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#121 of 142 Old 08-28-2007, 11:20 PM
 
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I was also one of those girls who regretted it. I started @ 14. I was pregnant in 3 mo. I miscarried, after I was pulled out of my freshman year and put in the school for prego teens. I was not mature enough to ever demand anything for myself. Boys don't like to use condoms, and alot of young girls won't make them. I had many years of experimentation that led to many regretful mornings. I had my first child @ 21 and was still probably too young. I was divorced with 2 kids by the time I was 25. I had and still have a nasty custody case that I can't get away from, my kids have a pretty crappy bio dad, again, not demanding anything better because I had no idea what there was, I was just a kid. I think that looking around corners is very difficult for teenagers and being forever linked to your biggest mistake sucks. My husband has the same story, only he is the dad who pays the child support for kids he never sees and is linked to a person whom he wishes he never knew. I know that this really romanticizes sex, but it is reality now, one slip up could mean a lifetime of pain and hardship. There is alot more to sex than just the good feelings, there is the unreturned phone calls and the thinking there was something there that wasn't. Being a teenager is hard enough. Sex complicates everything, it makes you feel different about a person than you would if you were not sexually involved. I have had limited conversations about sex with my 9 year old. I told him the logistics, answered his questions and I told him that it makes you feel things for people you wouldn't feel otherwise and the possibility of being forever linked to a person.
I am not judging parents who let their kids have sex openly, nor do I believe that my boys never will, but I will encourage my kids to explore who thy are and get that figured out before they try to figure sex out. It is pretty complicated if you ask me.
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#122 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 12:30 AM
 
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Did "Of course not" not show up on your screen? I'm more than aware that I should not, could not and would not FORCE any of my children to do anything so serious.

This has really be enlightening. I am finding myself very torn on this. I want to be open and supportive but at the same time, I don't want my kid ending up pregnant in high school. (again, not that I can really prevent her from having sex if I wanted to) Scares the crap out of me.
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#123 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 03:15 AM
 
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Originally Posted by monkeymommy3 View Post
I was also one of those girls who regretted it. I started @ 14. I was pregnant in 3 mo. I miscarried, after I was pulled out of my freshman year and put in the school for prego teens. I was not mature enough to ever demand anything for myself. Boys don't like to use condoms, and alot of young girls won't make them. I had many years of experimentation that led to many regretful mornings. I had my first child @ 21 and was still probably too young. I was divorced with 2 kids by the time I was 25.
I understand where your coming from. I think during the course of this thread the topic has
strayed from the original post. I believe that those who have posted that they would allow
their child to have sex in their home are also talking to their children about risks of being
sexual. I'm actually more concerned for my dd's emotional health regarding sex, than her
physical health. My top wish for her is that she respects herself, knows what she wants,
knows what she doesn't want, and knows how to be vocal on all the above.

I'm also a person who regrets a part of my sexual past as a teen. I don't regret that I had
sex. I do regret that I didn't respect myself as much as I should have been taught to in order
to have a better experience.

So while you and I might not have had a the most positive teen experiences with sex, I don't
think that it's because we were having sex. I believe it's because we didn't have the self
esteem to make the best choices concerning sex.

Regardless if we approve of our children having sex (which really wasn't the original topic)
we need to teach both our sons and daughters that they never should do anything (sexual
or not) they don't personally want to. That sex isn't something to play around with, and that
we should have respect for ourself and for the person we're having sex with. That it's never
okay to pressure your partner into situations they aren't ready for.

We can teach all these lessons without talking about sex. A child with good self esteem, and
healthy sense of themselves will make healthy choices in all areas of their life. If they
sometimes don't they will use it as a learning experience for their future.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#124 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 04:54 AM
 
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And then, rather than taking me to a good gyno, took me to a Planned Parenthood in a rather nasty neighborhood where they were very confrontational, judgmental, and actually told me I had an STD that I did NOT have, as they later found out (I had no symptoms, they simply took a swab, looked at it, put me on harsh antibiotics that made me puke in school, then called back and said there was a mistake and I didn't have anything wrong with me after all. Thanks.)
Wow, I wonder if that's a common scare-tactic they use? The EXACT same thing happened to me when I got an STD test, except at the Health Dept. I walked in telling them I had a UTI, they told me I had and STD that WOULD (not could) cause sterility, I asked how long they said between 2 weeks and six months. Now mind you, my boyfriend was a virgin when we got together, so if I had anything it would have been from about 2 yrs prior, I went home bawling. Then they called back and said, "oh, we were wrong, it was just a UTI."

