My Daughters having sex! - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 02:53 PM
 
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I'll be watching this thread. No advice to offer right now.
mee too
I feel for you !
Hang in there and keep the communication line open.

Tracy
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#32 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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I'm so glad to hear she came to you. I'm dreading this myself, but hoping that she will come to me. My DD will be 16 in March and has been dating her boyfriend on and off for the last 8 months or so. She insists they haven't gone that far, but I feel like it will go in that direction. Especially since she just went and got a thong on her own when she had previously thought they were gross. I just think thong panties for a teenager might = wanting to be more sexy for her boyfriend!

My daughter, I think, has been honest with me so far...telling me what they've done, and how she thinks "semenal fluid" is gross...but her boyfriend is two years older, and I'm pretty sure he wants to do more. ugggg.
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#33 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 06:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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As for some of the comments above! Thank you for being here and I definatly agree with all of you! Of couse I am very aware that no amount of protection (esp BCP alone) can prevent her from having a baby besides NOT HAVING SEX IN THE FIRST PLACE! I did have a talk with my daughter and laid out all the "mature" consequnces that come with such a "mature" decision. I hope to sit both her and her boyfriend down together. But like one of the comments above said "shes going to do it with or without my consent" I cant protect her from everything so I will do my best to do my part. I am so glad I get to hear all the great feedback from different parents! It really brings a tear to my eye knowing that I have people I can talk with and truly recieve great advice without being judged!

ps-momalisa!
I felt the same way as you before my daughter came to me! When children are in a long term relationship (anything more than three months is a long time to them! haha) they start to think that "they will get married" and all different types of thoughts, I know i did at that age! I would maybe bring her to the gynecologists for routine check up and just ask if she needs BCP you will put her on it, that way maybe she will feel like your offering (but you dont want to encourage her either). It's a tough job being a mom huh! Just let her know that you love her and will not judge her on her decision at any point (thats the last thing they need in their lives)


THANKS EVERYONE I LOVE YOU ALL!
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#34 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 06:52 PM
 
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I asked my gyno and the family doc about getting an exam for her, and they told me that she doesn't need to start having pelvics and so forth until she is either 18 or sexually active. Well, if she doesn't tell anyone she's active, how can I know to take her??? I thought that was kind of a dumb guideline, lol! I'm going to have a chat with her soon and just remind her about the consequences of having sex. My youngest daughter is 3, and she is very challenging at times, and my DD often says she never wants any kids because of the little one! We asked her earlier if she was going to wait till she got married and she said yes, and then I laughed, and then she got offended at my laughing at that. Regardless....we will be having another of those uncomfortable talks! I don't find them uncomfy....but the girls do!
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#35 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 08:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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haha i know exactly what you mean! However, before i found out that my daughter was sexually active they told me between 15 and 16 to start coming not only do they want to check after your sexually active but with having a regular menstrual period they usually like to check to make sure everything is working properly. I would just take her for a check-up anyway (they can't tell you no haha). Yes, I would have one of those talks for sure but make sure its not to overbearing or too pushy in the direction of not to do it. I think it tends to scare them a little more into telling you because they know what decision you would like them to make haha (OF COURSE EVERY MOTHERS DREAM WOULD BE TO WAIT FOR HER TO BE MARRIED AM I RIGHT?! LOL). I trust my daughter as you trust yours and I'm sure your daughter is responsible enough to come to you when she is!

HUGS AND KISSES
let me know how it goes!
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#36 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 09:08 PM
 
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I think I will take her right around her 16th birthday...or a little sooner maybe. She has either a skin colored mole or wart right next to her nose and I want to get it removed for her. It's small, but it bugs her. She needs a checkup anyway.
She will probably have sex before she is out of high school if I have to guess. I don't want her to, but it's likely. I did at almost 16...but I only did it twice and thought it was really not so hot, and then waited to do it again until about 2 months after I graduated. It was much better that time, but I think I was more ready, and that particular boyfriend was more appropriate for me, anatomically speaking, LOL!!!!!
What I'm nervous about is: Prom night. It's in less than two months. All I can hope is, that her big fluffy dress is a huge deterrent in him getting anywhere near her nether-regions that night! OR better yet, her period is due right around that time!!! Isn't that terrible? I just worry that they'll get all caught up in the romance of the evening. She isn't going to be allowed to go to any of the after-prom parties, so hopefully that will reduce the chances. I may slide a condom in her purse anyway, I don't know.
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#37 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 10:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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girlfriend, i feel ya! But honestly, prom nights are so hot anymore. It's so cliche, kids these days go to parties and make other bad choices (like drink, smoke, etc.) NOT SAYING YOUR DAUGHTER WOULD PARTAKE IN SUCH EVENTS!!!! hahaah Don't be worried because you can't do anything. I came to a point where i realized I can't stop her from living her life and having "the highschool experience" all you can do is just ask questions, love her, and off your advice DO NOT PUSH IT. i found the more i pushed something the more they wanted to do it....go figure! Anyway, talk to her, set a curfew or if she's sleeping out have her call her from her girlfriends house phone haha just check in don't worry sweety i'm sure she's a great girl!
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#38 of 54 Old 01-30-2008, 12:15 AM
 
