How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?
After marriage only! 122 21.82%
After out of the house or away in school! 52 9.30%
Maybe after a certain age but spare me any knowledge of it! 25 4.47%
After open discussions of the natural consequence, but not in the house please! 137 24.51%
After open discussions of the natural consequence and in the home is fine! 151 27.01%
Whenever or wherever is fine by me. 10 1.79%
None of these fit my opinion (I may elaborate below) 62 11.09%
Voters: 559. You may not vote on this poll

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Preteens and Teens > How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?
kittywitty's Avatar kittywitty 01:48 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by lanamommyphd07 View Post
I also found a joint in her room once, but I didn't bust her--merely dumped some cayenne pepper in and re-rolled it. Let's just say--today, she is a very successful college student who has not become pregnant or picked up any std's, and has this strange aversion to pot.
That's too funny!

I'm the one that said until 30. My babies are my babies, dang it. I don't want to think of it that way, just like I don't want to know of my brothers (who I raised) in that way, or see my kids driving a car. It's scary to me. I don't think sex is shameful, but something private that your parents don't need to know about. I would never tell my parents about my sex life, not from shame, but because it's my business.

And I was allowed to drink, etc. in the house. So were many of my friends. But that didn't mean that we didn't drink outside of the house. Teens are teens. You do some stupid stuff, just like many adults do, for that matter. Just because something is condoned one place, doesn't mean that you won't find other ways, because that's what makes it exciting, right?

I have thought about getting my kids a book about sex when they are older (is it good vibes that has the good one about safety and everything else?) so that they don't have to find out the hard way and so I know they get the right info. But that doesn't mean I expect, condone, or want them to have sex yet. Sex can be a beautiful thing, but it can also be painful and affect you for the rest of your life.

So I guess I will bow out since apparently my view is unwanted here.

darkpear's Avatar darkpear 01:58 PM 07-17-2007
So for those whose beliefs forbid premarital sex, are you comfortable forcing your kids to take Pascal's Wager?
Starr's Avatar Starr 02:05 PM 07-17-2007
I remember being a teenager and several of my friends had their boyfriends stay the night, personally it was just not something I felt comfortable with and I know my parents would have never allowed it. Yes they probably knew what was going on, they knew I was on the pill and so on but I was over 18. I can not imagine what their reaction would have been if I was 15 or 16 and they are pretty liberal.
mamakarata's Avatar mamakarata 02:25 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by limabean View Post
I will be very open with my kids about sex, but I'm also going to be open about our family's values, and handing my kids a beer or a condom on their way to their bedroom isn't part of that.
I find this argument interesting. How sex and alcohol are put in the same category. One is a poison. The other is ??? bad?
mamakarata's Avatar mamakarata 02:41 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by KMK_Mama View Post
I am curious though.....do you like her boyfriend? If so, what if you didn't? Would you still allow it??
That is a good question. I have grown to like him. He was bit reserved and of course wasn't at all "good enough" for my dd. I can't imagine who ever will be though!

Now if my dd thought I didn't get along well with her BF, she wouldn't feel comfortable inviting him over. The same as if she had a girlfriend that was intolerable somehow. If he was disrespectful, a slob, or whatever, all those things would have to be addressed, the same as any of her friends.

But this whole thing was gradual and individual. It really had to do with my dd being happy with him, and getting to know him over time. Now it's just the same as "mom, can suzie q spend the night tonight" we would evaluate if it's a convenient night to have someone stay the night etc.

Also, he doesn't spend every night over. They have other friends, and stuff going on, but usually every weekend they get together at either my house or his house at some point.

kwim?
mamakarata's Avatar mamakarata 02:55 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by intorainbowz View Post
Cost?

Well from my beliefs, and only my beliefs which I will be teaching DD... her eternal happiness.

As I don't want to be the preachy one here, and I seem to be raining on the its all good parade, I'm out.
See now this makes me sad too. Why are you out? Are you going to be "out" when you dd starts asking you some hard questions?

Is "eternal happiness" something she WON'T have if she chooses to have premarital sex? How will you deal with that if it comes to that?

I really put this thread up to find out more how this opinion works for you. To understand, and maybe learn something myself.

