My child is spoiled. - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 10-28-2003, 05:15 PM - Thread Starter
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Background: I grew up in an authoratative household, full of shame and blame. I vowed that I would never hit my child or say NO to my child when I was pregnant.

Well, my desire to be different than my own parents led me into a trap of permissive parenting. To say it was child-centered is a joke - it was totally without limits and boundaries. If we said no to something, she'd throw such a fit that we'd give in.

Now, she is nine. For the past year, we have been working on setting boundaries for her and sticking to our guns. However, her response to disappointment or having priveledges taken away is to throw things, to hit, to spit on us, etc. I have tried to calmly state that "it's okay to be angry or disappointed. It's inappropriate to hit or call names. I will not tolerate abuse."

I'm at my wits end. To make matters worse, we homeschool (which she is thriving with!) and I just want to send her back to school so I don't have to deal with her.

Any ideas for gentle discipline of a nine year old?
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#2 of 8 Old 10-29-2003, 02:19 AM
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You might have more replies if you post this in the Gentle Discipline forum. It gets more traffic too, I think.
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#3 of 8 Old 10-29-2003, 02:27 AM
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Hugs to you!!!

being consistant of course it the key here. Let her be angry and throw fits, but not in your presence. Live the room without a word or ask her to leave. Be as quiet as possible when she acts out, but stick to your guns. You are doing the best thing for your daughter by changing passive parenting behaviors and setting loving boundaries and guidelines.

You and she are both worth it!
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#4 of 8 Old 10-30-2003, 09:08 AM
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I think your handling it perfectly, it's just going to take awhile for her to realize that you mean what you say. This is a big change from what she is used to and she is going to try and see if you'll really enforce what you say.

Hang in there, it will be so worth it in the end. It honestly could take months for her to adjust to the new boundries, so don't give up if you don't see quick results. It took a long time to get where you are and it will take awhile to get to where you are going.
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#5 of 8 Old 10-30-2003, 09:55 AM
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Hang in there, it will be so worth it in the end. It honestly could take months for her to adjust to the new boundries, so don't give up if you don't see quick results. It took a long time to get where you are and it will take awhile to get to where you are going.
And when you make a change like this things usually get worse before they get better.

Have you sat down and talked to her about making these changes?- at some calm time, not one that is already emotionally charged. Along the lines of you really feel like everyone in your family is important and there are going to be some changes so that everyone can feel safe and have room to be themselves. Right now I am feeling hurt by your expressions of anger and dissapointment. What do you think are ways that you can express yourself that don't hurt others? Then write down whatever she says and pick a few that you BOTH think will work. Think of some house rules together post them and all of you sign the bottom (ours are very open ended- things like, Respect yourself, Respect others, Learn, and Have fun) then when there is a conflict the poster can settle the dispute not you.

Read a book on discipline- I like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen
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#6 of 8 Old 10-30-2003, 10:12 AM
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Since my DS is only 2 motnhs old I do not have an advice for you. But I too grew up in similar enviroment as you did and I too will never tolarate abuse!! It's great you are sticking with it.

I just wanted to give you tip for great book. It's: Children are from heaven, by famous Jonh Gray.

Oh, how I wish my father would have read it.......although it probably would not make any difference.
It really is wonderful book!
Good luck to you
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#7 of 8 Old 10-31-2003, 10:24 AM
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We have the exact same problem with our 9 year old(my stepson). He grew up with his grandmother and ran the household so now we are trying to change it and it is horribly frustrating and sometimes I really feel like I just want to leave but I am really trying to stick it out because I am hoping it won't last forever...there is a great book called "Boundaries With Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend...
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#8 of 8 Old 11-04-2003, 04:39 AM
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Not only will it get worse before it gets better, but after it gets better, the same bad behavior will come back now and again, as she goes through developmental changes.

Fear not! Yes, you can recover your child from spoiling. I'm succeeding oh so slowly with my own 8 y.o. daughter. I had all kinds of emotional issues about motherhood when she was born (wasn't ready to be a mom) and when I finally got to be a full time mom, she was 3 y.o. I tried to make up for lost time by letting her do whatever she wanted. And if I refused her requests, she'd go straight to crying. Well, sometimes that broke my heart, but most of the time I'd give in just to get her to stop, because I hated the sound of it. :

I took a class last summer based on a book about the whole authoritarian vs permisive parenting issue, "Positive Discipline", by Jane Nelsen. She shows how an authoritarian would react to a situation, how a permissive parent would react, and then she shows a better way.

Barbara Colorosso's "Kids Are Worth It" is very similar (and inspiring!) but less practical. She also describes the whole authoritarian vs permissive parents issue. She calls them "Brick Wall Parents" (your childhood home, Pamamidwife) and Jellyfish Parents.

You're doing the right things. Be insistant that she treat you with respect. Try to figure out why she chooses to hit and spit particularly. And don't forget the unconditional love!

Someone moved my effing cheese.
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