How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Page 9 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?
After marriage only! 122 21.82%
After out of the house or away in school! 52 9.30%
Maybe after a certain age but spare me any knowledge of it! 25 4.47%
After open discussions of the natural consequence, but not in the house please! 137 24.51%
After open discussions of the natural consequence and in the home is fine! 151 27.01%
Whenever or wherever is fine by me. 10 1.79%
None of these fit my opinion (I may elaborate below) 62 11.09%
Voters: 559. You may not vote on this poll

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#241 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by dnw826 View Post
Noone was saying that?
I am asking for people's experiences. I have shared my experence that is working for me.
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#242 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 06:36 PM
 
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I want to protect my children from unnecessary harm if they don't have the ability yet to protect themselves, and I know that their bodies and their sexuality belong to them. That means that I would accept it under certain conditions, i.e. that I believe that my child is in a safe situation and has a *very* good understanding of the potential ramifications of becoming sexually active, which the vast majority of young people ("sex ed" notwithstanding) don't have the slightest clue about. They're kept in the dark and made to feel shameful in the attempt to counter the affects of the crap they're barraged with by the media and peers. It backfires. Our society is so screwed up when it comes to dealing with teens -- we infantilize them in some ways and expect them to be adults in others. The reality of what they are ready for psychologically and physically is something very different, and it's different for every person. A free, healthy person doesn't do stupid things and doesn't do self-destructive things. I have every faith in my children that they will make good choices for themselves because they haven't had to build up neurotic defenses that would obscure their intuitive understanding of what's good for them.

That said, they can't know everything, and there are negative possibilities that they might not ever truly comprehend until having had gone through it. The upshot of that is that we would, like UUMom, also discourage sex in the teen years.

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My dd is so emotionally immature in so many ways, yet she has teenaged hormones bouncing around and is already so boy crazy it frightens me. She is 9! And for 3 years all I have heard about from her is which boy is cute, and when will she have a boyfriend.
I was boy crazy too, I had some seriously painful crushes. (I didn't let on to my mother though, that would have been too embarrassing!) But for me it had *nothing* to do with sexual desire. I really wasn't ready to have sex until I was in my twenties!
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#243 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 06:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamakarata View Post
I am asking for people's experiences. I have shared my experence that is working for me.
You responded to my post in response to another poster. That's confusing, huh?
No one person is right about waiting vs. before marriage.

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#244 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 07:00 PM
 
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A free, healthy person doesn't do stupid things and doesn't do self-destructive things. I have every faith in my children that they will make good choices for themselves because they haven't had to build up neurotic defenses that would obscure their intuitive understanding of what's good for them.
You had me until you said that. I don't know anybody, no matter how healthy, free, or intelligent, who hasn't done a thing or two in their lifetime that couldn't be categorized as stupid or not-too-well-thought-out when it comes to romantic choices. Maybe they don't all involve sex, but I think that's a pretty heavy burden to place on your children to never make any mistakes in that department.


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I was boy crazy too, I had some seriously painful crushes. (I didn't let on to my mother though, that would have been too embarrassing!) But for me it had *nothing* to do with sexual desire. I really wasn't ready to have sex until I was in my twenties!
Well, I can always hope.

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#245 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 07:27 PM
 
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I just think our society is over-sexed in a bad way that teens are pressured into being sexual beings before they are ready and used by boys....
So now my kids are predators because they have Y chromosomes? That's rather insulting.
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#246 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 07:42 PM
 
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I haven't witnessed so much judgement toward people who choose to wait or who idealize it for themselves.

I would like to address what happens to those who are told they should wait when they might feel otherwise.

The potential guilt that arises from that internal conflict.

And how parents who don't want to impart guilt around sex, but who do want to impart the idea of saving them selves. I am interested in how parents have been able to do this successfully.

Anyone?
*shrug*

I didn't have sex until I was 23. I didn't save myself until marriage, but I'm guessing 23 is well past the average. There was no guilt involved.

When I was growing up, my mother had very few "rules" or whatever you eant to call them. When she asked me NOT to do something, she usually had very good reasons, and I respected her judgment. One of those was sex while I was still in high school. She laid it out for me...no contraception is foolproof, pregnancy is always a possibility, it's very difficult to raise a child and go to school, I probably would not be with a high school boyfriend even a year or two down the line (yes, it happens, but not that often), yada yada yada. TBH, never was religion discussed (my parents aren't religious at all, really). She felt very strongly about this, and I respected her thoughts and arguments. Her arguments ultimately played into my decision to not have sex until my *college* diploma was within grasp (spring semester, senior year...yeah, I made damn sure I was getting my diploma w/o being sidetracked by a pregnancy).

