How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How comfortable are you with a sexually active teen?
After marriage only! 122 21.82%
After out of the house or away in school! 52 9.30%
Maybe after a certain age but spare me any knowledge of it! 25 4.47%
After open discussions of the natural consequence, but not in the house please! 137 24.51%
After open discussions of the natural consequence and in the home is fine! 151 27.01%
Whenever or wherever is fine by me. 10 1.79%
None of these fit my opinion (I may elaborate below) 62 11.09%
Voters: 559. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 325 Old 07-16-2007, 11:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Curious as to how others feel about this seemingly touchy subject. My dd is 16 and has been dating a boy for 6 months. After years of sex talks with her, we now allow her boyfriend to spend the night.

It is really hard for many parents to deal with this. Especially the parents of her closest friends.

I can write a chapter to attest to her excellent grades and positive characteristics, and aspirations, which I find myself listing off in my head in all of those "would be" confrontations of the above mentioned parents.

But even that isn't completely relevant in my mind. Our relationship has allowed me to have an understanding with who she is and why she feels ready and willing to accept the responsibility of being sexually active.

And at this point, we had to ask ourselves, would it be less self respecting that she must sneak to find a place in the back of a car or who knows where, or to allow her the freedom and privacy (along with plenty of protection) to be safe in her own home?

Fortunately, the boyfriends mom feels the same way, and they are both very happy and content! I am, quite frankly, happy for her!

Is that so strange?

I will only add that we don't allow drugs or alcohol at all as it clouds the judgment and is a major deal breaker for allowing ANY friends over.

As the saying goes "pick your fights carefully" and for us that is firm boundary.
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#2 of 325 Old 07-16-2007, 11:31 PM
 
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You allow her bf to spend the night? For me that would be way too weird. Honestly, you are condoning statutory rape, and I don't know the legal reprecussions should (god forbid) something ever happen. Can you really sleep at night thinking about what freaky things are going on in there?

I spent the night with male friends when I was your dd's age and even younger. But we weren't doing anything together, and their parents were there and we could not sleep in the same room and were watched, which I didn't mind at all.

So, yes, I think it's strange. I wouldn't feel comfortable with my own children in that situation even if they were 30 and married, though.

I wanted to add that my ex's mom let me stay the night. I had my first dd at 16 (born at 17). Though it could have happened anywhere, technically, it was a thousand times less likely in our case. She also let her youngest dd have bfs spend the night which weirded me out once I had kids of my own.

And though I'm sure your dd's friends think you are the coolest mom ever for allowing it, it isn't because of your great communication. I remember those days. Though every teen is different...but I can't blame their parents for being concerned. I mean, can you blame them for thinking that if their kids spend the night you won't let all of their bfs spend the night and do things they do not condone?

Luckily I am not to the sex conversation with my own kids, but my brothers who I practically raised are teens (12-17) and I talk to them about it. I just think our society is over-sexed in a bad way that teens are pressured into being sexual beings before they are ready and used by boys, not to mention STDs which birth control and condoms just don't cover all of. I would be extremely disappointed in my kids and brothers if they took any of the risks I did when I was younger. And I was the prude of the bunch (which is saying something)and thought I knew my stuff! But if I knew half then what I do now....

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#3 of 325 Old 07-16-2007, 11:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yeah, sex is "pretty freaky!"
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#4 of 325 Old 07-16-2007, 11:38 PM
 
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My partner and I have talked about it and have reached similar conclusions as you mamakarata.

dnw- how is the op condoning statutory rape

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#5 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:13 AM
 
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My opinion is - they are going to do it anyways - why not safe and sober in your house than drunk in the woods?

I always had an open relationship with my mom and she knew when I was ready to have sex. I responsibly discussed and used B/C (the pill) and condoms. I was 18 and very level headed. I didn’t do it my mom’s house, but then, my b/f had a bigger home and a car. We dtd in his bedroom with the hockey game on loud.

