Up at 1 30 am with a police call. ugh. - Mothering Forums

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Old 07-21-2008, 11:41 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So my 14 yo had two friends stay the night. Basically they went out to the store down the road at 1am to get candy and stuff. They broke curfew law, went behind my back, and the police woke me up with a knock on the door.

I give my son lots of freedom. He hangs out with his friends in his den, the door is connected to the outside so god knows how many times he has been out late at night without me knowing, while I am tucked in bed asleep.

Punishment ideas? I need fair ideas please. Thanks!

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Old 07-21-2008, 12:02 PM
 
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Is this the first time?

After being caught by the police, and brought home, do you really think they will do it again?

I am inclined to let it go. If that is not possible, I think no sleepovers for a set amount of time (say 1 month?) may work well. He had friends over, they snuck out, they broke curfew. Natural consequence - no sleepovers for a while.
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Old 07-21-2008, 12:09 PM
 
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I think being brought home by the police might be consequence enough. I can't say that I would do anything other than talk to them and say that as a safety issue, roaming around the neighborhood while you are sleeping is not a safe thing to do. I wouldn't be comfortable with my kids doing it. When my daughter did this with her friend who was roaming the streets and playing hide and seek in the neighborhood after midnight along with lying to me, I had her stop hanging around that friend. It was more the lying to my face that got me. I saw them running all around at one am playing hide and seek. I saw who was there and when I confronted the girl on the issue she said she wasn't there. Well I saw her with my own eyes doing it. You can't even talk about the safety issue when you are going to lie about it in the first place. So, that was more my issue in that situation. It is really important to me to have trust. To be able to go to sleep and not having to worry about my children at night.

I would appreciate the honesty of "hey, we were hungry and wanted a snack" more than anything. I would go out of my way to provide snacks for the friends so they would have no needs of a 1am snack run. There are a lot of coupons for candy right now in the paper and deals at CVS. I would make it a point prior to going to bed to check on the friends and say "now if you need a snack...we've got x,y, and z" Or here is the popcorn maker and the popcorn, there is iced tea in the fridge. Something like that.
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Old 07-21-2008, 12:11 PM
 
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Um wow. I am just imagining me being the parent who sent my kid for a sleepover to someone's house, and to find out that the kids were out at 1 a.m.

*HUGS*

I would definitely cancel all and any sleepovers in and outside the house until I can trust the kid again. If it takes a month, then a month it is. If it takes 3 months, then 3 months it is.

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Old 07-21-2008, 12:14 PM
 
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Also I would pause after I said "now boys...if you need a snack" and get this look that would let them know under no circumstances do they need to leave because they have everything they need right here. My kids would laugh when I said it. It could become a running joke...about snacks and how we have to make sure these boys have snacks.
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Old 07-21-2008, 12:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, first of all thanks for the ideas.
so because i dont have candy in my house it is acceptable for my son and his friends to do what they did? since when it is necessary to provide candy for snacks to prevent your teen from going out at 1am to buy it?

i have snacks in my houseretzels, popcorn, poptarts, cereal, bread, ham, crackers, potato chips, little debbie snacks, even darn candy itself is in my house.
i kinda feel defensive that i am the blame because i *dont have snacks in the house*. YES. I DO have snacks in my house, i have teens here all the time. I even baked cupcakes for them last night!
their main plause was they said they wanted coke to drink. i dont have coke in my house, sorry. we dont drink that stuff. we drink water here, or i have apple juice, orange juice, and even sweet tea made. thats enough imo to have around to drink.

i think i did have that no sleepovers for a while is suffice enough. the look on their faces was priceless enough for me. i had a nice chuckle about it, even with the parents of the children, who, thank god, were understanding. how embarrassing for me. my son has never been brought home by the police before, but he admitted to walking around the roads late at night. the safey issue is the main problem for me, we live in town and they also left my door unlocked while they went to the store, me and my 4yo were asleep, anyone could have walked in. we dont live in a score plus neighbourhood.

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Old 07-21-2008, 12:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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also this is the first time that my son had a certain new friend stay over. this friend is older than my son(almost 16) and has some *issues*. HE is living with his gma right now as his mom is in prison for GTA. Poor kid. I dont know him that well. My son and the older friend gladly drink water, tea or whatever and never complain. That friend was complaining about no coke. Also when I woke up this morning(after about 4 hours sleep) the friend was gone.(it was 6 30) he is back now, he said he went skating early this morning. he told me his gma doesnt let him do anything so he has to do what he can do before he goes home. He is a good kid, just having a rough time right now. But he is kinda more rebellious than my ds ever has been at this point.

