10yo dsd does not wipe or flush after pooping - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 23 Old 04-14-2008, 05:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm not sure how to handle this. DSD just cannot seem to wipe or flush. I've given up on wiping after she pees. It does not matter how many talks we've had with her. She smells like pee often. The problem is that she does not flush or wipe after pooping. I thought it was just a problem at home, but the girls spent the weekend at my moms and she left poops all over their house. She even left one at our house over the weekend (we were out of town house shopping). Unfortunately, we had several buyers view our home over the weekend. We came home to an awful smell upstairs. She has done this ever since I've known her (6yo). I thought it was just an occassional thing until the girls came to live with us full time in December. Is this typical behavior? DD is 5 and always cleans herself. DSD 8 forgets to flush her pee every once in a while, which I don't mind as long as it doesn't sit for days. She always wipes. I'm at a loss.
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#2 of 23 Old 04-14-2008, 05:58 PM
 
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No, it is not normal. I see in another of your posts your dsd has had some traumatic experiences, is she in counseling? I think this is something worth talking to a professional about.

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#3 of 23 Old 04-15-2008, 02:41 PM
 
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Our bathroom problems were solved by 1) buying wet wipes and 2) the rule that if your bottom is wiped correctly, you had to take a shower each time you went to the bathroom, and wash the area well in the shower. That quickly got boring and tedious, and wiping got much better. Lazy kid was the cause, pure and simple, but I don't know you dsd so I can't assume anything with her

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#4 of 23 Old 04-15-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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I don't know how "normal" it is. What's normal anyway? My ds went through a time when he did this, though. I can't remember the exact age now. I didn't make a big deal out of it at the time. I asked him a few times when I first noticed about the wiping but didn't get much of an answer. I also said something about how I don't like to see other people's poop in the toilet. He's 17 now and at least flushes. I have no idea how well he wipes or if he wipes at all but that's not really my concern. It's his body. I assume if he doesn't wipe, his bum would get pretty uncomfortable like a baby with diaper rash and that would motivate him to clean himself better.

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#5 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 02:37 AM
 
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My ds is 12 and just started wiping on a regular basis last year. He was just lazy.
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#6 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 03:18 AM
 
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I've had the same problem with my 10 year old dd, and she doesn't have emotional problems. She is lazy and doesn't want to do it. We have struggled with this over and over. She has gotten better about it lately, and has even made a point of letting me know that she has been wiping. The wipes do help a lot but I feel a bit guilty buying those and I want her to realize that she won't always have access to wipes. So I kinda remind her and I have to treat a lot of underwear lol. I think it's hard for me to personally understand cause I can't stand not to be clean downunder. It doesn't seem like it's been an issue for her up till now. Be patient and talk to her maybe no one has ever taken the time to show her or talk to her.
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#7 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 11:58 AM
 
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The wipes do help a lot but I feel a bit guilty buying those and I want her to realize that she won't always have access to wipes.
I don't understand what the problem with the wipes is if they are helping. Isn't that a good thing? Why would you feel guilty about buying them?

I wouldn't call a person lazy for not wiping. Maybe the person is very sensitive and it hurts to wipe with rough, dry paper. My 4yo cries and sometimes screams and says his butt hurts every time he wipes it whether it's with dry or wet paper. I would find it much more useful to look for the underlying reason and be compassionate and empathetic rather than judgemental and have conditions placed on something that is helpful to the other person.

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#8 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 12:23 PM
 
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My younger brother was like that...even still is sometimes and he's almost 14. My younger sister was like that too and she just turned 16. My mom just didnt make a big deal about it and would go behind them and do it. I freaked out one day when i was over there. I think really holding them accountable for this action. There mind is somewhere else and i truely think they dont even think about how yucky they are being. I suggested to mom that they clean the bath room for chores or once a week. That way they see how big a mess they are making and have to clean up after themselves. Really staying on them about it and not doing it for them. Let it sit until they get home and make them flush then.

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#9 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 03:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you everyone for all your suggestions. Dsd does have a lot of issues. On top of everything she also has ADHD. Dh and I think that there is more going on and now have the school counselor envolved as well as her own therpist. Even though I do not want her to smell the real issue for me is that I don't want the poop left in the toilet stinking up the entire house. I know that someday she will care about the impact she is having on her relationships at school. The hard part is that she already suffers so much socially. She is having such a difficult time. This is just one more thing. I know she is being told at school that she is wierd. The day I posted this she had an outburst in class with her teacher. The poor kid has so much going on in her life. Dh and I are such a loss. We are devastated and want to help her so much. I know this is just one small thing in the big picture, but I'm so emotionally taxed by everything that I become so frustrated when I find a stinky poop. Especially when we're trying to sell our home.