We had a very open dialogue, and she allowed me to go to overnight co-ed parties with friends (heck, she hosted a couple, but ground rules were laid down). She let boyfriends stay overnight, in my bedroom, and knew we weren't having sex. Out of respect for my mother, I would never have DREAMED of having sex in her house. It was a matter of respect, not guilt.
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#247 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 08:22 PM
 
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I reject the whole idea, which keeps getting repeated in different forms by different posters, that by endorsing a certain standard of behavior I am setting up my child for damage if she chooses not to follow that standard. That makes no sense at all. I am sorry for people who had negative experiences with shaming, misogynistic concepts of "virginity," etc., but that's not what people on this thread are talking about. My love and respect for my child is unconditional and doesn't depend on her following certain standards, which I have chosen for myself and which I understand not everybody shares. We live in a diverse, open society and my child, as she grows, might find another set of standards more compelling. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to share what I believe with her, and the reasons for it. Which includes the expectation that she will follow those standards as long as she is a dependent minor under my roof.

On the other hand, given the very personal nature of the matter and the strength of the passions involved, I will make sure she knows how to protect herself physically if she rejects my attempt to protect her spiritually and emotionally. Actually, I believe that the message to delay sex and the message to use protection can be presented in a mutually reinforcing way: with an understanding that sex is serious stuff, to be approached with caution, and that the best protection is to wait, if possible, until one is in a better position to assume the attendant risks. That is, until one is a mature and independent adult.

Frankly, I think this whole thread is a bit of a set-up. A poll is supposed to get a variety of opinions, but opinions that differ have been systematically shot down rather than, IMO, authentically engaged. I feel like rather than being heard, we have just been set up as an opportunity for the OP and others to pontificate further about how right they are.
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#248 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 08:26 PM
 
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Thank You GalateaDunkel!!!!!!!
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#249 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 09:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I reject the whole idea, which keeps getting repeated in different forms by different posters, that by endorsing a certain standard of behavior I am setting up my child for damage if she chooses not to follow that standard. That makes no sense at all. I am sorry for people who had negative experiences with shaming, misogynistic concepts of "virginity," etc., but that's not what people on this thread are talking about. My love and respect for my child is unconditional and doesn't depend on her following certain standards, which I have chosen for myself and which I understand not everybody shares. We live in a diverse, open society and my child, as she grows, might find another set of standards more compelling. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to share what I believe with her, and the reasons for it. Which includes the expectation that she will follow those standards as long as she is a dependent minor under my roof.

On the other hand, given the very personal nature of the matter and the strength of the passions involved, I will make sure she knows how to protect herself physically if she rejects my attempt to protect her spiritually and emotionally. Actually, I believe that the message to delay sex and the message to use protection can be presented in a mutually reinforcing way: with an understanding that sex is serious stuff, to be approached with caution, and that the best protection is to wait, if possible, until one is in a better position to assume the attendant risks. That is, until one is a mature and independent adult.

Frankly, I think this whole thread is a bit of a set-up. A poll is supposed to get a variety of opinions, but opinions that differ have been systematically shot down rather than, IMO, authentically engaged. I feel like rather than being heard, we have just been set up as an opportunity for the OP and others to pontificate further about how right they are.
Very nicely put.

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#250 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 09:45 PM
 
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So now my kids are predators because they have Y chromosomes? That's rather insulting.
What? I think that you are taking my comment out of it's context. I am talking about the way that MANY girls of taken advantage of by boys and men. There's no denying that one. Boys are taken advantage, too. But we were talking about girls, I thought (in relation to the OP's dd). I have a son.

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#251 of 325 Old 07-24-2007, 09:58 PM
 
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I'm confused. From the poll, it looks like we're pretty evenly split up. Some of us may be a little more vocal than others, and I think a couple of people feel like their opinions were discounted...but I think most viewpoints are represented here.

Several people made some interesting points. (and not just the ones I agreed with)

I think no matter how you word a poll, there are going to be some bizzarro answers like mine that really don't 'fit' no matter what you do.

