anyone have adult children living at home? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#31 of 53 Old 02-12-2008, 12:26 PM
 
Joyce in the mts.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Adirondack Mts. of NY
Posts: 3,081
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
All three of my children are over 20 and two of them live here on the property. One son lives with us in our house, and the other lives in a cabin that he and my husband built, up the path.

They both work for a living and contribute regularly to the household by doing chores and contributing to bills, i.e.: they haul wood in for the woodstove because it keeps everyone warm, they contribute to the power bill and the phone bill... they buy food and sometimes cook. They pay their personal expenses such as car insurance. They help with clearing snow and with other maintenance around our property- my husband and I are not getting any younger.

We all pull together and really... with the economy as it is, and as it may be for a time in the future before it gets better, we feel this is not a bad way to live. It works for us.

BONUS: By the way, because we have this arrangement, my husband and I feel darn lucky to have live-in dog and house sitters. We can go on vacations and feel secure that all is well. One time we were gone and strong storm caused a power outage and there was an issue with our waterpump... the guys dealt with it and all was well. Good to know we can leave our home in their hands with peace of mind.

Our daughter, also in her 20's has her own home in a neighboring town with her boyfriend. That is what's right for her. She and her boyfriend work very hard, as do both our sons. Our oldest son has lived on his own several times over the years. We certainly expect he will do so again if/when the time and situation is right, as will our youngest son.

We have no issue whether or not they choose to move on or stay. Either way, we're good.


J.

CD Labor/Postpartum (MSTM), Doula trainer (BAI), Midwifery Student/Apprentice, CPS Tech
Joyce in the mts. is offline  
#32 of 53 Old 02-12-2008, 12:46 PM
 
Joyce in the mts.'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Adirondack Mts. of NY
Posts: 3,081
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Forgot to say: I think that this nuclear family idea was a big mistake anyhow... y'know the mom and dad and 1.2 kids or whatever it was. I don't much like the culture that it has spawned.

I prefer a more tribal, extended family anyhow where there is always a safety net for all generations.

My mom was born at the beginning of the Great Depression. Her extended family came to live with her and her parents and siblings. She never knew that they were all poor- they had a farm, a garden, worked together and had fun together. Her grandmother lived with them too.

What a wonderful, upbringing that was- and it did have some serious warts, but still was more conducive to relationships- compared to what is accepted as the "norm" today. We have a whole generation- one generation at least- that is so detached that there is some attitude of not caring about anyone else.

And y'know... I cannot say that the accompanying centralization of many cultural infrastructural necessities such as medical care, education and separation of elders from the family and other things that have come about since establishment of the nuclear family, is all particularly positive. Who knows what our culture would be like if after WW2, our culture had developed in a different manner?

I know that is not the only factor in cultural development, and I know my historic perception may be off, but perhaps you see what I am saying. I think that too much emphasis is put on everyone fending for themselves in a one size fits all manner- you're 18 or 21 or whatever age, and now you are OUT. We expect a level of independence from birth in many families- outside those who are a bit radical or resistant and have found value in more compassionate ways of living or whom have found a different practical sensibility.

So be it. That's my two cents...for whatever it is worth. Perhaps it's just ramblings that don't make sense. So be that too.


J.

CD Labor/Postpartum (MSTM), Doula trainer (BAI), Midwifery Student/Apprentice, CPS Tech
Joyce in the mts. is offline  
#33 of 53 Old 02-12-2008, 02:38 PM
 
Lady Lilya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 3,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
Well... I'm 24 and maybe a moocher... I don't know. My dh and I live in my parents summer home, and dh plans on getting his BA of Ed. I stay home with our ds, and do some wahm stuff. Have I always been this "productive" and "driven" and had vision for the future. NO.

My parents have a really great attitude about this, and tell people when they give them $%#& over helping their children so much:

20 is the new 40. 20 somethings are expected to have a great job, a degree, a house, a car and a booming portfolio. But a generation ago, and back, people were not expected to be worldly successful and "have it together" until their late 30's ish.

I agree with this idea, which my parents just shared with me recently, when I was feeling so bad that we are just getting our lives "on track". There is so much pressure on young people to succeed, that it's really easy to just tune out and want to rebel and be a kid and do nothing. It's also harder for some people than others to get used to the working world, and it's something that takes time, maturity and life experiences.

