How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 11 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?
After marriage only! 122 21.82%
After out of the house or away in school! 52 9.30%
Maybe after a certain age but spare me any knowledge of it! 25 4.47%
After open discussions of the natural consequence, but not in the house please! 137 24.51%
After open discussions of the natural consequence and in the home is fine! 151 27.01%
Whenever or wherever is fine by me. 10 1.79%
None of these fit my opinion (I may elaborate below) 62 11.09%
Voters: 559. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 12-27-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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My mother let my boyfriend spend the night, and I spent the night at his place too when I was 16-17. Now that I have children of my own DH and I decided this will NOT take place. There will be no sleeping over with boys. There WILL be talks of safe sex and natural consequences and (hopefully) of waiting for marriage, but I am not going to push that one too hard. Once they are in college, out of the house, fine. If it happens before then, I hope for open communication.

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Old 12-27-2008, 11:19 PM
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I think UUMom was saying we (those who think 13 and 14 is too young for sex, period) are the MINORITY here on MDC.
Do you think a 13 or a 14 year old is old enough to support an take care of a baby? I say this because having a baby is a natural result of having sex. If one is not ready to deal with a possible result of a baby then they are not ready for sex. It is that simple.

All the heart break I hear in real life about child custody battles most likely would have been avoidable if people did not have sex till they met the right person and together they were able to support a child and stay in a loving relationship, such as within the bonds of a wholesome marriage.
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Old 12-28-2008, 12:09 AM
 
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Do you think a 13 or a 14 year old is old enough to support an take care of a baby? I say this because having a baby is a natural result of having sex. If one is not ready to deal with a possible result of a baby then they are not ready for sex. It is that simple.

All the heart break I hear in real life about child custody battles most likely would have been avoidable if people did not have sex till they met the right person and together they were able to support a child and stay in a loving relationship, such as within the bonds of a wholesome marriage.
Um, you do realize that your arguing with comments made a year ago right?

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Old 12-28-2008, 01:04 AM
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Um, you do realize that your arguing with comments made a year ago right?

Well, I just came from a thread where one poster gave a rather long response to a problem that was addressed over 3 years ago. So this one year ago seems to be rather recent. In any case it is a topic that can be discussed just as well now as it was over a year ago.
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Old 12-28-2008, 02:51 AM
 
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Well, I just came from a thread where one poster gave a rather long response to a problem that was addressed over 3 years ago. So this one year ago seems to be rather recent. In any case it is a topic that can be discussed just as well now as it was over a year ago.
Yeah but general consensus is that a thread that was once dead will either not get the same posters responding because they no longer pay attention to it or it gets closed by the moderator for being a "dead thread walking." Like you don't restart an argument with someone a year after you've fought it.

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Old 12-28-2008, 05:58 PM
 
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I am unsure...and a bit nervous. I wish I had the absolute conviction of some of the parents who've responded.
My experience of being sexually active at a young age was a mistake. I would change it if I could. I had such low self esteem and boosted my ego by being hot in bed.
In theory, I like the idea of wait until you are married but honestly, that social more was established when folks got married quite young. I couldn't imagine expecting someone to wait until they are 30 to have sex. It doesn't seem natural.
I have suggested that my daughter wait until she knows she's deeply in love. We discuss sex as a sacred act. Her body and heart are too sacred to share with just anyone. I've made lots of mistakes as a mom. I certainly hope I haven't blown this one and she's open about her desires when they come up.
She's not into the boys at school...it's so small and they go on so many camping and overnight trips, they are more like siblings.
She's likely to fall for someone older so I'm sure this will come up sooner or later.
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Old 01-05-2009, 12:56 PM
 
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I answered "other", because when I parented a sexually active teen who I had a very open and honest relationship with, I came up with some crafty ways to cultivate her development but still maintain some ability to "keep rank" in the house. I gave her books on sexuality, positions for intercourse, masturbation, etc. I encouraged her to do "everything but" as she would learn more about her body and whoever she was with that way. Intercourse is just too simple.
I would tell her that I would be away for the afternoon, say to a meeting, or work, or a class or something, and my partner was also away from the home. I figured, what she did with that time (sneak her boyfriend in a for a couple of hours, binge on the TV, whatever) was up to her. She was aware that we had rules in the house about no friends when she was alone, but when I discovered the bathroom seat up once, I didn't mention it, just checked in with her on condom supply and such. I also found a joint in her room once, but I didn't bust her--merely dumped some cayenne pepper in and re-rolled it. Let's just say--today, she is a very successful college student who has not become pregnant or picked up any std's, and has this strange aversion to pot.

This is awesome & the approach I would like to take as my kids get older. I don't think we will stress waiting for marriage (our kids are 4 and 2 so it's a ways off but I was discussing this with a friend recently). We will try to encourage that it be THEIR choice -- sex, and other choices as well. I know many of the choices I made when I became sexually active had nothing to do what what I really wanted, but what I thought the guy involved wanted, what was expected of me, etc. I want the kids to make their own choices - and I would have a lot of respect for a carefully considered decision to wait, or a carefully considered decision to become active.

