should I let her go? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 07:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DD just turned 16. Her boyfriend is 18.5. We don't especially like him, but are pleasant (me more than dh) to him nevertheless. I am counting the weeks till he leaves for college, because with his history of LOVE for girls, even though her professes love for my daughter, I guarantee it won't take him long to find someone else...which is what I want to happen ultimately, so that my DD can experience dating different people along the way. Anyway....
he sprung this on me today...Saturday, another couple wants my daughter and him to go to the beach with them. Granted, people go to the beach all the time, however I only just recently started allowing him to drive with her on the highway to take her to the mall which is 25 miles away. For me to let them go off on some adventure 125 miles away is way out of my comfort zone. I think she realizes my reasoning and I don't think she will be mad at me at all for saying no, but when I told him it probably wasn't going to happen, he argued all kinds of points with me (it's a day trip, the guy is a safe driver, we'll be home early, etc...) and then said to her that he was going anyway even if she can't. Ugh....what a jerk. I'm sure he said that so I'd feel sorry for her, but honestly...that's on him if he wants to be a jerk like that. She already has plans to go work and ride at a horse farm that day anyway, and I'm really trying to encourage her to stay busy doing other things that do not involve him. I know they haven't had sex yet, and while I have no problem with her having premarital sex eventually, I'd just really rather it not be with him. If you knew the guy, you'd understand. Obnoxious, arrogant, cocky, and an under achiever as far as what he wants out of life. My DD is in the top 1% of her class, national honor roll, and has a bright future ahead of her...complete with GOALS. I just want her to stay on track with her life and get her to August when he leaves for college, 5 hours away.
Anyway, my strong gut reaction is to say NO. I'm not comfortable with her traveling that far without an adult. Can anyone think of a good reason that I should let her go? I think I do give her a certain amount of freedom...they go all around the area and do things together...I just don't see the need to let them take a long day trip like that. She IS just 16...these boys are both 18.
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#2 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 08:54 PM
 
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I wouldn't let my 16 yr daughter go 125 miles away with ANY group of friends at all. I just don't trust teenager's driving well enough to put my child in a car to spend a long, hot, tiring day of fun, and possibly alchohol to THEN drive 125 miles back home.

It just isn't worth the stress it would cause ME.

disclaimer: As a teenager, with a boyfriend two years older than I was, I got to do what I wanted, I was rarley told "no" and I am fine, nothing bad ever happened to me while in a group.

But, that doesn't mean I want my own daughter to do the things I did.
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#3 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 09:00 PM - Thread Starter
 
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the funny thing is, she mentioned to me about going to the beach with his family a couple of weeks ago, and I wasn't even sure I wanted her to go with them, lol! I probably would have...but it really makes me mad that her boyfriend is so ignorant about stuff. My 14 year old daughter told me she "hates" him. She isn't one to really say she hates anyone...just she might not care for a certain person, or they sort of get on her nerves...but she actually hates this kid and wishes her sister would break up with him. I didn't say that we wish that too...but I was sure thinking it.
There are so many other wonderful guys that I know of at her school that she could have chosen...why this guy?
Anyway, back to topic...I was thinking more about this after I posted and she is not going. If he chooses to go without her, I will ask her if that's the type of boyfriend she wants...someone who would tag along as a third wheel, rather than hang out with his girlfriend who wasn't allowed to do something hew was. I have no idea why she puts up with him. I'd say it was his dashing good looks, but unfortunately...that's not the case either. It's been a puzzling one for sure.
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#4 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 09:03 PM
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That would be a 'no' in this house.
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#5 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 09:20 PM
 
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when I told him it probably wasn't going to happen, he argued all kinds of points with me
Not with that kind of disrespect for your opinions. Wouldn't happen here.
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#6 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 09:24 PM
 
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How can you know they aren't having sex?

Depending on the age of consent in your state it could be illegal to consent to such a trip if there is even the possibility of sex. Also depending on the age of consent, if they do have sex, he could be charged with statutory rape.