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I'm surprised that no one has mentioned seeing a midwife instead of an OB/Gyn. I wish I had known about midwives when I was 16!

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#39 of 54 Old 01-30-2008, 12:42 AM
 
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midwifery isn't legal in all states, unfortunately.

I looked and I cannot even find a midwife practicing in our area at all. I used one for our last two births in PA, but I had to go with an regular gyn once we moved south.
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#40 of 54 Old 01-30-2008, 02:03 AM
 
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Like the other readers, I am very impressed with your relationship with your daughter. It gives me hope for mine!
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#41 of 54 Old 02-01-2008, 05:29 PM
 
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I was 15 when i first went to the OBGYN and I'm glad I did because they found a slight bacterial infection. Nothing sex related, but I had to take big pills. I think it's better to start teens earlier because they will because more aware of their body and get into a routine of going every year so when they get to college and become sexual active they will already have a comfortable relationship with their doctor and feel better about going to the doctor if anything is irregular.

It's just good music if you can feel it in your soul. - Tim McGraw
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#42 of 54 Old 02-02-2008, 01:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaLisa1 View Post
midwifery isn't legal in all states, unfortunately.

I looked and I cannot even find a midwife practicing in our area at all. I used one for our last two births in PA, but I had to go with an regular gyn once we moved south.
"All 50 States have recognized nurse-midwifery as a legal profession."
http://bhpr.hrsa.gov/kidscareers/nurse_midwife.htm

But CM's, CPM's & direct entry midwives are not able to legally practice in all states, you're right.

MamaLisa1, American College of Nurse-Midwives, North Carolina Chapter has lots of info if you're still in NC.
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#43 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 06:36 PM
 
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As a teen I can tell you the things that truely drove me up the wall as far as sex talks went when i was younger:
~being talked down to
~being yelled at
~being told I'm massivly immature

My only advice (coming for the other side of the conversation) is to talk to your child like an adult. Sex is an adult activity and needs to be treated as such. It is a natural thing, you know? Just the fact that she can talk to you about it is great. The only sex talk my mother and I have is "mom, I need to go to the gyn." "er..ok" granted now it's different but back then it was just plain alkward.

Just make sure she gets the facts. Good luck. I know it's tough for you because you kid's growing up but you'll be ok, don't worry!

Kris: in love with J "auntie" to W (7yrs)  and Z (5yrs)
 
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Someday it will be my turn!
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#44 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 07:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaLisa1 View Post
midwifery isn't legal in all states, unfortunately.

I looked and I cannot even find a midwife practicing in our area at all. I used one for our last two births in PA, but I had to go with an regular gyn once we moved south.
That isn't true. Certified nurse midwives are legal and licensed in all 50 states. That said, you might not have one in your area as some areas are less likely to have midwives, but there isn't one single US state that makes CNMs illegal. You can go to the ACNM.org website and plug in your zip code to find one near you.
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#45 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 07:26 PM
 
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Taking Charge of Your Fertility
I think there is a teen version of that somewhere - I've heard it's good!

Your User Agreement here at MDC, read it and make it your friend and read the FAQ to answer all the questions of the (MDC) world.
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#46 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 07:37 PM
 
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You have done a wonderful job raising your daughter!! Keep that communication open!!

I couldn't even say the word sex in front of my mom when I was a teen and I'm still not comfortable saying it.

I hope I have a very open relationship with my daughters.

