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#1 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 10:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Oh lord, the time has come! My daughter came to me very upset and proclaimed "Mom, i'm having sex". You could only imagine my reaction! I always told my daughter if she was ever thinking about having sex to come and talk to me about it so i could make sure she was protected and help her through the situation. As a mother, I'm very worried and not happy about her choice but at the same time I'm very pleased she did talk to me about it. She is sixteen and has been dating this boy for a year, and he's a very nice kid and i do believe they truley care for one another. Does Anyone have any advice on how to talk to her and make sure she is being responsible? How to comfort her? And me, haha? I'm a mess! I can't tell my husband because he will go crazy and my daughter asked me not to. Please any advice!
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#2 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:00 PM
 
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Oh my... I think it's great she feels she can trust you to talk about these things. *HUGS*

As much I don't approve, I would try very hard not to be judgemental. Here is a list of things I'd do....

* I'd ask about how she feels about the boy.
* I'd ask how she feels about sex (curious, nervous, excited?)
* I'd ask what she knows / needs regarding protection (take her to the store, or the doctor, or both and go over protection options).
* I would also ask if there is anything I can do for her in general.
* I would mention how much I appreciate her trust (this is a big thing to tell your parent).

New endeavor coming soon...
Raising Alice in Wonderland (DSD, 17), and in love with a Superman
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#3 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for your reply! I really do appreciate it I'm very overwhelmed and any opinions i receive are great! Your approach was awesome, and i know she really cares about him, he's been in her life for over a year. I love her to death and i just don't want to see her get hurt. I am going to schedule a doctors app. asap! I'm still contemplating whether or not to tell my husband aah..scary thought!


Thank you so much!
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#4 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:11 PM
 
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I wouldn't tell him because she asked you not to.

For her to trust you enough to come and tell you that she is having sex, is huge. Don't break her trust mama!


I wish my mother had been this great. I just do not have anymore advice

Erika SO to *S*: and Aunt to *A*(10), *Z*(9), and *D*(8)
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#5 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:19 PM
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I'll be watching this thread. No advice to offer right now.
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#6 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thats what inspired me to be so open with my daughter. When i was her age and i started having sex it was a scary and confusing place. I wish I could have talked to my mother about it. I don't want my children to go at things like this alone. I want my kids to be able to talk to me and i hope (and my daughter has just approved this) i gave them that enviornment. Thank you so much for your reply, every piece of advice i can get helps!

hugssss
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#7 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Oh my... I think it's great she feels she can trust you to talk about these things. *HUGS*

As much I don't approve, I would try very hard not to be judgemental. Here is a list of things I'd do....

* I'd ask about how she feels about the boy.
* I'd ask how she feels about sex (curious, nervous, excited?)
* I'd ask what she knows / needs regarding protection (take her to the store, or the doctor, or both and go over protection options).
* I would also ask if there is anything I can do for her in general.
* I would mention how much I appreciate her trust (this is a big thing to tell your parent).
Yes to all of this. My mom is a great mom, but I never was comfortable enough to tell her I had sex even though I was older than your dd. Don't tell your dh yet. Don't lose your dd's trust. After she gets used to the idea of you knowing and you make sure everything is ok, then ask her if you can tell dh because you don't feel comfortable keeping secrets from him. Then take it from there, but for now, don't do anything that will scare her into not confiding in you.
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#8 of 54 Old 01-26-2008, 11:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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very good point. I don't like keeping things from my family ha thats probably how my daughter feels also! Thank you so much for your continuing support!
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#9 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 12:07 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Oriole View Post


* I'd ask about how she feels about the boy.
* I'd ask how she feels about sex (curious, nervous, excited?)
* I'd ask what she knows / needs regarding protection (take her to the store, or the doctor, or both and go over protection options).
* I would also ask if there is anything I can do for her in general.
* I would mention how much I appreciate her trust (this is a big thing to tell your parent).
This is really good advice Good luck mama!

April thankful mommy to my boys Big Red 3/06 Little Z 9/08 and happily awaiting the arrival of 10/10 :
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#10 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 12:11 AM
 
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Wow.. this speaks volumes about your relationship with your daughter! I have three daughters and I hope that they feel so comfortable talking with me about such things.

I agree with all that!
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#11 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 02:46 AM
 
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Well I haven't btdt with finding out after. When dd was considering having sex with her boyfriend we talked about protection and I gave her a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves and Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I wanted her to have backup in case she had questions and just wanted to look it up or something other than having to totally rely on talking to me. I also bought some condoms and the sponge for her just so she had some choices.
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#12 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 03:13 AM
 
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btdt twice. It's something I'm darned proud of that both of my teens felt comfortable confiding in me AND that both of them waited to have sex until they were in established, long term, loving relationships. I'm genuinely sorry that ds's relationship didn't last, even though it seemed so obvious to me that it wouldn't.

