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Should I hold firm on reasonable expectation or ????

  • Hold firm.

    Votes: 20 19.2%
  • Hold firm on some expexctations, let go of others

    Votes: 59 56.7%
  • Let it go.

    Votes: 25 24.0%
  • other

    Votes: 0 0.0%

Reasonable standards...let them go? or not? Update #33

3K views 44 replies 36 participants last post by  Momily 
#1 ·
We have some expectations which are insanely reasonable.
-bathe regularly (every 2 days would be nice, heck even 2X week without complaint would suffice)
-do not wear your jeans to bed
-sleep with a sheet on the bed.
-do not go to school in filthy or ripped clothes
-as you have no hips, wear a belt.

MY DS does not want to follow them. I am sure it is a (mini) power struggle. I do not think (tbh) he will arbitrairily start meeting resaonable expectations on his own - he is quite easy going and laissez faire. I do not think the grubbiness will bug his friends - hence logical consequences will not help

So....Do I hold firm to the reasonable expectations, or do I "let go" (and hope he develops some standards on his own?)

DS is almost 12, with few issues. Overall, a happy dude.

Vote please! And advice, if you have btdt.

Kathy
 
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#2 ·
Personally, I'd let a lot of those go. If he wants to wear filthy or ripped clothes to school, or let his pants fall to his hips, it's probably not worth the battle. If there's a dress code that forbids this, let the school enforce it. If there isn't, give him some "breathing room" to find his own sense of style (or lack therof
) Maybe all the boys are wearing ripped, falling down jeans these days?

2 baths/showers a week sounds like a reasonable minimum to me- although my 11yo sometimes only gets one. She's really not that stinky yet and I've chosen to pick my battles. My almost 13yo bathes every other day, sometimes daily, as she cares about her appearance now.

I would, however, insist on the bed having sheets, as sleeping on an uncovered mattress shortens the lifespan of the mattress, and if he sweats and stinks up the mattress it will be incredibly hard to get the stink out.

It's fine to impose your rules on household stuff- he's gotta sleep with sheets on the bed to protect the bed that you spent good money on. Your house, your rules, even if it's his own private bedroom with a closable door. But I'd back off on what he does to his own body. He's not harming himself by sleeping in jeans and then going to school the next day without changing his clothes!
 
#3 ·
Let a lot of those go, IMO. What he wears to bed should be his business I believe. I don't mean to come off snarky at all, but I am curious as to why it would even matter if he wears jeans to bed?
My Ds did that for about a year I think. What he wears to school also seems like it should be his issue until it becomes yours. Like is he getting into trouble for breaking some school clothing rules? If he's getting you called into school for his clothing offenses then I'd think you have a right to some say, but otherwise I'd let it be. You can offer your thoughts, but making it a rule seems uneccesary.

The showering thing is tricky. You can tell him that his odor can be really offensive to others, but I am not sure you can really force him to shower. Definitely a power struggle.

Is there a reason he doesn't use a sheet? My Ds sometimes won't because he hates the process of getting it on his mattress alone. If I offer to help it's all good.
 
#12 ·
I don't mean to come off snarky at all, but I am curious as to why it would even matter if he wears jeans to bed?
My Ds did that for about a year I think.
QUOTE]

No snarkiness detected


I think it is very common in our culture to say "I am the parent, I know best and you will do things my way" - without really thinking about it. I think sleeping in jeans is really uncomfortable, so I can not imagine how he can get a good nights sleep in jeans. I think parenting preteens/teens is very much about figuring out what is my deal and what is their deal. The act of writing and reading helps me to realise when something is my deal, and when it is not, and I need to let go.

So....I am thinking of letting the sleeping in jeans go.
The showering, and mattress I will hold firm on (but offer help with the bed.) I think the matress will go over easier, as the explanation is quite logical, and the solution (helping him with it) fairly easy. The showering is a different story!

I am still thinking about the "not wearing dirty/seriously ripped clothes to school". The truth of the matter is schools do notice how kids dress, and it may very will be considered neglect (he is in a k-6 school) if he goes to school the way he sometimes wants to. Maybe I have just read one to many "the school called CPS" in TOA, lol! Perhaps I should ask a teacher friend or two and see if they would care, or if this is just an assumption on my part. Even if it is correct, should I abadon a parenting principal (he has the right to choose his own clothing) because I am pandering to big brother fear? hmmmmm

Kathy

Edited to add: for clarity's sake, I am talking about the bottom sheet. I could not care less about a top sheet.
 
#5 ·
I would let most it go. However, I would talk with him about taking care of the things that we have. Since you purchased the mattress, I do not think it is unreasonable to ask him to use a sheet to ensure a longer life for it.

