I haven't been here in a while, but I don't see any other replies and I'm so curious as to what others are doing or think about this situation.
My son just turned 10 and we have been dealing with this kind of frustration his whole life. Early on it was expressed with great intensity and we've been able to help him tone that down, but I'm right there with you about offering alternatives, expressions for inner dialogue and self-responsibility and needless to say, we are still challenged on this one.
It has social implications that he's had to endure natural consequences of, but now as he enters pre-teen years, his *attitude* is an 'Eyore/Pessimistic/Its your fault' combo that I feel a need to curb. It comes out in quick rude responses to me that are inappropriate ways of speaking to a mom, so he is constantly getting consequences and is miserable! I sometimes don't know if its his old habbit or typical teen communication.
I've worried before about learning disorders or medical conditions and I am again. We've done attachment parenting, Waldorf education, natural consequences, kinetic learning exercises and tried to limit media - though he gets this a lot from his bio-dad visits (UG!). We seem to have some successes and lots of continual struggles. One thing that helps is keeping the mood REALLY light. He is so sensitive, emotionally & physically and the more I let go the better.
But, keeping boundaries isn't always as light as he'd like - he can stretch getting ready for bed/school into HOURS! And if I give too firm a reminder it can really backfire. And sometimes a mom's gotta lay down the law!
Sorry - probably not much help here, but you are not alone!