As a former teenager, I make sure that there are condoms in the bathroom just as I make sure that there is toilet paper, tampons, and other necessities. ds made some comment about not wanting me to freak out if I found a condom in his pocket and I assured him that I'd freak out if I DIDN'T.

These kids are up against so much more in the way of STDs than we ever had to deal with. There's too much at stake to trust that your partner will be monogamous. dd also uses foam and we have spoken about NFP. She inherited my thermometer after Terran was conceived, but I have always emphasized that charting, foam, and other kinds of birth control are to be used in ADDITION to condoms.
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#13 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 03:28 AM
 
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I'm just blown away by her telling you that! That is such a victory and a testament to an open, loving relationship! Woohoo! I wish I'd been able to talk to my mom the way she can clearly talk to you. No advice, just a *happy dance!*
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#14 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 03:59 AM
 
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These kids are up against so much more in the way of STDs than we ever had to deal with.
You know I'm going to respectfully disagree with this. I notice we are about the same age, going by your sig. I'm 43, I remember when AIDS first arrived, I was sexually active before AIDS. I think kids today have it much better than people of our generation. When it first broke no one knew for sure how you go it, how to protect yourself and there was no test. It was scary times. For all you knew you already had it or was sleeping with someone who did and just didn't know it yet.

Kids today have much easier IMO. And let's not forget prior generations before there was a safe reliable cure for syphilis.
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#15 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 04:00 AM
 
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The only fresh piece of advice (other than huge yeah thats to everything above) is to not make predictions about her relationship. Don't assume it's going to be forever, but don't assume it isn't either. Don't assume anything. Just be in the moment with her, and be proud of yourself that you "done good" enough to have this trust placed in you.
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#16 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 08:49 AM
 
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Just adding my congratulations that she felt she could go to you with this information. Having dated for a year you know it's not a short term relationship and obviously her and her bf gave alot of thought to this. My daughters 17 and 15 are both in long term relationships and also sexually active. It's just part of the growing up process and I think you've done a great job with her. Barb
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#17 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 02:10 PM
 
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I hope my dd tells me too. I'd kinda like to hear about it before she has decided to have sex though.

If this were my dd, I would take her to the doctor and get her on some birth control pills ASAP. (which might also solve some of her other problems as well) I would even pay for them as long as she was still in school/college.
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#18 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 02:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you so much for everyones support! I just logged on and was overwhelmed and a tear came to my eye knowing that i have the support of moms everywhere. Everyones advice gave me all different kinds of ideas, i scheduled an app with the doctor on Feb. 5th! I will be paying for it for as long as she needs me to. I got her set up in this forum for teens who have questions and maybe she will feel better talking to her peers just as I do talking to all of you! I talk to her everyday and I support my daughter in every decision that she makes! I also am planning to have a sit down with her and he boyfriends (not judgmental) but to explain things to both of them. I will keep updating everyone and I love the support!


p.s hope to get a picture of my daughter up soon!
LOVE YOU ALL
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#19 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 02:53 PM
 
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Congratulations on your smart daughter and great relationship with her! I wish more moms were like that! I have one piece of advice to add to the mix, be sure to let your daughter know that no matter how much she loves her boyfriend, and how much he loves her, and even if she is on birth control, DON'T STOP USING THE CONDOMS!!! No matter what a boy says(I've been tested, I was a virgin when I met you, etc), don't ever NOT use a condom (or dental dam)! There are STD's that can't be tested for, and as much as you want to trust them, boys (and girls) might lie and/or cheat. Good Luck!
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#20 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 03:38 PM - Thread Starter
 
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very good piece of advice. Very wise addition, you are absolutely right. I will be sure to bring this up to my daughter and also her boyfriend. There are so many things to know and i do wish that she would be crossing this path at an older age but the times now have changed. Thank you for all your love and support!
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#21 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 05:29 PM
 
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I think it's great that your daughter feels she can come to you with such private information.

My elder dd, now 18, and I talked a lot (ad nauseum, according to her LOL) about safe sex and feelings and personal satisfaction and such and STILL I wonder if she's 'okay' so just keep talking and staying close. ((()))
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#22 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 05:39 PM
 
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#23 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 06:08 PM
 
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very good piece of advice. Very wise addition, you are absolutely right. I will be sure to bring this up to my daughter and also her boyfriend. There are so many things to know and i do wish that she would be crossing this path at an older age but the times now have changed. Thank you for all your love and support!
One other thing teens don't think about. But, more often than not, when a teenage girl gets pregnant and choses to have the baby, the father will be out of the picture within a few years. The boy really doesn't carry the same responsibility as the girl does. Neither one will ever imagine him leaving her with a child to raise alone, but in the end, he can. So, remind her that even if he is a "stand up guy" he is just a kid, and he most likely wont be there for long if things get complicated.