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Old 07-21-2008, 02:13 PM
 
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I don't know about punishment, more a talking to about why roaming around in the middle of the night, with no one knowing where you are, is not a good idea.

The only reason the police brought them home was because they were out late? I've never lived somewhere with a curfew law. That seems strange. I can see why sneaking out at night can be not-so-smart, but I don't like the idea of it instantly bringing kids into contact with the police as 'law-breakers.' Although if all they got out of it was a ride home that made something of an impression, I suppose it's not too terrible.
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
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The only reason the police brought them home was because they were out late? I've never lived somewhere with a curfew law. That seems strange. I can see why sneaking out at night can be not-so-smart, but I don't like the idea of it instantly bringing kids into contact with the police as 'law-breakers.' Although if all they got out of it was a ride home that made something of an impression, I suppose it's not too terrible.
yea, i didnt even know there was a curfew law here...there used to not be. the police brought them home because, when he was stopping them and trying to talk to them, the two friends were ducking and running away from the officer. the officer than thought they were suspicious and decided to talk to me about that. he brought them home for safety reasons. he said he wasnt going to wake me up but decided he better because he wanted to make sure the two boys that ran were really staying the night with me, and not making up the story in case they had done something else wrong.i am glad he brought them home, though. he was very nice and kinda blew it off saying teens do this all the time, at least they arent throwing up from being drunk.

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Old 07-21-2008, 02:48 PM
 
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Hi!

I have a 16 year old son who went through this kind of thing - and let me just say - you will get advice from a lot of parents who don't yet have teens and they have no idea! DO what you believe is right in your gut. You know your kid (but right now probably feel like you don't). I listened to other people because I was unsure of myself and it made things worse with my son. Boys this age are beyond testing you. This is full blown, "I believe I am a man" kind of stuff. Take a stance and stick with it - or you might regret it later.

Hugs to you - and best of luck...

Unschooling, writer mom of Matt, 22; Lydia, 21; Alex, 18; Liam, 16; Jack, 9; Kiara, 7; Seamus, 5; Anais, 1 and ??? May 2015. About to hit the road in an RV full time. Currently live off grid in Alaska.
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Old 07-21-2008, 02:54 PM
 
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You know, if they weren't drinking or doing drugs or hurting anyone I would probably explain the consequences of being caught out after curfew and let it go. I hate laws that treat people like they are not free just because of their age. It's hardly an incentive to act like an adult.
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:12 PM
 
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What about asking him what his consequence should be? I do this with my kids and they always come up with something harsher than I would and then stick to it because they came up with it.

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Old 07-21-2008, 03:27 PM
 
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If you baked them cupcakes and had that many snacks and they still had to go out for coke that sounds hinky to me.

Since when is it necessary to buy coke? Since now that the police brought them home since you didn't have any. I would keep coke around after a stunt like this....just for your ds and this friend if only to be able to offer this friend one when he came over. Talk about an addiction to caffiene!

Maybe this new friend has lots of issues and just loves to sneak out and do whatever he wants to do. I have this rating system with friends of my kids that is just between me and my children. 3 strikes you are out. This would definately rate as strike one in my book for this new friend. It is not my job to pity other peoples children or reform them at the expense of mine. I am very firm on this issue.

I am not blaming you for not having enough snacks...just saying that from now on you could have a lot of fun with the snack issue. I would give my ds a six pack of coka cola for christmas after a stunt like this. for sure. Even if he didn't get it...I would be busting a gut watching him open presents on christmas and here is this six pack of coca cola...would he even get the joke? It wouldn't matter, it would just be funny.
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Old 07-21-2008, 03:42 PM - Thread Starter
 
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AHA true story now fesses out..after friends leave. ds' friend(the new older one)wanted CIGGARETTES. SO he talked the other two(ds and friend(both 14) to go to the store for *coke*. instead he was trying to get someone at the store that was hanging around there to buy him cigs. yup. knew it was funky.

so anyway..i ended up with no sleepovers for a month.

