10 yo looked at inappropriate stuff on net at friends house. what to do? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 11:25 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I have been thinking about this all week and don't know how to approach it. When my 10 yo dd asked to have her own email addy I told her it would be okay, but once in awhile I'd have to monitor it to make sure nothing funny was going on (predators). She's had email for a few months and I went on for the first time and saw an email address I didn't recognize and clicked on the message. It was a message from her friend that said she was worried because "remember when we looked up that innappropriate stuff at my house when you spent the night? every time i type the word 'g' on google it shows that we looked at it. i don't know how to make it go away, and if my mom sees it i'm doomed. please help!"

This is a sensitive area here. It could be a learning experience for both of us. I just don't know how to talk about it without making her defensive. I want her to ask me if she has questions. Besides I wonder what the heck starts with "g" that's so bad, unless it's girls this or guys this.

My second dilemma is, do I have a responsibility to tell the other parent about this? The other family is a go to church every time it's open family and I'm worried that if I mention this that little girl won't get a learning experience. She'll be worse off. She'll be shamed.

Tell me what to do, oh wise ones!
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#2 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 11:39 AM
 
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The only thing I could think of that would start with a "g" that could possibly be taboo is "gay"?

I might wait until we were in the car or doing something like cooking...something that didn't put the pressure of a face to face conversation. Just casually remind her how you told her that you would be checking her email and then tell her what you found and let it go from there. I would be very casual about it even if you are secretly freaking out inside. I think we have all probably looked up "inappropriate stuff" on the Internet just out of curiosity.

Did her friend actually say "remember when we looked at that "inappropriate" stuff"? That's big language for a ten year old.

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#3 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 12:13 PM
 
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I would bring it up almost nonchalantly and make it very clear that it's not about being in trouble or your being angry-just that you wanted to give her an opportunity to discuss what she saw and what's going on in her head about it.
That's the way I would handle it. As far as telling the other parents-if there is a possibility that they would freak on her and make this worse for her, I'd avoid it.

My oldest daughter and her friend thought it would be funny to look up 'butts' a few years ago-they got a surprise. I talked to her the same way and it worked out fine. SHe hasn't looked up butts, since!!!

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#4 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 12:29 PM
 
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Since she knows you were going to be monitoring her email, why don't you just ask her what it was that she and her friend looked up and go from there.

I can't think of anything "inappropriate" that starts with g. Gay comes to mind, but I don't see how that's inappropriate. The first 10 google results for that word are pretty mild anyway . . . personals sites, wikipedia, and one offensive homophobic site. Maybe the girls had heard people use the word negatively and wanted to find out what it meant? Not sure if you've talked to your child about that or not.

I probably wouldn't tell the other parents, especially not if they are the type who may overreact. If it's something serious, maybe bring it up with the other girl when she is at your house next . . . or just educate your own daughter, who will probably tell her friend.

I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.

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#5 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 12:31 PM
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gspot?
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#6 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 12:44 PM
 
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Originally Posted by funkygranolamama View Post

My second dilemma is, do I have a responsibility to tell the other parent about this? The other family is a go to church every time it's open family and I'm worried that if I mention this that little girl won't get a learning experience. She'll be worse off. She'll be shamed.

Tell me what to do, oh wise ones!
First, give people who go to church a little credit. I don't know their particular beliefs or parenting style, but many churches are about forgiveness and redemption and love. We got to church a lot, and I would never shame my ten year old for normal, curious behavior.

That said, without knowing what happened, I don't know that I would approach the other girl's parents.

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#7 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 01:18 PM
 
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Have you checked your google for a G word?

I would just come out and ask her. It isn't really any of her business how you found out. Just tell her that you found out that she and her friend were using her friend's computer innapropriately. Then ask her if there is anything else she needs to tell you. Then ask her if there is anything she wants to know.

My dd knows that with the privelage of having her own computer comes the knowledge that I may (and will) read everything she writes on the computer if I feel like I need to. SHe is responsible for giving me ALL of her passwords. I have never looked (except her myspace) and I don't intend to unless I feel like I need to. At age ten, I would want to know what she is up to.

Ten year olds are not mature enough to know who is a danger and who isn't. Some people can seem so nice, and so sincere.
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#8 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The only thing I could think of that would start with a "g" that could possibly be taboo is "gay"?

