am a mother to one teen-aged girl, so from that perspective I cannot speak to boys. I am also a pediatric nurse with a graduate degree, and have quite an interest in adolescents and body image.

A boy of 11 is not the same as a girl of 11. Boys of that age are often immature- physically, emotionally and developmentally. Even some 11 year old girls are at that age, but by and large, girls mature faster in all aspects. However, the whole erection phenomena is happening WAY before most boys can emotionally handle it.

As with any behavior that parents deem inappropriate, the more attention you draw to it, the more the child will do it. Like when a toddler curses and everyone laughs (we all know the child will continue to do it to elicit the response). (Keeping in mind this thread is 7 years old and the child in question is 18 by now) I don't think we need to call in a psych consult or child services at the first mention of the erection.

Speaking to the OPs concern about setting personal physical boundaries, I am in agreement with her. My 14-year old has been very private about her body for at least 3 years now, even in front of me (like if we are in a fitting room and she is changing in front of me). She was not always like this though- I had to teach her about what was "private". Once I made that clear, she "grew up" in that way.

I also believe there needs to be limits set between opposite genders- both ways. There seems to be a double standard on this, that some moms feel they don't have to set limits for their sons, but if a young girl parades around indecent in front of their father, it is wrong. The same thing goes for public restrooms (I'm sorry but a 10-year-old boy does not belong with me in the ladies room). In an ideal world (which I know doesn't exist), areas concerning toileting, body parts, hormones and birth control should be addressed by an adult of the same gender (I repeat- I know it's not always possible). As the child grows older, there should be an innate sense of discomfort in showing or discussing these issues with a parent of the opposite gender.

To the person who spoke about being freely naked- that just doesn't work in the US. Not socially acceptable.
KimPossible129 is offline  
#53 of 57 Old 06-19-2014, 04:21 PM
 
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: with the wildlife
Posts: 18,218
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
I believe in letting the child take the lead on what they are comfortable. I would never want one of my son's to feel like the couldn't talk to me about something because I'm a woman.

I actually think putting up artificial barriers like that is much more about the parents being uncomfortable with sexuality, which often leads to their children being equally uncomfortable with it. I also believe setting up these barriers are part of the reason that there are so many gender stereotypes and one of the reasons men and women often don't "get" the opposite sex.
sillysapling likes this.

 
QueenOfTheMeadow is offline  
#54 of 57 Old 06-19-2014, 05:20 PM
 
Viola P's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 857
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 26 Post(s)
Where I am 12 is the age for criminal responsibility. Just something else to keep in mind...there's a practical aspect to this as well. Like what if in a few months he showed it to a younger child who told the mother who....not to be too alarming but there are pitential serious consequences.
Viola P is offline  
#55 of 57 Old 06-20-2014, 06:10 AM
 
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: with the wildlife
Posts: 18,218
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola P View Post
Where I am 12 is the age for criminal responsibility. Just something else to keep in mind...there's a practical aspect to this as well. Like what if in a few months he showed it to a younger child who told the mother who....not to be too alarming but there are pitential serious consequences.
This is really good to keep in mind!

 
QueenOfTheMeadow is offline  
#56 of 57 Old 06-20-2014, 06:24 AM
 
QueenOfTheMeadow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: with the wildlife
Posts: 18,218
Mentioned: 1 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 12 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Viola P View Post
Where I am 12 is the age for criminal responsibility. Just something else to keep in mind...there's a practical aspect to this as well. Like what if in a few months he showed it to a younger child who told the mother who....not to be too alarming but there are pitential serious consequences.
This is really good to keep in mind!

 
QueenOfTheMeadow is offline  
#57 of 57 Old 06-29-2014, 09:54 AM
 
velcromom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: N. Ca Sierra Nevada
Posts: 5,022
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know this is an old OP but I am sort of befuddled by the uproar lol. I have an 11yr old son who has a streak of prankster in him and it would not surprise me in the least for him to joke about something like this or say "hey look at that lol ahahaha" while at home with family. I know he doesn't do that kind of thing inappropriately for example at school or friend's houses, so it would be just meant as a goofy little prank to play in a situation he knows nobody will freak out. Why would we, he frequently hears conversation about sexual parts, behavior, hygiene etc. as part of casual conversation. I wouldn't give it a second thought other than a roll of the eyes and a chuckle. Like a pp said, the more attention you give a behavior the more they'll do it!
velcromom is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off