My mother allowed by sister's bf to move in when they were 15 and 17. She received a lot of criticism for this from family and friends, but my sister was not me. When not at home, my sister could be found drunk and/or stoned at stranger’s apartments in the city, when found at all. My mother moved him in, partly because he was having a hard time at home, and partly because he called my sister down and when she was with him, my mother knew where she was.

For my family, my sisters and I were very different, and my mother did what she thought was best for us, when she could, and what she had to do to survive when she was left with little choice. I will keep communication as open as I can with my child. I think that when my son is of a certain age, I will allow him and his friends privacy in his room.

And I will hope he has the radio loud enough that we don’t hear.

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#6 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:18 AM
 
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dnw- how is the op condoning statutory rape
Statutory rape is sex with a minor. If you are having her bf spend the night, then the 5-O might see that as condoning it. And she never stated the bf's age.

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yeah, sex is "pretty freaky!"
If you do it like I did at that age it is. Or maybe even today. :

Hey, you asked what I thought, I told you from my experiences.

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#7 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:19 AM
 
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Well, I guess it depends on where the person lives. I thought 16 was the age of consent in most states. It is 14 here.

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#8 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:23 AM
 
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14??? Yeah, not in the states. Maybe Arkansas. But I think even that has an age limit with the age of the partner-i.e. the bf over the age of 16, 18, whatever.

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#9 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:24 AM
 
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Yes, but is 16 not the age of consent in most states? And I did not get that the bf was older.

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#10 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:27 AM
 
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Average age here in the states is 18. Even Arkansas is 16 with some exeption (close age of partner?) for down to 14. We don't know how old he is by what she told us. That's why I went on the info I was given. Here is Wikipedia's take:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ages_of...ica#California

California
The age of consent is 18, with defense if the minor has less than 3 years of difference with the major. Penalties increase if the minor is under 16 and the major is above 21.

Texts :


California Penal Code - Part 1. of crimes and punishments -
Title 9. of crimes against the person involving sexual assault, and crimes against public decency and good morals
Chapter 1. Rape, abduction, carnal abuse of children, and seduction. - Section 261.5.

(a) Unlawful sexual intercourse is an act of sexual intercourse accomplished with a person who is not the spouse of the perpetrator, if the person is a minor. For the purposes of this section, a "minor" is a person under the age of 18 years and an "adult" is a person who is at least 18 years of age.
(b) Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is not more than three years older or three years younger than the perpetrator, is guilty of a misdemeanor.
(c) Any person who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is more than three years younger than the perpetrator is guilty of either a misdemeanor or a felony, and shall be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or by imprisonment in the state prison.
(d) Any person 21 years of age or older who engages in an act of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor who is under 16 years of age is guilty of either a misdemeanor or a felony, and shall be punished by imprisonment in a county jail not exceeding one year, or by imprisonment in the state prison for two, three, or four years.

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#11 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:28 AM
 
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i definitely would not be comfortable with that. no way. at 16? i remember being 16, and as mature as they think they are, they don't have a clue. my mother is doing something similar with my 19 yr old sister (who at least is legal), and i find it very strange, if not appalling. it seems to me that the same argument is being used to justify allowing mature and immature teens to have sex at home. makes absolutely no sense to me. sex is not just recreation. there are pretty serious consequences, both physical and emotional, that no amount of birth control can prevent. most girls that i know regret having had sex too soon. i have yet to meet someone who regrets having waited.
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#12 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:35 AM
 
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Considering Alivia is only 2.5...I'm answering on what I *hope* I will do.

I really would prefer my child to be sexually active in a comfortable environment...my house. I don't want my child(ren) to lose their virginity in the back of a hatchback Geo Metro (). Sex is SOOO much better when you are in a comfortable environment. Not saying that sex in a car is ALWAYS bad...it just shouldn't be your only option.

Also, I want birth control to be a thought of, talked about, and PRACTICED action in my house. I don't want it to be anything dangerous, or permanent. But, I am willing to take my child to the doctor for a prescription, or purchasing condoms, etc.