Try to give your "moocher" some time to germinate, and maybe they will suprise you soon with great aspirations and dreams. I know I have grown so much from the person I was at 20. I am a harder worker, a more responsible worker and more focused.

Just my two cents, which I borrowed from my Mom.
You are definitely NOT a moocher. You take care of a living being. Your DH has goals for self-growth. Not what I was talking about AT ALL.

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
Lady Lilya is offline  
#34 of 53 Old 02-12-2008, 02:42 PM
 
Lady Lilya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 3,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Joyce, your kids are absolutely not moochers either.

Not that I have appointed myself the judge of mooching. Just that I don't think what you describe at all resembles the concerns of the OP. I don't think anyone on this thread has expressed any complaints over multigenerational living -- only when the adult children do not either contribute or work towards bettering themselves.

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
Lady Lilya is offline  
#35 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 02:58 PM
 
lil_earthmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
You are definitely NOT a moocher. You take care of a living being. Your DH has goals for self-growth. Not what I was talking about AT ALL.
Thanks ! But I have been a moocher, and have been the 20 something that couldn't hold a job and just wanted to sleep all day and have fun all night kwim? I guess I just think that growing up takes more time than 18 years, you're barely ready to begin growing up at that point.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
lil_earthmomma is offline  
#36 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 04:07 PM
 
JamSamMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 213
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I am 35 years old and live with my parents with my 2 kids and my dog and cat! I certainly am not living here for financial reasons I sold a great house last year (I thought it would take much longer than one month to sell) and wanted support and help with my kids. My husband is a major in the U.S. Air Force and is in Afghanistan for 15 months. He left when my DD#2 was 3 weeks old and I moved at 6 weeks PP into my parents house and sold my home a month later. My parents love seeing the kids every day my DD#1 was born in Japan and my parents did not see her until she was 9 months old. My parents love having us here and I really needed the help last year with my thyroid crashing pp and I got mastitis 5 times in a three month period. My mom helped me so much and now that I am feeling better I am able to help my mom clean, do laundry, grocery shop. My husband will be home in April and we will be moving again maby overseas or half way across the country so my parents will really miss us when we are gone. We might see each other once a year. It has not always been easy for all of us but I am so glad my parents have bonded so well with their gandkids. My dad just turned 84 last month and is very healthy but I still get concerned about his age and I will always be glad I had the opportunity to live here with the kids and spend more time with my parents.
Before all this I did live at home until I was 24 and finally got my degree in nursing. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a living and I went to a junior college for 5.5 years and worked at a grocery store. My sister moved back home a few times in her late 20's swithcing majors and jobs before she finally decided on nursing. I think it is the most difficult decision for a young person to make....which career to make money and enjoy for the rest of your life? Most of my friends at the grocery store worked and went to school and switched majors...it was so frustrating for some they never finished shcool.
JamSamMom is offline  
#37 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 05:52 PM
 
Lady Lilya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 3,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
Thanks ! But I have been a moocher, and have been the 20 something that couldn't hold a job and just wanted to sleep all day and have fun all night kwim? I guess I just think that growing up takes more time than 18 years, you're barely ready to begin growing up at that point.
Yeah, but why?

There are plenty of examples of people who were mature at 20, or 18, or 16. Not mature like a 40yo, but past that stage of partying and evading all responsibility. I KNOW we humans are capable of that. Look at Admiral Farragut, who first captained a ship at the age of 12! There are a lot of examples that show that children are capable of a lot more than our culture expects.

Is it the cultural expectation that your 20s are supposed to be for nothing but fun that causes this?

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
Lady Lilya is offline  
#38 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 05:59 PM
 
Lady Lilya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 3,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Before all this I did live at home until I was 24 and finally got my degree in nursing. It took me a long time to figure out what I wanted to do for a living and I went to a junior college for 5.5 years and worked at a grocery store. My sister moved back home a few times in her late 20's swithcing majors and jobs before she finally decided on nursing. I think it is the most difficult decision for a young person to make....which career to make money and enjoy for the rest of your life? Most of my friends at the grocery store worked and went to school and switched majors...it was so frustrating for some they never finished shcool.
I think my parents would be ECSTATIC if my sister showed any interest in ANY possible course of study or potential career. An earning a bit of her own spending cash is more than they could even imagine.