(Planned Parenthood was actually REALLY cool. I still go there as a married adult even though I have ins and could go anywhere because I trust them there. Even though my favorite nurse has since retired. Besides, having patients with insurance helps their bottom line without costing me a thing.)
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#125 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 08:15 AM
 
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I don't believe that 14 y.o. (or most high school kids) are ready for it. Statistics say that most kids regret their first time. I didn't, and it is because it was with the right person, at the right time, when I was independent and ready, and in love. Seven years later I am still with the same person. All those things rarely add up at 15, or 16. That's my reasoning behind these decisions. I want her decisions based on maturity, and deep connection with the other person, not based on crazed teenage hormones.

Besides, there is only one way to be sure 100% that you are not pregnant, and that is not to have sex. No condom is 100% safe, I wouldn't put my child at this risk at 15, or 16, or 17. I'm not sure I understand parents that would.
I totally agree. I didn't have sex until I was engaged to my 1st husband and still even regretted it.

I have a 14 yo stepson that lives with us full time (his mom is basically out of the picture) and I'm wondering about this issue recently. Of course he hardly listens to me so I would have to prompt my DH to talk to him. Ideally I'd like him to wait until he found Ms. Right and got married, but realistically that's not going to happen. I'd settle for after he moved out and his 1st experience was in a committed relationship. But he's a guy, that probably wouldn't happen either.

Since I don't approve of sex amoung teens sex in my house I would not need to be telling the other parents. There's enough on their mind sex right now would be an overload.

If I did allow sex in my house I would make sure that the other parents knew that where their child was, I'd want to know. This does not include "oh, they're having sex, too". If the child wants to tell their parents that's up to them.

They would be in his room, which is in the basement so we wouldn't hear anything anyway. But you know what? Thinking about this actually happening, I think I would split them up and I'd talk to the gf and DH would talk to ss just to make sure they want to do this and what to do if they changed their mind at the last minute. They'd already know about safety b/c it's already been discussed.

The other thing is I don't want to hear their sex talk, I didn't want to hear my parents. I hope your walls are thick.
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#126 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 09:59 AM
 
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I'm actually more concerned for my dd's emotional health regarding sex, than her physical health. .


I agree with this. Everyone talks about STDs and pregnancy (obvioiusly important) but having sex too young really messed with my head.

I didn't even realize how much it messed me up until I hit about 30. Before then, I thought "My body, my choice" and all that.

It was a huge mistake to have sex so young. It saddens me that kids are so rushed to be "grown-up" that they make harmful choices.
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#127 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 12:33 PM
 
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Wow, I wonder if that's a common scare-tactic they use? The EXACT same thing happened to me when I got an STD test, except at the Health Dept. I walked in telling them I had a UTI, they told me I had and STD that WOULD (not could) cause sterility, I asked how long they said between 2 weeks and six months. Now mind you, my boyfriend was a virgin when we got together, so if I had anything it would have been from about 2 yrs prior, I went home bawling. Then they called back and said, "oh, we were wrong, it was just a UTI."

(Planned Parenthood was actually REALLY cool. I still go there as a married adult even though I have ins and could go anywhere because I trust them there. Even though my favorite nurse has since retired. Besides, having patients with insurance helps their bottom line without costing me a thing.)
I think that was my mom's reasoning behind bringing me there, that she wanted to support them. I'm sure some PP are nice, somewhere, but boy were they crude and crass to me. The first thing she asked was "Have you ever had an STD?" I said no. She said "Well, have you ever had an itch, a scratch, or a bump?" Who the hell hasn't? So she concluded that since I'd EVER had one itch in my crotch, I'd definitely had an STD. :

Maybe they do it just to scare the kid, or maybe they're so used to everyone who comes in having an STD that they've lost their minds!

DD1 7/13/05 DD2 9/20/10
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#128 of 142 Old 08-29-2007, 01:39 PM
 
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I agree with this. Everyone talks about STDs and pregnancy (obvioiusly important) but having sex too young really messed with my head.

I didn't even realize how much it messed me up until I hit about 30. Before then, I thought "My body, my choice" and all that.

It was a huge mistake to have sex so young. It saddens me that kids are so rushed to be "grown-up" that they make harmful choices.