I know that I do plan to involve the kids in AIDS volunteer work early on...I volunteered in an AIDS hospice in hs & college & it made quite an impact on me. My DH is the only person I ever had unprotected sex with!
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Old 01-06-2009, 05:45 PM
 
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I hadn't gone there mentally yet, but thanks for spurring the thought!

-Kolleen
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Old 01-07-2009, 08:01 AM
 
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I voted After Marriage Only. I was a bit surprised that there were so many others vote the same way!

Any misspellings or grammatical errors in the above statement are intentional;
they are placed there for the amusement of those who like to point them out.
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Old 01-08-2009, 09:46 PM
 
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Now that the thread is going again...

If I talk to my dc and am comfortable that they are in an equal relationship I will be fine with sleepovers. I have no regrets about my own sexual activity as a younger teen and I have no desire to control my dc sexuality.
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Old 01-11-2009, 03:14 AM
 
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For reasons of faith, I believe that one should wait until marriage before sex, and I hope that my children would do so. I won't knowingly allow them to have sex in the house while unmarried, but if they do so, I won't disown them or anything like that. I will express my disapproval, sure, and talk frankly with them about the consequences of sex, but they are still my kids and I will love them unconditionally regardless. I won't treat them any differently either.

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Old 01-11-2009, 03:20 AM
 
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I would hope that my children wait to have sex until they find the right person, but I'm not going to control their sexuality. The marriage thing is moot as I'm not married myself (by choice).

Carly [29] + DH [27] + DS [9]

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Old 01-11-2009, 10:03 PM
 
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As a mom who married my 1st husband at 17, I would say that teens are not mature enough to engage in such adult behavior. My daughter just turned 15this week and I have told her that sex should be a healthy expression of mature love between adults. She is not in a hurry to be saddled with adulthood. So I guess I would say that once she is able to hold a job and pay rent, if she were in a committed relationship I could accept her "decision". But I am strictly against marriage before 22.

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Old 01-13-2009, 12:37 AM
 
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As a mom who married my 1st husband at 17, I would say that teens are not mature enough to engage in such adult behavior. My daughter just turned 15this week and I have told her that sex should be a healthy expression of mature love between adults. She is not in a hurry to be saddled with adulthood. So I guess I would say that once she is able to hold a job and pay rent, if she were in a committed relationship I could accept her "decision". But I am strictly against marriage before 22.
statements like this really make me wonder what a parent might expect of a child who was told this. If she had a different idea would she be willing to talk to you about it? If she made a decision to have sex do you think you would even know about it?

I may not agree with everything my kids do, and I will share my preferences with them. But I fight the urge to saddle them with should's and judgment. I want them to know they can be honest with me whatever it is they choose to do or be, whether it aligns with my particular morals or not.

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Old 01-13-2009, 12:39 AM
 
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After open discussions of the natural consequence and in the home is fine!

I voted before reading the thread, because this is a very long thread!

I think the most important thing, outside of education, is emotional preparedness.

I was very responsible as a teenager, I had a job, I did my chores, I was in extracurricular activities in high school, I earned good grades even in my AP classes.

But, when I had sex the first time I was not emotionally or psychologically prepared for it. And I was only a couple months shy of 18 my first time.

I was raised Catholic until I was 11 and then my mother chose to attend an episcopal church. My step dad vacillates between atheist and agnostic, so I grew up knowing my spiritual choices were mine to make. My mom fully educated me on STD's, birth control, urged me to wait until marriage, but told me to come to her first for birth control if I thought I might be seriously considering having sex. In fact, she took me to the doctor at my request nearly 2 years prior to me even having sex. I was certainly thinking about it and wanting to do it long before I actually did. One awkward afternoon, my mother even offered to tell me about 'other things' I could do that wasn't actual sex, if I ever wanted to ask her (which I never did!). As open as my mother was with me, I still felt guilt for not waiting until after marriage. I thought I was 'damaged' for choosing to have sex before marriage. I think that affected my self esteem quite a lot, in fact. I was simply not emotionally prepared for the intimacy of it all.

So, I guess what I'm getting at is I think there should be not only the education we all know about regarding health, but also the emotional stuff. And I wouldn't even know where to begin as far as teaching my children about something so intangible. But I think it's (emotional intimacy and vulnerability) very important when it comes to sex.

I wonder if anyone has an idea on how something like that is taught without having experienced it. My mom said I always learned everything the hard way. But is there an easy way?

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Old 01-13-2009, 05:11 AM
 
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When you say "teen" though, you could be talking about 13 on up to 18, and then each child in those ages has differing maturity for their age.
or 13 up to 19. And I see a 13-14 yr as in a different group than 15-16, or 17-18-19. The teenage years are a time of great development, both physically and mentally, as well as emotionally and in how to form and maintain relationships.