I would never allow my children (or anyone) to drive 125 with a teenage driver... I'm sorry. I've been in car accidents (1 with a teen driver) and have learned paranoia the hard way.
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#7 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 09:51 PM
 
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Nope, never that far with another teen let alone a group of them. Too many chances for things to go wrong.
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#8 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 10:39 PM
 
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Nope, and I'm ususally the 'cool' mom. Too far, too much potential for alcohol and or drugs being along for the ride, too good an opportunity for her to be disillusioned when he goes without her
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#9 of 77 Old 04-07-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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I don't have teens yet, but I was one not too long ago and I know my mother would have never let me go that far away to the beach, not at sixteen at least. When I was seventeen she let me drive from Washington to Montana with my then boyfriend, but he had an excellent driving record (he was eighteen at the time) and had proven himself to be very responsible with me (plus we had a cell phone and I called my mother every so often during the trip). However, given the information that you shared, I would personally say "no" this time. A ride to maybe 25 miles away to the beach, I'd probably say yes, but 125 miles is quite a lot with a guy who sounds like he's not too trustworthy.

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#10 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 04:03 PM
 
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Youre the mother. You said 'no'. That's all the 'good reason' you need.
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#11 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 04:08 PM
 
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Originally Posted by JustOneMore View Post
Youre the mother. You said 'no'. That's all the 'good reason' you need.
I disagree. Many families here believe in and value a lot more input from their teens.

I think each family will come to different conclusions or find solutions that will work for them, for different reasons, but "I'm the mom and I said so" just doesn't sit well with me at all.

"The true measure of a man is how he treats a man who can do him absolutely no good."
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#12 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 04:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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How can you know they aren't having sex?
I believe her (and him) when I asked and was told that it had not happened. I provided all kinds of scenarios to my daughter, and she stands firm in not wanting to have sex. At this juncture, she does not want children...even as an adult. I feel that may change at some point as she gets older....but her desire NOT to have kids is great enough, and she knows enough about the failure rates of birth control that she is not willing to risk it. When I asked about oral sex, she got all blushy and couldn't look me in the eye. I believe I know her well enough to know when she is guilty!
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#13 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 04:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Youre the mother. You said 'no'. That's all the 'good reason' you need.
I wanted some other input...sometimes, other moms and dads have advice to offer out of their experiences that I consider valuable in my parenting. Ultimately, I'll choose what to do in the end...
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#14 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 04:58 PM
 
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For me, your reasons aren't really valid for not letting her go. Assuming she wants to go. Basically your argument is that this slacker dude isn't good enough for your honor roll princess. It's a beach trip for the day. It's not a weekend getaway to France. I let my dd choose her friends. You may not like him, but it sounds like your dd has a good head on her shoulders and is trustworthy and has a good understanding of herself and her desires in life. So I if it was me, I'd trust her to decide if she wants to go.
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#15 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 05:26 PM
 
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ITA that "Because I'm the Mommy and I said so" isn't really appropriate for teenagers. I've only used it on very young children who keep asking "why" without really looking for answers, and then only when my limits have been pushed too far!

However, the driving issue alone IMO is reason enough to say "no". You don't feel safe with teenagers driving that far round-trip in one day , don't know either of them well enough to know what kind of drivers they are, etc.

I don't think that "I don't like him and I hope this is an opportunity for her to see what a jerk he is" is a particularly good reason to say no. It's quite fine to THINK it, but it's not something to act upon.

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#16 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 05:45 PM
 
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She already has plans to go work and ride at a horse farm that day anyway
This is a valid reason for saying no, she already had plans.