I completely agree. Although I realized it much earlier (around 21).
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#129 of 142 Old 08-30-2007, 06:40 AM
 
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(This is treading the edges of mdc UA, but it still relates to how you feel about your teens having a sex life.) Everyone talks about "raging hormones" of teenagers in the negative. Does anyone else think that having that raging drive makes the sex better, and people who don't have sex until their mid-20's or later are really missing out on something?

The sex I have with my dh now is very tender, and good because we know what each other likes, but there's something to be said for that raging, can-get-laid-about-anywhere, sorry-didn't-realize-I-was-screaming-loud-enough-for-neighbors-to-hear, animalistic sex that I think came with being a young hormone-filled teenager. At least for me.

I realize, that like un-circed sex, you can't really miss what you've never known, but if waiting until you find Mr Right means until your wedding night at 32 like my mom did, I think I might actively discourage such a decision.
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#130 of 142 Old 08-30-2007, 07:17 AM
 
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Hmmm, I dunno about that, Gendenwitha. I have a raging drive now in my mid-30s...as raging as when I was a teen. Also, good sex depends on many factors, not just drive.
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#131 of 142 Old 08-30-2007, 11:52 AM
 
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I'm right there with you Glenda. Good times...
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#132 of 142 Old 09-25-2007, 02:08 PM
 
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I agree with this. Everyone talks about STDs and pregnancy (obvioiusly important) but having sex too young really messed with my head.

I didn't even realize how much it messed me up until I hit about 30. Before then, I thought "My body, my choice" and all that.

It was a huge mistake to have sex so young. It saddens me that kids are so rushed to be "grown-up" that they make harmful choices.
I also agree with this. Many women are left with emotions they are not ready for once they start having sex, especially if the relationship ends badly and they were young emotionally.
I know kids mature at different levels and I was considered 'mature' myself as I was on my own a great deal at an early age but I still wasn't ready and the hurt, guilt, and insecurities seriously wounded my self esteem until I was about 27 years old.

Keri

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#133 of 142 Old 09-25-2007, 08:47 PM
 
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I can't comment from a parents perspective, but it hasn't been very long since I was a teen myself and dealing with this stuff, so maybe just contributing my experience might help.

My parents were extremely strict, sex is totally taboo and talking about babies was horribly uncomfortable. I met my first serious boyfriend when I was 15 and he was very sweet, but also very curious and wouldn't shut up about sex. I wasn't entirely sure I was interested (for the record, my sexuality peaked at the end of grade school for me and my sex interest has steadily declined since. Im still trying to figure out why, as at 23 I am almost totally asexual) but he was and I thought it would be nice to experience it with him, as I trusted him not to rush. We always had sex at his parents house, they were always comfortable with it. We had a long talk before we lost our virginities together, looked online for STD information and condoms, spericides, pregnancy options etc. together because neither of us were entirely sure of ourselves. We decided on spermicidal gel and condoms, without parental help, agreed on what would happen if I got pregnant, etc. before we did anything. We felt secure in his house but wouldn't do anything while his parents were home out of respect... it was just an unspoken agreement.

My mom didn't know we were involved this way until after we had broken up.

It worked out alright, I wish my mom was more approachable on the matter. I don't regret any of it, we were very close and it was an important time in my life for me, but I do wish my parents had not closed the door on my face so to speak. I don't think I would have been comfortable with complete disclosure but a little openess would have been appreciated.
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#134 of 142 Old 09-25-2007, 09:50 PM
 
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My DD started having sex earlier than I would have liked, 14, and it was at a very tumultuous time in both our lives. And, no, I was not paying enough attention. Happily, many things have improved. Now, at 16, and after I married her DSF, and things settled A LOT, she no longer is sexually active, and says herself she feels it was too soon. We talk very openly, and I am pretty much hands off, except that I do give her information on both sides. By not moralizing and judging, I believe she feels much freer to make her own decisions. By having her own direct experience wih boys, and without me yammering nonsense, she very thoughfully concluded that the very things that make boys her age rather dorkish (certainly not all, of course, but well, boys....!) also renders them far less scintillating as potential partners. She has actually said to me that she thinks if girls were paying ANY attention to the boys themselves, instead of A) trying to get parents' attention with negative behavior and B rebelling instead of individuating (okay, she didn' use THAT word, but words to that effect), many would give up sex for the duration...okay, perhaps Lonnie Barbach would be selling LOTS more books, and toy sales might rise LOL!
I have to laugh when I see posts from people implying they would not ALLOW : their kids to have sex...It is my experience that the kids of such delusional parents are often the ones who are so busy trying to "get away with it" that questions of BC and STDs rarely if ever come up. Most of the kids I counsel and have other contact with whose parents are realistic, and even better, positive about sex in general, are far more mindful of the possible unwanted consequences. Most of them choose not to have sex, or choose to have "everything but" intercourse. Safely of course. I want my kids to have loving positive feelings about sex. And, no, that doesn't mean sex *only* in a committed relationship. Like another pp, my DH and I started in a FwBs relationship, which evolved into a most loving, committed and happiful marriage. AND we have both had FwBs that were incredibly educational, free of the desperate need to impress, and ended as friends. Nice. Yes, sex carries with it certain potential consequences. But it's JUST SEX. In and of itself it's not good OR bad. Moralizing rarely influences the listener to do anything but try to prove the moralizer wrong, or worse, prove to her/himself that she/he is wrong or bad for wanting to...
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#135 of 142 Old 09-25-2007, 09:52 PM
 
