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Would you find this disrespectful?

2K views 15 replies 13 participants last post by  mommy68 
#1 ·
My friend was out of town for the weekend. She comes home to find two unopened condom wrappers by her bed and an empty one as well. It turns out her 16 year old daughter invited her ex-boyfriend over for some fun while mom was out of town. They decided to have sex in her mother's bed.

My friend is very unhappy. She gave her kudos for using protection, but is livid that her daughter and the boyfriend disrespected her by having sex in her bed. Her daughter doesn't see the big deal. Her daughter was suppose to be with her dad for the weekend and apparently went off without telling him. Dad didn't know where she was for some time.

Just wondering what you all thought.
 
#2 ·
The fact that they left evidence seems to say she wanted mom to know she did it, which I find odd.

I think it's extremely disrespectful, and I have no idea what I would do in that situation. It just seems like she was looking for some reaction.
 
#3 ·
I think you may be on to something with wanting to be caught. Not sure though. It is pretty hectic at their house right b/c my friend is finishing her doctorate and teaching several classes at the same time. Maybe, it is a bid for attention.
 
#4 ·
Hi there-I'm just lurking and don't have teenagers yet, but I thought I'd offer my 2 cents... I have lots of friends with them-LOL!

It sounds like a good thing that there is an open, communicative relationship between mom and daughter there. I NEVER would have talked to my mom about sex! I still don't!

But a couple things that would bother me:
-Lying to Dad about where she was
-The act of having sex on mom's bed, it's very disrespectful.

As far as the lying goes, as parents we need to know where our kids are, what they're doing, who they're with, for their safety and our sanity. Again, it sounds like there's a pretty good foundation there, but maybe I would just review how important it is to let mom and dad know where you are going, etc. Any kind of lying is a breach of trust, and that can cause problems on so many levels. To me, lying would result in some kind of loss of priviledge. That's just me.

And the sex on the bed? I'd be furious. That, to me, says that she doesn't have any regard for mom's things, and maybe for mom on some level?? I'd suggest that mom makes sure that even though there is a great relationship there, that there are some boundaries in place. There has to be mutual respect-but she is still the mother and is looking out for her wellfare. It's such a hard balance to strike-but this young lady needs to know who the parent is and that her mom's things are off limits without permission.

Sorry for butting in-just thought I'd offer my ideas. I know it's never as easy as it sounds. My almost-5-year old tests me every day.

Good luck!
 
#5 ·
i see it as a cry for attention, help .. a reaching out of some sort.

Let's face it -- she could have had as much sex with the guy as she wanted....anywhere .... with out mom knowing.

Like if they did it in mom's bed, not her's cuz it is bigger or whatever....she didn't have to leave the wrappers .....

so the wrappers, and the sex in mom's bed.... is a message.

It is disreceptful, as is, to a lesser extent, lieing to dad.

This teen needs something -- she wants to be caught ...

even if it was meant as a F-You, see i do what i want .... well still she could have hidden it, WITH EASE and did not ... so she is trying to lash out or reach out for a reason.....

IMPO -- mom and dad need to have a sit down even though they are not together. lieing is not ok, sex on mom's bed is not ok, and playing the two of us just cuz we are not married is not ok, and we need to re-assess the level of trust and freedom you have been gifted with........I feel like the teen needs some kinda of attention.

A
 
#6 ·
Eww. What's up with having sex in your mom's bed? Apparently my mom and dad did this in HER mom's bed, and I had friends as a teen who did it too, but the whole idea just squicks me out on so many levels.

Yeah, it's disrespectful. If my kid did that I'd make her wash the bed linens. I'd put a good strong lock on my bedroom door, too.

Is there any chance it could be a revenge/payback thing? Maybe some area where the daughter feels her things/space/autonomy are not respected? Just a shot in the dark...
 
#7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by darkpear View Post
Eww. What's up with having sex in your mom's bed? Apparently my mom and dad did this in HER mom's bed, and I had friends as a teen who did it too, but the whole idea just squicks me out on so many levels.

Yeah, it's disrespectful. If my kid did that I'd make her wash the bed linens. I'd put a good strong lock on my bedroom door, too.

Is there any chance it could be a revenge/payback thing? Maybe some area where the daughter feels her things/space/autonomy are not respected? Just a shot in the dark...

You may be on to something here..... I had a boyfriend who was crazy in wanting to have sex in his parents bed. Like, almost obsessed! And he had a double bed, so it wasnt a space issue. I agreed to it once, (shudder) and for someone who was always cleaning up after himself, I had to remind him to grab the wrapper. This guy HATED his dad. So, it may be a payback thing.....

To op, yeah, I would find it disrespectful. Very.
 
#8 ·
Another friend of ours talked with the daughter and she is very upset that her mom is so busy. This is a bid for attention/get back at you thing.