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
Lady Lilya is offline  
#39 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 10:15 PM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
doobla postage-ness
UUMom is offline  
#40 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 10:18 PM
 
UUMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 9,777
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
edited-- not that interested in this convo
UUMom is offline  
#41 of 53 Old 02-13-2008, 10:33 PM
 
lil_earthmomma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,446
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady Lilya View Post
Yeah, but why?

There are plenty of examples of people who were mature at 20, or 18, or 16. Not mature like a 40yo, but past that stage of partying and evading all responsibility. I KNOW we humans are capable of that. Look at Admiral Farragut, who first captained a ship at the age of 12! There are a lot of examples that show that children are capable of a lot more than our culture expects.

Is it the cultural expectation that your 20s are supposed to be for nothing but fun that causes this?
I'm not sure... I don't believe it's the cultural expectation of partying fun, because I was not raised in that environment at all. For me, I believe that I burnt out at 18. I was so pushed to succeed in school, piano, and everything else that I just broke. I couldn't focus anymore, I was all used up for a while.

I lived in the country, had chores, was very responsible and very "mature" for my age. I went by myself to Panama on a relief trip to orphanages, I taught piano to children at 14... I don't know. I just stopped being able to do all of this.

I think that people who are "successful" at 18, 19, 20 etc. are just naturally driven, or are being pushed. Some people just take more time to come into their own. I also don't believe that children are "getting it easy" these days. I think most mainstream kids have very little childhood, or at least that was my experience, and I see many children who are expected to do hours of homework every night, on top of a million extra-curriculars they are suppose to exell at...

I was just trying to use my life as an example of the good that can come from being patient with your seemingly moochy kid.

I am not crunchy enough for this forum. Everyday I get a little crunchier though! :
lil_earthmomma is offline  
#42 of 53 Old 02-14-2008, 03:09 PM
 
Lady Lilya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Durham, NC
Posts: 3,721
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by lil_earthmomma View Post
I'm not sure... I don't believe it's the cultural expectation of partying fun, because I was not raised in that environment at all. For me, I believe that I burnt out at 18. I was so pushed to succeed in school, piano, and everything else that I just broke. I couldn't focus anymore, I was all used up for a while.

I lived in the country, had chores, was very responsible and very "mature" for my age. I went by myself to Panama on a relief trip to orphanages, I taught piano to children at 14... I don't know. I just stopped being able to do all of this.

I think that people who are "successful" at 18, 19, 20 etc. are just naturally driven, or are being pushed. Some people just take more time to come into their own. I also don't believe that children are "getting it easy" these days. I think most mainstream kids have very little childhood, or at least that was my experience, and I see many children who are expected to do hours of homework every night, on top of a million extra-curriculars they are suppose to exell at...

I was just trying to use my life as an example of the good that can come from being patient with your seemingly moochy kid.
I can see that -- burn out. I felt it too, but was too afraid for my future to give myself a break. So I just got more and more mediocre for a while. Skipped some opportunities for college-level courses during high school and opted for the slightly less demanding equivalents. Half-assed my essays on college applications. Was relieved when they didn't accept me. Chose a not-so-strenuous course of study in NYU. Wasn't ambitious about my career.

I don't see where my sister could claim burn out, though. She has never done anything "extra." She did what was needed to just pass in junior high. She failed everything her first year of high school. She then went back to just passing, except math and spanish and gym which she cut 2/3 of the time and failed. She got accepted to Brooklyn College because of her great SAT scores. (She has a brain, and a good vocabulary from having read a ton until she was about 12.) Then she took about 4 credits per semester (full time is usually 16ish) and failed or barely-passed for a while. Then they sent her a letter that if she doesn't get her GPA above 2 by a certain deadline she was out. She got Bs on a few classes and squeaked by that problem. Then she stopped taking classes at all for almost a year. She SAID she was looking for a job, but when I talked to her it sounded like she had only checked out 3 leads and given up.

Truth is, this is a SPECTACULAR record compared to her friends. Most of them lack basic reading and arithmetic skills. But she seems to have this HUGE potential. Like she could do almost anything if she put her mind to it. She just never puts her mind to anything besides hanging out.

