Legal Responsiblity? - DD's Friends have sex in my house - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 147 Old 02-27-2008, 07:25 PM - Thread Starter
 
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A couple of days ago I found out that my daughter has been letting a couple of her friends use her bedroom to have sex. Both come from a fairly strict families. The girl is a preachers kid. (Ages 15f/16m)

Now that I know about this, am I at any legal risk?
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#2 of 147 Old 02-27-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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I can't imagine you'd be at any legal risk for what happened before you knew, as long as you stop it now.

Although, I honestly don't know if a 15yo and a 16yo having sex is breaking the law in any way. Most "age of consent" laws have exceptions for kids close in age, and in some places the age of consent is as low as 14 or 15 to begin with.

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#3 of 147 Old 02-27-2008, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I can't imagine you'd be at any legal risk for what happened before you knew, as long as you stop it now.

Although, I honestly don't know if a 15yo and a 16yo having sex is breaking the law in any way. Most "age of consent" laws have exceptions for kids close in age, and in some places the age of consent is as low as 14 or 15 to begin with.
I don't know if it is breaking the law in any way or not. I was just thinking it might fall under some obscure "parental interference" or "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" law.

I have already told my daughter to put a stop to it, but really I can't possibly enforce it this time of year. They get off of school at 3:00pm and I work until 8:30pm on many days. It has me a little worried.
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#4 of 147 Old 02-27-2008, 10:31 PM
 
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Yes, you could be at legal risk. Especially if you know they are doing it and allow it to continue. I would stay 500 ft. away from this one. Everything is fine until someone's parents get mad, then they look for a scapegoat. What is the age of consent where you live anyway?
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#5 of 147 Old 02-27-2008, 10:48 PM
 
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I would put a stop to it immediately. I would think you could be sued if the parents find out you are aware of this, and allow it to continue.

Basically, you can be sued for almost anything these days.
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#6 of 147 Old 02-28-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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I would not allow your daughter to have the two of them in the house, period. If you find out she does after you have told her not to, she must face punishment. My daughters are not allowed to have anyone in the house when we are not home, unless I approve of it first, and let their parents know that they are here and we are not. No boys are allowed here without us, period...whether they are my daughter's friends or boyfriends, etc...

I think perhaps you need to have a rule of no one in the house when you are not home, and there should be consequences if she breaks the rules.
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#7 of 147 Old 02-28-2008, 08:14 AM
 
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I don't know if it is breaking the law in any way or not. I was just thinking it might fall under some obscure "parental interference" or "contributing to the delinquency of a minor" law.

I have already told my daughter to put a stop to it, but really I can't possibly enforce it this time of year. They get off of school at 3:00pm and I work until 8:30pm on many days. It has me a little worried.
You can't enforce it at this time of the year?? It's YOUR house and YOUR child and you can't enforce it? That's not a good way to look at it. I was a teen that was left home alone while my mom worked two jobs and was never home. Because of that I was always in trouble and was having sex by the time I was 15. I think you need to find some place for your daughter to go after school. Where is her dad? Do you have a family member, neighbor or friend that can oversee her activities until you get home? At this point since you know about what is going on you are responsible from here on out if you allow these children to keep meeting up at your home.

I would have already called the other kids parents, at least the girls parents. I'm betting they don't even realize their child is at a house where there is no adult supervision, especially considering the other girls dad is a preacher. I would feel guilty if I "now" know about it and did nothing to stop it. You don't "have" to allow kids in your home when you aren't there. It's obvious anyway (to me) that this other child is using your daughter to get a place to hook up with boys. Who cares if they 'want' to have sex but it doesn't have to be allowed in your home.

I don't think I'd be so worried about the other children as much as my own child at this point. I'm quite sure she is exploring with sex as well. I highly doubt she's standing on the sidelines just taking it all in while her friends do it. I've been there, done that myself and it just doesn't happen that way.

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#8 of 147 Old 02-28-2008, 08:17 AM
 
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I would put a stop to it immediately. I would think you could be sued if the parents find out you are aware of this, and allow it to continue.

