Making it comfortable to discuss sex - Mothering Forums

 
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#1 of 15 Old 02-07-2008, 03:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Having just read the thread 'My Daughter's having Sex' made me wonder specifically what steps were taken to establish such a great relationship whereby the daughter felt comfortable being honest.

I currently have a 5yo DD (almost 6). I try to honestly answer any questions she brings to me, but I haven't initiated any conversations other than the one about "its your body and nobody should touch it without your permission". So Mamas, what pointers do you have to lay the groundwork so that sex isn't such a taboo subject? A timeline of appropriateness would be helpful as to when you dicussed things. For what it is worth, this is totally uncharted territory for me. My mother told me nothing. I understood the mechanics of it all from the birds/bees discussion I had with my dad. I still carry a lot of embarrassment and shame regarding sex and certainly don't want to pass that on to my DD. Help me prepare for the future.

Thanks!
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#2 of 15 Old 02-07-2008, 09:30 PM
 
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I honestly don't think it really has to do with open sex discussion itself, it is a result of raising a child that feels that their opinion is respected and that they have the right to make decisions about their life.

The fastest way to prevent open discussion IMO is being authoritarian with kids.
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#3 of 15 Old 02-07-2008, 09:35 PM
 
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My way was to always talk about it whenever it came up (which can be often sometimes). I share a lot about myself and what things were like for me. Even when my kids were young I would always tell all but in a way they could handle. We all know the best way to talk to our kids and no one mom's way is better than another just different. You can tell if your kid isn't able to handle too much. My ds hates it when I talk about sex so I tone it down for him.....
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#4 of 15 Old 02-08-2008, 01:54 AM
 
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#5 of 15 Old 02-08-2008, 03:33 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
I honestly don't think it really has to do with open sex discussion itself, it is a result of raising a child that feels that their opinion is respected and that they have the right to make decisions about their life.

The fastest way to prevent open discussion IMO is being authoritarian with kids.
Exactly. I always made sure that my dc knew that I valued them and their opinions. I started out answering their questions honestly. I also told each of them that if and when they thought that they might be getting close to having sex, I would appreciate it if they would come to me. I made sure they knew that IF they came to me, I would listen, always. That I wanted to discuss things with them, NOT order or demand what they should or should not do. And then I did my best to teach them, to the best of my ability, to respect themselves and expect respect from others.
And IMO, there is no real timeline. Each child is different.

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#6 of 15 Old 02-08-2008, 07:03 AM
 
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I totally agree with Arduinna up there!

We strived to create an atomosphere that didn't paint the human body as "dirty" or "shameful", and that sexuality is a normal healthy thing. We let them know that they could ask any question and they'd never be turned away or teased.

Dd (14) recently had some new questions about birth control and I was happy to share info and my thoughts with her on it.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#7 of 15 Old 02-08-2008, 09:26 AM
 
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I pretty much agree with the other posters, it's all about creating an environment where our kids know that we respect them. If we expect them to be open with us then we in turn must be open with them when they ask questions. As your kids grow up you will find alot of "teaching moments" for them, whether it be from something that is on tv, or from a relationship we as parents are in. It's not about sitting them down and saying "let's talk about sex," but it's more about every day happenings and events which can lead to very fulfilling discussions. Good luck, sometimes it's challenging but it's also alot of fun as we see our kids maturing and turning into responsible young adults. I think children need to learn that sex is a very wonderful experience if it's in a loving committed relationship.
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#8 of 15 Old 02-08-2008, 07:19 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa View Post
We strived to create an atomosphere that didn't paint the human body as "dirty" or "shameful", and that sexuality is a normal healthy thing. We let them know that they could ask any question and they'd never be turned away or teased.
Yes, I forgot to mention that part. ITA about expressing that sex is normal and healthy for people.
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#9 of 15 Old 02-19-2008, 03:57 PM
 
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my kid has developed breasts and she is 10. Now she has discovered sex toys from my hubby and me. It is time for that talk, huh?
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#10 of 15 Old 02-19-2008, 04:31 PM
 
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I was very open about sex with my children. Even if they didn't bring it up, I would. When I would give my daughter her bath I would show her her female parts and explain what the names were and how special they were. I did the same when the boys were little, explaining how they should keep their uncircumcized penises clean, etc., and also how special little boys were. As they got older we would talk about various things, even around the dining room table. People's attitudes, and what some of their friends might say that isn't true, and about masturbation, etc. We wanted to have an open relationship with our children, unlike the way we were brought up. It seems to have paid off because now that they are adults, they are very responsible.
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#11 of 15 Old 02-19-2008, 05:21 PM
 
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greenmama, I wouldn't correlate getting breasts with sex or sex education. I understand that most of our mainstream culture does but, if we are ever to hope for change, we need to teach our girls that their breasts are not sexual objects. It simply means that she is slowly becoming a woman and her body is preparing to feed her babies one day when she grows up and becomes a mother.
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#12 of 15 Old 02-20-2008, 03:05 PM
 
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Hello! I am replying to this because I'm the one who posted the thread "My Daughter is having Sex". I am very flattered that my thread touched someone and helped them to make an effort with their own daughters to have the same kind of relationship I have with my daughter. Trust me, it's not easy. It really isn't knowing the right way to talk to about sex or any of that. It's about the everyday communication with her. I always try to listen and GUIDE her. Not push her. I don't want her to be afraid of me or think I'll yell and punish her if she talks to me. I don't like keeping things from my husband but I will keep the important things my daughter tells me to myself. I usually try to initiate conversations because that way she knows it's okay to talk because I'm the one bringing it up. Also, I always had that mother that if i had a boyfriend when i was still a teenager, she would shoot it down and say things like "well it's not going to last forever". That may be true but it really gave me a bitter taste. Whose to say a teenager can't love. In my opinion, it's the time when someone's love is the purest. They don't worry about their job, income, etc. I know I'm getting a little off topic but the point is to value them as a human being. I'm not saying to never punish them or not to scold them but I'm saying treat them maturely. I always found that talking with a strong tone usually had the impact on my daughter I wanted it to. Screaming and yelling only lets her know "well i can't tell mom if I do this again". I also realize your daughter is still young so my best advice, is treat them maturely, value their decisions,and don't turn them away. Guide them. Make sure you have open discussions and encourage communication. Hope it helps<3
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#13 of 15 Old 02-20-2008, 03:19 PM
 
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#14 of 15 Old 02-24-2008, 05:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mother_sunshine View Post
greenmama, I wouldn't correlate getting breasts with sex or sex education. I understand that most of our mainstream culture does but, if we are ever to hope for change, we need to teach our girls that their breasts are not sexual objects. It simply means that she is slowly becoming a woman and her body is preparing to feed her babies one day when she grows up and becomes a mother.
Sex education generally includes reproduction and breasts are secondary sex characteristics that function as part of our reproductive process. Becoming a mother usually involves some sex
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#15 of 15 Old 02-24-2008, 07:08 AM
 
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Breasts are no more a part of reproduction and sex itself than any other non-sexual part of our body. They are mammary glands that make milk for our children. They are a part of becoming a woman, yes, but just because a girl gets breasts doesn't mean she is any closer to being ready for sex.

My point was that society often confuses breasts with sex, or being sexual, and forgets what their main function/purpose is. Any mother who has been harrassed for breastfeeding in public can reiterate.
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