Leigh, mama to Rostislav homeborn Aug 9 2007, and Oksana homeborn Feb 24 2011.
Lady Lilya is offline  
#43 of 53 Old 02-15-2008, 04:10 PM
 
Sage.Naissance's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 454
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sounds like your sister has not found her niche and truth be told I doubt she will find it in the comfort of the parents home.
I enthusiastically moved out at the age of 17, raised in a house where I got lots of love and support but had to get a job at 14, and definitely HAD to pull my weight in the house. I was a bratty teenager but a bratty teenager that could cook excellent meals, do laundry, and knew how to make a toilet bowl sparkle using vinaigre.
I moved out and struggled like mad, living in a francophone city 10 hours away from my parents house trying to make $$. I didnt go to uni straight away, and have done a bit here and there but in this struggle and in branching out I found my calling, Midwifery, and have developed into a successful hardworking woman who absolutely adores and respects her parents. My brother(19) is about to go to uni and he's terrified but he'll do okay.
I think living with your parents is very situational. I could have/ could not live with my parents as an adult because a)I grew up pretty quickly and developed my own ideals about living that are important to me(ie not living a TV centred life, being calm & low stress) that are very contrary to the way my family lives, b)The place my parents live I have NO desire to live, c)Im nearly ready to get it together and have a family myself in the next few years.
However if my parents place was in a great city I wanted to live in, and I had a path that I could maintain while living with my parents, and they didnt watch so much bloody TV I would consider living with my parents because they are amazing. But for kids who dont seem to do much, dont have a path, and are sort of freaked out at the concept of independance & figuring it out should be pushed out a bit. I also think that kids who don't respect their parents or the sheer expense of living and act like spoiled brats should be pushed out. They just have to try to make rent and feed themselves to get a reality check.
Sage.Naissance is offline  
#44 of 53 Old 02-16-2008, 02:11 AM
 
alllyssa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
If you need a support group, I take it that this arrangement of your adult kids living at home is NOT working for you. Sounds like it's time for your adult children to move out. At some point you can only do so much and then (for some kids) the whole mama bird making the baby bird fly thing needs to happen :-)

Not easy, but good luck.

Alyssa
Mama to Scott (USAF), Katie (18), Karlie (16), Kimmy (9), Klara (4.5), and Baby Khloe (2.5)
alllyssa is offline  
#45 of 53 Old 02-18-2008, 05:23 PM
 
susan0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
so glad i "came upon" this forum and thread today, as i just had yet another "blow out" with my dd.. i think one of the reasons i feel so upset about this whole situation is that i helped create it.

a little history:
dd is 25 yrs old. just graduated in december with her masters in teaching. fortunately got a job and now makes more money than i do. my dh retired in november. to this day we still pay her car insurance and she doesn't contribute anything to the household...she doesn't wash her own clothes, doesn't cook, shop for groceries, hardly even makes her bed. not to mention she will not help me with keeping the house clean...she always has worked since she's been 16..and besides going to college has maintained at least 2 part-time jobs. of course all the money she has made she has spent...on her loser boyfriend who doesn't work or trying to pay off her credit cards!

i also have a 21 yr old ds who is away at college and works co-op jobs during the summer. he pays for his own food, car insurance and when home keeps his room clean and helps us in the yard!

today the straw broke the camels back when i told my daughter she was going to have to start paying for her own groceries. she got so angry she cursed at me and then left.

now my dh and i DO have an extra acre that we were planning on building a house on so our dd could rent from us (cheap of course) but because of her behavior, disrespect and attitude i really think it would be better for her to get her own place. i think she could afford it.

i have no problem with our children living with us if they "contribute" to the home but it appears that at least with my dd this will not happen (i've asked in the past and she'll do something a couple of times then quit)...

again i know i'm responsible for some of this behavior because i did not set boundaries. just wanted to share and get some other opinions.
susan0314 is offline  
#46 of 53 Old 02-18-2008, 06:17 PM
 
rabbitmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Norway
Posts: 981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan0314 View Post
now my dh and i DO have an extra acre that we were planning on building a house on so our dd could rent from us (cheap of course) but because of her behavior, disrespect and attitude i really think it would be better for her to get her own place. i think she could afford it.

