Daughter's friend (long) - Page 3 - Mothering Forums
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#61 of 63 Old 04-07-2008, 07:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Phantaja View Post
What the hell is going on in seventh grade??? Not that there's a problem with your daughter knowing anything about ending a pregnancy or even having a stance on it, but why is it even an issue in 7th grade? Why would her stance even be known to the other kids?

Birth control? Pot? I remember seventh grade. It was 13 years ago, but I remember. It wasn't like this.

My daughter knows about those things because she is a curious child. I made a promise to her that if she asked a question, I would do my best to answer it as accurately and truthfully as possible and only stick to only answering that particular question. That promise was made when she was quite young, four or so. If she wanted more info or had follow up questions, all she had to do was ask and I would keep answering. She was warned that some of the answers were either sad or gross or whatever. If she still wanted the answer, then she got it. The older she got, the more complex the questions. Not a big deal.

I can't remember for sure, but I think she first heard about pp because she asked about one that we drive by on almost a daily basis. At her age (14 years and eighth grade btw), I can't see how it would be an issue knowing about the more complicated consequences to sex.

Her stance is known because she and her friends challenge each other on their beliefs. They debate things back and forth. It is not part of any regular school lesson if that is what you're thinking. Kids talk, that's all.

I'm farther out from 7th grade than you and went to a christian one at that but still knew kids doing drugs, drinking and having sex. I wonder how you missed it- not being snarky, just amazed.

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I am a little curious how you would go about limiting this frienship. I do not let them go out together, like to the mall, or things like that (actually, I don't let her go to the mall with anyone, not just this girl...I see no point in it) I suppose i could forbid phone contact, and not let this girl come over to our house, but they would see each other at school anyway every day. I'm not sure how I could do that, in a practical way.
IMO and admittedly I have not had to worry about this (yet), I would not try to ban phone contact or try to keep the girl from your house. IMO, those things lead to some pretty fruitless power battles. Plus, you said the girl is kind of sweet despite being dealt a crappy hand of cards. Living the way she does is not good for a soul. It must be so nice for her to peek at what a "normal" family is like. If you are going to try to limit their time together, do what a pp suggested- fill your dd's time with other things she enjoys. If she likes a sport, see if there is a team she can get on. Places of worship usually have fun youth groups. If your dd is the nurturing kind, see about volunteering at an animal shelter or local hospital. I'm sure other people can throw out more ideas.

Don't try to break a bond- try to get your dd building more bonds in areas that she likes. I think we all have a friend or two (or more!) that is like your dd's friend. The trick is to be humane but still not limit friendships to only people in such need.
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#62 of 63 Old 04-07-2008, 08:33 PM
 
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But this is something you are doing with your child as their parent. You might feel differently when your DD is 15 and wants to hang with the girl in school with the worst reputation. Think about it. When girls this age are together and one of them lives a life full of negativity or drugs, alcohol, sex, whatever, then it will be a major topic of discussion and what they are doing while alone together. How is that a good influence for anyone? Why is a 12 yr old girl supposed to be pushed in to taking on the enormity of a relationship such as this? Her parents should be pushing her to be a good kid and make good choices in life and having a friend like this is not such a good choice right now.
I remember what it was like being 12 and what sort of friends I had . . . lots of them were very different from me and into things that I would never have tried in a million years -- drugs, being emo and depressed (before it was cool, ), sex, etc. I knew about all those things because my parents talked with me about them, but just because my friends were doing them didn't mean I was or even wanted to. If anything, it made me feel good about myself in comparison (which was kind of lousy of me, in hindsight, but that's what it was at the time). And even so, most of the time we just talked about goofy people we disliked at school, or music or movies or random things that were funny to our 12 year old selves.

I highly doubt my opinion will change when my daughter is 12 or even 15. I'm already more liberal with my five year old than a lot of parents here are with their preteens!

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#63 of 63 Old 04-08-2008, 01:52 AM
 
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Originally Posted by iamthesmilingone View Post

I'm farther out from 7th grade than you and went to a christian one at that but still knew kids doing drugs, drinking and having sex. I wonder how you missed it- not being snarky, just amazed.
I went to a school for the gifted and maybe we were all just a bunch of lames. I was the "bad girl" for having sex with the neighbor boy ONE TIME when I was that age. That reputation took a long, long time to go away.

Smoking weed, drinking, etc, became hot at around 15 or 16. One was a "dumb ass" or a stoner if s/he chose to get high/drunk before that. It wasn't a cool thing to do or shared with friends when I was 12. We were too cool to play with dolls and did have boyfriends, were into heavy petting and all of that, but sex, full out, baby making sex, just wasn't a done thing. Not till we got older. I didn't set foot into a Planned Parenthood till over this past summer when I popped in to get an AIDS test.

Perhaps I was an irresponsible twelve year old. My friends and I just had better things to do than to get laid after school.

Body, I've been more than patient. Please make a baby. Please?
always loving my babies. (May 08)(April 09)(August 09)(September 09) (December 10)
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