ETA: Sixteen DOES seem young. But by the time I turned 16, I had already had 2 partners. By the time I turned 16.5, I had another partner, and was pregnant. It really depends on the kid. If our parents TALKED to us about doing it (instead of just telling us NOT to) and if EITHER of them had talked to us about birth control, chances are, we would have taken them up on the offer. We didn't WANT to get pregnant, but we wanted to have sex. We lived in separate towns and neither of us drove. We relied on our parents for all transportation, and both moms went through our rooms. Even if we would have WALKED to pick up condoms, then chances are, they would have been found and then we would have been prevented from seeing each other. I also lived about 30+ minutes from the closest Planned Parenthood, so I couldn't get a prescription for the pill.
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#13 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:35 AM
 
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My opinion is - they are going to do it anyways - why not safe and sober in your house than drunk in the woods?
I am not too keen on the "they are going to do it anyway" line of thinking. Some kids will....some will not. I think if you keep the temptations down (such as lots of alone time) it is easier for teens to say no to things such as sex. Does it prevent it all the time? Nope. Is it something they may choose anyway? Yep.

I never had sex with anyone other than my spouse...though we didn't wait for marriage. I have never tasted beer in my almost 34 years on the earth and I didn't learn what marijuana even smelled like until I was in my 20's. The idea that everyone is doing it doesn't give teens enough credit in their ability to control themselves if they so choose to.

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#14 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:46 AM
 
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I voted after marriage. I feel like we are very liberal in many areas but in our culture (just our nuclear family) we have certain beliefs about how we were going to raise our children and one of them goes almost back to the judeo christian values which goes back to the jewish and muslim type values that consider (not that our girls are property-that sounds really not politically correct...yikes) but more that they belong to our family, to us as parents, and it is highly disrespectful to talk to our daughter on the phone, ask her to date, etc. without our permission or consent. It's like stealing to do that in our opinion. We want our daughters to focus on school and their education like at our oldest dd's age now which is 13. We believe that dating is in preparation for a lifelong commitment to that one person you want to make a life and raise children with. The traditional marriage ceremony we use is the father and mother giving the bride away to the groom, as if to say, we have taken care of our child and now we are entrusting her care to you. It is very special and sacred to us. To be sexually active before marriage would be giving this special part of yourself away, and bypassing the giving respect to the parents and the part we take in that process. Part of this process is a protection, and there is more safety and security in doing things this way we think.
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#15 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:48 AM
 
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My boyfriend lived with our family briefly when I was 17. We were not sexually active at the time, and it was to allow him to have a job and save for college (his parents lived in the country and he didn't have access to a car).

My mom was very open about sex, and put all three of us on birth control when we were ready. She picks up my sisters' pills still (they are in university, and she delivers them when she visits). I hope to be as open, and in some ways more open than her.

Statistics show that a girl is more likely to have an unwanted pregnancy if she has a negative attitude to sex (because, presumably, she is less likely to use reliable, consistant birth control). I would rather my child made an informed descision free from outside pressure from boyfriend/girlfriend/parents I want them to be mature and informed enough to be able to do that. I think it is possible, and I was able to make those descisions at 16, because I was raised to. And FWIW, I chose not to have physical relationships at all at 16. Having the choice intrusted in me didn't make me move faster. If anything, it made me wait longer, because I had the confidence to say no.
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#16 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:52 AM
 
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Statistics show that a girl is more likely to have an unwanted pregnancy if she has a negative attitude to sex (because, presumably, she is less likely to use reliable, consistant birth control).
Interested in seeing the source for this statistic, please.

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#17 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:56 AM
 
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I am not too keen on the "they are going to do it anyway" line of thinking. Some kids will....some will not. I think if you keep the temptations down (such as lots of alone time) it is easier for teens to say no to things such as sex. Does it prevent it all the time? Nope. Is it something they may choose anyway? Yep.
Some kids will ,some kids will not.True.But if your kid is telling you I'm going to.Then what?I think that is the situation the OP is talking about.

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#18 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:56 AM
 
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Interested in seeing the source for this statistic, please.
Give me time, I will look. It was in a study we looked at in my Human Sexual Behaviour class at university. I think I have a list of references still, but its been about 5 years.... But I work 11 hours tomorrow, so give me a few days.
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#19 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 12:57 AM
 
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I am really surprised that seven people voted after marriage. I guess I run with a more liberal crowd.