i have no problem with our children living with us if they "contribute" to the home but it appears that at least with my dd this will not happen (i've asked in the past and she'll do something a couple of times then quit)...

again i know i'm responsible for some of this behavior because i did not set boundaries. just wanted to share and get some other opinions.
Sounds like we are in about the same situation. My 24 year old daughter could have rented a flat in our house, but I think she is much better off moving out and getting used to taking care of herself. It has been two years now with increasing frustration for all of us. She has finally found herself a flat to rent somewhere else, and she's moving on Wednesday. It was not voluntary on her part - I just couldn't handle anymore of her attitude and lack of contribution. I never thought I would be so happy to have my child move out. It has been really hard for me to get to the point of actually forcing her to move, but I really think it's for the best.

I wish you luck - it sounds like it would be a good idea for you to build that house and rent it to somebody else for a proper price - your daughter will most likely manage fine and will probably feel better about herself when she gets more independant.
rabbitmum is offline  
#47 of 53 Old 02-18-2008, 08:14 PM
 
susan0314's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.

i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."

to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.
susan0314 is offline  
#48 of 53 Old 02-18-2008, 08:16 PM
 
funkygranolamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 1,681
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
we moved in with my parents last year after a tornado took our home for about 4 months. it was awesome. my mom and i enjoyed the "villageness" of it. It was nice to put a load of laundry in and come back to it folded, and same for mom, if I found clothes that needed laundering, I'd keep the process going. It was like that for everything, trash, dishes, cleaning. It was awesome. They didn't allow us to pay rent but we did contribute groceries and cleaning. I can't imagine letting them do all that. For those of you who have kids freeloading like that I'd be tempted to encourage them to get their own place, too. I'm no spring chicken, though, I'm 30.
funkygranolamama is offline  
#49 of 53 Old 02-18-2008, 08:22 PM
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Palm Desert, CA
Posts: 1,186
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My 3 brothers and I all lived with my parents at least part of our young adulthood. Mainly because we all get along really well with my parents and they were willing to help us rent-free get on our feet. I lived with my parents off and on until I got married at 23 because I traveled the world on mission trips part time, so that was their way of helping sponsor me. My brother and his wife lived with my parents for 2 years after their marriage, until my brother was 22, his wife 20 and they bought their first home. They were only able to buy a home because my parents let them stay rent free with them, and my brother and SIL both had fulltime jobs and were dilligent to save almost ALL their money. My 21 yr old brother left as soon as he turned 18 though because him and my Dad are too much alike and butt heads all the time. My baby brother also moved out several months after turning 18 as he wanted to experience life on his own as well.

Our situation was different though as we all were doing something responsible with our time/money AND contributing...my brothers worked alot in the yard and in addition to doing my own laundry I kept the guest bathroom I used clean, did the dishes at least a few times a week for my Mom and helped her keep the house clean in general. My parents would NEVER allow lazy free-loading, my Dad taught us a very strong work ethic. If we were like that he would have kicked us out in no time flat.

Happily married to DH for 6 years, in process to foster-adopt 3 children DD4, DS3 and DS2. We may be bringing half brother age 9 one day as well! We are not infertile, we just have decided that since there are precious children who need homes there is no need for us to have biological children.

nicolelynn is offline  
#50 of 53 Old 02-18-2008, 08:24 PM
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Palm Desert, CA
Posts: 1,186
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My 3 brothers and I all lived with my parents at least part of our young adulthood. Mainly because we all get along really well with my parents and they were willing to help us rent-free get on our feet. I lived with my parents off and on until I got married at 23 because I traveled the world on mission trips part time, so that was their way of helping sponsor me. My brother and his wife lived with my parents for 2 years after their marriage, until my brother was 22, his wife 20 and they bought their first home. They were only able to buy a home because my parents let them stay rent free with them, and my brother and SIL both had fulltime jobs and were dilligent to save almost ALL their money. My 21 yr old brother left as soon as he turned 18 though because him and my Dad are too much alike and butt heads all the time. My baby brother also moved out several months after turning 18 as he wanted to experience life on his own as well.

Our situation was different though as we all were doing something responsible with our time/money AND contributing...my brothers worked alot in the yard and in addition to doing my own laundry I kept the guest bathroom I used clean, did the dishes at least a few times a week for my Mom and helped her keep the house clean in general. My parents would NEVER allow lazy free-loading, my Dad taught us a very strong work ethic. If we were like that he would have kicked us out in no time flat.

