consequence for cell phone abuse - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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#91 of 104 Old 09-14-2007, 10:30 PM
 
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#92 of 104 Old 09-15-2007, 12:06 AM
 
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Your son has a problem - he owes you over $300. It's his problem, though. I think you make a mistake (especially with him) to help him solve the problem. It's his problem - let him solve it! I think it would really help him be more responsible. If you arrange for him to earn the money, it will become your problem again and he won't take responsibility. Just because he can't get a "job" doesn't mean he can't earn the money from doing neighborhood tasks, dog walking, paper route (and there's always that birthday money from Grandma)....heck, my 10 year old earns $20/week as a mother's helper!

I would definitely make a new cell phone contingent on paying back the total amount.

Me : living with and loving papa and the kids: Dd1 8/97 , dd2 8/04 and my sweet baby ds 5/09 : :
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#93 of 104 Old 09-26-2007, 09:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, the bill is officially "paid off".

He does not know that Verizon gave us a huuuge break on the bill because we have been excellent customers for 7+ years so that bill came down to an actual balance of near $175. We still had him pay off the whole used amount because I needed to lesson to not get lost in the consequence.

Anyway. he did the work at his own pace, he chose what to do, he had a few small tantrums about not getting credit for the regular responsiblities we expect of him. But it's done. Phew!
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#94 of 104 Old 09-26-2007, 09:57 PM
 
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Who needs credit for regular responsibilities when you get paid for hugging Mom?

dm
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#95 of 104 Old 09-30-2007, 02:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
Who needs credit for regular responsibilities when you get paid for hugging Mom?

dm
Aw, come on. That was pretty low. As I said again and again, the method was decided on with much input between DS's therapist, my BFF (a counselor for troubled teens), DH and DS himself. I felt I was doing the right thing, it worked out well, and we believe the lesson was learned without making his life miserable over it.

I was looking for support and feedback, even if you disagree. But popping in here to insult me and my parenting is really *NOT* helpful.
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#96 of 104 Old 09-30-2007, 03:44 PM
 
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I was looking for support and feedback, even if you disagree. But popping in here to insult me and my parenting is really *NOT* helpful.
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#97 of 104 Old 09-30-2007, 05:05 PM
 
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I wasn't insulting you. I was making a joke, hence the laughing face. My point was, in typical teen/preteen fashion, your son was acting like he was horrendously put upon when, in fact, he wasn't.

Just like my daughter, who is 13, was today completely put out by the fact that I won't be at her soccer game next Wednesday because I have to work (I work 8 hours a week). Apparently, according to my daughter, 3 months ago I should have anticipated that the soccer team she was not yet on was going to have one Wednesday game in their entire season and I should have arranged my work schedule around that. Seems typically self-centered to me. My daughter is in therapy to. I understand following a therapist's advice.

dm
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#98 of 104 Old 10-01-2007, 11:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I wasn't insulting you. I was making a joke, hence the laughing face. My point was, in typical teen/preteen fashion, your son was acting like he was horrendously put upon when, in fact, he wasn't.

Just like my daughter, who is 13, was today completely put out by the fact that I won't be at her soccer game next Wednesday because I have to work (I work 8 hours a week). Apparently, according to my daughter, 3 months ago I should have anticipated that the soccer team she was not yet on was going to have one Wednesday game in their entire season and I should have arranged my work schedule around that. Seems typically self-centered to me. My daughter is in therapy to. I understand following a therapist's advice.

dm
Then I sincerely apologize. I was feeling defensive, not catching the tone.
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#99 of 104 Old 10-05-2007, 11:03 PM
 
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Uckfay.

I didn't realize this was part of the inane cell phone crap thread.

eletday.
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#100 of 104 Old 10-06-2007, 12:06 AM
 
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It's not the wanting me to be there that I felt was self-centered. Of course she wanted me to be there. That's completely understandable. And my husband, my other two kids, and my father and his wife WERE there. I was not, because I had to work.

It was Desta's comments about why I didn't fix my work schedule to accommodate her team's make-up game that was scheduled only 6 days in advance and her comments about how I "always" miss her games (I missed one other one because I was home taking care of a sick child, and Daddy and Grandpa and the other kid WERE there) that made me feel she was being self-centered.

Perhaps if I were a perfect mom I would have tried to find someone to cover for me so I could go to her game. Apparently I am not a perfect mom. Big surprise. I do think Desta was being self-centered. We could have had a reasonable discussion about her disappointment that I wasn't going to be there. Instead we had a big blame fest where I (once again) got to be the big mean Momma who doesn't give a crap about how Desta feels ... because really, in a family of five, it SHOULD always be about how one person feels, right?