I don't profess to have it all figured out. I may not agree, but I want to know what the thinking is here.

My dd's best friend has talked extensively to me because when she trys to talk with her Mom about her views that are different than her Mom's, her Mom cuts off the conversation too!

I am sure you don't feel you owe me or anyone else BUT your dd a better explanation than "eternal happiness" but if that is all you have, you might need some back up for this one. kwim?. This is just what I am observing.

Don't go away yet. Share!
MadWorldSonnet's Avatar MadWorldSonnet 03:08 PM 07-17-2007
I just wanted to set it out there-don't be surprised when your daughter (or son) feels that s/he can't talk to you if/when they decide to start having sex. They may very well start talking to their friends, their friend's mother/aunt/sister, etc.

I've personally taken 5 of my sisters friends (and my sister herself) to Planned Parenthood for any number of services, including STD testing/Pap, pregnancy tests, birth control, and yes, abortion.

Each one of them said that their parents basically told them "no sex" (be it before marriage, while still in HS, while living at home, etc), and each one had already been sexually active prior to their 1st visit. None were comfortable talking to their mother or father, and were scared to death about anyone finding out they were sexually active.

Not to mention how many emails and IMs I get from them with questions like "My period is 3 days late! WTF do I do? My mom'll kill me-she doesn't know I'm having sex!" or "I had sex 3 weeks ago, and now it's really buring down there. I have no idea what to do-my dad has the insurence and I can't get treated, cuz then they'll find out"

and each of these girls (and a few guys) has parents who think their kid is a virgin, who didn't talk to their kids about how to protect themselves, didn't supply condoms, etc, because they didn't want to enable them. And many of them would be the 1st to shake their heads at a parent like me.
Houdini's Avatar Houdini 03:28 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by darkpear View Post
So for those whose beliefs forbid premarital sex, are you comfortable forcing your kids to take Pascal's Wager?
I am not going to forbid premarital sex b/c I really don't think it is possible. I am teaching my children that we would like them to not have sex outside of marriage and I will give them the risks of sex outside of marriage.

I don't know what Pascal's Wager is, so I can't comment on that.
darkpear's Avatar darkpear 03:30 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post
I just wanted to set it out there-don't be surprised when your daughter (or son) feels that s/he can't talk to you if/when they decide to start having sex. They may very well start talking to their friends, their friend's mother/aunt/sister, etc.

I've personally taken 5 of my sisters friends (and my sister herself) to Planned Parenthood for any number of services, including STD testing/Pap, pregnancy tests, birth control, and yes, abortion.

Each one of them said that their parents basically told them "no sex" (be it before marriage, while still in HS, while living at home, etc), and each one had already been sexually active prior to their 1st visit. None were comfortable talking to their mother or father, and were scared to death about anyone finding out they were sexually active.

Not to mention how many emails and IMs I get from them with questions like "My period is 3 days late! WTF do I do? My mom'll kill me-she doesn't know I'm having sex!" or "I had sex 3 weeks ago, and now it's really buring down there. I have no idea what to do-my dad has the insurence and I can't get treated, cuz then they'll find out"

and each of these girls (and a few guys) has parents who think their kid is a virgin, who didn't talk to their kids about how to protect themselves, didn't supply condoms, etc, because they didn't want to enable them. And many of them would be the 1st to shake their heads at a parent like me.



This is life and death, folks. Life and death, in the here and now.
Houdini's Avatar Houdini 03:34 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post
I just wanted to set it out there-don't be surprised when your daughter (or son) feels that s/he can't talk to you if/when they decide to start having sex. They may very well start talking to their friends, their friend's mother/aunt/sister, etc.

and each of these girls (and a few guys) has parents who think their kid is a virgin, who didn't talk to their kids about how to protect themselves, didn't supply condoms, etc, because they didn't want to enable them. And many of them would be the 1st to shake their heads at a parent like me.
I agree some go this direction and won't talk to parents, but I it isn't all of them. My parents expected us to wait until marriage. My mom also made it clear that she would put me on bc if I felt I was ready for a sexual relationship before marriage. I started the pill at 17 and started a sexual relationship at 17 with my now husband.

