Legal Responsiblity? - DD's Friends have sex in my house - Page 5 - Mothering Forums
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#121 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 07:26 PM
 
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I don't get what your post has to do with what I said.

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#122 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 07:36 PM
 
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Just because a child feels that they cant come to their parent, does not mean that they should not. Sure the parents may be dissapointed by their childs choice but they will more than likely adapt and work with the situation. A broken rule does not equal banishment even if some kids assume that it will. But parents need to be given the option to parent thier own children.
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#123 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 07:40 PM
 
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Parents foster the kind of relationship they have with their children and if their children are open with them, regardless if they don't believe in premarital sex. I have friends who had premarital sex, and were open about it with their parents even though they disapproved.

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#124 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 07:42 PM
 
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case in point my teenagers know that I dont approve of them haveing sex at such a young age, but have never made an attempt to hide it from me.

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#125 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Parents foster the kind of relationship they have with their children and if their children are open with them, regardless if they don't believe in premarital sex. I have friends who had premarital sex, and were open about it with their parents even though they disapproved.

I agree with this.

I also had friends who engaged in premarital sex and discussed it with their disapproving parents.

I have an open relationship with my daughter. Before my daughter started having sex she came and we talked. Granted I am not opposed to consensual teen sex, but I still had to work as a parent to foster a relationship where my daughter felt comfortable coming to me.

I have told both sets of kids they should consider talking to their parents, but I am not pressing the issue. It is their sex life and their choice whether or not to discuss it with their parents.
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#126 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 07:48 PM
 
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I would encourage the kids to talk to their parents, but if they don't, that is their decision, and I am sure they have their reasons.

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#127 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 08:18 PM
 
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I would encourage the kids to talk to their parents, but if they don't, that is their decision, and I am sure they have their reasons.
See, here's the thing, though... Most kids with strict parents who "preach" abstinence don't even CONSIDER talking to their parents about having sex. They just automatically assume it will get them beaten, grounded, kicked out, etc. They don't actually think about it rationally.

The truth is, if I had decided to be sexually active as a teenager, I would NOT have told my parents; They're very devout Catholics and were 100% disapproving of having sex before marriage. I thought that they'd kill me or do something horrible, but... they wouldn't have.

It's largely an irrational fear on the part of most secretive teens.

I found out years after I moved out that my parents would have been disappointed, and would have told me so, but my mom would have taught me NFP (sooner than she did), and did everything in her power to ensure that I knew everything I needed to know to be able to have a respectful and fulfilling relationship. And while my mom did teach me about some stuff regarding sex/having sex, etc, I learned a lot more from her later, when I got engaged.
I didn't have to be afraid as a teenager, but I THOUGHT I did. I would wager to say the same is true of most "preachy" parents.

If I was inclined to go have sex any way I could as a teen, I hope someone would have been smart enough to tell my mom for me. I wouldn't have been smart enough.

So I guess I would say, I think you should reconsider talking with the parents about what's going on, but I'd talk to the teenagers first.
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#128 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 08:22 PM
 
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Even if that were the case, which has not been my experience (my friends with good relationships with their parents told them they were having sex even if they didn't approve), I will not tell the parents. I believe teenagers are entitled to their privacy.

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#129 of 147 Old 03-11-2008, 08:27 PM
 
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See, here's the thing, though... Most kids with strict parents who "preach" abstinence don't even CONSIDER talking to their parents about having sex. They just automatically assume it will get them beaten, grounded, kicked out, etc. They don't actually think about it rationally.

The truth is, if I had decided to be sexually active as a teenager, I would NOT have told my parents; They're very devout Catholics and were 100% disapproving of having sex before marriage. I thought that they'd kill me or do something horrible, but... they wouldn't have.

It's largely an irrational fear on the part of most secretive teens.

I found out years after I moved out that my parents would have been disappointed, and would have told me so, but my mom would have taught me NFP (sooner than she did), and did everything in her power to ensure that I knew everything I needed to know to be able to have a respectful and fulfilling relationship. And while my mom did teach me about some stuff regarding sex/having sex, etc, I learned a lot more from her later, when I got engaged.
I didn't have to be afraid as a teenager, but I THOUGHT I did. I would wager to say the same is true of most "preachy" parents.

