I feel guilty! - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 09-30-2003, 11:29 PM - Thread Starter
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Am I the only mom who is wracked with guilt? I have had ongoing problems with my dd and her room. She is 10. Basically, she will say her room is clean and then I go check it and it's not. Allowing for some variance in our definition of "clean", there have been instances where she knew it wasn't clean, she was just banking on me not checking.

Anyway, last week, we were having another discussion about her room and how I expect her to accept the responsibility of keeping it clean. Then, I found out she lied to me about homework. So she was grounded from television for a week.

Come the weekend, and on Friday night, she's crying, tellling me none of her friends get grounded,and it makes her feel so bad when she's grounded. I told her that I didn't think I would be showing her a good example if I backed off my week of no television. But it kills me to see her in tears, and a little bit angry too, like she's trying to manipulate me or something.

I think we're hving the beginning of some hormones, which are not helping. Add to that the fact I'm pregnant, and well, I spent a good hour crying on DH's shoulder, agonized over whether or not I was a mean mother.

Tell me I'm not alone? Any suggestions?
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#2 of 10 Old 10-01-2003, 01:40 AM
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I hear you, mama.

I have a 9, soon to be 10, dd , my 15 month old dd and i'm preggo(17 weeks). It's been hormone city around here and my poor dh is just trying to weather the storm.lol I'm crabby and dd#1 is pushing my buttons, and the baby is in her destruct-o phase.

At 4:30 this afternoon i grabbed a huge bowl of ice cream and crawled under a blanket in the living room til dh got home. DD #1 was asked nicely to wok on her science till dad got home........before mom joined the circus.

No advice but lots of hugs!
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#3 of 10 Old 10-01-2003, 07:06 PM
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Ugh, those hormones! (ours and theirs). I have a 12 year old and have concluded if he wants to live in a pig sty so be it, mostly. About once a month I ask him to clean up but since his idea of clean is a path that leads to the bed, I have to ask for specific things - clothes hung up, toys in closet, trash thrown away, etc. As long as I make it clear ahead of time what the consequences might be, I don't feel guilty if he chooses those consequences.
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#4 of 10 Old 10-02-2003, 03:15 PM - Thread Starter
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Thanks Moms!! It is nice knowing I'm not the only one out here.

Velcromom--do you mind telling me what kind of consequences you're talking about?
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#5 of 10 Old 10-02-2003, 05:25 PM
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I'm with you! My kids are 12, 9 and 6. I do expect my kids to keep their rooms clean (to some extent: ), but the bigger problem, in my opinion, is the lying. Dishonesty is simply not to be tolerated. Trust is so important, and once lost is hard to regain. I would definitely deal out some loss of priviledges for lying. Don't fall for the tearful "I'm the only one that gets grounded" nonsense. Actions have consequences...an important lesson to learn. You're helping her learn it! Hang in there, you're not alone!
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#6 of 10 Old 10-02-2003, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
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Thank you 3boysmom! I was so upset about the lying, it was so unlike her. She knows why she was grounded (more for the lying than the room). This is the not-so-fun part of parenting, isn't it?
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#7 of 10 Old 10-05-2003, 11:36 PM
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'but nobody else gets in trouble" etc? Mine was bedtime -no one else has to go to bed that early

He gave me a piece of paper and said go call friends parents or he would and ASK what time they had to go to bed
if it looked like he was being unreasonable based on that we would talk ...

My friends were full of bologna ...
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#8 of 10 Old 10-10-2003, 12:48 AM
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I think it is important to be able to say to my kids that I like it that I can trust them to do the right thing. Sooooo..... we talk about doing the right thing a lot. Sometimes I don't do the right thing, and I admit it ASAP, which is very hard. However, I do have my kids' respect, and I'm proud of it. It makes it easier to ask them to do the right thing. So, if I ask if the room is tidy and I suspect it isn't, I'll ask again, "Are you sure? Because if it isn't, you'll be embarrassed and you'll be late for ballet lessons..." and then I check. Sometimes I don't check, and I am disappointed when I discover that they have lied. I don't act disappointed. I AM disappointed. That is a big difference.
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#9 of 10 Old 10-14-2003, 10:33 PM
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I watched my mom and sister fight nonstop about her room all through jr. high and high school (well actually, my mom sort of let it go the last two years of high school). My sister's room was pretty messy! But now that I think back, it seems such a silly thing to have poisoned thier relatiosnhip so. Her house is perfectly clean now. She does have responsibility issues, and her high school room might have been a symptom of this, but my mom's constant nagging about the room didn't do anything to help my sister learn responsibility; it did create a lot of friction in their relationship.

I agree that lying and that homework are serious. But I wonder , based on my experience with my mom and sister, if a child's messy room is a battle to wage.

Good luck
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#10 of 10 Old 10-24-2003, 11:26 PM
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She is trying to manipulate you,or as those who are more politically correct would say she is testing your limits.Her tears might be genuine but she needs to realize that she is a member of your family and families help each other,even if it is only by cleaning up her room.If you have found that she will not tell you the truth about cleaning up her room then maybe you need to devise a specific punishment for not cleaning her room and tell her that when you check(not if) it is not clean then the punishment will go into effect immediately.That way you will put the ball of staying out of trouble firmly back in her court.
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