The daughter feels her mom isn't home enough. Last weekend her mom went to a shopping center an hour away with relatives and missed a game her daughter was in. Then this weekend, mom was out of town visiting friends. The daughter is upset her mom has only made it to one of her games this year. Apparently the daughter is fine if her mom misses stuff due to classes, but is feeling very put off by her mom missing her games due to just getting out of the house kind of stuff.
 
#10 ·
Well i find the lying part very disrespectful but I guess I can understand the sex part if that was the only bigger bed in the house. I'd be mad about having sex in my bed because it's my bed but I don't think i'd put it in the disrespectful category. Thank god my two teenage daughters have queen size beds lol. Just my thoughts. Barb
 
#11 ·
Yeah, it's disrespectful, but I can understand her line of thinking. It's pretty disrespectful to miss your kid's athletic events (when it's obvious they want you there) so you can go out on the town with pals. It doesn't justify her actions, but it makes them understandable. She's already missing out on mom-time because of classes, but she's mature enough to accept that. Losing what little mom-time is left over to friends and afternoons on the town has got to be painful for a person her age. I'm sure she feels blown off by her mom, and that's a terrible feeling.
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Neoma View Post
Yeah, it's disrespectful, but I can understand her line of thinking. It's pretty disrespectful to miss your kid's athletic events (when it's obvious they want you there) so you can go out on the town with pals. It doesn't justify her actions, but it makes them understandable. She's already missing out on mom-time because of classes, but she's mature enough to accept that. Losing what little mom-time is left over to friends and afternoons on the town has got to be painful for a person her age. I'm sure she feels blown off by her mom, and that's a terrible feeling.
:

I don't at all agree with how the daughter dealt with her feelings and do find it very disrespectful. However, I understand that what she did came from hurt feelings....it just would have been better if she had dealt with it in a different way.
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Neoma View Post
Yeah, it's disrespectful, but I can understand her line of thinking. It's pretty disrespectful to miss your kid's athletic events (when it's obvious they want you there) so you can go out on the town with pals. It doesn't justify her actions, but it makes them understandable. She's already missing out on mom-time because of classes, but she's mature enough to accept that. Losing what little mom-time is left over to friends and afternoons on the town has got to be painful for a person her age. I'm sure she feels blown off by her mom, and that's a terrible feeling.
Thing is though, revenge is never justified to anyone but the person exacting it.

It is a very disrespectful thing to do but it was done intentionally and in her daughters eyes it was done probably as a way to get back at mom from the looks of it.

If I was her parent I would probably be furious, but the thing is I would also be mad at myself. I made my daughter want to get back at me? What am I doing wrong?

Sorry, there may be no excuse, but there definately is a reason. And there is never an excuse for revenge any ways. It is always done with intent and if you try to come up with excuses as to why someone does it then you would be deluding yourself into thinking the person didn't intend to do it.

(All the you's are general yous, not at Neoma)
 
#14 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Yoshua View Post
Sorry, there may be no excuse, but there definately is a reason. And there is never an excuse for revenge any ways. It is always done with intent and if you try to come up with excuses as to why someone does it then you would be deluding yourself into thinking the person didn't intend to do it.

(All the you's are general yous, not at Neoma)

Guess I'm a tad confused as to why you're quoting my post. There's no excuse for it, but there was a reason. A reason does not imply that the act of disrespect is acceptable. I was just pointing out that both mother and daughter are guilty of disrespecting each other, in different ways.

Truthfully, I feel the act of having sex in her mother's bed is far less concerning than the mother not showing up to her daughter's sporting events when it's plain that it's an important part of her life she wants her mother to be a part of. It's possible to reschedule days out on the town, but her daughter can't schedule in her games at her mother's convenience. She really needs to tell her mother (with words, not inappropriate actions) how important it is to her, to have her be a part of that aspect of her life.
 
#15 ·
I can see both sides of this. I can picture being an older teenager and having sex in every room of the house, just because we can. I can also see being an adult and finding the mere THOUGHT of somebody else having sex on MY BED!!! absolutely repulsive. The young woman might have chosen her mother's bed to "get back at mom" or it might have been a completely thoughtless decision. Or maybe a subconscious one- consciously she might have just been "not thinking."

I think mom needs to sit down with DD and talk about stuff. Let the young woman know that it's NOT ok to have sex on somebody else's bed without their permission. And the lying would bother me more than anything else, if it was my child. IMO, that's a safety issue and NEEDS to be addressed.

If the young woman is mad at her mother, she needs to talk to her mom about it directly, with words, and not through "acting out." The mother needs to learn that respect has to be earned, not demanded. Actually, both of them do.
 
#16 ·
I would find it disprespectful as well. I would also be glad they used protection AND that she did it in the safety and comfort of our home.
 
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