Period/Underwear ? UPDATE! post 95 - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 113 Old 02-14-2008, 10:58 AM
 
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Originally Posted by mammastar2 View Post
FYI, hydrogen peroxide is awesome for bloodstains - my midwife used it, and I find it works really well. It fizzes, too, which is kind of neat and satisfying: fizz, bubble, blood's gone! Don't know if it would help to have a bottle of it in the bathroom for her to use, or if the bucket of cold water is more practical if she would rather just ignore the problem as soon as possible...
I second the peroxide!! DS bashed his head and got staples last year...while wearing his brand new favorite shirt. The ER nurse told me about it, and every bit came out...even after our 12 hours at the ER!! Yeah..it's a miracle!

;o)
Christy
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#62 of 113 Old 02-14-2008, 11:09 AM
 
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i had bad periods blood everywhere. i use to put proxide on the blood and wash by hand the biggest habbit it to wash when bathing. i also hate laundry even to this day i am known to do like 9 loads in a day
i dont see this being a problem in my house. my panties dont go in the machine they are hand washed and my dd 5 already knows this and trys to remember to put her panties there too. ok so i started training early. lastly i love my panties all girlie kind once in a washer and runined. ummm so u think it is time to get her some these dont go in washer kind? maybe if she loves them enough she will wash them
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#63 of 113 Old 02-15-2008, 12:03 AM
 
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What do those of you with teenage daughters do when you find bloody underwear in the laundry?

dm
Why are you doing a teenagers laundry? I always did my own from the time I was about 10. Especially if she won't respect what you are asking her to do, ask her to do her own.
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#64 of 113 Old 02-15-2008, 12:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Why are you doing a teenagers laundry?
Yeah, I ask myself that frequently. I guess the answer is, I'm doing laundry for four people anyway, how hard is it really to just throw hers in? In seems like a forced chore to make her do her own rather than an actual way of helping out, especially since I hang the laundry to dry and have limited drying space.

But on the other hand, she does pull some laundry shenanigans, so maybe she should just do her own.

dm
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#65 of 113 Old 02-15-2008, 09:55 AM
 
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This is coming from someone who doesn't mind doing laundry - it's just one of those chores I enjoy - but.... maybe she can have responsibility for her laundry and one other person's. Or the towels. That way it takes a real load of work off you, resolves the underwear thing (giving her that privacy and responsibility), etc. Not in addition to her current chores, but if she wanted to swap somethign out? Just thinking out loud...
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#66 of 113 Old 02-15-2008, 10:10 AM
 
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I just wanted to chime in again, I too neglected to see that your dd is from Africa. Blood issues are a HUGE part of culture there. Technically speaking your daughter would now be marrying age!!! Yikes! She would be expected to be in charge of a household!! Well there is some food for thought! No wonder she is so out of sorts. That is a lot of cultural conditioning to overcome in her collective conscience. So approaching from a woman to woman posistion may provide the best connection. Is your daughter able to connect with anyone from her native culture in your area? An older woman who still believes in femaleness? Just ideas.... More responsibilities in the household??? Does she show an apptitude for baking, shopping for food, handwork? I love that you are so commited to her and this challenge! A late breaking brain wave... How about sereptitiously charting her cycle so you are prepared... with a special soaking basin? Ritual providing food and nuturing, reading material?? Journaling too. Time for her to be alone, time with you alone, like a date?
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#67 of 113 Old 02-16-2008, 12:06 PM
 
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We just bought the diva cup. My 16 yo daughter loves it. You can leave it in for up to 12 hours a day with NO leaks! Maybe if she hears about other teen girls wearing them she would be more likely to try it. Also, if she likes to help out with the environment maybe you could use that card too. Think of how many trees and plastics she would be keeping out of the landfills, and it is better for her body too. No bleaching chemicals inside or outside her body.

I bought one too but just got a BFP yesterday..... Haven't told the kids yet!:

Warmly,
Donna
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#68 of 113 Old 02-16-2008, 12:38 PM
 
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By the time I got my period, I had been doing all my own laundry for a couple years.

Show her how, and make her laundry her responsibility. When she runs out of clean clothes and underwear, she'll make the effort to do it on her own.
Betsy said it before I could. We were doing our own laundry (had our own dirty clothes hampers in each of our bedrooms) by the time we were in late elementary school. Mom and Dad took turns doing theirs jointly because they shared a hamper, but my sister and I each did our own. Sharing was an issue for us, and we liked that our clothes didn't mix!