The rest of the things I would let go. Who cares if he sleeps in his jeans? Those things should be his decisions.
 
#6 ·
Those hold firm in this household.

I think it's important to take care of one's mind, body and soul. Stayin in pijamas for a day, or wearing ripped jeans at home is just fine, going like that to school? Um no.

Showering can be a tough concept at that age
I remember the days with dsd... but I would definitely remind! Actually when DSD was going through that stage I just found a cool book and she easily changed her "not showering" habits. But I'm not sure something like that would work with most kids...

Taking care of bed he might need help with at 12...
 
#8 ·
I would (and have) just let these things go. Most kids I know don't go through the "dirty" phase for very long, and soon start showering 2+ times/day. I don't care at all what they wear to bed, and since I put them in charge of their own laundry, they often wear the first thing they find on the floor. I did worry for a long time about how this reflected poorly on me, but I let that go, too.

My son also won't sleep with a sheet on his bed, so now he sleeps in a sleeping bag on top of the mattress. That way we are both happy.
 
#10 ·
Seems like you are getting a very mixed response on the poll, though a lot of posts lean toward letting it go.

I lean toward letting it go.

-bathe regularly (every 2 days would be nice, heck even 2X week without complaint would suffice)

I think the emphasis would at this age would be more on not smelling. It's an awkward age and I recall not liking to shower at this time. If someone (not my mother!) had said I smelled, though, I probably would have increased the bathing. But when I was a bit older, I started regularly bathing again. It will pass. Either a peer will tell him he smells, and he will be more concerned on his own, or he'll eventually care anyway. If you struggle with him, he might be more inclined to resist.

-do not wear your jeans to bed

This one is easy for me to say forget about it and don't even worry about it. Who cares? DH often wears his jeans to bed. He stays warmer than with PJs and there's less laundry.

-sleep with a sheet on the bed.

Again, I think easy to let go. DH does not sleep with a top sheet. He doesn't object, but he's rough with covers, and they end up on the floor. Pointless. He does sleep with a bottom sheet, but anyway, what's the big deal otherwise?

-do not go to school in filthy or ripped clothes

Tough call. Ripped clothing is "in" these days (it comes in and out of fashion regularly). I see the brand new clothing on the rack often has rips and fades. Struggling with fashion trends is pretty difficult. Filthy is subjective. I mean, you say no filthy clothes, and I totally agree, but then I wonder if we would agree on what's filthy.

-as you have no hips, wear a belt.

If his pants fall off, he'll want a belt on his own. Suspenders might be cool. But not if his mom suggests it!! I'd be more focused on not showing underwear.

All very subjective though. You have to decide for yourself, of course!!!
 
#11 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
Personally, I'd let a lot of those go. If he wants to wear filthy or ripped clothes to school, or let his pants fall to his hips, it's probably not worth the battle. If there's a dress code that forbids this, let the school enforce it. If there isn't, give him some "breathing room" to find his own sense of style (or lack therof
) Maybe all the boys are wearing ripped, falling down jeans these days?

2 baths/showers a week sounds like a reasonable minimum to me- although my 11yo sometimes only gets one. She's really not that stinky yet and I've chosen to pick my battles. My almost 13yo bathes every other day, sometimes daily, as she cares about her appearance now.

I would, however, insist on the bed having sheets, as sleeping on an uncovered mattress shortens the lifespan of the mattress, and if he sweats and stinks up the mattress it will be incredibly hard to get the stink out.

It's fine to impose your rules on household stuff- he's gotta sleep with sheets on the bed to protect the bed that you spent good money on. Your house, your rules, even if it's his own private bedroom with a closable door. But I'd back off on what he does to his own body. He's not harming himself by sleeping in jeans and then going to school the next day without changing his clothes!
ita. Though if she means top sheet, I wouldn't care. I don't use a top sheet half the time, but yes I would want a sheet on the bed. I would want regular bathing, but the rest I wouldn't personally care about
 
#13 ·
I think that is a valid concern, so if I were you, I woudl try to explain that to him and see if it helps.

(I don't know if you did already or not, just brainstorming.
)

ETA: Not that I think that someone would call cps, but I would have the same concern.
 
#14 ·
The only thing I'd hold on to is requiring him to bathe regularly. Having been a teen recently, I can tell you that it's probably not worth the eventual battle for the rest of the things. My mom tried that stuff, but eventually let most of it go and stuck to the things that were really important-bathing, hygiene, cleanliness, ext. I plan on doing the same when my wee ones are teens.
 
#15 ·
I'd let most of that go.

I sometimes say to my ds 'People must think I don't care about you if they see you wearing that stuff' which he takes in good humour and sometimes has an effect.

