Are there any other parents here with gay or bisexual teens? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 11 Old 06-29-2003, 03:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My 15 yo step daughter recently came out to us, she is bi. Both my DH and I are fine with it. She lives with her mother most of the time but spends a good deal of time here in the summer months. She is boy and girl crazy, lol. I would like to correspond to other parents with any prior experiences.
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#2 of 11 Old 07-01-2003, 04:00 PM
 
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I cannot relate to what your step daughter is feeling. My 14 yol dd is BOY crazy!!

I find it hard to grasp a 15yo even knowing that she is bi-sexual...unless she has experimented with it. Do you know if she is sexually active? Not that it really matters, that would make it a little easier to understand how she came to this conclusion about herself.

But the more I think about it...its really just a matter of what she feels inside, rather than experimentation. You guys sound like great parents for aceepting her no matter what. You Rock.
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#3 of 11 Old 07-02-2003, 02:35 AM
 
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<<I find it hard to grasp a 15yo even knowing that she is bi-sexual...>>

many people say they've known they were gay or bi since they were children, long before sexual experience or even a clear understanding of physical sex.

you are way groovy for accepting her. It's nice more teens are coming out; something must be improving somewhere!
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#4 of 11 Old 07-02-2003, 11:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think in her case it is more heredity. Her mother is Bi and her grandmother is lesbian. Yes she has been sexually active with boys and girls. Sex is a very touchy subject, I think she is too young to be in a sexual relationship with anyone, she doesn't. Her mom has no idea of her daughters sexual exploits. I am glad however that she confides in me. A little background here...my DH and I recently found his daughters from his first marriage. He had been out of their lives since they were babies. Long story. Last week she went to band practice with my DH. There was another teen there, a girl. My SDD came home with hickies on her neck...from the other girl. We teased her a little about it, then explained to her that we thought she was too young to understand all the consequences of sex (STD's etc) DH and I learned very quickly we have to keep a close eye on her. My older DD is 17, she is no where near as experienced as my DH's daughter. I have no problem with her sexual preference, but I think she is a tad bit too experienced for her age. To be honest, it scares the hell out of me. She can't even be responsible for her guinea pig, much less STD's, pregnancy etc. She is back at her mom's for 3 weeks, then she will be here for the remainder of the summer. Wish me luck with my boy/girl crazy teen. LOL.

Robin
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#5 of 11 Old 07-02-2003, 04:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Midnight Mom
I find it hard to grasp a 15yo even knowing that she is bi-sexual...unless she has experimented with it.
I knew earlier than 15 that I was bi-sexual... hadn't acted on that aspect of my sexuality that early (I was active with boys and cringe now, I WAS too young), but it was pretty clear because of what my ahum, fantasies would include... it was odd, because I wouldn't have *admitted* I was bi-sexual then, because for some reason I didn't think people ever had relations same sex wise (I learned everything about sex when I was young from my dad's mags/videos/books. Guess he wasn't interested in female-female or male-male activities )... but I did know I found other girls attractive and recognized that I was lusting after a best girlfriend...

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#6 of 11 Old 07-02-2003, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Diggin' your website Lisa!
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#7 of 11 Old 07-02-2003, 07:29 PM
 
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Aw thanks! Love all the pics of your kiddos on your site! They're all beautiful!

Lisa, mama to Orion (7) , Fiona Star (born sleeping @ 38wks 12/6/08) , our bitty (m/c 7/27/09) , and Charlotte Athena (11/5/10)
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#8 of 11 Old 07-03-2003, 12:40 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Lisa I LOVE the wings you used in your wedding. That has to be the coolest wedding accessory ever. My DD loves it too. Your hair is beautiful too. You GO girl.
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#9 of 11 Old 07-27-2003, 11:19 AM
 
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I am not a mom of a bisexual child, nor am I bi, but I AM the kind of person that other people's kids just seem for some reason, to find trustworthy, grounded and comfortable....I used to work at the local school (K-12 all in one building). I have seen things and heard things and watched things unfold. Mostly I just love kids, because I remember how tough it can be without added complexity.