Him going without her doesn't make him a jerk though, imo.
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#17 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For me, your reasons aren't really valid for not letting her go. Assuming she wants to go. Basically your argument is that this slacker dude isn't good enough for your honor roll princess. It's a beach trip for the day. It's not a weekend getaway to France. I let my dd choose her friends. You may not like him, but it sounds like your dd has a good head on her shoulders and is trustworthy and has a good understanding of herself and her desires in life. So I if it was me, I'd trust her to decide if she wants to go.
Frankly, I don't appreciate your sarcastic naming of my daughter as being my "honor roll princess". That was quite rude.
If you re-read what I wrote, my primary concern was this "however I only just recently started allowing him to drive with her on the highway to take her to the mall which is 25 miles away. For me to let them go off on some adventure 125 miles away is way out of my comfort zone."
The fact that he is an 18 year old jerk (who we have LET her choose to date in spite of feelings of dismay around it) are just the icing on the cake. If he weren't an obnoxious twit, would we let her go? I very seriously doubt it. It has nothing to do with her being a good kid, it has more to do with safety issues on the highway for one thing, and being with kids that I don't especially care for doesn't help.
Again...no real reason for you to be calling my daughter names...that was uncalled for.
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#18 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 06:31 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I don't think that "I don't like him and I hope this is an opportunity for her to see what a jerk he is" is a particularly good reason to say no. It's quite fine to THINK it, but it's not something to act upon.
Um, that wasn't at all what I said. IF, she happens to notice that he is a jerk about it after I've said no, that's another thing entirely. I would never base my decision to allow her to do something with malicious intent...otherwise, I would never let her go anywhere with him. I simply mentioned how he was acting like a dork about it, to make a point with regard to how much we don't like her dating him. As he continues to behave in an unsavory manner, I can't help but hope that she does notice his behavior, since everyone else (friends, family, etc...) notices it and cannot understand why she would tolerate it.
I should not have mixed the two things. Point A is, I don't feel comfortable with her going. Point B is, we do not like her boyfriend.
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#19 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 06:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Him going without her doesn't make him a jerk though, imo.
No it doesn't. If it were a whole big group of people going, I would see why he'd go, but he'd be tagging along with another couple! His verbal delivery of it was what DOES make him a jerk. If he had said "well, crap...if your parents won't let you go...I hope you won't mind if I still do...I was really looking forward to it" that would have been one thing. The way that he said it was very mean spirited and immature. He said "Just so you know, if you can't go, I'm going anyway without you" and he said it with a mean look on his face, a nasty tone of voice...rolled his eyes, and looked away.
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#20 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 07:34 PM
 
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F*ck no. Pardon my french...but no way would I let my 16 year old daughter drive 125 miles in a car with a bunch of other teenagers for a weekend away. Not. Happening. Too many things could happen and I'd be too far away to do anything about it. And it's not that I wouldn't trust her...i wouldn't trust the other teens.
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#21 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 07:42 PM
 
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I would say no as well. She might be hoping you will say no, even, then she could say that she can't go because her mom won't let her.
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#22 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 07:54 PM
 
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Honor roll princess? Wow, that's harsh.

Mama, it sounds like you aren't comfortable with the situation. Have you sat down and talked with your daughter to get her feelings and opinions on the matter?

Sahm mom to three lovely girls, and happily married to a great, sweet guy
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#23 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 08:02 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
For me, your reasons aren't really valid for not letting her go. Assuming she wants to go. Basically your argument is that this slacker dude isn't good enough for your honor roll princess. It's a beach trip for the day. It's not a weekend getaway to France. I let my dd choose her friends. You may not like him, but it sounds like your dd has a good head on her shoulders and is trustworthy and has a good understanding of herself and her desires in life. So I if it was me, I'd trust her to decide if she wants to go.
I'm hearing this too. And not in a name-calling kind of way. Remember, all we have to go on are the OP's choice of words.

When I read:
Quote:
If you knew the guy, you'd understand. Obnoxious, arrogant, cocky, and an under achiever as far as what he wants out of life. My DD is in the top 1% of her class, national honor roll, and has a bright future ahead of her...complete with GOALS. I just want her to stay on track with her life and get her to August when he leaves for college, 5 hours away.
I feel kinda sick. Academic goals are not the only valid goals. Besides, he is going to go to college so he doesn't seem like he's headed for a life of couch potato-ing. Obnoxious, arrogant and cocky are petty rude words to call someone else's child and then get all up-in-arms when your description of your own child isn't viewed as stellar. Those descriptions could also be made in a derogatory way of a person who is self-confident and intelligent.