I don't think I'm puritanical in the least, but I don't want my children having sex in my house.

I think it is silly to value virginity in girls and not in boys. In our litigious society, I think parents of boys are just as concerned about unplanned pregnancies for financial reasons as for moral ones. We don't want our children having sex because we don't want to be financially responsible, which legally we could be.

Some of my opinions match those of others here, some don't. But I don't feel like the poll is a set up, really. Everyone has had an opportunity to speak their mind, haven't they?

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#252 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 12:40 AM
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I reject the whole idea, which keeps getting repeated in different forms by different posters, that by endorsing a certain standard of behavior I am setting up my child for damage if she chooses not to follow that standard. That makes no sense at all. I am sorry for people who had negative experiences with shaming, misogynistic concepts of "virginity," etc., but that's not what people on this thread are talking about. My love and respect for my child is unconditional and doesn't depend on her following certain standards, which I have chosen for myself and which I understand not everybody shares. We live in a diverse, open society and my child, as she grows, might find another set of standards more compelling. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to share what I believe with her, and the reasons for it. Which includes the expectation that she will follow those standards as long as she is a dependent minor under my roof.
.
:


And to also point out from a pp, there is the consideration of brain development. The brain is not fully done until later in the teens. There is a reason why the age of 18 was picked to be legally an adult. There might be a reason why kids under that age are not legally able to sign contracts, get credit cards, open bank accounts and any number of other things. It is the reason why courts in general do not charge those under 18 as an adult. I'm not saying all teens are incapable of foreseeing consequences. Most are able to come to many sound conclusions. It's just that waiting and getting a little more life experience coupled with the last minute tuning going on in the brain, sounds like some what of a good idea... just of course my opinion.

The teen years are such a time of change that maybe getting comfortable in your own skin before someone else does too would be a good idea, imo of course.

And in my house, there are indeed values I want my dc to have about sex. That along with the above, push me to discuss waiting for sex until at least done with hs as ideal, imo.

As previously said- if something else worked for you, great. If something else works for your dc, wonderful.
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#253 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 01:00 AM
 
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But we were talking about girls, I thought (in relation to the OP's dd).
I thought we were talking about teens, like the thread title says.
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#254 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 03:04 AM
 
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My love and respect for my child is unconditional and doesn't depend on her following certain standards, which I have chosen for myself and which I understand not everybody shares. We live in a diverse, open society and my child, as she grows, might find another set of standards more compelling. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to share what I believe with her, and the reasons for it. Which includes the expectation that she will follow those standards as long as she is a dependent minor under my roof.
I just think that sharing your beliefs or opinions is quite a ways from "my house, my rules". The whole "as long as you live under my roof, you live under my rules" thing always seemed rather unfair to me. I was never a huge fan of dictatorship. Also, it was the biggest reason I was living under a roof of my very own at the age of 15. My mother may have been fairly lax about the sex issue, but that attitude leaked over to other parts of our lives, and eventually I chose to live on my own. I suppose people have the right to make demands such as that, but they shouldn't be too surprised if the kids choose to leave the house. No matter how much parents don't like it, kids will sometimes make different decisions.

Personally, I'd let quite a few differing opinions fly rather than have my kids move out at that age. I don't need to be in control of their lives, I'd rather support them through a less than perfect (in my eyes anyway) decision than basically drive them out by denying them the right to live the way they see fit. If there's nothing criminal or outright dangerous going on, I don't see myself getting into a power struggle. They rarely benefit anyone.
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#255 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 03:16 AM
 
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Personally, I'd let quite a few differing opinions fly rather than have my kids move out at that age. I don't need to be in control of their lives, I'd rather support them through a less than perfect (in my eyes anyway) decision than basically drive them out by denying them the right to live the way they see fit. If there's nothing criminal or outright dangerous going on, I don't see myself getting into a power struggle. They rarely benefit anyone.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I try to live like this. There are occasionally times when I get irked about stuff ( - the hospitality issues thread); but that is sometimes part of the process in finding out how all can live together. Some families probably do this better than others. I do not mean to side-track the thread from sex...so maybe I will copy this over to a new thread.

Also wanted to respond to the different opinions. I think when you have different views on important issues, the opposing viewpoints have pointed disagreements. They are not personal insults -- just pointed disagreements, otherwise they wouldn't be opposing opinions.