I don't automatically put teaching your child to wait for marriage into the category of they can't have an open relationship as well and tell you if they choose a different path. My kids are well aware of what we believe to be healthier, but they are also aware that we know they may choose something different and that is fine (at least with me it is...dad is still working it out). We are teaching them about sex within the confines of marriage, but that doesn't mean we aren't teaching them about protection and all that goes with sexual relationships. I am sure there are many families who teach abstinence and nothing else, but it doesn't have to be that way.
intorainbowz's Avatar intorainbowz 03:38 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
See now this makes me sad too. Why are you out? Are you going to be "out" when you dd starts asking you some hard questions?

Is "eternal happiness" something she WON'T have if she chooses to have premarital sex? How will you deal with that if it comes to that?

I really put this thread up to find out more how this opinion works for you. To understand, and maybe learn something myself.

I don't profess to have it all figured out. I may not agree, but I want to know what the thinking is here.

My dd's best friend has talked extensively to me because when she trys to talk with her Mom about her views that are different than her Mom's, her Mom cuts off the conversation too!

I am sure you don't feel you owe me or anyone else BUT your dd a better explanation than "eternal happiness" but if that is all you have, you might need some back up for this one. kwim?. This is just what I am observing.

Don't go away yet. Share!
Oh, alright.

And no I won't be out on my DD, because she is way more important to me than a message board.

I really plan to be open and loving, all the things my mom was not. I know from watching my friends parents, who had the same expectation of abstinence prior to marraige that you can have an open and loving relationship with your children, and still set standards that work for your family. I am using the example set by these women on how to handle such situations. I am thinking of one mom in particular. You could ask her anything. And she would tell you, or tell you that is too personal. She would teach with such love for you as a person. I know from what my friend, her daughter told me, was that was the way she was with her children as well. I want to be a mom like that mom. This mom was one children and teens just wanted to be around, and her house was usually full of her children's friends. However she had rules and expectations. You don't make a mess and if you do, you clean it up. Help with chores if you are there at chore time. Follow her standards while you were in her home.

And yes she had a daughter who got pregnant, and she was so wonderfully kind and gentle with her. She let her daughter know she was disappointed in her, but supported her the whole way. She went to the prenatals, and was her Bradley birthing coach, went to the classes and everything. I also know that prior to her getting pregnant this daughter told her mom she was having sex, and she took her daughter to the doctor for BDP, but as we all know those have the best chance of working when you actually take them.

That's what my plans are. I'm not a head in the sand type of mom. I know sex happens, and I hope over the next decade or so I cultivate a relationship with my DC where they know they can come to me with their problems because I will listen and help, even if I don't approve.

Oh, and I'm not asking them to do anything I did not do. I was a virgin on my wedding night by my choice.
mamakarata's Avatar mamakarata 03:39 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
I'm the one that said until 30. My babies are my babies, dang it. I don't want to think of it that way, just like I don't want to know of my brothers (who I raised) in that way, or see my kids driving a car. It's scary to me. I don't think sex is shameful, but something private that your parents don't need to know about. I would never tell my parents about my sex life, not from shame, but because it's my business.

So I guess I will bow out since apparently my view is unwanted here.
But maybe you would have felt comfortable talking to your parents, if you knew they were comfortable with it. kwim?

I know what you are saying. It was weird to think of her having sex at all. But then, sex is kind of a weird act anyway! I mean, I can't think of anyone else that I would "like" to think about having sex. (except dh and me of course)

It is a private thing. But we had children! And they are going to grow up!

I didn't like changing shitty diapers either, but I sure as heck did! It's part of our responsibility as parents doncha think? To help them with growing up? To address the awkward and uncomfortable?

Our parents and society set the tone for these discussions. And that tone usually carries years of baggage that hasn't been re-assessed.

We all to some degree, do that "react parenting" where we just avoid that which makes us uncomfortable.

But like so many parents on mothering.com, we needed to re-think many things (like bottlefeeding, and circumsiion, and cio approaches) and forego what our parents told us so we would know we have made a rational and logical decision based on what is realistic.

i said it before, it wasn't easy at first. i was smack in the middle of the same society of guilt and shame around sex.