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Old 07-21-2008, 03:56 PM
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Granted I don't have a kid that age, but I have to say that I don't agree with the idea that the OP needs to buy more soda, or snacks, or whatever, to "prevent" them sneaking out to get them! That's silly and IMHO rewarding bad behavior. it's not like they were sneaking out to find a bathroom because hers was broken, or sneaking out to get bread and milk because there was no food in the house.
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Old 07-21-2008, 04:04 PM
 
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Originally Posted by pigpokey View Post
You know, if they weren't drinking or doing drugs or hurting anyone I would probably explain the consequences of being caught out after curfew and let it go. I hate laws that treat people like they are not free just because of their age. It's hardly an incentive to act like an adult.
I might be the odd one, but if my 15 y.o. is ever roaming the streets at 1 am, I will be only thankful if police will bring her safely home.

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Old 07-21-2008, 04:42 PM
 
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Just to let you know you're not alone...

3 years ago, I had a miserable cold and was unable to sleep, so in desperation I went to Wal-Mart to look for some medicine that might help me rest. This was about 2 AM. Imagine my surprise to find my 15 year old son and his friends there, just seeing the sights. They were all having a sleepover, and it turned out they got bored and decided to see if they could sneak out. They walked a distance of 5 miles, and took empty lots and people's backyards. UGH!!

I drove them all back to the house they were supposed to be sleeping over at, and called everyone's parents in the morning to let them know what happened. In addition to a long lecture about safety and the spot they put the host's family in, my son got a bad case of poison ivy. It was a while before they had a sleepover again, but they learned their lesson and did not repeat that stunt.
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Old 07-21-2008, 05:53 PM
 
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Wow, the cops called for a candy run. What a pathetic world we live in.
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Old 07-21-2008, 05:54 PM
 
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Yes but isn't it funny how when you fully explore the snack issue, the truth comes out. And the truth shall set us free.

Now three strikes for friend a. sneaking out b. attempting to purchase cigarrettes c. my son agreeing to sneak out to buy said cigarettes with friend would be unnerving d. lying about it saying you didn't have adequate snacks. Harump!!!! The nerve!

New friend would be on thin ice with me at this point.
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Old 07-21-2008, 05:58 PM
 
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Curfew law?? You have a real law for curfew?
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Old 07-21-2008, 06:36 PM
 
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My town does. It's 10pm on weekdays and 12am on Friday and Saturday nights for anyone under 18. Exceptions are coming home from work or a school activity, or being in the company of an adult (this makes no sense to me, as an adult is anyone over 18). That said, I don't think it's ever enforced, it's more of a threat.
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
Wow, the cops called for a candy run. What a pathetic world we live in.
word.
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:20 PM
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But they weren't making a "candy run." They snuck out to get the older kid cigarettes.
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Old 07-21-2008, 07:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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But they weren't making a "candy run." They snuck out to get the older kid cigarettes.
double word.

oh, and the cops werent *called*. the cop actually sits at the flash and kinda hangs out there some nights, drinking coffee and what not. when my son and his friends went up to the store, the cop walked over to talk to them. the two kids ran, and thats when the cop got more involved. he originally told me he was just going to talk to them about curfew law(10pm sun-thurs, 12am fri and sat nites) and drop them off. so he wasnt called. and acutally i am very grateful for the nice officer. it takes a village and all that.

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Old 07-21-2008, 08:15 PM
 
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My daughter went off the rails in a big way this year. She's 15. The police were an amazing source of support. I used - and still do- the whole village. I think lots of kids sneak out for the thrill of sneaking out. The police tell me that this age group- 14 to 16- are often out at night making mischief.
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Old 07-21-2008, 08:18 PM
 
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I'd question the truth behind the 16yo sneaking out again to go skating because "his grandma doesn't let him do anything". I'd watch the relationship your son had with this older kid.
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Old 07-21-2008, 08:22 PM
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Well, I'm betting his mean old granny "doesn't let" him smoke cigs! Heh.
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Old 07-22-2008, 01:13 AM
 
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Natural consequence: Being brought home by police.
Logical consequence: No sleepovers for a while.
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Old 07-22-2008, 11:44 AM
 
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I'm sitting here, reading this, thinking of all the times I went to or had sleepovers and we snuck out of the house.
I don't remember getting caught.

I do remember getting busted one night for being out after curfew with a bunch of kids from church. We were out buying fresh KK doughnuts. The cop told us to get along home-after we got our KKs.

we have curfew laws here, too...midnight for anyone under 18. Sucks for my 16 y.o. ds....his friends are all 18 and can roam about all night long.
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Old 07-22-2008, 01:23 PM
 
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Sounds like you have it in hand Mama. Whatever you choose/chose to do I would be likely to say - good job!! I have a tendency to be lenient...but don't hold this stance for others. Being a parent is hard hard work.
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