Happily married and unschooling 5 kiddos Oct. 2004, July, 2007, July, 2009, Oct. 2010, Nov. 2012 uc.jpg

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#47 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 07:43 PM
 
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I want to add my congratulations to you for your dd coming to you. When I was a teen, I wanted very much to be able to talk to my mom. She would have been understanding about anything I told her, I know that for sure. But...and this is a BIG but...she would have told my dad anything and everything I might have confided in her, because she didn't believe in keeping anything from my dad. Believe me, I DO understand that, but on the other hand, I think some things are better left between dd and mother. Unless dd has no problem with her dad knowing.
As a result of my not being able to talk to my mom when I needed to, I made sure that all three of my dc knew that they could always talk to me and I would always respect their confidences. My dd1 came to me just before having sex, and we discussed the pros and cons...protection, the love aspect, and so forth. She has told me that it meant so much to her, to be able to confide in me. I you for having that kind of relationship with your dd. It's not easy, knowing that your "baby" is having sex. But at least when/if there are problems, you will be the first she'll come to. Good luck mama.

Missing my Auntie
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#48 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 07:59 PM
 
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The only fresh piece of advice (other than huge yeah thats to everything above) is to not make predictions about her relationship. Don't assume it's going to be forever, but don't assume it isn't either. Don't assume anything. Just be in the moment with her, and be proud of yourself that you "done good" enough to have this trust placed in you.
:

Peaceful mama to three blissfully-birthed and incredible small people: dd10, dd7 and ds5. Always awed and so thankful to be a midwife.
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#49 of 54 Old 02-05-2008, 09:15 PM
 
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Any update? How was her appointment? Did you find any of the recommended books, and if so, what did you think of them?

Wanted to mention that if you haven't already, you should probably thank your daughter for coming to you and talking about all this. Tell her you are proud of her for coming to you, that it means a lot to you that she trusted you, and that you'd like her to keep coming to you in the future - no matter what's going on, you're available.

That would have been huge for me to hear from my Mom, you know?
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#50 of 54 Old 02-06-2008, 03:20 PM
 
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There is now a vaccination available for HPV. Girls between the ages of 9 and 26 are considered "eligible" from what I have read. HPV results in genital warts and some forms of cervical cancer, and some people do not present signs of it. This requires a pap smear. My girls will be vaccinated at 12. I wish my son could be vaccinated. So far I have not heard of HPV vaccinations for boys.
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#51 of 54 Old 02-06-2008, 03:35 PM
 
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tinuviel - you haven't been here long, huh? Check out the Vaccinations board. Lots to read and consider. Most members here are no/delayed/selective vax, and there's been much discussion about the so-called HPV vaccine.
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#52 of 54 Old 02-06-2008, 05:33 PM
 
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Great for you! I HOPE my dd trusts me that much when she's a teenager. I know I couldn't talk to my mom about that stuff. When I did get pregnant with dd (1 1/2 yrs AFTER moving out of her house) she still had an attack like it was her problem. And my father.... well have you ever heard the story of the Virgin Mary? Well that's what he thinks happened to me, twice! Lucky girl huh? I think you've done a great job so far. My sis is 17 and just went to get a checkup and bc. I had to get her ins card from mom and take her and mom still didn't like it. Poor girl. At least I did it for her.. Nobody did that for me. I just used condoms and prayed I wouldn't get pregnant. Keep up the good work.
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#53 of 54 Old 02-06-2008, 06:54 PM
 
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OF COURSE EVERY MOTHERS DREAM WOULD BE TO WAIT FOR HER TO BE MARRIED AM I RIGHT?! LOL
Nope. I would definitely prefer for my DDs not to wait till marriage.

Congrats to your DD, she is lucky to have a mother she can talk to about these things!
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#54 of 54 Old 02-06-2008, 07:22 PM
 
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I would just like to point out, that even the most level headed, well rounded, well meaning kids do make mistakes too. I started having sex when I was 16 -made my bf (now hubby) buy the condoms, knew the drill. Hell *I* was the one all my friends came to when they had questions about sex/bc/relationships. They knew my mom would be understanding if they needed help and that she wouldn't judge them etc. I have a pretty good relationship with my mom and though I didn't tell her everything, we were pretty open.

Despite all that, I had unprotected sex with my bf and after 6 months being sexualy active we got pregnant. Fortunetly, we have beat the odds in pretty much every other way (in fact we're expecting #3 in july)

It was a total blind side to my mom. She felt absolulty betrayed becuase I was the one that *knew better* etc. But being smarter or knowing better doesn't stop you from making mistakes. So please, please. please do not assume that your kids are smarter then that, or know better or what ever.

Talking to you about sex is only the first step - keep that communication open, it's issential!

Good luck!

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