And for pete's sake, who said your opinion isn't wanted around here? Look at the polls! It's a mixed lot wouldn't you say?
choli's Avatar choli 03:55 PM 07-17-2007
I voted "not in the house" because my dds share a bedroom Apart from that, they are armed with information about birth control and safe sex, and their decisions about their own sexuality are just that - their own. They will not be obliged to discuss those decisions with me any more than I discuss my sex life with them.
kittywitty's Avatar kittywitty 03:57 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
I find this argument interesting. How sex and alcohol are put in the same category. One is a poison. The other is ??? bad?
Yes, they both can be good or bad. It depends on the responsibilities taken on and how you approach it. I see drinking a beer as less a problem than my kid getting HPV. Condoms do not always protect, especially when it's not just intercourse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by MadWorldSonnet View Post
I just wanted to set it out there-don't be surprised when your daughter (or son) feels that s/he can't talk to you if/when they decide to start having sex. They may very well start talking to their friends, their friend's mother/aunt/sister, etc.

I've personally taken 5 of my sisters friends (and my sister herself) to Planned Parenthood for any number of services, including STD testing/Pap, pregnancy tests, birth control, and yes, abortion.

Each one of them said that their parents basically told them "no sex" (be it before marriage, while still in HS, while living at home, etc), and each one had already been sexually active prior to their 1st visit. None were comfortable talking to their mother or father, and were scared to death about anyone finding out they were sexually active.

Not to mention how many emails and IMs I get from them with questions like "My period is 3 days late! WTF do I do? My mom'll kill me-she doesn't know I'm having sex!" or "I had sex 3 weeks ago, and now it's really buring down there. I have no idea what to do-my dad has the insurence and I can't get treated, cuz then they'll find out"

and each of these girls (and a few guys) has parents who think their kid is a virgin, who didn't talk to their kids about how to protect themselves, didn't supply condoms, etc, because they didn't want to enable them. And many of them would be the 1st to shake their heads at a parent like me.
I don't want to not be open about it, I expect my children (and brothers) to be responsible about it, and open up to me. Not that it won't squick me out, and I don't want it under my roof, dagnabit, but I would never assume they are a virgin or have so distant a relationship they can't talk to me about it. That would be a real crime. But I also would not encourage it. Can't you see the difference?

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
But maybe you would have felt comfortable talking to your parents, if you knew they were comfortable with it. kwim?

I know what you are saying. It was weird to think of her having sex at all. But then, sex is kind of a weird act anyway! I mean, I can't think of anyone else that I would "like" to think about having sex. (except dh and me of course)

It is a private thing. But we had children! And they are going to grow up!

I didn't like changing shitty diapers either, but I sure as heck did! It's part of our responsibility as parents doncha think? To help them with growing up? To address the awkward and uncomfortable?

Our parents and society set the tone for these discussions. And that tone usually carries years of baggage that hasn't been re-assessed.

We all to some degree, do that "react parenting" where we just avoid that which makes us uncomfortable.

But like so many parents on mothering.com, we needed to re-think many things (like bottlefeeding, and circumsiion, and cio approaches) and forego what our parents told us so we would know we have made a rational and logical decision based on what is realistic.

i said it before, it wasn't easy at first. i was smack in the middle of the same society of guilt and shame around sex.

And for pete's sake, who said your opinion isn't wanted around here? Look at the polls! It's a mixed lot wouldn't you say?
It's unwanted because apparently the tone by many is that I am doing my children wrong by not condoning their doing the hanky panky in my house (or my brothers-squick!!!). My parents (or mother, sdad wasn't around much) were very liberal, sexually open (too much) people. I had the talk. I was told once she'd kill me if I did it, but then she turned her opinion around and changed. Trust me, they were WAY too understanding and open. One time I found some pictures....*shudders* I should be thankful it didn't make me a nun.

And I see the opposite (at least in my circles, but I'm not fundamental in any way, shape, or form) reaction to sex. It is very open and WAY too objectifying of women. Not to mention the pressure and role given to boys and men. It is sickening to me that sex is not something good and sacred, but something to sell toothpaste and pencils and whatnot. THAT is the real crime. Rising numbers of STDs, HIV, and deadbeat fathers also scare me. I have been truly lucky to not ever have a STD, and I would be crushed if my child had to live with that stigma and physical pain.