I'd be fine with it - or at least I think I will be. My girls are 11, 7 and 4. A friend with an 18 y.o. dd tells me I'll think differently when they are teenagers. I guess it is possible.

I am of the same thought process as the OP. Kids have sex. They can have it with your knowledge or without. They can have it in your house (even if you don't think they are or you forbid it) or in a car or outside or at the other kid's house.

As long as they are respectful (discreet) and using protection (and of course assuming the boy is nice to her - regardless of how he dresses or what grades he gets or which side of the tracks he is from), I really think I'll be fine with it.
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#20 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:01 AM
 
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Interested in seeing the source for this statistic, please.
Me, too. My mom was WAY too open and I had birth control very much so available to me with basically no effort at all.

Now I can see the "abstinence only" research that shows that they are much less educated and the rates for pregnancy and STDs are higher, but we were *very* liberal growing up, and so were my other very active friends.

And from what I hear from my bros and others, things are getting a lot wilder nowadays.

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#21 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:02 AM
 
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This is kind of a difficult one for me. FWIW, I will be teaching my children to wait until marriage to have sex, because I believe that this is the best way. However, I didn't follow that, and my current children know that, b/c they were both conceived with my high school boyfriend. They know that my current dh is not their father, though he has raised them and they call him dad. So, I am not going to be hypocritical and do the whole "do as I say not as I do" thing. I despise that attitude.

If, despite what I tell them, they do choose to have sex outside of marriage, I would ask that they refrain from doing it in the house. I will provide complete and accurate information about birth control, condoms, and STDs to them, and I would never turn them away if they got pregnant, of if any future son of mine impregnants a girl. After all, I got pregnant as a teen and it was the best thing to ever happen to me, so I would support my pregnant daughter in every way I could.

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#22 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:06 AM
 
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This is kind of a difficult one for me. FWIW, I will be teaching my children to wait until marriage to have sex, because I believe that this is the best way. However, I didn't follow that, and my current children know that, b/c they were both conceived with my high school boyfriend. They know that my current dh is not their father, though he has raised them and they call him dad. So, I am not going to be hypocritical and do the whole "do as I say not as I do" thing. I despise that attitude.

If, despite what I tell them, they do choose to have sex outside of marriage, I would ask that they refrain from doing it in the house. I will provide complete and accurate information about birth control, condoms, and STDs to them, and I would never turn them away if they got pregnant, of if any future son of mine impregnants a girl. After all, I got pregnant as a teen and it was the best thing to ever happen to me, so I would support my pregnant daughter in every way I could.
I agree. I don't care about waiting for marriage, as I believe in testing the mattress before you buy it , but I would never encourage them to be as sexually liberal as I was and take the horrible chances I did, but to wait for a very special person. Many people's firsts are horrible experiences, I don't want that for my kids, too. I want it to be something they enjoy and are responsible about. Of course I would have to have a talk with my kids' partners about how if they give my kids STDs or cheat on them, my dh will be whittling with his rifle on the porch.

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#23 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:08 AM
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I am really surprised that seven people voted after marriage. I guess I run with a more liberal crowd.
I am too. Really shocked, actually.

I voted in my home (but preferably not while I was there. I am very liberal, but not so much so that I want to risk hearing it or accidentally walking in on it, lol).

If there is no age difference, but they are under the age of consent (which is very much a double edged sword, btw) then I'm not sure the "5-0" would/could do anything. Assuming they're the same age or very close in age, she could be charged as readily as he for statutory rape.

At 16 I was a mother (and a damn good one, in case you were wondering ), hardly an immature child. Some teens are very immature and irresponsible. Some aren't. I've known teens who paid the bills and raised their siblings or children on their own. Don't tell me they shouldn't have the right to decide when and where to have sex, that's bs.

...anyway, getting off my soapbox here...