Besides, I remember being 13 and thinking that my feelings and desires were more important than everyone else's. I do think it's a pretty typical developmental stage, at least in the cultural climate we live in today.

And after 16 months of being blamed for everything bad that has ever happened to Desta, even things that happened before I even knew she existed, I do tend to run a little short of patience when I am once again told how rotten of a mother I am for not catering to her every desire.

I know that you have a fabulous relationship with your kids, and I am happy for you that you do, but we don't all have that, and sometimes it's through no fault of our own.

dm
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#101 of 104 Old 10-06-2007, 09:16 AM
 
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Yes, I can relate. I am also blamed a lot.Moat of the time,it is not my fault-it is her anger and frustrain and her individuating and trying to cope with more freedom than she is ready for. I also at times feel it is unsafe to be honest about what is happening but I do it anyway. I do not have to be perfect and either do my kids. I share on boards because I don't feel there are that many safe places to share honestly. When I set boundaries to take care of myself, I also feel tons of guilt. I have to decide what is reasonable-to honor my own needs as well as the demands of my daughter-I also have a 17 year old son and a husband besides taking care of me. I am homeschooling, do tons of service work weekly,try to eat healthy, and run a positive home. Trying to meet the demand of compeitive sports as an attachment parenting person can be very overwhelming. During travel season last year, I gave up everything so she could do that and this time I am refusing to do that. I am going to a weekly support group where I can be honest about my feelings and needs, I am going to a church that is more of a fit for me, I am involved in service work and will go to a conference in a city 5 hours from me next weekend for 3 days. (This is the only time of the year that I am not taking care of others )I am going to so stuff like walk the beach, eat with someone I talk to regularly by phone, and lead and attend workshops all weekend.
I see my main role is mother,advocate, encourager, and limit setter. Spending 5 hours a pop at sports games-that conflicts lot for me. Like if I go to her away game on Tuesday, it means that I am away from the house for 7 hours or so and I have a teen son I am also dealing with. I also feel though that she needs my presence there so I need to adjust my shcedule accordingly.I now spend hours a day on academics(I am trying to be realistic and cut back a bit during this time.) with them as well as supporting my son through his first semester of college. My husband has been trying to go to all her away games after working all day. As I shared on a pp, I am conflicted about this-I feel she needs my adovocacy but I also have a need to be here-I many have my son come too unless he is sleeping. I will be here some but I am getting the message I need to be present at all of her games. Parents are not allowed at practices. This may not be offical but it is a message I get. Sallie
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#102 of 104 Old 10-06-2007, 09:55 AM
 
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Desta arrived already a teen...and that's a rocky time for many children. With Desta, you get all the normal teen stuff, plus the emotional baggage of death and adoption, along with cultural issues. Plus, when she acts out and is unpleasant, you have no memories or history of her as a small darling baby, or talkative, loving toddler. You have nothing from the past to see you through the bad times. I know you this isn't something don't know. But as a mother, I have gotten though rough behavior patches by recalling those times.

You're doing the best you can, and eventually Desta will become a pleasant adult. I am sure she had fatasies about America and her new family. America-- Where everyone is rich and you can finally have everything you ever needed, plus everything you ever desired. I mean isn't that why people emmigrate?

I think it's fantastic that Desta feels so safe with you that she can act the way she does. If she feared you would also abandon her, she would not be able to express herself in that crazy teen way, or express the frustration that America's streets are not actually paved in gold. You have emotional and cultural expectations to deal with on top of a cranky teen who thinks she's the sun and the starts.
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#103 of 104 Old 10-12-2007, 11:51 PM
 
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Can you work out something where he can pay for a text messaging package. These packages are usually only $15 per month for unlimited texting.

Is there a reason why you would NOT want to do this????
My text messaging plan is only five dollars a month.

Newly single, chronically sleep deprived mama to my little wild thang wild.gif, born 11/17/12 

fly-by-nursing1.gif

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#104 of 104 Old 10-18-2007, 10:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was not certain I wanted him to have texting available to him all the time, as once its deleted it is gone. i cant moniter who he is texting, you know? BUT we did agree to the unlimited texting plan in exchange for him folding and putting away one load of household laundry EVERY DAY after school (on top of his regular responsibilities). This is absolutely worth the $15/month to us, as I am drowning in laundry. And TMobile is logging all his incoming/outgoing #s the texts come from.
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