At one point I subbed for the senior high library aide longterm, and so got to know all the kids.

One young'un kind of stood out to me. The other guys all kind of avoided him though I could also see that he was not actively ostracized- and was probably related to some of these other boys, since it is a very small rural town. He dated and hung out with some girls, was very social, kind and good humored and was also involved in an out-of-school youth group: a pagan philosophy group, that my dh and I facilitated. That group was a good place for him...all the participating kids treated him well, (and they still keep in touch, from time to time with us). These were a mix of throwaway kids, independent but parented kids, and also kids in intact families.

J., this young guy, was living with grandparents nearby to us at the time.

I met J. in his junior year in HS. Late in his senior year, after his own cousin traumatized him by stealing his diary and xeroxing pages to pass around at school revealing his (understanding of himself at that time) feelings of at least bi-ness, he came out to me, and me alone. I held him and I cried- because I felt so honored to be entrusted with such a heavy thing; and also because I was SO angry at his cousin and the way his family kind of ignored the whole thing. They just didn't care and didn't support him.

I was happy for him, when he went away to college, where I felt sure he would find more inclusive and supportive community. He went through a year in college and dropped out, came home and came out all the way...realized he was not JUST bi, but was truly gay. I continued to work with him from time to time when he needed me, and he continued to come by and talk with me fairly regularly for a couple years.

Then he met a guy with whom he fell in love and after a few years of working out their relationship, they asked DH and I to marry them, as pagan clergy. Well, of course, in this state same sex unions are not legal, so we just facilitated a pagan ceremony to join their lives- a handfasting. A few of both guys' family members were present, and it was a sacred and sweet experience for me especially but also for my dh.

I cherish that experience and more- I cherish the love and trust that my DH and I built with this guy...and now with him and his beloved. It will VERY soon be their one year anniversary. I love them both and I could not ever have been prouder of my young friend if he was my own child. He is dear to all my family, including my kids.

I feel sad for what he went through: his cousin making his diary, and therefore all his most sacred thoughts and feelings, public. That so sucked. My boys heard LOTS of PURE crap about him and yet, they knew him and ignored it- of course. He was portrayed to them by others as some wild and viciously out of control homosexual monster- revealing oh so much about those who spewed that filth about him (and probably about those who raised the spewers too!). My kids made me know that I raised them to love people for who they are and to think for themselves.

I think your stepdaughter is lucky to have you as a stepmom, rpeacefuld, and I trust that you will find more community here, to help your path and hers. I wish I had something to share with you that would actually be helpful, but I don't, so will just let you know that I support you in your parenting of your stepdaughter. Your reaching out, shows how very much you care, and that is only natural.

Blessings and all my best to you and yours...Joyce in the mts.

CD Labor/Postpartum (MSTM), Doula trainer (BAI), Midwifery Student/Apprentice, CPS Tech
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#10 of 11 Old 07-29-2003, 05:04 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Lisa_Lynn
it was pretty clear because of what my ahum, fantasies would include
I knew very early that I was biaffectional too (maybe 8 years old when I first put my finger on it), but it didn't have as much to do with fantasies and sexual things but more who I tended to feel like I could "love" in the deepest sense and who I got crushes on. I am not a very sexual person as an adult, so I guess this was an early hint that it didn't have much to do with sex for me. rpeacefuld, I don't know about the whole idea of it being "hereditary." I am married to a woman, BTW, though not legally of course.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is that my 15 year old foster/adoptive son currently *loudly* self-identifies as being both gay and transgender (right now he feels like he does not have either a male or a female identity). I'd be happy to chat.

I'm pro-adoption reform, but not anti-adoption.
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#11 of 11 Old 07-29-2003, 03:54 PM
 
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I don't have a child that is bi or gay, but my sister is and I almost married a man that is.

You sound like you are trying to everything right and right on. Does your dh and his dexw talk concerning your dss?
If the communication is strong and clear, it will only be to her benefit.
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