We will be discussing this issue with her therapist, but in addition we are going to have her clean the toilet everytime she leaves a special surprise. We've tried the wipes before, but what happens is she does the exact opposite and she uses the entire box in one sitting.
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#10 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 03:34 PM
 
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I don't understand what the problem with the wipes is if they are helping. Isn't that a good thing? Why would you feel guilty about buying them?

I wouldn't call a person lazy for not wiping. Maybe the person is very sensitive and it hurts to wipe with rough, dry paper. My 4yo cries and sometimes screams and says his butt hurts every time he wipes it whether it's with dry or wet paper. I would find it much more useful to look for the underlying reason and be compassionate and empathetic rather than judgemental and have conditions placed on something that is helpful to the other person.
Wow I feel a little attacked here. First of all I am compassionate to my daughter. I have and do buy her wipes when she asks for them. I have asked her why she doesn't wipe and she tells me she doesn't know, and also she tells me she just doesn't feel like it. I would probably be in a better position to know whether my child is lazy or if there is an underlying problem. There are no conditions placed on my daughter, it is however a reality that there are not wipes available at school and many other places. She does need to learn how to take care of herself. If you want to respond to someone post perhaps you should also practice non judgment.
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#11 of 23 Old 04-16-2008, 07:28 PM
 
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Wow I feel a little attacked here. First of all I am compassionate to my daughter. I have and do buy her wipes when she asks for them. I have asked her why she doesn't wipe and she tells me she doesn't know, and also she tells me she just doesn't feel like it. I would probably be in a better position to know whether my child is lazy or if there is an underlying problem. There are no conditions placed on my daughter, it is however a reality that there are not wipes available at school and many other places. She does need to learn how to take care of herself. If you want to respond to someone post perhaps you should also practice non judgment.
I'm sorry you took my post that way. It was not meant to be judgemental toward you, personally. I honestly was asking why you would feel guilty about the wipes, which is what you said. What about buying wipes would cause guilt? I truly do not understand that. Maybe I misinterpreted the part of your post about having her realize that wipes would not always be available to her. I took that to mean that, because you feel guilty about buying them, you would not continue to do it. Calling someone lazy is a negative judgement on their character and that type of thing is not helpful when trying to solve any problem. Assuming positive intent, or at least not assuming negative intent (in person and online), can go a long way in keeping ourselves in a place of empathy and compassion instead of anger or annoyance or resentment and that mindset is a lot more helpful when trying to solve a problem.

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#12 of 23 Old 04-17-2008, 02:36 AM
 
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I'm sorry but I don't see using the word lazy to describe someone as always having a negative connotation.People can be lazy in certain situations that doesn't mean I think less of them. I can see that you have a different interpretation of the word. That's fine. I love my dd very much, I think the OP loves her dsd very much too. I was trying to reassure her that I think this behavior is somewhat normal at this age and something that some children go through. I wanted her to understand that it does get better.

The guilt about the wipes is simply because they seem wasteful and also I know that people have complained that they can back up the sewer. I live on the third floor of a condo and our sewer passes through others pipes so I was conscious of this. Now that we have throughly derailed the OP thread I will bow out of the conversation.
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#13 of 23 Old 04-17-2008, 09:46 AM
 
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Originally Posted by co op mama View Post
I'm sorry but I don't see using the word lazy to describe someone as always having a negative connotation.People can be lazy in certain situations that doesn't mean I think less of them. I can see that you have a different interpretation of the word. That's fine. I love my dd very much, I think the OP loves her dsd very much too. I was trying to reassure her that I think this behavior is somewhat normal at this age and something that some children go through. I wanted her to understand that it does get better.

The guilt about the wipes is simply because they seem wasteful and also I know that people have complained that they can back up the sewer. I live on the third floor of a condo and our sewer passes through others pipes so I was conscious of this. Now that we have throughly derailed the OP thread I will bow out of the conversation.
I never questioned anyone's love for their children. I assume that's a given, especially when a parent comes to these message boards. I, too, agree that this behavior seems to be in the realm of "normal", as in it's just something that some kids do for a period. When I first bought the wet wipes for my 4yo I had some misgivings about them. Regular toilet paper is certainly much cheaper. However, once I saw that they helped my ds feel somewhat more comfortable with wiping himself I decided they were worth it. I'd do it for me if I needed them so I'll do it for my children.