Happily married to DH for 6 years, in process to foster-adopt 3 children DD4, DS3 and DS2. We may be bringing half brother age 9 one day as well! We are not infertile, we just have decided that since there are precious children who need homes there is no need for us to have biological children.

nicolelynn is offline  
#51 of 53 Old 02-20-2008, 02:58 PM
 
mom2 5 3ds2dd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: PA.
Posts: 10
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My oldest daughter is 24 ,she is still home she does work full time but is just not ready to be on her own ,we are fine with that I figured when she is ready she will move out ,she is great help to the family if I need a babysitter and she is off never a problem ,helps with the house ,my other daughter who is 20 is gone on her own (COLLEGE) has been for 2 years now its just the way each one is .
mom2 5 3ds2dd is offline  
#52 of 53 Old 02-23-2008, 04:23 PM
 
alllyssa's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 579
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Susan:

"to this day we still pay her car insurance and she doesn't contribute anything to the household...she doesn't wash her own clothes, doesn't cook, shop for groceries, hardly even makes her bed. not to mention she will not help me with keeping the house clean..."

You have GOT to be kidding me! Your daughter has a master's degree - she a teacher, she is an ADULT. Wow, I'm just in shock - what does your husband think about letting DD take, take, take and give nothing in return?

Alyssa
Mama to Scott (USAF), Katie (18), Karlie (16), Kimmy (9), Klara (4.5), and Baby Khloe (2.5)
alllyssa is offline  
#53 of 53 Old 02-23-2008, 07:06 PM
 
rabbitmum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Norway
Posts: 981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by susan0314 View Post
thanks for your reply. it helps to know i'm not the only one! i too was hoping it would work out for her to rent off of us..but it's probably just more heartache down the road cause she would still have to be accountable for the place. and if she can't do it with us now, who says she'll be any different.

i read somewhere today that There is an old saying: "Those for whom you do the most, wind up resenting you the worst."

to be honest, i can't bring myself to tell her she has to move out yet..but i am going to start making it not "as easy" for her to want to stay..meaning that i will not do her laundry or grocery shopping anymore. we will start requiring her to pay rent and she'll have to keep her room decent. i'm sure eventually she'll think well if i have to do all that, i might as well have my own place. i know she eventually does want to move out because she's mentioned it alot lately. but she wants to "catch up" on paying off her credit cards...my issue is, that as long as she's here she won't be channeling her money where it should go because she doesn't have to budget anything.
she goes out to eat every nite! she's constantly shopping...and i'm sure she's somewhat supporting her boyfriend. if she was forced to be on her own she would have to use her money more wisely and would probably feel better about herself.
I used to think exactly like you are thinking. I was going to have her pay rent (we were considering putting it in a separate account so she could use it to get her own place later on), we were going to demand that she contributed in terms of housework, paid some of the food, bought her own shampoo etc. My daughter was also shopping a lot, and it was making me annoyed because while I had to be economical to pay for us all, she was just wasting the money I was saving her.

My thought was that she would realise she might as well get her own place and be her own boss, if we made it just a bit less comfortable for her to stay at home.

But that's not what happened. What happened is that she said she was ok with the conditions we set up for her, but then when she was actually expected to do something, she stalled, argued, developed a horrible attitude - I felt like she was fourteen years old again, and it just got worse and worse. She seemed to resent me more the more I did for her, and the more I did to try to create a workable way of living for us. In the end this - how to help her - took up my thoughts every day, night and day. It was making me resentful, because she has two younger brothers, one of which is only two years old, who also needed and deserved my attention.

I think I should have demanded that she move long ago. It just took me a while to realise that there was no way letting her stay was going to do her any good at all.

Making some demands of your daughter is probably worth a try, but if it doesn't work, I don't think you have any reason to feel bad about telling her to move. Children are, after all, meant to eventually grow up and create their own lives, and your daughter sounds like she is perfecly capable of taking care of herself. My daughter has moved out now, and I really feel like I have done the right thing. Now both of us can get on with our lives.

Btw I think you are right about your daughter not managing to take proper control of her economy while she's living with you.
rabbitmum is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off