Schoolwear isn't an issue here because he wears uniform, or rather half of it because he never wears more than the shirt and tie under his many-pocketed green fleece jacket whatever the weather....

I am stinky if I don't shower every day and both my boys are the same. Ds1 is aware that being stinky is not good if you are out in company and does take care of his fragrance and wear clean clothes every day - even if they are all worn out
 
#19 ·
From my girls I expect a reasonable standard of bodily cleanliness. I would hold firm on that one, as would I in regards to the bottom sheet. I let my daughters sleep in jeans although I have NO idea how that can be comfortable. I require that the clothes they wear to school are clean (although they push it). I prefer that they don't purposefully rip holes or draw on their clothing. But, if/when it happens, they wear said clothes to school. I have also been known to let Dd12 (almost 13) wear pajamas to both school and church.
 
#20 ·
I dont care what my kids sleep in but... They must bathe daily. They must keep a sheet on the bed. Clothes will be school appropriate. And a belt will be worn to prevent saggy pants. My boys have zero problems with these rules. I am not a tyrant, I promise...lol.
 
#21 ·
I don't think your list in unreasonable at all. He is fairly young to be so rebellious, or maybe mine were just compliant. :) I think it would be uncomfortable to sleep in jeans, and I wonder if that would be hard on his sheets? Jeans are pretty rough and I think they would wear out his sheets and maybe pull the sheets off his bed. Maybe that is why he doesn't want a sheet? Cleanliness is important to me and I wanted to teach my children that. So, yes, I say hold firm and good luck!
 
#22 ·
But if he's uncomfortable in jeans at night he probably just wouldn't choose to sleep in them right?


Also you might be able to find inexpensive sheets at thrift or goodwill stores. Just thinking out loud.
 
#23 ·
I didn't asnwer the poll.. I think it would matter the family dynamics and I have know idea what they are. Some kids will rebel with reminders and some kids will take the hint..

But I can tell you that my sister and I met an old guy friend the other day...really successful...wealthy. But no partner...nobody to sniff him. He was wearing (what we guessed) about a 2k or more suit. But he smelled stale and nearly rank. It was clear that he had worn the suit a few times and had not taken it to the cleaners in between wearings. It wasn't wrinkled...he obviously hung it up after he wore...but it was *clear* that it had not seen a cleaner in a bit. It was also pretty clear that he had not showered the day we met with him. He just *didn't realize*. It was my sister who called him later to share. (She was closer to him. We like him too much to not mention it). To give him some credit--his shoes rocked. Although we never got close enough to sniff his sockies.


My only point is that sometimes, even successful, intelligent people don't get the hygeine message when they are kids. Our friend is a *very* successful person, living well in Manhattan...but he still missed the boat on some things.

Not that a teen is the same as a 30 -something adult, of course.
 
#24 ·
Is he still in a single classroom? If you have a relationship with his teacher, you might consider calling him/her and just giving a head's up about his current clothing "taste" and give the teacher permission to call you if he/she thinks he is crossing into offensive territory. My guess is since the school most likely sees many, many kids dressed similarly to yours every day, that for it to be a big deal to them, it would have to be REALLY bad!
 
#25 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by kathymuggle View Post
We have some expectations which are insanely reasonable.
-bathe regularly (every 2 days would be nice, heck even 2X week without complaint would suffice)
-do not wear your jeans to bed
-sleep with a sheet on the bed.
-do not go to school in filthy or ripped clothes
-as you have no hips, wear a belt.

MY DS does not want to follow them. I am sure it is a (mini) power struggle. I do not think (tbh) he will arbitrairily start meeting resaonable expectations on his own - he is quite easy going and laissez faire. I do not think the grubbiness will bug his friends - hence logical consequences will not help

So....Do I hold firm to the reasonable expectations, or do I "let go" (and hope he develops some standards on his own?)

DS is almost 12, with few issues. Overall, a happy dude.

Vote please! And advice, if you have btdt.

Kathy

we have the same kid!!
except the jeans to bed, just wear the same underwear day in day out.
Until he goes to hug me and the smell knocks me over.
 
#26 ·
I would totally let all of that go. It's not that important, especially the clothes thing. Read the "preteens/teens and the grubby look" thread that I started. It might give you some insight into what others think about "the messy look." Personally, i'm all for letting them do what they want with their bodies and their clothes.
 
#27 ·
I would be firm about the bathing thing, but try to let the rest go. I mean, sure, I'd let him know how I feel about it! But then let him make choices.

With the belt thing -- I personally wouldn't care -- but kids get into trouble these days if their pants are falling down at school. Is it mentioned in his school dress code?
 
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