I just hope to teach my kids that sex isn't just something to do because "everyone is doing it" and they want to. Self control and responsibility are learned and trust is to be earned. I am not going to get them chastity belts, but hope to teach them that it is not cool, in my book to GIO at a young age, even if I have to tell them every horrid detail about my past and my friends' pasts.
Arduinna's Avatar Arduinna 04:00 PM 07-17-2007
I'm just curious how old everyones kids are posting in this thread? My dd is 17.
wonderwahine's Avatar wonderwahine 04:02 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
I'm just curious how old everyones kids are posting in this thread? My dd is 17.
mine is only 21mths old so far, but I plan to raise my kids how my parents raised me, which is very similar to the OP.
jlmack45's Avatar jlmack45 04:02 PM 07-17-2007
I think that it is important to talk to your kids about healthy sexual relationships. MY FIL talked to my husband about sex after we had been dating for 6 months. We had already BTDT and his only advice was..." don't have sex with a girl unless your'e ready to marry her because accidents always happen." OH yeah, that was informative!! I would not ever feel comfortable doing anything in my parents or inlaws houses even after we were married. That speech was 3.5 years ago and we are now married and starting a family. I would not condone it in my own home either. I am the only woman getting any in this house! My DH is the type where heaven forbid we have a dd. He will be so protective the rifle on the porch would be an understatement! He would be sitting in the backseat on the way to the date and behind them at all times watching the movie, etc. To each his own, but I would not allow my daughter to have friends over and sleep with the door closed. I will discuss sex and BC methods, but I would not feel comfortable knowing that my child is tucked away safely under the covers....DTD with her bf in my house.
The4OfUs's Avatar The4OfUs 04:08 PM 07-17-2007
I voted Other, because it totally depends on the kid, the circumstance, the partner, and the age/responsibility level they are at as to how I will react.

Being that I WAS having responsible (protection EVERY time), fulfilling sex with my long-term boyfriend (had dated a year before our first time) just before I turned 17 (and continued to for 3 more years before we broke up), I will not be attempting to forbid my children from doing so. My parents told me that they hoped I would wait until I was married, or at least out of high school. That was about as far as our conversations went. I bought my own condoms when my boyfriend and I decided to start having sex, and if it was his turn and he forgot, we didn't do it (I was a hard ass even with all those teenage hormones raging ).

We did it when we were at one of our houses after school, before our parents got home. Or at his house on the weekends if his parents went out for something. My parents never went out when we were at our house. I htink they knew what we were up to. .

I plan to be open and practical with my children, and try to impress upon them that being emotionally ready, in a healthy relationship is the most important thing if you want to have sex. AND, that abstaining from penetration but doing any number of other more risky things is NOT the way to go. It freaks me out how many kids are doing risky things that are "everything but" in the misguided belief that so long as they don't 'have sex', it's not a big deal. Shudder.

So long as my kids are in a healthy relationship with a caring partner, and are well informed of the responsibilities and risks of having sex, I will not try to stop them. I won't necessarily facilitate them by providing specific opportunities for them to be together to have sex, but I won't try to prevent them either.
choli's Avatar choli 04:13 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
I'm just curious how old everyones kids are posting in this thread? My dd is 17.
Mine are 13 and 10.
kittywitty's Avatar kittywitty 04:19 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
I'm just curious how old everyones kids are posting in this thread? My dd is 17.
I already posted mine. 6,5, and 2. But I raised my brothers (who are now with my sdad) and they are 12,15, and 16. I give them all of those talks, and they are "my children" as far as they and I are concerned.
limabean's Avatar limabean 04:22 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
I find this argument interesting. How sex and alcohol are put in the same category. One is a poison. The other is ??? bad?
Oh, I'm not directly comparing the two, just using them as an example because the parents I've known who let their kids drink at home have used the same argument as some of the parents in this thread use as a reason to let their kids have sex at home. I just don't agree with that particular argument in either case.
mamakarata's Avatar mamakarata 04:22 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
Yes, they both can be good or bad. It depends on the responsibilities taken on and how you approach it. I see drinking a beer as less a problem than my kid getting HPV. Condoms do not always protect, especially when it's not just intercourse.