Better not to take things personally.
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#256 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 04:44 AM
 
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At least 16, in a serious relationship, and where ever they are safe and protected to do so. That said, inwardly, I'm screaming "wait til you're in your 20's!!!!"

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#257 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 05:46 AM
 
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i have only boys, a toddler and a nb..but ive been having sex with their dad since i was 14, he was 17. were 20 and 23 now.
no, not married.. my mom tried to keep us apart when i was 15..some of 14 and all of 15. guess what, i spent the night at my friends and she et him stay too, or told my mom i ws sick when i knew shed be gone a long time and call him to come over...
i think she noticed we werent giving up, and my 16th bday she asked him if he would like to help take care of my mostly disabled granddad sometimes on the weekends..he said yes, he started staying a lot of weekend. it then spread to ya know..thurs-sun then thurs-mon, then just most of the time, and then his dad moved, so he moved in all the way when i was 16 and umm 3.5 months?
yeah, i got pregnant with him living here, fter a year, but i had been pregnant before (mc)when were being forced to sneak around majorly if we wanted to see each other any time other than school (where we had to RUN to see each other until he got his lunch switched because we never had classes near each other.) so its not i ONLY got pregnant, or ONLY had sex because he moved in...wed been having sex almost 2 years by then.

he had his own room and werent allowed to spend the night in each others rooms...but we started sleeping in the living room. one on the couch, the other on the floor, and we switched.
then when i got pregnant, we started both sleeping on the couch together, and then we got into a huge fight with my brothers dad and holed ourselves up in what had been his room, and slept in the same bed. my mom will still complain about that, we werent supposed to be sleeping together. im like "um, i was already pregnant, and you knew it, im not getting pregnant AGAIN so whats the difference when that was the only reason we werent allowed to sleep together?"

so im not going to try and be all like "you have to wait until marriage or else" but i do hope theyre in at least a loving relationship...other than that i dont know anything else of what i will/wont be like
i guess ill help with condoms or whatever, but if i ever did have a girl, im WAY against anything hormonal, for lots of reasons, so im not sure there...i guess more with the condoms and maybe educating about spermicide or sponges or something. we never used anything. well..weve used condoms umm..less than 8% of the time in 6 years. i did do FAM for a long time after mcing until getting pregnant with our 2yo though...that isnt going to help a boy LOL

and im not sure about the in the house thing...it would depend on how many rooms, etc... i dont want to walk in or hear it, LOL but other than that, as long as they care for the person im not going to care as much,as say i would if they just brought home random girls, kwim?

and uhh..MOST of america, the legal age of consent is 16.
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#258 of 325 Old 07-25-2007, 06:24 AM
 
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Originally Posted by GalateaDunkel View Post
I reject the whole idea, which keeps getting repeated in different forms by different posters, that by endorsing a certain standard of behavior I am setting up my child for damage if she chooses not to follow that standard. That makes no sense at all. I am sorry for people who had negative experiences with shaming, misogynistic concepts of "virginity," etc., but that's not what people on this thread are talking about. My love and respect for my child is unconditional and doesn't depend on her following certain standards, which I have chosen for myself and which I understand not everybody shares. We live in a diverse, open society and my child, as she grows, might find another set of standards more compelling. That doesn't mean I don't have the right to share what I believe with her, and the reasons for it. Which includes the expectation that she will follow those standards as long as she is a dependent minor under my roof.

On the other hand, given the very personal nature of the matter and the strength of the passions involved, I will make sure she knows how to protect herself physically if she rejects my attempt to protect her spiritually and emotionally. Actually, I believe that the message to delay sex and the message to use protection can be presented in a mutually reinforcing way: with an understanding that sex is serious stuff, to be approached with caution, and that the best protection is to wait, if possible, until one is in a better position to assume the attendant risks. That is, until one is a mature and independent adult.

Frankly, I think this whole thread is a bit of a set-up. A poll is supposed to get a variety of opinions, but opinions that differ have been systematically shot down rather than, IMO, authentically engaged. I feel like rather than being heard, we have just been set up as an opportunity for the OP and others to pontificate further about how right they are.
Excellent post! You've articulated much of what I was thinking about this issue.

I believe delaying sex deserves as much consideration and appreciation as the decision to not wait does.

