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consequence for cell phone abuse

8K views 103 replies 44 participants last post by  Stinkerbell 
#1 ·
So my almost 14 year old (who is a full on teen) has a cell phone we pay for. He knows he is NOT allowed to use it when it isnt free except important reasons and NO text messages ever (too difficult to moniter and they cost a small fortune).

So this month's cell bill on his number is $322. 56. ALL text messages. All of them. 2200, to be exact. He also downloaded AIM and something else on his phone which he was not only instructed NOT to do, but we had to go in and remove it once already.

He basically blamed me, saying that I wouldn't pay the extra whatever to get him text messaging. Is totally and completely belligerant which I know is age appropriate so I am certainly not rising to the occasion or getting visibly upset.

But I dont really know how to instigate consequence. The money thing is HUUUGE, as we have almost double our normal bills this one month, coincidentally. And more importantly, he willfully and intentionally betrayed our rules (again!) and is nonchalant about it.
 
#27 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
I KNOW he will say that he is not going to do anything to pay back the money unless we give him the phone first. He makes terrorist-like demands when he doesn't like how things go. "You give me what I want first". Ugh. So I'm thinking this might get into a pissing contest. Ultimately, he is not getting phone until I am satisfied that he will agree to follow the rules AND he has worked off the $322 bill he created. And that's all I can do.

We'll survive this teenager thing, right? Right? Right??
Honestly.....he would lose all priveleges if he pulled that tactic at my house. He would be confined to the house and school....nothing else.
 
#28 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by choli View Post
I'm fond of texting myself, but 2200 messages in a month??! That is over 70 a day! That sounds pretty obsessive to me...

Take away the phone, and when you are ready to let him have a phone again, get a prepaid fo which you both agree on a monthly allowance of minutes.
Well, he downloaded the AIM for the phone so he "chats" in text. And he was not only told NOT to, but he did it before and we deleted it from his phone and gave him a second chance.
 
#29 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
Just posting a reply to save you from killing one more thread.


OMG- I do kind of have a bad reputation in that area
And I try so hard not to!

Thanks for noticing- really it made my day that at least someone on here knows at least something about me
:
 
#30 ·
well, THAT went horribly. yikes.
:

I waited until he was in a good mood and offered him the opportunity to earn the money to pay us back.

ha!

He laughed in my face and told me the only way he would pay us for the bill is if we gave him his phone back AND pay for the extra text messaging package. I told him I don't give into "terrorist-like demands" (which was, admittedly, HORRIBLE wording that I apologized for). He wanted sooo badly to argue with me about irrelevant and abstract things because I simply would not take the bait for an argument. He was livid.

So he stormed upstairs and began calmly and methodically putting holes in the wall in his room. Nice. At first I went to confront him and tell him to stop ruining my house but he was very sarcastic and calm and told me it was stress relief so I realized he was trying to bait me some more.

So I went downstairs. Called my BFF for advice (he's a mental health counselor for troubled teens...lucky me!). And here we are. Phone is being shut off, bill will be paid, and if he wants a phone or $ for the movies or the mall or anything else, he'll get it when he pays us back.

And YES I am making it easy for him to do that (a list of chores and yardwork with a $$ amount attached to each, he can do it as he pleases).

So, what? 2, 3 more years? Aye-yi-yi.
 
#32 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
well, THAT went horribly. yikes.
:

I waited until he was in a good mood and offered him the opportunity to earn the money to pay us back.

ha!

He laughed in my face and told me the only way he would pay us for the bill is if we gave him his phone back AND pay for the extra text messaging package. I told him I don't give into "terrorist-like demands" (which was, admittedly, HORRIBLE wording that I apologized for). He wanted sooo badly to argue with me about irrelevant and abstract things because I simply would not take the bait for an argument. He was livid.

So he stormed upstairs and began calmly and methodically putting holes in the wall in his room. Nice. At first I went to confront him and tell him to stop ruining my house but he was very sarcastic and calm and told me it was stress relief so I realized he was trying to bait me some more.

So I went downstairs. Called my BFF for advice (he's a mental health counselor for troubled teens...lucky me!). And here we are. Phone is being shut off, bill will be paid, and if he wants a phone or $ for the movies or the mall or anything else, he'll get it when he pays us back.

And YES I am making it easy for him to do that (a list of chores and yardwork with a $$ amount attached to each, he can do it as he pleases).

So, what? 2, 3 more years? Aye-yi-yi.
I hope you are adding the amount of fixing the holes he created to the amount. I would also be check into a repairman who can fix the holes with my son working right along side.
 
#33 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Houdini View Post
I hope you are adding the amount of fixing the holes he created to the amount. I would also be check into a repairman who can fix the holes with my son working right along side.
i certainly am adding it to the bill!! But if I tried to get him to fix it, he'd simply refuse and laugh.
 