I might wait until we were in the car or doing something like cooking...something that didn't put the pressure of a face to face conversation. Just casually remind her how you told her that you would be checking her email and then tell her what you found and let it go from there. I would be very casual about it even if you are secretly freaking out inside. I think we have all probably looked up "inappropriate stuff" on the Internet just out of curiosity.

Did her friend actually say "remember when we looked at that "inappropriate" stuff"? That's big language for a ten year old.
FOR REAL!!! She did say inappropriate! I thought that was odd, too!
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#9 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 02:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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First, give people who go to church a little credit. I don't know their particular beliefs or parenting style, but many churches are about forgiveness and redemption and love. We got to church a lot, and I would never shame my ten year old for normal, curious behavior.

That said, without knowing what happened, I don't know that I would approach the other girl's parents.
I'm sorry! Didn't mean that to be personal, or attacking all people who go to church. I'm big on telling my kids that you can never say "All____ are___", generalizing. I wasn't trying to generalize, just giving you an idea that these aren't the kind of people who let things slide. They are strict and people of routine.
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#10 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 02:35 PM
 
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Did you look in your daughter's "send items" folder to see if she had replied?

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#11 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 02:43 PM
 
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When did she spend the night? Recently or weeks ago? If it was a one time thing weeks ago, I wouldn't necessarily say anything. Like one of the pps mentioned, we have all looked at stuff we weren't supposed to, out of curiosity...

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#12 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 02:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i just talked to her about it. she said they wanted to see vanessa hudgins naked picture. she said the "g" she mentioned was referring to her being afraid her mom would see she'd been on google and check the history. her friend told her mom (just found out) and mom was aggravated but didn't punish her. she did take away the computer from her, though.
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#13 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 03:36 PM
 
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i just talked to her about it. she said they wanted to see vanessa hudgins naked picture. she said the "g" she mentioned was referring to her being afraid her mom would see she'd been on google and check the history. her friend told her mom (just found out) and mom was aggravated but didn't punish her. she did take away the computer from her, though.
I wonder if they weren't searching for Gabriella naked. Which is way tamer than phrases I was coming up with.

Google is off-limits if I'm not in the room. For the most part, they stick to that. My son learned the hard way that not all Manga is his kind of Manga.
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#14 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 05:30 PM
 
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Hehe, those pics are easy to find.

I think it was harsh to take away the computer for that. They weren't in any danger.

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#15 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 05:32 PM
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isn't taking the computer away a punishment?
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#16 of 70 Old 01-11-2008, 06:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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isn't taking the computer away a punishment?
yep i worded myself incorrectly yet again. poo on me
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#17 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 05:20 AM
 
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I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.
Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I would have mentioned it to the other parents because I would have wanted someone to tell me if I were in that situation. OP, it must ease your mind that your dd was comfortable enough to discuss it with you.
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#18 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 09:01 AM
 
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Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.
I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.

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#19 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 10:45 AM
 
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Really? You'd teach your dd's friend a way to hide things from her parents? I would be very worried about what other things she might try to look for if she had that knowledge.

I would have mentioned it to the other parents because I would have wanted someone to tell me if I were in that situation. OP, it must ease your mind that your dd was comfortable enough to discuss it with you.
I totally agree. The internet is a wonderful thing-- the amoun of information is incredible-- but I have definitely seen things I wish I never had and had "relationships" (at a young age!) that were probably inappropriate.

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#20 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 03:15 PM
 
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I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
The other girls parents may have different beliefs about whether or not the internet is dangerous or if gross porn something they think is really serious - it would be around here. Seems to me that they should be able to make parenting choices about their beliefs without other people making those decisions for them.
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#21 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 04:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm really glad she was willing to talk with me about it. What I was worried about what confronting her in a way that would make her feel defensive and then she wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about things. Sometimes I can appear to be rough around the edges when I'm not trying to. I really need to read that book, something like how to talk so they will listen type thing. I'm way too confrontational. Any other book reccomendations?
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#22 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 04:36 PM
 
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there are many worse things they could have been looking for


maybe something to suggest to the other mom, if you talk to her about it, is using 'safe search' on google. You can change the settings for google to block any text or photos that are inappropriate for young eyes