There is no right or wrong on this issue. We have different viewpoints. If the OP and others are comfortable with their teenager having sex in their house then that's fine by me. It's not my child. It's not my house. I'm not going to convince you otherwise because it's not my place to do so. I trust you're making the right choices for your family in accordance with your values. And I don't understand the need to change the minds of those of us who have a different viewpoint. I see mamas posting a contrary viewpoint and getting shot down. Why is it important to you that your way of raising your child be the way other people who should raise theirs? We can all agree to disagree, can't we?

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#259 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 01:18 AM
 
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I have to say that I fall in the camp of seeing nothing wrong with allowing teens to have a healthy sexual relationship at home rather than out somewhere that things can go wrong. I would MUCH rather that happen than all the bad things that could happen otherwise. I think mamakarata made the VERY right decision and am happy that she is happy for the kids!

GOOD FOR YOU, mamakarata!!
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#260 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 03:02 AM
 
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Wow....leave the thread for a couple days and come back and it's exploded!

I think this has been an awesome thread and I've enjoyed reading it and being in it.

I have these thoughts on rape and this is what I teach my children. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and violence. Rape is taking power over someone's body, trying to take something that you can't take, true love, has to be given from the heart and soul, willingly. It is a spiritual bond where the two souls meet, it must be willingly on both sides. When a person is raped, they are still pure in God's eyes. Virginity is something that you willingly give over, something sacred that you can choose to save for the person you are going to spend your life with. The rape is about violence, and violence is an ugly abuse of power. It is not on the same spiritual level as love and sex in relationships.
It doesn't count. A person who has been raped can consider themselves a virgin when the find their soulmate and give themselves to them.
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#261 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 11:20 AM
 
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Wow....leave the thread for a couple days and come back and it's exploded!

I think this has been an awesome thread and I've enjoyed reading it and being in it.

I have these thoughts on rape and this is what I teach my children. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and violence. Rape is taking power over someone's body, trying to take something that you can't take, true love, has to be given from the heart and soul, willingly. It is a spiritual bond where the two souls meet, it must be willingly on both sides. When a person is raped, they are still pure in God's eyes. Virginity is something that you willingly give over, something sacred that you can choose to save for the person you are going to spend your life with. The rape is about violence, and violence is an ugly abuse of power. It is not on the same spiritual level as love and sex in relationships.
It doesn't count. A person who has been raped can consider themselves a virgin when the find their soulmate and give themselves to them.
That's all fine and well, but what about perfectly consentual sex with someone you don't necessarily consider your soulmate or whatever (personally I don't subscribe to the soulmate belief, but I know many people do)? I don't see the point of telling people they're not pure just because they had sex with someone. I don't really consider myself dirty even though I've had sex without being married, and even with people I wasn't in any kind of emotional relationship with (and frankly I find the notion insulting). The only thing that I can see happening when value is placed on virginity is that people who choose to have sex will feel like they're not worth as much anymore. They're impure, dirty, damaged goods, used, a popped cherry.

I feel very strongly that people shouldn't have to feel guilty or dirty for the decisions they make, as long as they're not hurting anyone. And I find it very disempowering and frankly demeaning to tell people that the only way to remain pure is to stay a virgin until they find their One True Love. That idea might have worked better back when people generally got married at a much younger age. Where I live, the average age at first marriage for men is 30.6 and for women 28.4. That's slightly different from the ages people usually were when they got married when the "no sex before marriage" rule was coined. In fact, in a great lot of the marriages back a while, at least one of the pair would be under the age of consent as it is in many countries nowadays.

Another pp asked why we in the other camp wrt sex want the right to raise our kids they way we want to but wouldn't like others to have the same right. For myself, I can say that I really do not have anything against stating your opinion to your kids. As in, "I think sex is best left for marriage, and here are my reasons". What I do have an issue with is judging those who choose to have sex as "impure". I have nothing against people waiting until marriage, and would never say that kids should be encouraged to do it either. And I would also like it if people didn't call me or my kids (should they choose to have sex) impure or teach their kids such judgement.

It's no different from a father of a friend of mine, who is an atheist. His kids were exposed to a lot of scoffing about religious people, and I believe that's equally wrong. He judged people as worth less and a bit stupid if they believed in a god. If he'd said "I don't believe in any gods, and this is why" it would have been fine in my book. I can agree to disagree with people when it's just opinions about things. It's the devaluing of people based on their beliefs or actions that gets to me.