BTW, to the OP, my son was also diagnosed with adhd. Maybe that's a contributing factor to this behavior.

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#14 of 23 Old 04-22-2008, 07:17 PM
 
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My 10 DSD has the same problem. What seems to be working is pointing out the correlation between not wiping and later having an itchy hurting bottom. The flushing part got better after her little brothers started telling everyone it was her when we'd find it. They were asked if it was them and they got sick of it. Now we're working on her changing her underwear more than once a week. Wow, it never ends.

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#15 of 23 Old 04-29-2008, 12:59 AM
 
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To answer a question from your OP - no, that is not typical behavior for a ten year old. I would absolutely focus on fixing that - regardless of whether it is lazy, dry tp hurts, no one taught her, whatever the reason.

I think you are on the right track to bring this up with her therapist. And it will be really tough to outlive the reputation at school if a 5th grader smells like urine or feces. Poor kid. Something is really off. Good for you for respectfully helping her to figure this out.
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#16 of 23 Old 04-29-2008, 01:07 AM
 
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I do not think this is normal in any kind of way. No.
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#17 of 23 Old 04-29-2008, 01:28 AM
 
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I would also say that when you do get her on the right track to seriously think about a different school. For example: I picked my nose once in 4th grade when I thought no one was looking and was called Becky bugger until I graduated high school.

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#18 of 23 Old 04-30-2008, 11:14 AM
 
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Could she have encopresis?

She might not puprosefully doing this. Encroresis has an emotional side. Kids will lie or act like nothing's wrong because they are embarrassed.
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#19 of 23 Old 05-03-2008, 06:53 PM
 
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From the responses here, it seems pretty normal to me. Laziness and not having an awareness of the consequences can be to blame. My sons both went through this. With a girl; however, you do run the risk of infection, so I would definitely make kind of a big deal about it.
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#20 of 23 Old 05-07-2008, 03:10 AM
 
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Originally Posted by RN2Bmommy View Post
I'm not sure how to handle this. DSD just cannot seem to wipe or flush. I've given up on wiping after she pees. It does not matter how many talks we've had with her. She smells like pee often. The problem is that she does not flush or wipe after pooping. I thought it was just a problem at home, but the girls spent the weekend at my moms and she left poops all over their house. She even left one at our house over the weekend (we were out of town house shopping). Unfortunately, we had several buyers view our home over the weekend. We came home to an awful smell upstairs. She has done this ever since I've known her (6yo). I thought it was just an occassional thing until the girls came to live with us full time in December. Is this typical behavior? DD is 5 and always cleans herself. DSD 8 forgets to flush her pee every once in a while, which I don't mind as long as it doesn't sit for days. She always wipes. I'm at a loss.
I'm not clearly understanding what's going on here. To me "forgetting" to wipe after pooping leads to "skid marks" and other such nice surprises for the person doing the laundry. But what the heck do you mean about "left one at our house" and "left poops all over their house"? If you mean depositing fecal matter in non-toilet locations throughout the house, then NO - that is not normal behavior for a school-aged child.

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#21 of 23 Old 05-10-2008, 11:09 PM
 
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But what the heck do you mean about "left one at our house" and "left poops all over their house"? If you mean depositing fecal matter in non-toilet locations throughout the house, then NO - that is not normal behavior for a school-aged child.
That's exactly what I was going to ask. My almost 10 yo sometimes forgets to flush (she sits in there and reads and I guess gets distracted) but she always goes in the toilet. I would find it very strange if she started going in other places.
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#22 of 23 Old 05-11-2008, 05:23 PM
 
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i haven't read the whole thread, but have you considered that maybe she is being sexually abused? i really don't know a better way to state that...and i hope you don't take it the wrong way. i just know that this sort of thing can be connected to that, sometimes, and might be worth investigating. by making herself "unclean" or "undesirable" she may be trying to create a defense mechanism against someone who is behaving innapropriatly with her.
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#23 of 23 Old 05-12-2008, 05:17 PM
 
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I would have to go with thank goodness you have the opportunity to talk with a professional. Sorry. And the abuse suggestion seems worth checking out. The not flushing seems very kiddish to me but the not wiping or being "clean" seems odd and frankly a bit dangerous ie uti or bladder infection.
Maybe a fantastic book on hygiene that is geared toward a bit younger girl would help...and lots and lots of information about body parts and where they are and how they work.
And I really hope you are doing ok with having to deal with all this. Being a mama is just such a HUGE job sometimes.
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