Probably I would discourage her from going, but it would have nothing to do with my distaste for her partner.
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#24 of 77 Old 04-08-2008, 09:15 PM
 
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I don't have a teen... yet! But I was one and I have 2 daughters. My mom never EVER let me go out with friends before 18 years old. She would probably drop me off or pick me up and I was fine with that. Yeah, the boys are 18 but not your daughter. I am so glad you are saying no. I do think the response of the guy after you said no, was rude. He would've discuss it after you were gone with her as a respect to you or even your daughter's!

I understand so much about your decision and empathize with it too! Sorry but I do think he reacted like a jerk

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#25 of 77 Old 04-09-2008, 07:22 AM
 
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I'll be the odd one out here and say that I'd probably let my DD go if she didn't have anything else going on.

If they're going to have sex or do drugs, they'll do it anywhere. They don't need 125 miles between you to do it. And accidents can happen anywhere too...whether it's 125 miles away or down on the corner.

The reason I wouldn't though? She has a prior commitment. That is reason enough to say no.
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#26 of 77 Old 04-09-2008, 10:02 AM
 
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I'd say no for the following reasons:

1. 125 mi is too far for dh and I to 'rescue' her if she called and needed help.

2. having a prior commitment

3. gut feeling that it's out of your comfort zone.

4. he isn't being respectful about your needs in all this - that's symptomatic and could be showing that he ALSO won't honor HER needs.

5. YOU feel more comfortable with a NO, probably so do other adults involved. 16 is old enough in most states that if something happened against her will it would have to go through as a rape trial, which would SUCK for everyone. It's true that kids who want to have sex can have it behind the house at night w/out you knowing it, but I DON'T think that means to offer them the ways and means of having it w/your blessing if you don't feel comfortable with him. it's super likely that she's experimenting with this guy in all sorts of ways new to her, but that - to ME - would mean keeping her close to the homestead so that she ALWAYS has a safe place to return to with each venture out.

I didn't hear much about what your dd wants - I ASSUME that she'd prefer to go to the beach over the horse farm, or we wouldn't be talking about any of this, but DID she? Is there enough safe space for her to make a decision he doesn't like, or is she asking you to make those decisions for her?

Good luck with this guy, mama. He sounds like a doozey!

Arduinna, why stir it up - can't you figure out a nicer way to say what you want to say w/out insulting the op? Geesh.

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#27 of 77 Old 04-09-2008, 10:50 AM
 
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when I told him it probably wasn't going to happen, he argued all kinds of points with me
This is the point at which a potential suitor's welcome mat at our house would have been taken up. If he's not willing to respect your decision as the parent who has nurtured your daughter for sixteen years, why would he respect her any more? You folks that think it's fine to let your kids do whatever they want because they're teenagers, good luck. As long as my boys are living in my house, I will expect them to occasionally suffer a "no" because I have thirty-odd more years of life experience than they do. That's my job.
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#28 of 77 Old 04-09-2008, 11:13 AM
 
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I still really question many of the respondents and the OP about why respect is a one-way street here. You tend to get what you give.
This strikes a cord with me because I heard my father in law call my brother in law (his daughter's DP) a 'nowhere man'. He is expected to be respectful of a man who says this of him. No, he didn't go to college or have a high paying job and he does have long hair. He is also a fantastic father and a loving partner. He's working out a way to work at home so he and my SIL can raise their children full time. He also speaks his mind. These are traits that I would greatly prefer over academics.
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#29 of 77 Old 04-09-2008, 01:16 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaLisa1 View Post
Anyway, my strong gut reaction is to say NO.
There you go. Your gut is right on, mama. Don't let your DD alone with this creep for that long!

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#30 of 77 Old 04-09-2008, 01:44 PM
 
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I think I would trust my dd to decide what to do...sounds like she is an intelligent person. IMHO you only get so many years of control...at some point you have to allow them to make their own mistakes...and yes, those mistakes can be hurtful to watch at times..but they are necessary for life lessons.
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