#34 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
i certainly am adding it to the bill!! But if I tried to get him to fix it, he'd simply refuse and laugh.
Have you removed all priveleges outside of school?
 
#36 ·
(okay that is not very PC. But Im so happy about it!)

Im walking through the house tidying up and he calls from the sofa, "Mum".

I turn, "yes?"

"I'm sorry".

I did a doubletake. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

I went over and kissed his head. "Thank you. that means alot to me. And for the record, even when I was upset I loved you. I always do". (just have to get that in sometimes).

He said, "And I want to take your offer. to pay off the bill".

Woot! woot!!

This is huge progress for us.


I did mention that, right? We offered to make a list of chores and attach $$ values to them, so he could work off the bill.
 
#38 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF View Post
From you're last few posts it sounds like he's been wanting/needing the tough love/boundries for a while & it may be getting through to him.
yeah I get both responses: I'm too tough, I'm not tough enough. All I can say is that with this dramatic change in personality since puberty, Dh and I have re-visited many of our parenting strategies and sort of re-grouped on many things. It's a constant change. But I agree that I was easily intimidated before and rose to his bait too often. So I'm trying to pay more attention to setting boundaries, sticking with them, and not letting him pull the argument off the track and into a ditch!
 
#39 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
(okay that is not very PC. But Im so happy about it!)

Im walking through the house tidying up and he calls from the sofa, "Mum".

I turn, "yes?"

"I'm sorry".

I did a doubletake. "What?"

"I'm sorry."

I went over and kissed his head. "Thank you. that means alot to me. And for the record, even when I was upset I loved you. I always do". (just have to get that in sometimes).

He said, "And I want to take your offer. to pay off the bill".

Woot! woot!!

This is huge progress for us.


I did mention that, right? We offered to make a list of chores and attach $$ values to them, so he could work off the bill.
Very Cool!!! It seems that maybe he was testing the waters to see if you would give in to his demands. I am glad things are looking better.
 
#40 ·
Is MetroPCS offered in your area? It's dirt cheap (45 per month, unlimited calls and text messaging) and a lot of teens in this area have one. It works well as a kid phone, because service area's aren't huge, and it saves you from fluctuating bills each month. The only prob is customer service isn't great, and neither is service outside of their fairly limited coverage area. Just my .02.
 
#41 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by embers View Post
Since you have talked to him about this, told him NOT to do it, make limits and boundaries, had past issues (had to take AIM off already), and he is being belligerent and blameful of you; take the phone away?
: Try again in 6 months?
I agree. And IMO, having a cell phone is a privilege, not a necessity. If he intentionally did the opposite of what you asked, perhaps it should be taken away for awhile. Tho I think I would take it for a month and then try again.
 
#42 ·
wow I just went through this, not 4 months ago. first strike, ds broke his window by throwing darts. well he has to replace that. Then we shut off our land line and added 1 more line to our family plan, and let him have the phone. Told him NO texting , NO IM chat, well he thought I wouldnt know
: would never find out if he was texting. Well , we got the first bill, it was something like $150 instead of the $80. of course he was grounded blah blah blah, explained again no texting. well this was like the tail end of one billing time, the next billing time rolls around. our bill was $850!!!! he was going online on the phone.
: . yeah well that phone was taken away. he was told why he was in so much trouble. he said he didnt know it cost money to download pictures for the wallpaper, to talk to friends , and what ever eles he was doing. Well his birthday went by, he handed over his birthday money, he still owes me LOTS. took me a good 2 months to calm down over this. I told him he could get a job if he does good in school (freshman year) I dont want him to have any distractions and other things to worry about, and that he is not off the hook.

I dont like teenage years, I am not looking forward to my older dd becoming a teen.
:
 
#43 ·
$850!?! Oh, my.

As I've said, the phone is GONE. He can earn the $$ to repay us for the bill and if he gets tired of the holes he put in the wall, DH will happily take him to Home Depot and spend a few hours helping him fix them. And he'll want to do that when he asks to have company spend the night and I say, "no, not in a room with holes in the walls and no door!".

A friend gave a great suggestion for my list of chores for him to do to pay of the bill: include things like "random hug for mom", "setting a good example for brothers", etc. LOVE that idea!
 
#44 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Stinkerbell View Post
A friend gave a great suggestion for my list of chores for him to do to pay of the bill: include things like "random hug for mom", "setting a good example for brothers", etc. LOVE that idea!

I'm so glad things are going better!

I would still have HIM come up with a list of ways to pay off the bill and repair the damage, though. And I'm afraid I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash? That may just be me, but it would make me uncomfortable.
 