If I was inclined to go have sex any way I could as a teen, I hope someone would have been smart enough to tell my mom for me. I wouldn't have been smart enough.

So I guess I would say, I think you should reconsider talking with the parents about what's going on, but I'd talk to the teenagers first.

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#130 of 147 Old 03-13-2008, 11:05 PM
 
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I hear ya! My daughter has told me the names of THREE girls who said they were holding on to their virginity by having anal sex!!! I was like, "WHAT?! HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS?!" She told me the girls were talking during lunch in the cafeteria about how they managed to, "Have the fun, but hold on to whats important." I think if someone were talking about that during lunch it would probably ruin my appetite.

Oral sex is much more rampant. I won't get into those stories, but some of them are absolutely crazy.
i haven't read the whole thread, and i don't have a teen myself. but i will say that the fact that teens are (apparently) rampantly having anal sex in an attempt to preserve "what's important" tells me we HAVE to stop emphasizing virginity and start empowering teens to make real decisions.

choosing virginity because the culture has been shouting that word at you from the time you could talk--well, that's no choice at all. especially when it comes at a cost like this. having anal sex to preserve your virginity is missing the forest for the trees, to say the least

not that i think there's anything wrong with anal sex. i actually don't. but we have to stop fetishizing this ridiculous virginity/purity concept.

and i can't believe people really believe the OP should rat out these kids for having sex. i had a boyfriend as a teen, and his mom wanted to rat me out to my dad for having sex...the only way she said she'd keep the secret was if i went on the pill. so i had to go on the pill, which i didn't want to be on (we were being safe with condoms, TYVM), just to shut her up.

everyone, even a teen, should get to decide for themselves whether to take BC or not--just like they should get to decide whether to have sex in the first place. teens are people. i hated being treated like that, like i was being "irresponsible" just for being a sexual person when i was 17 years old.

i'm rambling, but anyway, i agree the OP can set house rules and all that, but there is no reason to rat out these kids. i can't imagine telling on someone for having sex, like sex is something horrible

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#131 of 147 Old 03-13-2008, 11:15 PM
 
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i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.

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#132 of 147 Old 03-13-2008, 11:17 PM
 
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I agree- would you want someone interferring with the raising and disciplining of your children? Whether or not it is OK to have sex should be up to the parents- not you.
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#133 of 147 Old 03-13-2008, 11:22 PM
 
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i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.
My guess is that is is about control and denying that kids grow up - after all, MY little baby would never grow up and have sex, that would make me feel less of a MOTHER!! If I can stop her from doing that, I am still the all powerful MAMA!! Funny how we never see posts about OMG my son is having sex, how awful, he is "acting out" etc. I really hate this crap.
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#134 of 147 Old 03-14-2008, 01:33 AM
 
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i'm also confused as to why every third post seems to be about these kids being at major risk of disease, and their parents needing to know it. they're using condoms, they're having sex.

i'm using condoms, i'm having sex. would someone like to call my mom and tell her i'm at risk of contracting an STI? because i actually am (everyone who is having sex is at some potential risk of STI, because partner could always be cheating).

but somehow, because i'm a 28 year old mama, no one is concerned about my perilous risk of disease. but these kids, it seems no one trusts them. why?

i managed to have sex from age 15 until now, with over 10 partners, and never get an STI once, or ever have an unplanned pregnancy. it's not impossible.
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#135 of 147 Old 03-14-2008, 11:25 AM
 
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My guess is that is is about control and denying that kids grow up - after all, MY little baby would never grow up and have sex, that would make me feel less of a MOTHER!! If I can stop her from doing that, I am still the all powerful MAMA!! Funny how we never see posts about OMG my son is having sex, how awful, he is "acting out" etc. I really hate this crap.
For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand. This is what makes me see them as children still. And as children they still need guidance from their parents to help keep them safe.