Also, it could save her from some embarrassment. Your theory of nighttime leakage rings true for me. I had problems with leaking the first few years I had my period. I never told my mom. I learned on my own that I had to wear two pads at night to make the "protected area" longer and I tried to sleep on my back without turning over. Looking back on this, I feel sorry for me. I was so embarrassed I never told anyone, and it was stressful to try to do this at camp even more than at home. I was glad I could wash my own sheets and underwear at home.

First child born March 2011.  Constantly in awe!
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#69 of 113 Old 02-18-2008, 10:23 PM
 
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Okay, I'm embarrassed but I'm 31 years old, and I got my period today and bled all over my underwear. I just never know exactly when I'm going to start my period, and when I wear pads, even with wings, they move around and I invariably get them very stained and messy. I don't even bother to rinse them out; I just always wear stained underwear. It's never particularly bothered me. However, I can definitely understand why some people would be grossed out. I think with all of your issues with Desta, I might just ask her if her panties are bloody to just throw them away and buy a new set every month or so. Laundry; well, you might could have all the kiddos start doing their own laundry, but I agree with your husband, I think if Desta was singled out to do it (even though she is older and that would in other circumstances make it a different distinction), it might make her feel less a part of the family.
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#70 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 01:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So, I sat down with Desta and I talked to her about the bloody underwear problem. She said that she sometimes leaks at night because the pads aren't big enough, so we got her bigger ones. I explained that it's better for her underwear and also nicer for me if she soaks them before just tossing them into the laundry. I got her a bucket and some nice-smelling liquid soap to soak them in. I asked her to please soak her underwear, and that if she needed more help choosing the correct pads that we could talk about it more.

I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.

Now what?

dm
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#71 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 01:56 PM
 
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I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.

Now what?

dm
Arg. Seems to me that she's choosing to push your buttons. I think what *I* would do is toss those 3 pairs in the trash and not mention it.

good luck

-Angela
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#72 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 02:29 PM
 
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I think that if your DH doesn't want you to make your daughter do her own laundry, that HE SHOULD DO IT!

My teenagers all do their own laundry. It's a normal, healthy part of learning how to take care of yourself - which I think is one of our jobs as parents.

Alyssa
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#73 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 02:38 PM
 
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I know you've already had gobs of feedback here, and it's definitely one of those YMMV things, but I think cold wet underwear is gross to deal with in the laundry anyway - I'd just rather have the bloody underwear sorted out so it can be washed in cold with towels or whatever. I wonder if this is one of those battles to just not pick. In the big picture, there are more important battles? Just a thought.

Even if you bought a new package of undies once a month and tossed them, you'd not be out much money. You can still comment to her gently, every month, how you feel about it. It's just such an intimate issue - if there's some way to just get by without having to "make a point," there might be some advantage to that.

Sorry you're dealing with this!
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#74 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 02:41 PM
 
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I've been following this thread for a while, and at first I disagreed with the people who said she should do her own laundry. I didn't have to do my own laundry as a teenager. But the more I think about it, I think it would have been better if my mom had expected me to do my own laundry. It would have made me a little bit more responsible. I had a lot of bloody underwear problems, too, and I tended to either: 1. attempt to wash them and dry them myself, when my mom wasn't home 2. hide them 3. throw them away.

If I had had to do my own laundry, this wouldn't have been an issue, I could have just taken care of it myself without shame. I was always really embarrassed about my period. I guess that's another issue altogether though.

Also, if I had been expected to do my own laundry, I wouldn't have gone off to the Air Force when I was 18 never having done a load of laundry in my life:
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#75 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 03:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.
honestly? id probably have flipped out!!!! im so sorry, is there any kind of consequence that would really affect her that you could take away when this happens? I know its not the most GD answer, but man you have been exceedingly patient with her!!!

I really dont know !!!! I just couldnt not respond.
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#76 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 03:12 PM
 
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Okay, I'm embarrassed but I'm 31 years old, and I got my period today and bled all over my underwear. I just never know exactly when I'm going to start my period, and when I wear pads, even with wings, they move around and I invariably get them very stained and messy. I don't even bother to rinse them out; I just always wear stained underwear. It's never particularly bothered me. However, I can definitely understand why some people would be grossed out. I think with all of your issues with Desta, I might just ask her if her panties are bloody to just throw them away and buy a new set every month or so. Laundry; well, you might could have all the kiddos start doing their own laundry, but I agree with your husband, I think if Desta was singled out to do it (even though she is older and that would in other circumstances make it a different distinction), it might make her feel less a part of the family.
I agree. I also sometimes get blood on my underwear, and I also get blood on the bedsheets occasionally. But I don't think bloody panties are "gross".
It happens, to me at least. I am a very heavy bleeder and I'm wondering whether this is the reason. Even though I wear multiple napkins at night I can still bleed through in my sleep.
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#77 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 03:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I also sometimes get blood on my underwear, and I also get blood on the bedsheets occasionally.
Yes, I know, this happens to all women. I understand that. But I don't like sticking my hand into the hamper and coming up with bloody underwear, and I don't think it means I'm unenlightened or something. Probably there are other things that other people find gross that I don't.