Basically, you can be sued for almost anything these days.
I wouldn't worry about them wanting to sue me as much as just having someone look down on me as a parent. I'd be more worried about the ethical or moral reasons that I shouldn't allow this if I knew about it. I look back at the parents of my friends that allowed us to do what we wanted in their home and they never told my mom about us doing it and I think they were terrible parents now that I'm an adult.

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#9 of 147 Old 02-28-2008, 09:40 AM
 
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Yes, can can be legally responsible and sued.

I agree with the others that have posted: you need to stop this and find some supervision for your daughter. Is there someone who can come to your house and watch her? Is there a sports or after school program she can go to? Obviously she hasn't shown the best judgment and should not be allowed to have anyone in the house when you are not there.
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#10 of 147 Old 02-28-2008, 10:09 AM
 
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I was a teen that was left home alone while my mom worked two jobs and was never home. Because of that I was always in trouble and was having sex by the time I was 15.
Well, it can't only be because of that because my mother also worked long hours and we were latchkey kids from childhood and I didn't have sex until marriage, and besides that, was almost never in trouble.

To the OP: I don't know if you can get in trouble, but I would try to stop it happening. If you cannot trust your daughter to follow your instructions (which is a whole other problem), and you cannot require her to go somewhere else after school, then call their parents.

You don't have to be a tattletale. Just say that your daughter isn't supposed to have other guests when you aren't home, but that she's been inviting them in the past, and you just wanted to make sure that their parents knew the policy. If their parents are as strict as you say, they will at least try to rein them in for awhile.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#11 of 147 Old 02-28-2008, 01:31 PM
 
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Well, it can't only be because of that because my mother also worked long hours and we were latchkey kids from childhood and I didn't have sex until marriage, and besides that, was almost never in trouble.

To the OP: I don't know if you can get in trouble, but I would try to stop it happening. If you cannot trust your daughter to follow your instructions (which is a whole other problem), and you cannot require her to go somewhere else after school, then call their parents.

You don't have to be a tattletale. Just say that your daughter isn't supposed to have other guests when you aren't home, but that she's been inviting them in the past, and you just wanted to make sure that their parents knew the policy. If their parents are as strict as you say, they will at least try to rein them in for awhile.
: It is your responsibility to make sure this doesn't happen anymore, no matter how difficult or complicated it is. Letting the other parents know that your dd isn't allowed to have any friends over is a good idea - you don't need to let them know about the sex but letting them know about your rule would be a good idea.
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#12 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 01:20 AM
 
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If she's letting her friends have sex in her room, has that made you wonder what she's doing in her room?
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#13 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 01:37 AM
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Why wouldn't you tell the parents that thier kids are sexually active? I have a friend who is very strict. If her son was out having sex, she'd remove all "his privledges" as in dances, going out with friends, etc. etc. She doesn't want her son to become a teen parent.

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#14 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 01:48 AM
 
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Why wouldn't you tell the parents that thier kids are sexually active? I have a friend who is very strict. If her son was out having sex, she'd remove all "his privledges" as in dances, going out with friends, etc. etc. She doesn't want her son to become a teen parent.
I think it would be very uncomfortable to have to tell other parents such a thing. I found out a former (we just drifted apart due to moving) friend's daughter has been skipping school, having sex, smoking pot and drinking every weekend (at 14-15) and I felt uncomfortable calling to tell them, so I asked a mutual friend who is still very good friends with her...she was going to tell them, and never did as she chickened out, and she is pretty outspoken. I mean, how would you make that phone call? "hello, this is Susie's mom...yes, did you know that your daughter has been having sex at my house when I'm not home?" I think that would be very hard to do. I think letting the parents know that you just found out that the kids have been coming over there while no one was home, and had been spending many unsupervised hours there in the presence of the opposite sex would be enough. The parents can take it from there.
Restricting kids privileges won't make them not have sex...it's a natural urge, and the more you restrict them, the more they will rebel and do things anyway...the best you can do is try and keep tabs on your kids as best you can, and educate them. Educate how NOT to have a baby, i.e. abstinence, then condoms w/spermicide if they just cannot abstain. My oldest daughter is taking that purity pledge, and plans on abstaining. I hope she can commit to her pledge. I know I wouldn't have, ha ha!!!!
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#15 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 01:56 AM
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It might be an uncomfortable phone call, but it just might prevent a teenage pregnancy. I'd much rather feel uncomfortable for a phone call then to hear a month or two later that the same girl is having to tell her parents that she is pregnant. Previous posters recommended simply saying the the child was at the home when the mom wasn't. That implies nothing. The parents would simply tell their kid not to go over there any more unless mom is home. Saying that the two kids were alone in a room together for a period of time is much better then saying nothing at all. It would speak volumes without making an accusation.