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#136 of 147 Old 03-14-2008, 11:28 PM
 
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Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.
okay, i just find this so insulting. i refuse to believe that some MRIs or whatever can prove that no teen anywhere can make up their own mind about what to do with their genitals.

i chose to start having sex at 15. he was 16. we were in a relationship for 2 years before that. i have never, ever regretted that decision. ever. i don't think i was too young. i wasn't coerced. i wasn't pressured. i learned a lot about myself and really feel that that relationship contributed to my overall maturity a lot. we stayed together for 2 more years. and we used condoms every time. because i truly understood i did not want to get pregnant or get a disease (which i wouldn't have because we were mongamous, but i digress....), and i truly understood how to prevent that.

i'm not saying every 15 year old is ready for sex, but i was. we were. and i highly highly resent the implication that because of my brain development, that can't have been true :

there are lots of teenagers who can think and make good decisions...if you let them.

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#137 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 02:43 AM
 
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For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand. This is what makes me see them as children still. And as children they still need guidance from their parents to help keep them safe.
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I agree.
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#138 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 03:47 AM
 
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For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.
Sure, SOME people don't have those reasoning skills when they're teenagers. Quite a few "adults" I know, all ages, don't really have them either! They get stuck in horrible relationships, they max out their credit card and can't pay it off, they still have sex that they don't really feel like, just to be accepted, keep the peace, be close to someone.

Out of the 15 and 16 year olds I know personally that are having sex, almost all of them are doing it safely and most of them also for the "right" reasons. Obviously I'm just lucky but I do think it has quite a lot to do with the more "permissive" parenting they're received - nearly all of them talk fairly openly to their parents about any worries or questions they have.

To be honest, I would say they are far less messed-up about sex than my group of friends is now!


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and i highly highly resent the implication that because of my brain development, that can't have been true :
Thankyou! My story was the same as yours except that I was 16.5 at the time. I researched everything regarding contraceptives and STDs and pregnancy and was able to advise my friends when the time came for them.

I'm happy that the OP's daughter obviously has a mum who can be a source of guidance for her, too.

: Helen : Currently a veggie, dready, student, NFL nanny!:
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#139 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 03:26 PM
 
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For me, it's because of what I know about brain developement. Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future.
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okay, i just find this so insulting. i refuse to believe that some MRIs or whatever can prove that no teen anywhere can make up their own mind about what to do with their genitals.
I'm on the fence between both of these points of view. I can see both of your points.

I think having teenagers still in our home is a blessing. This is a time for them to make choices and decisions that may effect the rest of their lives, while still in a semi protective shell of our homes. It's like living adult-lite. It's a time in our life where teens can make mistakes, and still have us there to figure out where they went wrong, or didn't make the best choices. But sex as a teen, isn't always a mistake.

We should be teaching them skills while they grow, having conversations about drugs and sex before they know what were talking about. Asking them what they think, asking them what choices they think are right for them, then talking some more about the consequences of those choices. Last night my dd (7yo) asked me a question that led to us having a conversation about sex. The first one where more details were revealed, we didn't talk about body parts, but being naked came up.

I firmly believe that once our teens are making the choice to have sex, that's their choice, and their business. If they want to talk to us (the parents) about it, then they should come to us. Or the parents should still be bringing it up in conversation, and valuing their teens choice about what to do with their own body.

The fact that somewhere in this thread grounding the teens got brought up (forgive me for not knowing where, I've actually read the whole thread, and I'm not going back to search for it) totally screwed with my head. I thought about that for days. Why would you ground a teen for making a choice. Is it because we as the adults think we know what is right and wrong? That we don't believe that our teens can make these choices for their bodies? If that is true then we should talk to them more. Give them more confidence that they CAN talk to us without us freaking out on them. Give them a safe place to talk. Without judgement. Without telling them they did something wrong. Without punishment.

If our teens don't feel comfortable talking to us about having sex then we have to look at our parenting. We can't blame somebody else who finds out, and doesn't tell us. This is a conversation between teens and parents.

-Janna, independent mother of dd, Ms. Mattie Sky born on my 25th birthday, 06*23*2000. My Mama Feb.21,1938-Sept.10,2006
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#140 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 04:57 PM
 
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Teens don't have the reasoning skills to truly understand how what they do affects their future. They can give you the expected answers, but most of them really don't understand.
Seriously? The high school kids I know are working night and day to get into good colleges. You don't think they understand that what they do affects their futures?

