Period/Underwear ? UPDATE! post 95 - Page 4 - Mothering Forums
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#91 of 113 Old 03-06-2008, 10:13 PM
 
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There is the whole issue with the fact the child is HIV positive. She simply HAS to be careful with her bloody products. I have no idea how to get that thru to her but hopefully your new approach will work. I also wanted to add you are a super mom and I'm in awe of all you do on a daily basis. I lurk here
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#92 of 113 Old 03-06-2008, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I've been reminding her for a couple of months. That's what started this thread. I am unwilling to spend several more months reminding her. I don't buy the idea that because she's 13 she can't be bothered to remember not to throw bloody underwear in the hamper. The more I think about this, the more I think I should have told her, the third time that this happened (many months ago), that she was now responsible for her own laundry.

dm
Awwww.....I didn't realize that reminding her to put the clothes in the water pail would be included in reminding her for months. Sorry things have been so hard for you-- because I'm basically a the type that thinks giving a whole lot of reminders can often send the message that you don't really mean what you say, or you don't think your child has to do it the first/second time you ask. Whatever the case, I hope you find a good solution. The hiding/hoarding issues can be pretty intractable problems. I mentioned I used to own a lot of red undies to deal with my own spillage problems. Perhaps red or brightly colored undies for Desta will make them easier for YOU to spot when you are sorting laundry?

Best wishes. I love your blog!

xoe

P.S.-- just saw that you came up with a pretty good solution! Good for you!
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#93 of 113 Old 03-09-2008, 12:29 AM
 
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Well, I mean, it *is* pretty rude to expect your mother to wash blood out of your underwear on a frequent basis. I'm 20, so not that far out of teenagedom, and while I did my entire family's laundry from the time I was ten, I'd never have expected this of my mother.
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#94 of 113 Old 03-19-2008, 09:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, we did end up addressing this in our intensive therapy sessions, and it did make Desta very angry that I had told them about it.

However, they framed it in terms of a "being in the family in a positive way" issue, and they told Desta that kids who come to their (attachment therapy) program who pull laundry shenanigans get to do their own laundry.

dm
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#95 of 113 Old 03-19-2008, 11:58 AM
 
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Great news. I hope the new therapy is helping too.

-Angela
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#96 of 113 Old 03-19-2008, 09:16 PM
 
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I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation. It has to be hard enough feeling kind of outside the family, but then to get what I'm sure she feels as being picked on for having some accidents.. I'm sure she isn't feeling the love. I had the same problem sometimes when I was a teen. It's hard to keep up with when it comes, how heavy it may or may not be, what to expect each time, how to prepare, how to stay clean.. eventually she will hit the mark and understand her body and also want to care for herself in that way. I understand with her having HIV that it's pretty dangerous for this to occur but just be a little more sensitive maybe. Not like you're put out by it but more like I'm sorry I know this sucks and talk to her like you want to help HER, not get rid of your "gross" problem on laundry day.

I don't mean to sound mean at all, I just know how she feels.
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#97 of 113 Old 03-19-2008, 09:18 PM
 
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Originally Posted by jennifer_lc1 View Post
I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation. <snip>
You really should read this entire thread, and then head over to adoptive parenting and read her other thread.
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#98 of 113 Old 03-19-2008, 10:51 PM
 
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I just want to say that DM is an AMAZING mother and an awesome poster. Would that I had half of her on-line self-possession.

Third generation WOHM. I work by choice.
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#99 of 113 Old 03-21-2008, 04:13 AM
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I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't.. but I kind of disagree with how you handled the situation.
Yeah...you should probably read the whole thread before you decide that you're not in favor of how the OP handled the situation. You can miss a lot in 95 posts...
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#100 of 113 Old 03-21-2008, 09:32 AM
 
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I've read the entire thread and I think its a bit weird that so many of you had to do your whole family's laundry since you were kids and think that's ok but someone doing their child's laundry is strange? Don't get me wrong, bloody underwear is gross but these things happen.

If someone doesn't agree with a long term poster, that should be up to them. People suddenly posting about what a great mom DM is to her kids is a bit childish really. I can think people are great mom's without agreeing with everything they do.

Please don't attack me for this just because I don't post often. I read here a lot.

Maeve, wife to Bobby and TTC since August 05. Mummy to furbabies Jay and Spota since October 03.
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#101 of 113 Old 03-21-2008, 07:20 PM
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If someone doesn't agree with a long term poster, that should be up to them. People suddenly posting about what a great mom DM is to her kids is a bit childish really. I can think people are great mom's without agreeing with everything they do.

Please don't attack me for this just because I don't post often. I read here a lot.
I don't think anyone has attacked anyone in this thread, so I'm not sure what you're talking about. That said, people suggesting to a person who pops in to criticize ANY poster (long-standing member or not) and openly admitting that they don't know the whole story and didn't bother to read the whole thread, well, if you think that is attacking someone, then I'm confused.

I'm not attacking you for your post. And I have NEVER seen anyone get "attacked" on the MDC because they are not long-standing members. I am, however, disagreeing with your assessment that people are childish for suggesting that someone actually take the time to read a thread before they criticize a parent who is trying hard to do the best thing for their family.
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#102 of 113 Old 03-21-2008, 09:05 PM
 
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Yeah...you should probably read the whole thread before you decide that you're not in favor of how the OP handled the situation. You can miss a lot in 95 posts...
... I don't really have that kind of time, who does? I can comment however I please, afterall it is my opinion! I am not judging anyone, or saying she is a bad mother.. uh or a bad poster to comment on someone elses response. I simply stated my opinion ladies. Put your claws away
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#103 of 113 Old 03-21-2008, 09:10 PM
 
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[QUOTE=willthiswork;10819508] Don't get me wrong, bloody underwear is gross but these things happen.
QUOTE]

Exactly. You're all acting as if she not only pooped in your cereal but she forced you to eat it.