I am not saying that that is a bad thing, or that all teenage boys will run off to finish their life, but it is a reality that she needs to keep in mind when he says "Can't we just do it without a condom this one time, I just want to see what it's like".
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#24 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 06:26 PM
 
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It is very neat to read about the relationship between mom and daughter.

Yet... I would ask her to go and read in a couple of the forums here. She needs to understand that pregnancy is not something that happens only to those who are not responsible. There are women here who have got pregnant on every single method out there. I think this is something every teen should know, otherwise it is not a matter of a real decision but rather of ignorance.

Mama to a little lady and always praying for more.
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#25 of 54 Old 01-27-2008, 11:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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In response to nextcommercial:
Yes, i do agree with your views. However, the fact that my daughter came to me i feel she was wise and wanted to avoid this situation. My daughter will be on birth control in the next week and I will be supplying her with condoms as well. As a mother, i can only guide her and the fact she has come to me, I know I did my job. I believe that by her being on birth control and protected at all times she will not have to cross that path. And if by any chance she does(which I know my daughter is smarter than that) I hope she knows her family will always be by her side. But I do thank you for your response and adding your thoughts! Everything counts!

thanks again!
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#26 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 09:52 AM
 
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just a quick post to say that my first was also at that age with a boy I really loved. I still have no regrets (some others that came after, yea, lol, but not that first one - it was a good first love)
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#27 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 10:26 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Anumaria View Post
It is very neat to read about the relationship between mom and daughter.

Yet... I would ask her to go and read in a couple of the forums here. She needs to understand that pregnancy is not something that happens only to those who are not responsible. There are women here who have got pregnant on every single method out there. I think this is something every teen should know, otherwise it is not a matter of a real decision but rather of ignorance.
That!
Being "protected" is a great idea but being in a sexual relationship should mean that you are ready for the consequences of that kind of relationship too.

April thankful mommy to my boys Big Red 3/06 Little Z 9/08 and happily awaiting the arrival of 10/10 :
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#28 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 11:51 AM
 
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good job she came to you and didnt hide it great relationship
she is going to do it if you aprove or not so i say got condoms lots of condoms and just put them in her room with a note saying let me know if you need more... this is what i have always said and will do when my kids are older. i will not wait till they are having sex to have them on hand for them. why because my mother told me that if i had sex to use condoms i asked her if she is going to buy them she told me no i asked if she will give me money to buy them she said no i said then how am i to use something that i dont have but i had a sweet dr that use to give me lots of them even before i was having sex just incase
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#29 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 01:57 PM
 
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In response to nextcommercial:
Yes, i do agree with your views. However, the fact that my daughter came to me i feel she was wise and wanted to avoid this situation. My daughter will be on birth control in the next week and I will be supplying her with condoms as well. As a mother, i can only guide her and the fact she has come to me, I know I did my job. I believe that by her being on birth control and protected at all times she will not have to cross that path. And if by any chance she does(which I know my daughter is smarter than that) I hope she knows her family will always be by her side. But I do thank you for your response and adding your thoughts! Everything counts!

thanks again!
Your confidence in your daughter is wonderful - but no method of birth control is 100% effective 100% of the time. She and her partner need to remember that - it isn't just about being smart. Using the BCP and condoms properly will significantly decrease the chances of pregnancy, but as part of a mature sexual relationship they might consider having a conversation about what they would do if they did conceive a child together.

Good for you for being the kind of mom your dd can talk to!
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#30 of 54 Old 01-28-2008, 02:52 PM
 
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Oh my... I think it's great she feels she can trust you to talk about these things. *HUGS*
I agree. I would revel in the fact that she knows she can trust you and wanted to share this with you while she is *still* 16. I never would have shared such info with either one of my parents at that age or even at the age of 30, lol. You must be a great mom!

I agree with the suggestions of some of the others. All you can do is be there for her. I don't know if I agree with you on hiding the fact that she is having sex from your husband. My husband would be livid if he ever found out I knew something like that and didn't tell him, but on the other hand, he would also go ballistic if he knew about it. So I guess one never knows what they will do until they are in that situation themselves.

Single (divorced), self-employed working, college student MOM to:

 

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