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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#141 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 05:22 PM
 
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As long as the parents aren't abusive, they have a right to know. It's not your right to decide that losing priviledges is too harsh a consequence.
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#142 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 05:27 PM
 
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As long as the parents aren't abusive, they have a right to know. It's not your right to decide that losing priviledges is too harsh a consequence.
I've been lurking a bit... right to know what? If kids were having sex in my house I would tell them to stop, and if they did not I would probably tell the other parents.

But I don't think parents have a right to know kids are having sex period... do you? My thing would be I don't want to be providing a place for kids to have sex without the other parents' consent. But if they find their own place, I think it is none of the parents' business unless the kids choose to make it their business.
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#143 of 147 Old 03-15-2008, 05:42 PM
 
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I would stop it from happening in my house. I would call the parents, and tell them my dd is not allowed to have friends (or male friends, whatever rule you choose) over when I am not home. I may say that their child was there with the Johnson boy and you don't like kids of the opposite sex there while unsupervised. I would NOT say they were having sex. Who knows if the kids will get beat, severely punished, etc. But saying there was a boy their would plant the seed that sex was possible. It may lead the parent to talk to their kid about sex or simply keep them away from your house while unsupervised. I feel you would have done your responsibility. The other parents wouldn't be in the dark, but the teens privacy would be kept.

I would tell my dd that Mr. Jones and Mrs. Smith (neighbors) are keeping an eye on the house and will let me know if they see anyone going in or out. My dad did that, and it kept me from getting into trouble. I have no idea if he did have the neighbors watching or not. It may be a good idea to actually have someone keeping an eye out for who enters your home. And naturally, now is the time to have some open communication about sex. (with whatever your beliefs of teen sex are) Your dd may also be having sex, or may soon be interested.
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#144 of 147 Old 03-16-2008, 03:30 AM
 
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Seriously? The high school kids I know are working night and day to get into good colleges. You don't think they understand that what they do affects their futures?
not their far distant future, not a true understanding, NO

Heather married to my highschool sweetheart 6/7/02 :cop: Mother to Dani age 14 and Timmy age 10 Nadia 1/29 :
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#145 of 147 Old 03-16-2008, 12:13 PM
 
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not their far distant future, not a true understanding, NO
And being 18+ suddenly changes that? I don't know many adults who can accurately foresee the effects a choice made today will have on their far distant future. Being an adult does not make you all knowing.

Perhaps if we stop treating teenagers like idiots who can't see past their nose, they'll take more responsibility for their actions when they do become adults.
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#146 of 147 Old 03-16-2008, 01:10 PM
 
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I have to wonder what a "strict" parent is to the typical MDCer. I have a feeling my view point on it will be different. Strict or not, I'd want to know so I could make sure my kid was using protection and had someone to go to if needed.

I'd be furious if I found out you only went half way, stopped what was going on, but failed to tell me.

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#147 of 147 Old 03-16-2008, 07:23 PM
 
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As long as the parents aren't abusive, they have a right to know. It's not your right to decide that losing priviledges is too harsh a consequence.
You have no way of knowing how other people talk to their kids. My father once called me a trashy whore for coming in late (I hadn't had sex at that point in my life). You have no idea what you could be setting those kids up for. I doubt that any one who knew my family when I was growing up had any idea what complete hell I was living in.

Yeah, I got that black eye playing baseball.

If parents haven't built an open, honest, accepting relationship with their teens, they don't have a right to know anything.


Remember, the parents are the ones who drove the relationship in the first place. What the teens believe about their parents is based on what the parents have said and done their entire lives.

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not their far distant future, not a true understanding, NO
The point of getting into a good college is to have the best options after college, so a 16 year old trying to get into college is planning 6+ years ahead. The seem to understand that it will effect the rest of their lives.

Many adults seem to lack the understanding of how their sexual decisions will affect their futures. I'm in my 40's and can't believe the number of couples we know who've either divorced because of an affair, or tried to rebuild their marriages after an affair. Often humans make decision about sex without thinking it the whole way through because sometimes when our sex drive kicks in it is hard to think straight.

Open, honest communication would seem to be the key to helping our kids make the best choices possible, but their doesn't seem to me to be an age when the sex drive calms down so much that all of us are fully capable of thinking straight when it kicks in.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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