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Bottom line is that the sex positive parents here, of which I am one, have a completely different value system than those that are teaching abstinance until marriage.

And those of you that are advocating abstinance until marriage are the very foundational cause of "judging by peers and family and friends" regarding sexual activity. And then use your own judgments as an means to control those that don't agree.

This is the year 2007. My mom dealt with the shunning for becoming pregnant while she was unmarried in the 60s and thankfully joined the sexual revolution and chose not to perpetuate that shameful attitude into my generation and I am raising an empowered teenage daughter that knows that she owns her body and she can choose when she is ready to have a sexual relationship.

Bottom line is that reasons like pregnancy and disease are tools used by those that espouse abstinance for religious or spiritual reasons. They are not valid reason in themselves in these modern times of birth control and health education and awareness. And the same goes for statutory rape laws. Those are not valid for me in regards to consentual sexual relationships between teens of similar age any more that sodomy laws in backward states stopped me from having oral sex * for example*.
Since this got bumped anyway, this post really needs quoted because it pretty much says it all.
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#136 of 142 Old 09-25-2007, 10:07 PM
 
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I don't have time to read this whole thread, since I gather it's an old one and that it's drifted a bit from the OPs original question. But I wanted to say to the OP that my mother was very sex-positive. I started having sex as a teenager, and she allowed us the freedom to be alone in the house and never hassled us about it. She also allowed a bit of drinking and marijuana smoking. She never attempted to contact my friends' parents, and I don't think she believed she had any responsibility to do so, but her position was always that they were responsible for squaring things with their parents as far as where they were and when they would be home, etc. She always said that if a parent called and asked where their child was, she would tell the exact truth.

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#137 of 142 Old 09-26-2007, 09:10 AM
 
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Do you tell the parent of their partner? Do you ask them to tell the other parents?
I just read through this whole thread (old as it is) and very few people even addressed this question.

I'd say, if you DO let your child and his/her partner have sex in your home, you will be treading on very thin ice if you keep it from the partner's parents, ESPECIALLY if that child is below the age of legal consent. If they are below the age of LEGAL consent, you are seriously risking being taken to court. You may have your own beliefs about how to care for your child, but you do not have the right to impose your beliefs on childcare to the other child.

In Scotland, it is illegal to have sex before you are 16. Flame me all you want, but if I were to find out that my daughter's boyfriend's parents were knowingly letting them have sex in their house (not just it happening without their express knowledge, but actually facilitating it) before she is of the legal age, the s*** would hit the fan.

I just thought in case anyone else or the OP were still interested in the answer to the OP's actual question, this ought to be reitterated. Don't get so caught up in your own 'sexually positive' attitudes that you find yourself slapped in the face with a law suit.
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#138 of 142 Old 09-26-2007, 04:59 PM
 
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I don't have time to read this whole thread, since I gather it's an old one and that it's drifted a bit from the OPs original question. But I wanted to say to the OP that my mother was very sex-positive. I started having sex as a teenager, and she allowed us the freedom to be alone in the house and never hassled us about it. She also allowed a bit of drinking and marijuana smoking. She never attempted to contact my friends' parents, and I don't think she believed she had any responsibility to do so, but her position was always that they were responsible for squaring things with their parents as far as where they were and when they would be home, etc. She always said that if a parent called and asked where their child was, she would tell the exact truth.
so, how did that effect you? Do you feel like you were cared for properly? Do you think you are well adjusted? Just asking because it sounds about like my house

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#139 of 142 Old 09-28-2007, 05:46 PM
 
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I only had time to read the first two pages, but I want to respond to this in case nobody else caught it: Linda on the Move wrote, referring to condoms,
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Yeah, they are only like 97% effective.
That's if you use them exactly perfectly, every single time, for every moment of genital contact. For typical users, condoms are only 85% effective.