See now this is where we fundamentally disagree. Alcohol is just the thing that would cloud the judgement of whether they are being responsible. It IS bad. Sex is only as bad as people make it; i.e unprotected, non-consentual

Quote:
Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
I don't want to not be open about it, I expect my children (and brothers) to be responsible about it, and open up to me. Not that it won't squick me out, and I don't want it under my roof, dagnabit, but I would never assume they are a virgin or have so distant a relationship they can't talk to me about it. That would be a real crime. But I also would not encourage it. Can't you see the difference?
You don't "want to not be open about it" yet you "don't want to think about it" how would they ever feel comfortable with that vibe in the air?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
It's unwanted because apparently the tone by many is that I am doing my children wrong by not condoning their doing the hanky panky in my house (or my brothers-squick!!!). My parents (or mother, sdad wasn't around much) were very liberal, sexually open (too much) people. I had the talk. I was told once she'd kill me if I did it, but then she turned her opinion around and changed. Trust me, they were WAY too understanding and open. One time I found some pictures....*shudders* I should be thankful it didn't make me a nun.
hanky panky "generally used to mean any number of activities of which the speaker does not approve.." the baggage, the endless baggage! Your parents sounded confused and shared too much. Remember that when you "squick" out!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
And I see the opposite (at least in my circles, but I'm not fundamental in any way, shape, or form) reaction to sex. It is very open and WAY too objectifying of women. Not to mention the pressure and role given to boys and men. It is sickening to me that sex is not something good and sacred, but something to sell toothpaste and pencils and whatnot. THAT is the real crime. Rising numbers of STDs, HIV, and deadbeat fathers also scare me. I have been truly lucky to not ever have a STD, and I would be crushed if my child had to live with that stigma and physical pain.
I agree!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
I just hope to teach my kids that sex isn't just something to do because "everyone is doing it" and they want to. Self control and responsibility are learned and trust is to be earned. I am not going to get them chastity belts, but hope to teach them that it is not cool, in my book to GIO at a young age, even if I have to tell them every horrid detail about my past and my friends' pasts.
Me too! So we DO agree! And you will be able to do just that if you can not "squick out" (at least visibly) I certainly wanted her to do it when SHE was ready, and under no pressure etc.

And in the end, she felt ready. So now what? "No you can't?" This is where the relationship breaks down if an understanding is not made that includes dd's maturity and input. It's just a matter of communication and understanding. Once it becomes a battle, it's all over.

Thanks for sticking around!
kittywitty's Avatar kittywitty 04:31 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
You don't "want to not be open about it" yet you "don't want to think about it" how would they ever feel comfortable with that vibe in the air?

hanky panky "generally used to mean any number of activities of which the speaker does not approve.." the baggage, the endless baggage! Your parents sounded confused and shared too much. Remember that when you "squick" out!
Nope, sure don't want to think about it! Just like I don't want to think about my cats GIO, or my neighbors, or my parents... I want them to be able to talk to me about it, but that doesn't mean I want to visualize it.

I consider hanky panky to mean the same thing the song meant. There are many terms to use. If I disapproved of sex, I wouldn't have almost 4 kids. And baggage? Honey, you have no idea! But my friends whose parents were open the same way as your relationship with your dd are no more messed up in the sex dept. than I. In fact, I was more conservative in my...practices.

I still disagree about alcohol. One beer doesn't cloud your judgement. Otherwise all those dang Europeans who drink wine with their meals would be nothing but a load of degenerates. If you abuse it, it does have the propensity for damage, that's where the similarity between irresponsible drinking and irresponsible sex comes into play. Clear as mud?
MillingNome's Avatar MillingNome 04:32 PM 07-17-2007
Well since my dd likes to read here (don't you have a myspace page to attend to ???) I would definately prefer she wait until she is done with high school and a good chunk of college and is married. It totally has to do with the values I think will serve her best for her life goals. I also am of the mind that there is plenty to do that can be rather fun that does not involve actual sex. It takes discipline but I think we can all admit to knowing more than just sex rocking the world DD and ds will be told anything they want to know barring personal info. They can ask any question and expect an honest answer. That is what I am comfortable with. But as discussed someone where else, it is not always about being comfortable. They are their own people and must be able to know that no matter what they choose, I will love them. It doesn't mean that is what I want for them or think it is best for them in the long run. I can only hope that between what I tell them, they find out through friends and the web, they will know and understand that no action is without consequences.
UnschoolnMa's Avatar UnschoolnMa 04:44 PM 07-17-2007
Regarding age of kids: My son is 16 and my daughter is 13.5
nonconformnmom's Avatar nonconformnmom 04:52 PM 07-17-2007
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Houdini's Avatar Houdini 04:53 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
I'm just curious how old everyones kids are posting in this thread? My dd is 17.
Three boys - 12, 9, and 6....one girl - 10.
MillingNome's Avatar MillingNome 04:55 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
And in the end, she felt ready. So now what? "No you can't?" This is where the relationship breaks down if an understanding is not made that includes dd's maturity and input. It's just a matter of communication and understanding. Once it becomes a battle, it's all over.