And someone earlier did point out how humans are not fully neurologically developed even up through their early 20's. I'm not sure how closely neurological and emotional development can compare, though.

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Old 01-23-2009, 05:35 AM
 
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I cannot believe this thread is still alive and has grown so much....: Holy Cow!
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Old 01-24-2009, 12:31 PM
 
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Looking at the poll results I find my personal views somewhat validated by the number of votes the "in home" option received. Among my own group of friends, I know I am in the minority by allowing my now 16 yr old DD to have sleep overs with her bf on a regular basis.

Although I respect others that may disagree with my parenting style, I have always believed that there is nothing "bad" about teen sex if they are in a loving relationship and are being safe. Sex is a very natural need that we all have and learning to enjoy sex without guilt or stigmas attached is part of growing up.

I want my daughter to realize that sex is only a part of a relationship but it can be a wonderful part, and although I never encouraged my daughter to become sexually active I do embrace and accept the fact that she is in a very committed emotional and physical relationship.
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Old 01-24-2009, 09:14 PM
 
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The key for me is safe committed realtionship. My daughter, 15 is choosing not to do this and that concerns me. She has had sex in non-committed reqatlationships with at least two different partners since October. They were 18 and 19. I am emphaszing safety, self-seteem for her, committment,and and based on a loving realtionship. I relauctantly took her to get DepoVera Shot two months ago. I will have her checked out for Stds every three months. She has condoms and says she uses them but is so highly impulsive that I can't count on that.
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Old 03-25-2009, 10:29 AM
 
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Especially the one who now, at 25 has men run from a relationship with her because no one wants to be the one to take her virginity. So now she is UNABLE to have an adult relationship because she was "waiting".
As someone who didn't lose her virginity until age 24, I have a hard time believing this. If a guy is saying he doesn't want to "take her virginity," that is another way of saying he's just not that into her. If a guy is really attracted to someone, he's going to refuse to have sex with her? WTH?

I regret having had sex at 24 because it just wasn't a good relationship. A year later, I was in a better relationship.

I just can't imagine a person having the emotional maturity to handle a sexual relationship in his or her mid-teens. Exposing yourself physically and, for girls, allowing someone into your body leaves you very emotionally vulnerable.
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Old 03-25-2009, 11:07 AM
 
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Whether we want our kids to have sex or not really isn't the issue. I think it is more about if they do have sex, how do we as parents handle it.
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Old 03-25-2009, 03:16 PM
 
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Whether we want our kids to have sex or not really isn't the issue. I think it is more about if they do have sex, how do we as parents handle it.
Well said.

I'm not ready for my oldest child to be having sex but I think there is a small liklihood that she is. I had hoped she would wait longer and I have concerns about her handling it but she has been dating this boy forever in teen time and I think that eventually they will be. Especially if the boys mother continues like she is, making accusations and invading their privacy. And if it's at her house I will laugh. It happens here that will be another story.
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Old 03-25-2009, 03:26 PM
 
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I don't think that sex is only for marriage, but I do think sex is for adults and that my 15 year old is not an adult. This is not a new concept to the children, I started this whole "some things are for adults" since they were very small.

Apart from the possibility of getting pregnant or a disease, I think a sexual relationship is just a lot more complex than a non-sexual one and adults, generally speaking, are better equipped to cope with those feelings.

I would like to believe my kids and I have an open enough relationship that she would come to me if she wanted to have sex and talk to me about it. I really DO believe we have that relationship, but then again, you just never know 100% with kids so....she does have lots of other adults in her life, cousins, aunts, friends, so I think she'd go to someone in any case.

I would get her birth control if she were determined to have sex but I would not allow it to take place in my home. That's just beyond my comfort level. And of course I'd be there for her if things went badly, ranging from getting pregnant to getting her heart broken.
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Old 03-29-2009, 09:00 AM
 
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As someone who didn't lose her virginity until age 24, I have a hard time believing this. If a guy is saying he doesn't want to "take her virginity," that is another way of saying he's just not that into her. If a guy is really attracted to someone, he's going to refuse to have sex with her? WTH?
Actually, this happened to my sister. She "waited" until she was 22, met the man who is now her DH, and he made some comment about not liking virgins because there was too much pressure or something. She lied, said she wasn't a virgin, but told the truth just before they were going to have sex. Luckily (I guess--I don't think he's much of a catch), he stayed with her, but they ended up waiting until marriage.

Still, true as it is, it's no reason to have sex with just anyone to get rid of that pesky virginity. If he hadn't wanted the "commitment" of having sex with a virgin, he probably wasn't the right guy for her anyway if she wanted a long term relationship.
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Old 03-29-2009, 12:57 PM
 
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I lost my virginity at 23 to my first serious boyfriend and he didn't have a problem with it.

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