To put it simply, I'm not going to teach my kids to judge people who do wait, and I'd like my kids to have the same right not to be judged, whatever their decision is.
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#262 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 12:11 PM
 
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That's all fine and well, but what about perfectly consentual sex with someone you don't necessarily consider your soulmate or whatever (personally I don't subscribe to the soulmate belief, but I know many people do)?
So promote casual sex to teens? We are talking about TEENS in this thread. A teen with multiple partners before they are actually mature enough is, IMO, more at a risk to develop an unhealthy attitude toward sex than one who waits. Not even necessarily until marriage but at least until after they are ruled by hormones. This goes along with my wanting to teach my child not to be ruled by their urges.

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I feel very strongly that people shouldn't have to feel guilty or dirty for the decisions they make, as long as they're not hurting anyone. .
There are lots of things that don't "hurt" anyone that I consider to be wrong or not in my child's best interest.

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#263 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 04:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I believe delaying sex deserves as much consideration and appreciation as the decision to not wait does.

There is no right or wrong on this issue. We have different viewpoints. If the OP and others are comfortable with their teenager having sex in their house then that's fine by me. It's not my child. It's not my house. I'm not going to convince you otherwise because it's not my place to do so. I trust you're making the right choices for your family in accordance with your values. And I don't understand the need to change the minds of those of us who have a different viewpoint. I see mamas posting a contrary viewpoint and getting shot down. Why is it important to you that your way of raising your child be the way other people who should raise theirs? We can all agree to disagree, can't we?
I agree, I agree I agree. We don't have to agree!
All perspectives will help us ALL in the end I think. I still have a 5 yo son, and I guarantee you, ALL perspectives have been very helpful to me. I only *think* I've got it all figured out, but surely DS will be a whole new ball of wax. Because he has been so far!

But I'm still here! Still offering my perspective. Still hearing others.
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#264 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 04:55 PM
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I voted that I would allow it, and in the house is fine.

I think it's some mighty big assumption to think that parents like myself will just hand a kid some condoms at some pre-determined date and say "there ya go! have fun!"

I will allow it when she's ready. She's not that age yet, but I hope that we will maintain an open and honest enough relationship that she can talk about the enormity of becoming sexually active, the physical and emotional ramifications of sex, and what it really means to be "ready". If, after all of that, she honestly feels ready, then yes, she will likely do it with or without my blessing, so why shame her, scream at her, or punish her for what she intended to do? I'm not just going to throw her on birth control or put condoms out for her for everyone to see, long before she has the inkling to become sexually active or even a partner for which to do it with. There is a big difference between just "being cool with it" and not caring what your kids do sexually, and knowing your kid, teaching them, being able to listen and give advice honestly without shaming, giving them the tools to approach adult life with confidence, and being supportive of a choice they have thought out and acted on responsibly, whether is abstinence or becoming sexually active.
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#265 of 325 Old 07-26-2007, 06:06 PM
 
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I think it's sad that you feel like you missed out on something. I think it also speaks to this current culture of endorsing casual sex for just the reasons you stated.
Ha ha, no. I am not plugged into contemporary culture at all (don't even own a TV, watch a movie a year, read books that were pretty much all written prior to 1950 and usually prior to1900).

My regret of not having sex with boy/guyfriends in college is about me now not being as free or comfortable with sex as I'd like. I missed out on experiences and connections that could have enriched my life in important ways.
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#266 of 325 Old 07-27-2007, 03:32 AM
 
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So promote casual sex to teens? We are talking about TEENS in this thread. A teen with multiple partners before they are actually mature enough is, IMO, more at a risk to develop an unhealthy attitude toward sex than one who waits. Not even necessarily until marriage but at least until after they are ruled by hormones. This goes along with my wanting to teach my child not to be ruled by their urges.
There's quite a lot of wiggle room between saying that having sex makes you impure and promoting casual sex to teenagers. I am definitely not in favour of pushing a kid to have sex before they're ready, but I'm really not into the whole purity thing either. That teaches kids that they're only worth a partner if they're not used. And if that's not objectifying, I don't know what is.


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There are lots of things that don't "hurt" anyone that I consider to be wrong or not in my child's best interest.
And that's fine. Obviously it's good to share your opinion with your kid, but telling them that their worth (or purity, which really amounts to the same thing here) is linked to whether they do things your way or not is in a completely different league.