You do realize the question you asked, right? It was: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?

You didn't ask if we will support our children even if they go against something we value, if we will be open with them about the risk and benefits of sex, or discuss any number of issues surrounding relationships. I am honestly not comfortable with the thought of my dd having sex while still in high school. It is a reflection of what I value and no different than trying to instill any number of other values. It's kind of my job as parent to do that. Those are my expectations. I freely acknowledge dd will draw her own conclusions. I would just like my values to be her starting point. Then she has to thoughtfully reason why she would not hold such a value.

Personally I don't care what anyone else condones in regards to sex for their kids... obviously talking about teens having/ not having sex with other teens with consent. If you're comfortable with your teen having sex in your house, fine. It's your house, your kid, your comfort level, your values. I don't have to agree with you to understand why you condone it. Hopefully the same goes for those of us who hold differing views, even if you don't agree with us. There's more than one right way to raise a kid
Houdini's Avatar Houdini 05:12 PM 07-17-2007
Quote:
Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post
You do realize the question you asked, right? It was: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?

You didn't ask if we will support our children even if they go against something we value, if we will be open with them about the risk and benefits of sex, or discuss any number of issues surrounding relationships. I am honestly not comfortable with the thought of my dd having sex while still in high school. It is a reflection of what I value and no different than trying to instill any number of other values. It's kind of my job as parent to do that. Those are my expectations. I freely acknowledge dd will draw her own conclusions. I would just like my values to be her starting point. Then she has to thoughtfully reason why she would not hold such a value.

Personally I don't care what anyone else condones in regards to sex for their kids... obviously talking about teens having/ not having sex with other teens with consent. If you're comfortable with your teen having sex in your house, fine. It's your house, your kid, your comfort level, your values. I don't have to agree with you to understand why you condone it. Hopefully the same goes for those of us who hold differing views, even if you don't agree with us. There's more than one right way to raise a kid

guestmama9911's Avatar guestmama9911 05:41 PM 07-17-2007
I haven't read all the posts, but I voted after marriage only, and this is how it is going to work.

I raise my children, first off, letting them know that even when they make poor choices, they are still loved and valuable.

However, I do have standards I think will make them happier people, and one of them is to honor their bodies and consider sex to be a wonderful gift you give someone you love and not just recreation or a way to keep a boyfriend. I am going to teach them that saving sex for marriage is a wonderful thing.

I personally did not and I regret it every day. The oolder I got and learned about love and sex and relationships, the more I wish I had been more discriminating and the more I wish I had adopted the Buddhist view of being moderate with your passions.

Now that I am LDS (Mormon), I have an even more beautiful view of sex as the most ultimate form of spiritual connection with a human being. I do not think I am depriving my child by teaching them this belief, but preparing them for something amazing.

Do I condemn people who have sex outside of marriage? That would make no sense, since I did. I have friends are who living together, and I don't love them any less. And I love my children unconditionally. But that doesn't mean I don't want them to have a moral base, and my moral base includes saving sex for marriage.

And my mother taught us all about birth control and STD's when we were very young. But she also taught us about fetal development, how an embryo has a heart beat at only 3 weeks, how the baby looks at each stage of pregnancy. She held nothing back from us so that we could make wise choices. So when I did loose my virginity, at least I was prepared to protect myself physically. I just wasn't prepared to protect myself emotionally.

So this is my take on it.
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