#45 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mammastar2 View Post
I'm so glad things are going better!

I would still have HIM come up with a list of ways to pay off the bill and repair the damage, though. And I'm afraid I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash? That may just be me, but it would make me uncomfortable.
he's a fairly affectionate kid anyway. So if I can use this as a way to encourage that, it's good. I dont think, at almost 14, he'll suddenly associate affection with cash just because I have added it to the list of things to do to work off the bill. It is a good point, though.

I really feel that he'll become more comfortable with those things and recognize the good endorphins that come from it. He's also a very physically....umm...LAZY kid
: So I added walking the dog, riding bike with brother, etc.

it's encouragement, as well as giving him an easy way to "pay us back". I'm trying to show him that we all make mistakes but its important to do the right thing to rectify them and learn better for next time. If I can get some hugs, exercise and grandparent "aaaawwwws" out of it, that's gravy.
 
#46 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mammastar2 View Post
I don't love the implications of the notion of $$$ for hugging your mother...do you really, truly want him to think of affection within the family being exchanged for cash?
Agreed. It's not a good idea to intermix working-off the money for his damages (cell phone PLUS wall and door repairs) with acts of affection and things that should be done in the ordinary course of family life.

Set out a list of work and ascribe a dollar value to each item. Post the total cost of his fiasco - cell phone plus home damage - and keep a running, decreasing total as he works it off. Irresponsible and destructive actions have consequences, that's the lesson of having him work off his damages. And, it's a valuable lesson.

Kind interactions with family and respect should be occurring without monetary reward. You want to teach the intrinsic reward of such acts. To ascribe $ value cheapens their value (no matter what $ value you ascribe) and attempts to quantify the unquantifiable (confusing, unless you're a social economist).

Keep the lessons clear and simple - $ consequences for quantifiable damages, erosion of trust for irresponsible behavior.

(My teen read the original post over my shoulder and commented, "oh, that boy's going to be working off that bill, I hope, and that cell phone is 'so' gone ... huh, oh, that's really sweet - he's blaming his mom? nice try <<ding>> but, no, I don't think so". My first thought was, "Where was 'that' teen when I got a $350 bill for her unsanctioned cellphone use not so long ago? Then, I realized 'that' was the product of the lessons she learned from the experience of being made to take responsibility for the bill - the lesson was learned and now incorporated into her thinking.)

Even though I disagree with some of your approach, hats off to you, mama, for making your son "own" his actions.
 
#47 ·
Quote:
Kind interactions with family and respect should be occurring without monetary reward. You want to teach the intrinsic reward of such acts. To ascribe $ value cheapens their value (no matter what $ value you ascribe) and attempts to quantify the unquantifiable (confusing, unless you're a social economist).
I do understand


But I dont agree that in this situation, I am cheapening the value. I guess you'd have to be here to get what I mean but he is an affectionate kid already and I like to encourage that.

By adding things like hugging, I have added humor to lighten the huge feeling of this lesson. He laughed when he saw it, I think he gets it. I am trying to make it easy for him to understand that he can screw up and make a mistake, but still recover from it.
 
#50 ·
Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but cingular has a unlimited plan for like 35.00 for text we got this cause of DD spent a load when we first got the phone. She went to helping out some elderly neighbors with housework..and we paid the bill...now she is unlimited so we have no worries...also remember that you get charged with every in and out with cingular...
 
#51 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by MSmomma3 View Post
Sorry I didn't read the entire thread but cingular has a unlimited plan for like 35.00 for text we got this cause of DD spent a load when we first got the phone. She went to helping out some elderly neighbors with housework..and we paid the bill...now she is unlimited so we have no worries...also remember that you get charged with every in and out with cingular...
Yes, Cingular sucks that way. When we were forced to migrate to Cingular from ATT DH called them and complained. He didn't think we should be charged for incoming spam messages. (AT&T had only charged for outgoing.) He could NOT get the customer service rep to understand that you could get unsolicited spam on your cell phone. She keep saying they couldn't email you if you had not given them your number. And he keep telling her yes they could, they just need a script to randomly dial number. But it is illegal she said. And dh was like.. um since when do criminals care if it is illegal? But it is illegal, they can't do it. Again dh said.. yes it is illegal but criminals don't care and do it anyway! She never did grasp or wouldn't admit to grasping what DH was talking about.


Anyway, IMO 35 is A LOT of extra money for an unlimited plan. With sprint it is $15 and we still aren't getting it for DD. I might think about it for Christmas. We were going to get the family text plan however when I checked into it, it is not available with our plan. We would have to downgrade our minutes to get it. Now we are just biding our time to get ride of sprint. Their service sucks.
 
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