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#16 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 02:05 AM
 
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if they aren't doing it there, they will just find somewhere else to do it. I know this because I was that teenage girl. I think telling the other parents that the kids were alone in the house together is enough for them to get the idea, unless they are morons.
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#17 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 02:27 AM
 
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Do you know these parents? At all? Do you have any idea how they'll react if you were to call them and say, or imply that a their kid and another kid of the opposite gender have been alone in an unsupervised house together? This isn't to assume that the parents are abusive, but in strict households...well...who's to say? If you don't know these people, I would suggest calling each set of parents individually and telling them your DD isn't allowed to have guests when you're out.
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#18 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 05:40 AM
 
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I would be more worried about STI's than pregnancy!
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#19 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 11:27 AM
 
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IMO, there is no need to invade the privacy of the young people but I'd definitely stop it from happening in my house. There are all sorts of ways to monitor this while still being at work. Can you hire a responsible neighbor, senior, etc, to drop in at random? Maybe they come for a reason - to deliver a meal, package, etc, to allow your DD to save face, or something.
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#20 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 11:34 AM
 
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How well do you know these kids? What about sitting down with them and giving them the talk, make sure they are being safe, telling them you cannot allow them to meet in your home again but you know you can't stop them from meeting elsewhere.

My daughter's friend's mom is always telling me things my daughter is doing. These are things that I don't consider a big deal(F word in a song lyric on her myspace page) and it always comes across to me as a "my daughter is a good girl, yours is bad" way. Except I know that her daughter is just the same and it's not a big deal. So I don't tell the things her daughter does(like have a facebook account she's not allowed to have)

It's like I tell the kids it's tattling if you do it to get someone in trouble and telling if it's meant to get them out of trouble.

However, if she were having sex in my house I would have to tell her. This is big, life-altering behaviour and the parents need to know in order to guide them.

I wouldn't do this to get the kids in trouble, it would be to prevent them from getting in trouble. It would be to give them the opportunity to parent their children on this issue.

I would also present it to the parents that way. I would go armed with information on how they should proceed etc.

And I would absolutely not have anyone home alone with your daughter..It's obvious she is unable to handle that responsibility well.
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#21 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 01:05 PM
 
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I agree with allgirls and couldn't of said any better myself. Your daughter need's to no that is not a true friend ,she is only using her .and disrespectful towards her .I have 2 grown girls and never were boys even allowed in there room ,and if a boy came they can sit down stairs and wait .
And you weren't home to see this but you need to sit her down and talk to her tell her the facts .Does she realize how much trouble there could of been (i don't no what the laws are ).But she need's to no this is not right by no means !
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#22 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 02:01 PM
 
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How well do you know these kids? What about sitting down with them and giving them the talk, make sure they are being safe, telling them you cannot allow them to meet in your home again but you know you can't stop them from meeting elsewhere.

\

LMAO! I would threaten them. "If I find out you were in my house without me being here, I will immediately tell your parents that you have been using MY home to have sex, and I will let your parents put a stop to it"

You can't tell them NOT to have sex, but you can tell them that you won't allow it in your house.