We have 4 computers in our home, and each one is set to safe search. Even mine and my dhs since the kids sometimes use them. I'm sure if they really wanted to they could get around it, but mine haven't yet
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#23 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 04:38 PM
 
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I'm really glad she was willing to talk with me about it. What I was worried about what confronting her in a way that would make her feel defensive and then she wouldn't feel like she could talk to me about things. Sometimes I can appear to be rough around the edges when I'm not trying to. I really need to read that book, something like how to talk so they will listen type thing. I'm way too confrontational. Any other book reccomendations?
You have a way to start a conversation like that now. The next time you need to bring something up to her, you can start by saying,

"Remember that time we talked about XYZ? I appreciate how you handled that/your honesty/etc. I'm happy we can talk about things so easily."

This helps her remember a time you talked and it was safe. You didn't flip, you didn't punish, you just talked. Her brain recalls that event and tells her, "This is okay."
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#24 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 04:45 PM
 
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I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
I'm in the camp that says the internet isn't for children to peruse without guidelines. There are things I wish I'd never stumbled upon online. I can't imagine not protecting my kids from seeing those images. And there IS worse than "gross porn" online. Much worse. Violent, disturbing, grotesque, terrifying things that are a Google search away.

If it's innocent curiosity, they won't get in trouble at home. That is the child's parents' determination to make.
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#25 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 05:14 PM
 
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Since she knows you were going to be monitoring her email, why don't you just ask her what it was that she and her friend looked up and go from there.
It could be many things: gspot, gay, girl on girl, the list could go on. I'm sure they were just being curious. If they are in public school then I'm sure they hear it all. I'd just ask her. I have an open relationship with my 12 yr old and you better believe I would ask him. In fact it would have been asked that instant.

Btw, I put in G on google and the only bad thing on the page was something about the g-spot. I doubt at 10 yrs old that is what it is though. I saw things about sex in movies and on t.v. at that age and it just went over my head. I'm sure it was something. But you never know in this day and time.

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#26 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 05:16 PM
 
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I'm not in the camp that thinks the internet is dangerous. The worst they're going to find is some gross porn, and I don't think that's the end of the world.

If I thought my daughter's friend was going to get in trouble at home for having some innocent curiousity, yes, I'd absolutely teach her how to cover her tracks . . . or get DP to teach her since computers are not my thing.
Do you have a child in this age range yet? Just curious. If not, you may have a totally different outlook on things when your child gets to this age. If you do have a child this age then as a parent it seems to me that you are afraid you are going to alienate your daughter so you will do whatever you can to make her think you are cool in front of her friends. That's not a good thing to do in this case. If we were discussing taking them to a day spa then yes, be the cool mom. But the internet is a totally different situation, totally different!

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#27 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 05:24 PM
 
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Do you have a child in this age range yet? Just curious.
Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.

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#28 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 05:29 PM
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As for whether to tell the another child's parents... I'd base that on how the conversation with my own child went. If I had any sense that another child was making dangerous choices, yes, I'd alert a parent to that.
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#29 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 05:41 PM
 
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Not yet, but this was how I was raised -- my mom never would have put limits on the internet (or anything else, really) unless she thought there was a pressing safety issue at hand.

I simply don't believe that the internet is dangerous -- certainly searching for things isn't, no matter what words you type in. My children will be taught how to look out for themselves online, as far as not giving out too much personal info without my permission, and how to block people who try to talk to them about things they don't want to talk about, but I don't intend to use any kind of net nanny/safe search stuff on our computers.
If that works for you and your family, great. I, on the other hand, disagree. I think that kids CAN be harmed my what they might see on the internet. Not physically harmed, but definitely emotionally and mentally harmed. If you think it is fine, that is your right, for YOUR family. I don't think anyone has the right to make that decision for another family and I would be LIVID if someone, another parent no less, taught my child how to cover their tracks online. :
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#30 of 70 Old 01-12-2008, 08:27 PM
 
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I'd tell them how to clear the search history, too, if the friend's parents are going to freak out over this.

I think that is something they need to figure out on their own. It isn't my place to teach another child how to cover their tracks. If they are going to look at innapropriate material, they need to learn how to hide it themselves.

Letting them sweat it out is just a natural consequense. It's better to learn consequenses when the risks are small.
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