dm
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#78 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 04:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Arg. Seems to me that she's choosing to push your buttons. I think what *I* would do is toss those 3 pairs in the trash and not mention it.
Yeah, I'm leaning in this direction. I put them in her sink and I think I'll wait to see whether she mentions it (most likely, she won't).

I have a thread in the adoption forum about how I have been using the book Parenting with Love and Logic recently and how Desta has been responding well to this, so I think I might sit her down (again) and tell her that she can either soak them and I'll wash them or she can put them bloody in the laundry and I'll toss them. Someone in my L&L thread pointed out that something else I had done with Desta, which is working, can be viewed by her as a win no matter what choice she makes. In the underwear situation, she may see it as she "wins" by not having to soak the underwear or she "wins" by me washing them for her, and the choice is hers.

dm
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#79 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 04:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I talked to dh on the phone and I told him about the underwear and he said that he is going to tell Desta that if it happens again, she will be responsible for her own laundry from then on.

dm
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#80 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 04:38 PM
 
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Yeah, I'm leaning in this direction. I put them in her sink and I think I'll wait to see whether she mentions it (most likely, she won't).

I have a thread in the adoption forum about how I have been using the book Parenting with Love and Logic recently and how Desta has been responding well to this, so I think I might sit her down (again) and tell her that she can either soak them and I'll wash them or she can put them bloody in the laundry and I'll toss them. Someone in my L&L thread pointed out that something else I had done with Desta, which is working, can be viewed by her as a win no matter what choice she makes. In the underwear situation, she may see it as she "wins" by not having to soak the underwear or she "wins" by me washing them for her, and the choice is hers.

dm
Also, if they are mixed in with family laundry and could stain and possibly ruin someone else's clothes, you could also say she'd be responsible to pay to replace that person's item of clothing. If they are her own, then she'd just have stained clothing.
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#81 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 05:43 PM
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i had bad periods blood everywhere. i use to put proxide on the blood and wash by hand the biggest habbit it to wash when bathing. i also hate laundry even to this day i am known to do like 9 loads in a day
i dont see this being a problem in my house. my panties dont go in the machine they are hand washed and my dd 5 already knows this and trys to remember to put her panties there too. ok so i started training early. lastly i love my panties all girlie kind once in a washer and runined. ummm so u think it is time to get her some these dont go in washer kind? maybe if she loves them enough she will wash them
I second this idea....I also had/have problems with overflow if I use pads...and I have to sleep on a towel to save my sheets...I own a lot of red undies to avoid the "ruined" appearance that is inevitable, in my case. All the wings and nighttime sized pads don't help. Tampons are great now, but I couldn't use them as a kid. Anyway.....a lot of women are raised hand washing their panties every...single...night in the sink, and then hanging them dry. (Possibly a tradition where scarcity was involved?) Perhaps you could start that tradition with Desta?

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#82 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 05:50 PM
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So, I sat down with Desta and I talked to her about the bloody underwear problem. She said that she sometimes leaks at night because the pads aren't big enough, so we got her bigger ones. I explained that it's better for her underwear and also nicer for me if she soaks them before just tossing them into the laundry. I got her a bucket and some nice-smelling liquid soap to soak them in. I asked her to please soak her underwear, and that if she needed more help choosing the correct pads that we could talk about it more.

I went to do the laundry today and there were three pairs of bloody, unsoaked underwear in the hamper.