You honestly can't stop your dd from having people over when you aren't there. If she wants something bad enough, she will find a way to get it. Even if you are home 24/7.
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#23 of 147 Old 02-29-2008, 07:50 PM
 
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I'd have to agree that it's hard to control what they do when you're not there, but that you still need to exert control somehow, whether it's a neighbour randomly dropping in, or you making a surprise trip home early, or finding another place for your daughter to go, or simply punishing your daughter if she breaks the rules. My daughter is home by herself for an hour or two most days before I get home from work, and if I found out this was happening those kids would be barred from my house, period. I would tell them myself, not leave it up to my daughter. And I would also tell them that if I found them there again I WOULD call their parents and tell them WHY their kids are barred from my house, and let them do whatever they will do.
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#24 of 147 Old 03-01-2008, 04:03 PM
 
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You honestly can't stop your dd from having people over when you aren't there. If she wants something bad enough, she will find a way to get it. Even if you are home 24/7.
My mom managed to put a stop to it by making me come to work with her.

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#25 of 147 Old 03-01-2008, 04:16 PM
 
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My mom managed to put a stop to it by making me come to work with her.

Seriously. I wish my mom would've put some effort into knowing what I was doing as a teenage. I love my mom but she had that "she'll do it anyway" attitude and it did NOTHING to help me.
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#26 of 147 Old 03-01-2008, 10:42 PM
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I like the idea of calling the parents and letting them know about the unsupervised time at your place and or setting the teens down to tell them some quick safe sex tips and to get their freak on somewhere else. It's no judgment call. It is a matter of respecting another person's house and rule.
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#27 of 147 Old 03-01-2008, 11:56 PM
 
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Whew! I'm glad I'm not the OP. Some of these responses are all-out rude.

OP - Do you allow your daughter to have friends over when you're not home? Did she come to you or did you find out some other way? You don't have to answer those if you don't want to here. I think they're important to consider regarding how rules are affected by this.

I'd probably call the parents and let them know that while they've been over to your house when you're not there, the rules have changed and your daughter isn't allowed to have them over. What you tell them beyond that is your call, I think. I can't say what I'd do for sure about telling them about the sexual activity.

Your daughter might have felt pressured to let these kids come over. She might be glad it's found out. You have a great teachable moment here with your daughter. This is an opening to talk about choices and responsibility and accountability. It's a good time to talk about friendships, too.
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#28 of 147 Old 03-02-2008, 12:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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LMAO! I would threaten them. "If I find out you were in my house without me being here, I will immediately tell your parents that you have been using MY home to have sex, and I will let your parents put a stop to it"

Well they WERE allowed at the house while I was at work, but I have decided that my daughter is only allowed to have one friend over at a time. I took this suggestion. If I catch more than one over while I am at work then their parents will be told.

I honestly don't want to get them in trouble. It would make life difficult on them because their parents are VERY strict. At the same time though I don't want to risk being liable for a lawsuit or criminal charges.

They are basically very good kids, but they need to find somewhere else to do their business.
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#29 of 147 Old 03-02-2008, 12:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OP - Do you allow your daughter to have friends over when you're not home? Did she come to you or did you find out some other way? You don't have to answer those if you don't want to here. I think they're important to consider regarding how rules are affected by this.
I do allow my daughter to have friends over while I am at work. Because of this event I have now changed the rule to where she can only have one friend over at a time.

I found out by coming home because I forgot money for supper. When I walked in the door my daughter was acting strange and shortly after that the boy and girl walked out of my daughter's room with disheveled clothes and hair. What had just been going on was quite obvious.

Now that the rules have changed I am going to start coming home for supper at a random time between 4pm and 7:00pm to enforce this. If more than one is over then I will be calling their parents. I have already told them this. They apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. They are good kids. I believe them.
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#30 of 147 Old 03-02-2008, 01:00 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Why wouldn't you tell the parents that thier kids are sexually active? I have a friend who is very strict. If her son was out having sex, she'd remove all "his privledges" as in dances, going out with friends, etc. etc. She doesn't want her son to become a teen parent.
This is actually the EXACT reason I don't tell their parents. I know the girl's dad and I am fairly sure he would put her on lock down and probably try to break up their relationship. I'm not going to be responsible for getting them under house arrest.
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