Let me reiterate that all people are of course entitled to their opinions about things. But I don't think anyone is entitled to placing judgement of value on another human being based on race, religion, sexual status, or the choices they make. Really, it's no different than telling your kid that people who follow a different religion are dirty and disgusting. The religion might not be good for you, and you might think it's not in your child's best interest. You might even be right. But raising yourself on a platform of purity because of your beliefs is just taking it a bit far. Again, there's a huge difference between "this is what I believe and here are my reasons" and "I believe this and if you don't follow it, you're impure".
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#267 of 325 Old 07-27-2007, 05:57 AM
 
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anubis. I'm sorry if the word pure offends you but this is one area where you will find that other's beliefs deserve to be respected like any other lifestyle choice would be and you will probably never change someone's beliefs on this issue. These beliefs are deeply rooted in spirtuality.

The whole story of the bride and groom in the Bible is a mystery and a picture of Jesus Christ and the Church, The bride is presented pure, as a virgin in a white gown (representing purity) to her husband, and her husband is willing to die for her. The church is to present themselves holy unto Jesus Christ (following him) and he is called in the Bible the bridegroom, and he dies for his bride so that she can live, then raises from the dead and comes back for his bride. It is a special spiritual picture to those that believe it and you scoffing or being offended at the concept of purity is never going to change anyones beliefs who believes this way. It in no way is meant to condemn anyone for being unpure. I live my life without judgement of others and leave the judging to God.

I believe this concept of purity and don't think of sex is dirty or ever think of people as impure myself. You took it that way, i think, and all I was saying is that someone who has the belief system of purity twards God, does not have to count rape as losing that. This is comforting for some people, but if it offends someone, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend with my beliefs but that doesn't mean I'm going to change mine for you on something so precious as this. If you don't have a belief that way it is fine, but some people do.

You were talking about a sexually active teen as one who had been raped and even with the religious aspects out of it, and take the whole word pure out of the conversation like I never said it, I still think rape doesn't count and would continue to tell that to any rape victim.
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#268 of 325 Old 07-27-2007, 10:35 AM
 
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There's quite a lot of wiggle room between saying that having sex makes you impure and promoting casual sex to teenagers.
I personally never said anything about pure or impure so I am not sure what point you are trying to make here. You said you saw nothing wrong with
having sex "even with people I wasn't in any kind of emotional relationship with". and it sounded a lot like casual sex to me so I was asking how that belief would translate into a conversation to a teen about sex (to keep with the topic of the thread). No judgment just furthering the discussion.

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I am definitely not in favour of pushing a kid to have sex before they're ready
, but I'm really not into the whole purity thing either. That teaches kids that they're only worth a partner if they're not used. And if that's not objectifying, I don't know what is.
And that's fine. Obviously it's good to share your opinion with your kid, but telling them that their worth (or purity, which really amounts to the same thing here) is linked to whether they do things your way or not is in a completely different league.
You are really fixated on this "pure" thing and seem to be saying that to encourage a teen to wait automoatically means that you will simultaneously be telling them that if they don’t they are dirty and worthless. I don’t see that as two things that HAVE to happen together. In fact I would make a conscious effort to ensure my child knows that that is NOT true. So in that regard we are not disagreeing, because I think that tying up self worth with ANY outward act is wrong because we are bound to fall short sometimes, if not often!

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#269 of 325 Old 07-27-2007, 10:48 AM
 
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Ha ha, no. I am not plugged into contemporary culture at all (don't even own a TV, watch a movie a year, read books that were pretty much all written prior to 1950 and usually prior to1900).

My regret of not having sex with boy/guyfriends in college is about me now not being as free or comfortable with sex as I'd like. I missed out on experiences and connections that could have enriched my life in important ways.
Thanks for clarifying. That makes sense to me.

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#270 of 325 Old 07-27-2007, 02:59 PM
 
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I agree that we would not make someone feel dirty or impure about having sex, yuk. I know some people do, but we wouldn't do that. We are not flipping a coin on the purity issue, we talk about purity, but we do not talk about the flip side as being impure. We talk about choosing to not follow Gods plan like it is a different lifestyle choice, or something like that, and we would respect their choices for their own life and body....except....it is really hard to balance that if you have a teen who has been raped, they are known to act out more sexually as a result and to hand them condoms and give them freedom to have sex in the house, might not be in their best interest. Did you ever think of it that way from the abuse standpoint?
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