Now what?

dm
don't wash the underwear.....simply wait for her to come home, explain that this is what you were talking about, and ask her to put them in the soaking bucket. You may have to do it for a couple of months before she remembers. she's a young teen, and she has more on her mind than underwear.

xoe
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#83 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 05:51 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Perhaps you could start that tradition with Desta?
I can't even get Desta not to ball up her clothes under her bed when she takes them off. She'd think I was either a) crazy or b) deliberately trying to ruin her life if I suggested she handwash her undies every day.

dm
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#84 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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You may have to do it for a couple of months before she remembers. she's a young teen, and she has more on her mind than underwear.
I've been reminding her for a couple of months. That's what started this thread. I am unwilling to spend several more months reminding her. I don't buy the idea that because she's 13 she can't be bothered to remember not to throw bloody underwear in the hamper. The more I think about this, the more I think I should have told her, the third time that this happened (many months ago), that she was now responsible for her own laundry.

dm
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#85 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 06:06 PM
 
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I think you need to buy a couple boxes of latex gloves, one for the laundry person and one for Desta. You can put them on the back of the toilet and one where you empty the hamper. It's possible she's grossed out by handling them, too (the sheets are big enough you can ball them up and not touch the blood). Anyway, you might find some bloody underwear, but you won't find them by touch anymore.
If they are just thrown in the laundry, I would be worried about transfer to other clothes that don't get pre-treated and get stained. Has that happened? It would be a natural consequence to loose shirts/pants/etc. to transfer stains.

I've done a lot of bloody birth laundry. I always use gloves until I'm sure the the laundry has gotten clean (sometimes it takes more than one wash). I second the peroxide recommendation. I also keep a few bottles of spray and wash (one upstairs in my house and one in the laundry) for quick pretreats.

One more thought - at least you're not finding semen stained panties in the wash.

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#86 of 113 Old 03-05-2008, 10:49 PM - Thread Starter
 
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So in the end, I left Desta a note that reminded her we had discussed the bloody underwear question "several" times and that if I found any more bloody underwear in the hamper, she would start doing her own laundry. I left the underwear in a bag with the note. She didn't mention it to me but nor did she ignore me for the rest of the day, which would have happened 3 weeks ago, before I started with Love and Logic.

I should have told her this months ago, so we could have avoided these months of her continuing to test me. She responds best when I play a firm hand, as I have discovered recently. Months and months of trying to "work with" her and be mindful of her fragile emotional state and all that yada yada only made our relationship continue to deteriorate. When I started saying, "This is the consequence for doing that," things started to get better.

dm
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#87 of 113 Old 03-06-2008, 12:43 AM
 
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Great news! Sounds like progress.

-Angela
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#88 of 113 Old 03-06-2008, 08:21 PM
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I was desperately embarrassed any time I had a leak onto my underwear when I was a kid.

I mean, ashamed. Mortified.

If I got blood on a towel after showering, I was berated for it...as if I wasn't embarrassed enough as it was.

I hid the bloodied items...I didn't want my dad and step-mom to see them. And then, if they found them, they would wave them in my face and tell me how disgusting I was.

I just didn't know what to do prevent the leaks...and no one ever sat down and explained it to me. I didn't know how to do the laundry...I didn't know how to rinse the stains.

I have already taken several opportunities to explain to my 11-yr old the best way to rinse blood-stains out of clothes--in cold water, not hot. I already have her helping me do laundry, not necessarily doing it by herself, but helping me do the sorting and washing and folding.

It has been my experience that girls who seem apathetic about their hygiene and their bodies are more likely to be embarrassed and ashamed than they are just slobs, ya know? Not just my own personal experience, but in talking to my friends and their kids, etc...

Do you have any friends or relatives (aunts, cousins, etc) that could maybe talk to her? Maybe it would be easier for her to hear coming from someone else? I know my kids often respond to their uncle better than they respond to me when we're faced with a stand-off, tense situation.

Is there a way for you to try approaching her from an empathetic position instead of an offensive position? I mean, trust me, I'm not saying that you are wrong for being upset by the situation, but if your goal is to get her to change her behavior and what you've been doing clearly isn't working, maybe trying the radically different approach will help.
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#89 of 113 Old 03-06-2008, 08:25 PM
 
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oh cjanelles that sounds awful for you. It's amazing some of the crap we have to endure as kids, isn't it? I can only hope my kids grow up with a minimum of complaints about me!!!
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#90 of 113 Old 03-06-2008, 09:58 PM
 
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I just wanted to chime in on possible cause since it sounds like you have a workable solution. I got my period when I was in 5th grade and was mortified by having to change my pad at school when none of the other girls had their periods (or so I thought). I would go all day without changing my pad, and I had heavy periods from day 1. So of course I would leak, onto my underwear if not through my pants. My mother, after much exasperation, bought me black pants and underwear, especially for when I had my period, so the blood didn't show. When I got home from school I would soak everything in the sink (at first my mother supervised but once I got the hang of it, she stopped) and then brought it straight down to the laundry pile.

So it's possible it's more than just leaking at night, especially if she's younger than 13 emotionally. It's quite possible she's having a tough time dealing with changing pads at school. Just a thought.

Good luck!

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