I have a bit of a problem concerning my older teen. - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 05-08-2008, 03:23 PM
 
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You pay for college "as long as he gets good grades." It sounds like you want to change the set-up. Can you talk to him honestly about it? You say you don't want to lay down rules but you also say you "made" him come home and get a haircut and look for a job?

I say talk to him about your worries, see if he's having a hard time with growing up and see if you can work something out between you.
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#32 of 41 Old 05-08-2008, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to offer my heartfelt thanks for everyone who has chimed in with their advice and their personal stories. I am going to take everything into consideration and just let things happen as they will.
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#33 of 41 Old 05-12-2008, 10:06 PM
 
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I work at a state university. I'm also the mother of a DD20 college student who went to school 3 hours away for 2 years before transferring home to attend our local university and live at home.

We just finished spring semester finals. I supervise roughly 12 student workers. Every spring I usually have a rant about how lazy and unmotivated my student workers are--don't worry, I don't tell my student workers, just my co-workers. But it happens every spring, I've worked there about 8 years. I think they just plain old stressed and worn out!

I myself was a classical music major and the expectations are unreal. Not only are you expected to do well in your classes, you are expected to "perform" flawlessly with your instrument as well, requiring hours and hours of practice and rehearsals. My DD would arrive home from college and literally collapse from the stress. She still says that there is something about our home that makes her drowsy and want to sleep.

I wouldn't worry too much about the summer job, he still has a jump on the high school students in your area. Give him a couple of days to recharge.
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#34 of 41 Old 05-12-2008, 10:35 PM
 
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I believe, with all my heart, that he is suffering some sort of depressive condition, but I cannot force him to seek help. I've talked to him about this and he is not willing. He denies he is depressed
This reminds me of a couple years ago when my cousin was finishing up his 1st year, and it seemed his initial enthusiasm had turned to depression. He denied depression, and my aunt ended up having him tested for all kinds of medical conditions (to no avail). She just couldn't understand it. He snapped out if it eventually though. Also last year, my sil, normally a very perky and upbeat girl, was going through a depression near the end of freshman year. She cried a lot and even felt she may need to see a therapist (don't know if she actually did on campus). It seems to me a lot of people really struggle with that first year. Sorry that's not really advice, but I think it's common anyway. I think it's a hard transition from childhood to "reality," maybe harder for some.
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#35 of 41 Old 05-13-2008, 01:12 AM
 
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I just wanted to say that when I was in college, I would come home at Christmas and Summer breaks and just sleep and veg and sleep and veg for about two or three weeks before I felt recovered enough to handle life again.

College is exhausting! As pp's have pointed out--it's a lot of intense work, plus the stresses of being on your own for the first time in life.

I remember that if I ever got sick while at college I would long for my mommy to bring me some soup. The longing was so bad that I couldn't function for a couple of days (read: depression). But there was nobody to bring me soup or any other food--I had to drag myself out of bed and to the kitchen or worse, the cafeteria.

My point is, I think every college student deserves some decompression time before they have to face real life...

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#36 of 41 Old 05-13-2008, 07:27 PM
 
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My teen won a full tuition scholarship to a small private liberal arts college and is majoring in biology, and minoring in Spanish and math. In addition to that, she is 850 miles away from home. She was afraid to tell us that she was overwhelmed, depressed, and thinking death would be peaceful. She finally broke down on the phone recently. Later that night I had someone from the school take her to be admitted in the hospital. She was majorly depressed. She is now taking an antidepressant (which I would normally be very hesitant to try), and is doing much better. She is going to slow down a bit and try not to push herself so hard. She understands that she has to work, but definitley was having troubles w/handling it all. I hope your son isn't depressed, but it really sounds like maybe he is. This is such a tough time for kids that age, wanting to spread their wings and also wanting/needing some help. Poor things. I remember how tough it was. I hope you find an answer, and that he realizes that this is real life and that he has to be realistic. They do have to work for what they want. No getting around that. Good luck, and keep us posted!

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#37 of 41 Old 06-28-2008, 10:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I just wanted to thank all who took the time to respond.
Today is June 28 and my DS seems to be worse.

He still has no job and is not really looking. He spends each day in the house, sometimes with my 14 year old DS and sometimes alone (I am WOH) watching TV and laying on the couch with his laptop.

He has had a few episodes of cussing at his father over some issues.

He takes a shower every 2 days or so. His bedroom, which he said he wanted to clean and organize, sits filthy day after day. He doesn't even sleep in there anymore.

About every 3 days or so, I can't take it anymore and go off on him. He also said he doesn't want to go on vacation with us next week, so he is staying at home. Honestly, I don't even want him to go.

Last night he gave me the same old song and dance about how he works hard during the school year, I should be grateful, blah blah blah. I am not grateful. It is HIS life now, not mine. My days of parenting him like a school child are over and it's time for us to make some hard decisions. I wouldn't mind so much him not working if he actually did something around the house, but he doesn't.

He has absolutely no motivation whatsoever.
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#38 of 41 Old 06-28-2008, 10:38 AM
 
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It sounds like depression may be an issue but I am not a doctor, I'm only speaking from personal experience.

When you said he only lies on the couch all day that really struck a chord with me.

And for the record my parents paid for my entire 4 years of college, plus an apartment (by myself) for a short period of time and I am a very ambitious person who doesn't expect handouts.

Also, I too was shocked when my parents said they weren't going to pay for anymore schooling after I graduated. Now I laugh at that, but when you are young you don't realize certain things.

As for the ambition...there was a point in time when depression struck and things changed for me...especially coming home and sleeping all day. I just didn't care. I had no friends and I was cranky as heck. I even got into a physical fight with my sister. I just snapped...

And not showering...yea, sometimes its hard for depressed people to do the simplest things because they just don't feel like it...and I mean even trying to do it is REALLY DIFFICULT. It's not that people want to feel like this, it's just a big weight that's hard to lift.

It doesn't go away. It can go for a short time but it will always come back; sometimes it's worse. There needs to be some sort of help in place. Even if going to a counselor isn't an option right now there are other things a person can do. But yelling at the person and getting frustrated only makes it worse. (Not saying that you or anyone in your house is doing this; just generally speaking) You wouldn't yell at a cancer patient so you have to look at depression as something that needs treatments as well. Nobody WANTS to feel like that, they just need help.
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#39 of 41 Old 06-28-2008, 11:27 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks.

I am not yelling (usually), but I am frustrated. You cannot make a 220 lb. 18year old boy/man seek help. I have expressed my concern to him about his mental health and he laughs at me.
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#40 of 41 Old 06-28-2008, 03:22 PM
 
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Thanks.

I have expressed my concern to him about his mental health and he laughs at me.
A lot of people do. There is a stigma. Who wants to be labeled as "mentally unhealthy"? It's something that a person has to want to do on their own; yet at the same time there's a right and wrong way to suggest the idea.

Hmmm maybe there are some books or articles on the subject....
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#41 of 41 Old 06-30-2008, 09:04 PM
 
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pay for a car or insurance or clothing- or that hair cut? maybe you need to stop, so he has sme incentive to earn some money...
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