To the OP-I think what you're doing is unconventional for sure, but not strange. If it helps you at all, on the rare occasions that my then bf slept over, I'm not sure we even had sex. It was in his car, at a motel, and other places that we had sex. (I think I was too worried about getting caught at my parents house while they were home...that and maybe I felt bad).
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#24 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:08 AM
 
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Some kids will ,some kids will not.True.But if your kid is telling you I'm going to.Then what?I think that is the situation the OP is talking about.
Telling me they are interested in actually having a sexual relationship is much different than the assumption kids will do it anyway.

If my children come to me and want to start a sexual relationship as a teen, then we will have a discussion and go from there. I really can't say exactly how it would go as I haven't BTDT. I am open with my kids about sex and I will be equally open with them about my concerns/opinions about sex as a teen. Honestly, we already talk about some of this stuff anyway....depending on which child it is.

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#25 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:11 AM
 
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At 16 I was a mother (and a damn good one, in case you were wondering ), hardly an immature child. Some teens are very immature and irresponsible. Some aren't. I've known teens who paid the bills and raised their siblings or children on their own. Don't tell me they shouldn't have the right to decide when and where to have sex, that's bs.
So was I. But I certainly was not your conventional teen (except, apparently when it came to sex!). But no, I don't think that every teen should have the right to mate anywhere, anytime. Becoming a parent and facing the responsibilites most teens never have to know is a lot different than your average teen who knows everything.

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#26 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:15 AM
 
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UGGGH. I do not like the pill. I think it causes health problems. If my daughter was going to do go against all of our beliefs and values and become sexually active anyway, I would put her on birth control other than the pill, not sure what, and teach her safe sex (already talked about safe sex). The only thing is, I am not sure what kind of birth control would be safe for a mercury toxic chelating, young 13 year old and up girl, that doesn't take a lot of maturity to use, etc.

I have some friends that automatically put their children on the pill at age 12 and then act like this whole sex thing gives them no worries. At least the teen pregnancy part.
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#27 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:15 AM
 
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mamakarata, it sounds like you have a wonderful, loving and respectful relationship with your daughter. I love to hear about close relationships between moms and teen daughters--you hear so many of the horror stories.

My oldest is 14. Right now, she's still far from being ready for a sexual relationship. But... so much changes so quickly at this age. It's hard for me to answer the poll because my comfort level would depend greatly on my perception of the relationship.
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#28 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:17 AM
 
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Not in my house.

I plan on teaching abstinance until marraige, fidelity after. Call me a fundie, but that's what I believe. That does not mean I am sexually uptight repressed or naive. HARDLY.

I'd like to spare my daughter a teen pregnancy and my unborn son STDs.

I will educate them about sex, teach them how their bodies were made to feel good, and that is a wonderful God given blessing. Because for me it is a blessing from the Lord.

I plan to teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves. That does not mean I support it. I frankly see allowing a sexual partner to spend the night with a 16 year old permissive to the nth degree, and not something which will happen in my home. Old enough and mature enough to have sex, old enough to afford a hotel room.
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#29 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:22 AM
 
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I forgot to add, I would be upset if my children have children before they finish chelating the mercury, lead, and other toxic heavy elements out of their bodies first. It would be irresponsible, with the knowledge we have now to do so. So the whole being sexually active thing before chelation is another issue.
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#30 of 325 Old 07-17-2007, 01:22 AM
 
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I am somewhere in the middle on this issue. I think sex is a natural part of being a human being and different people are ready at different ages just like any other part of human development. I believe I will be realistic about my childrens' desire to have sex in their teen years- I know I wanted to have it when I was 16/17!

With that said, I will place a huge emphasis during sex education discussions in the preceeding years about what a wonderful aspect sex is of a committed, stable relationship. I will stress how important I think having an emotional committment to your partner is prior to engaging in a sexual/physical relationship.

So, if my daughter at 16 wanted to have a sexual relationship I would try and help her be as educated and safe as possible to make choices to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STDs. I just don't think I could go as far as facillitating the sex in my own home, though! *I* wouldn't be comfortable with a boyfriend sleeping over with her at age 16 so it just wouldn't happen.

"Hey, I've got nothin' to do today but smile." - S & G
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