If it is so sickening and gross and you can't deal with accidents anymore, have her do it once and for all.

I did my laundry starting from the time I was 10 on. My mom had no time to do laundry on top of taking care of 3 kids, running a house, and working. It's just something your child should've picked up by now.
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#104 of 113 Old 03-21-2008, 09:46 PM
 
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Sorry attacking is the wrong word. It all seemed a little passive aggressive to me. But hey, my period came early today (please note that I'm ttc for 2.5 years now so this really sucks) and now I have bloody knickers so maybe I'm not the best person to give advice here.

And suggesting that people read the whole thread is not what I called childish. Perhaps if you had read my post fully you would have seen that I called the random posting of "Dharma Mom is great" a bit childish.

Maeve, wife to Bobby and TTC since August 05. Mummy to furbabies Jay and Spota since October 03.
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#105 of 113 Old 03-22-2008, 01:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by jennifer_lc1 View Post

Exactly. You're all acting as if she not only pooped in your cereal but she forced you to eat it.
If you're not going to bother to read the thread, maybe you shouldn't continue to comment on it.

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It's just something your child should've picked up by now.
Well, my daughter came to us from an orphanage at age 11, so we have slightly different circumstances than most families do.

dm
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#106 of 113 Old 03-22-2008, 10:11 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I didn't read this whole post with things you tried/didn't

*snip*

just be a little more sensitive maybe.
I know I came across as snarky in my last post, but I did want to point out that this is a little silly, because if you didn't read the whole thread, then of course you missed all the places where I talked about being sensitive and working with Desta to alleviate the problem. For months on end. Like, nine months.

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I'm sure she isn't feeling the love.
You inadvertently hit the nail right on the head, but not for the reasons you think. Desta has RAD (reactive attachment disorder) from the multiple traumas she experienced in the eleven years before she joined our family, so she doesn't feel the love even when we give it. That's why we are in intensive attachment therapy.

dm
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#107 of 113 Old 03-23-2008, 02:10 AM
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I know I came across as snarky in my last post, but I did want to point out that this is a little silly, because if you didn't read the whole thread, then of course you missed all the places where I talked about being sensitive and working with Desta to alleviate the problem. For months on end. Like, nine months.



You inadvertently hit the nail right on the head, but not for the reasons you think. Desta has RAD (reactive attachment disorder) from the multiple traumas she experienced in the eleven years before she joined our family, so she doesn't feel the love even when we give it. That's why we are in intensive attachment therapy.

dm
I continue to be amazed by your grace, DM.
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#108 of 113 Old 03-23-2008, 02:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
I know I came across as snarky in my last post, but I did want to point out that this is a little silly, because if you didn't read the whole thread, then of course you missed all the places where I talked about being sensitive and working with Desta to alleviate the problem. For months on end. Like, nine months.
dm
I don't think you sounded snarky at all, just pointing out the obvious
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#109 of 113 Old 05-22-2008, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just folding the clean laundry and there was a bunch of Desta's underwear in it and it reminded me of this thread, so I thought I'd update.

Overall, things are going much better around here. The attachment therapy has really helped both Desta and me. Our relationship is better, her behavior is better, my reactions are better.

The last few times Desta has had her period, she has washed out her underwear in her bathroom and then taken it down to the basement and put it in a bucket by the washer. When I do a hot load, I just tip the bucket into the washer.

My personal opinion is that, now that Desta is learning to trust me, she doesn't have to try to undermine me anymore.

At one point a few weeks ago (I don't remember how we got on the subject), Desta apologized to me for putting her dirty underwear in the hamper. She said, "I used to do a lot of things that I shouldn't have done, and I don't know why I did them."

I told her, "You did them because you had a lot of feelings you didn't understand and you didn't feel like you had a way to express them. Now you do. The therapy has really helped us both."

She laughed and said, "I still hate going."

I said, "I hate getting my teeth cleaned, but it's better than getting cavities, right? It's called preventive care."

it was good conversation.

dm
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#110 of 113 Old 05-22-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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Wow. That is a HUGE amount of progress. I am so happy for you and Desta. Sounds like the therapy is just what you needed.

-Angela
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#111 of 113 Old 05-22-2008, 02:54 PM
 
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Originally Posted by dharmamama View Post
Also, because she seems to need a concrete consequence (not because I get off on "punishing" her or something), I think that I will also let her know that bloody underwear will be returned to her for a pre-soak. I'll probably buy some Spray&Wash or something similar for her, too. She has a sink and tub in her bathroom, so she can take care of them in there.

Disclaimer: I am not a mom of a preteen or teen but I lurk here anyway...
I do have a suggestion though- instead of spray and wash, you might want to try "Totally Toddler" (pink and white bottle). You can get it at Walmart, Target, Babies/toys R Us etc.
IMO- It works way better on that kind of stuff than Spray and Wash.
Good luck though :-)

OOOR Maybe some Luna Spray...

Monther of Riley (11), Andrew (4) and Victoria (7 months)
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#112 of 113 Old 05-22-2008, 04:30 PM
 
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WOW! I am so glad that things are getting better!
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#113 of 113 Old 05-22-2008, 09:36 PM
 
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Obviously some posts have been deleted here.
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