I make a point of citing this statistic at every opportunity because I've found that many people don't know about it. I knew it by the time I reached adolescence, thanks to my mother making sure I had access to some very informative books , and when I started having sex I used a separate spermicide gel (that is, a full dose--spermicidally lubricated condoms are NOT proven to be any more effective than plain ones!) or a sponge EVERY time until I got my cervical cap when I was 19. Condoms alone are better than nothing, but they're better used with a backup method.

Pardon the tangent.

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#140 of 142 Old 09-28-2007, 08:46 PM
 
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I think that's the thing- it's possible for a teenager to simultaneously be mature enough to have sex, and immature enough to need some guidance in being sexually active in a responsible, respectful way. I don't believe in the extended childhood that's forced upon most teens in this society- our counterparts in many other countries are not only having sex, but married and have several children by the time we are taking our SATs. I'm not trying to debate which one is better, but when it comes to "natural family living" it's a bit hypocritical to deny teenagers their natural, normal desire to have sex (if they choose to not have sex based on religious or other personal convictions, that's a totally different story).
Wow! Never thought of things like that because of my very oppresive childhood, but that seems so true. As NFL parents we want to teach and guide our children through their young lives, why shouldn't that extend to sex? How can we teach our children all about relationships, physical and otherwise, without them experimenting at the same time? And I am not suggesting lectures on to Kama Sutra, just general advice. One thing I've learned about life is that experience is a much better teacher than theory. And we don't enter adulthood all at once, it is a gradual learning process that needs guidance.
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#141 of 142 Old 09-30-2007, 02:18 PM
 
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Thank you, Oriole, for being brave enough to stand up for this perspective. I too agree that sex has been so trivialized in our society that it's not only become meaningless, but also less pleasurable. After my divorce, when I started dating again (for the first time since I was 17!), I was stunned by how jaded and cynical men in their 40s were. I gradually came to the conclusion that if you have enough casual sex and "relationships" it seems to do something to your head, and there's no easy way back to recovering the wonder and mystery of love...it's just a another partner...and sooner or later they all start to blur. Thankfully my 2nd husband had refused to have casual sex throughout his adult life, and we had exactly the same kind of romantic relationship we would have had as teenagers...we've been married almost 10 years now, with a great sex life. I tell this story to my older son. It's not about (for me) avoiding diseases and pregnancy; it's about preserving the romance, the feeling that the person you're with is unique among all others. This argument seems to resonate with my son, perhaps because it rings true to him. So...no overnights here until he's married or otherwise in a truly committed relationship.

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Exactly the reason why I would want something better for my child, and another proof that not all kids will go out and do it, and sometimes it happens because parents don't mind bfs/guys staying over.

I realize it might not be a traumatic event at all, but I guess I just have a different view on life. The reason why divorces are high, imho, is because people don't know what relationships should look like, and it often starts in High School, where pressure is put on sex, vs. romance of the relationship.

I don't want to trivialize sex for my child, and I don't want her to think that three months into high school crash is a normal timeframe for having sex with a boy.

I want her to look for the magic of love, where evey touch is something special, and sex is not just sex, but making love. You don't see this message coming from her high school friends, or the media, and as a parent I would like to provide a different view on sex and relatinships in general for her.
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#142 of 142 Old 09-30-2007, 02:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by EnviroBecca View Post
I only had time to read the first two pages, but I want to respond to this in case nobody else caught it: Linda on the Move wrote, referring to condoms, That's if you use them exactly perfectly, every single time, for every moment of genital contact. For typical users, condoms are only 85% effective.

I make a point of citing this statistic at every opportunity because I've found that many people don't know about it. I knew it by the time I reached adolescence, thanks to my mother making sure I had access to some very informative books , and when I started having sex I used a separate spermicide gel (that is, a full dose--spermicidally lubricated condoms are NOT proven to be any more effective than plain ones!) or a sponge EVERY time until I got my cervical cap when I was 19. Condoms alone are better than nothing, but they're better used with a backup method.

Pardon the tangent.
No, I'm glad you did. That's a really important point to make to our kids.
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