OMG...wwyd? 13 year old smoking pot... - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-03-2008, 02:50 AM - Thread Starter
 
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ETA: he insists he never smoked it...he just told his friends he did so he would be 'cool'. I don't really believe him 100 percent as he lied about a bunch of other things in the same incident. He's still grounded.

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I just found out.
He was smoking it next door with the neighbour's daughter - the 17 year old I posted about in a different thread awhile back. However he always insists he's going over there to hang out with her brother (11). Deep down inside I knew...I just flippin' knew! But I could never prove it. Now I can.
He doesn't know I know. Yet.
Now what the frick do I do? I'm so ... so...terrified...upset....angry...all of it! I dunno!!!
Do I talk to her Parents? Do I go to the cops? WTF do I do?????
GAh...I feel sick to my stomach...
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Old 09-03-2008, 03:44 AM
 
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Oh wow!

Not sure exactly what I'd do either, sorry. I guess try not to react in a way that will break the lines of communication between the two of you. Perhaps you could phone one of those drug crisis phone lines and ask for advice. They'd probably be up to date with all the latest best ways of handling situations like this.
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Old 09-03-2008, 03:51 AM
 
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I think you should talk to him about it, first.

Brianna, mom to my always naked and singing Faye (9/07) and my chubby baby Bronwen (10/10).
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:10 PM
 
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I think you should talk to him about it, first.
I don't have teens yet, but this is what I would do. I'd also consider not letting him go over there anymore. I personally don't have a problem with pot as long as it it used responsibly, but thirteen is awfully young for that.

Bethany, crunchy Christian mom to Destiny (11) Deanna (9), and Ethan (2)

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Old 09-03-2008, 05:41 PM
 
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Calling the hotline is an idea - your son does seem very young to be experimenting with pot.

Talking is good.

Then get ready to impose some serious consequences. He needs to know who's in charge and he may hate you for a while but you are his parent not his best friend.

Talk to your dh/dp about your son make a plan together to tackle this together and be on the same page.

Hugs mama, the teen years have been a pretty scary ride for me too.
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Old 09-03-2008, 05:52 PM
 
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I'd talk to the 13yo directly. Talk about why you're so against marijuana use- is it a safety issue? The fact that it's illegal? The fact that he's smoking ANYTHING? Lack of trust in the people because of their decision to use pot and share with a 13yo?

Many people are of the opinion that marijuana is perfectly safe- if you're not one of them, then you need to talk to your child about exactly why you have a problem with him using it. Not a vague "pot is bad, you're a bad kid for using it" but concrete reasons. Ideally you want your child to stop using pot because he shares your concerns.

If you're of the opinion that marijuana can be safe to use in certain circumstances but not others, then talk to the 17yo next door about your specific concerns, and decide for yourself if she's using it in a "safe way".

I don't see how you can "forbid him" from going next door without completely restricting his movement in a way that's unhealthy for a teenager.

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Old 09-03-2008, 06:12 PM
 
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When my ds came home stoned from the mall one day, I sent him to his room and told him we'd talk when he was straight. Which was the next day. I asked him where he got it, and when he told me I called up the boys mother and told her that if her son gave mine any more, I would call the cops on him. We had a pleasant chat and said goodbye. My son listened to the whole thing. I told him I'd do the same thing if it happened again, call whatever mother or father it happened to be. He was then able to use that as an excuse whenever he was offered pot.

That's pretty much all I did that time. When he was caught smoking cigarettes at the school, he had to shovel the driveway for the next 4 months every time it snowed.
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Old 09-03-2008, 09:07 PM
 
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Good one mama.
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Old 09-03-2008, 09:23 PM
 
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I second what all the others have said.
Talk to your DS and get the facts about the physiological effect of pot on the developing brain of an adolescent.
I think there's a book or website called Just Say Know.
I'd have a scary talk with that 17yo. She's a year (or less) away from contributing to the delinquency of a minor. How foolish of her.
Do her parents let her smoke pot in the house? Can you talk to them?
13 is so young for this. I would hold the promise of a call to the police if it happens again.
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Old 09-04-2008, 12:28 AM
 
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I would only have the cops get involved as an absolute last resort. You don't your kid's chances at college and other elements of the future to be derailed over a little pot. Really. There are so many alternatives. I would call a therapist specializing in teens and take it from there.
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Old 09-04-2008, 01:11 AM
 
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I remember what my folks did to my younger sister's stash. 4 fingers worth of good stuff. LOL
They let her search her room for it and then sat it on step-dad's desk until they had let her search frantically enough for it that they couldn't stop laughing. And then I think they chewed her out royally and flushed it.

That didn't stop her though. So I can't say this strategy works.

As far as restricting his movement, Um, my 13 y.o. would not leave the house except for school and church for quite some time if I found out they were smokning pot. They wouldn't like their movement restricted in juvenile detention either! if I had to take them with me everywhere I go or send them to live 30 miles from anywhere with their Grandfather who is retired and could sit with them. That's what I'd do.

What kind of terms are you on with the neighbors?
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Old 09-04-2008, 01:15 AM
 
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Talk to your son. I would not call the cops.

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Old 09-04-2008, 02:15 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I spoke with him. I told him how dissappointed I was. How I thought he would make smarter decisions. How we had spoken about all of this before and he knows the dangers of drugs. I told him if this is a decision he wants to make, he can make it when he's 18 and no sooner. I didn't yell. I did cry though .I couldn't help it. It was then he admitted ot drinking too. Both were his first time. I need to nip this in the bud NOW. He's the type of kid where if he gets into it ... it'll be all the way. I'm petrified.He's very naive and easy to manipulate and the older kids recognize that. Weve talked about it a million times. He doesn't see it that way. He sees it as 'making friends.' :GAH And the worst part is pot isn't the same it was years ago...THC content is up around the 20% mark now rather than the 4% it was. And most of the stuff confiscated at our local high school (80%) is usually laced with other stuff. He knows this!!!!!

I spoke to the girl's parents today and they didn't even bat an eyelash. They told her it was a bad reflection on them and not to do it anymore. And they told her on her cell phone. My son was with her at school when they called her. I was like WTF? HOW THE HECK DO I KEEP THESE TWO APART??? BTW...her parents are totally okay with her doing pot and drinking - usually she's doing it WITH THEM I found out.

So I think I'm going to go over there and speak to this girl directly and mention that if it happens again - I will call the police. She can be charged with possession and trafficking as well as supplying a minor.

I'm also having lunch with my RCMP Staff Sgt. friend tomorrow so I'll see if she can speak with him/her/both.

He's grounded for an entire month. He's lost all privileges, cell phone, ipod, computer time, phone time, visiting with friends and his bedroom door comes off tomorrow. If he can't be trusted, he loses all privacy. He is also also not allowed over there any more - that I hope to make permanent.
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Old 09-04-2008, 09:52 AM
 
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Sounds like you handled it really well.
Is your son involved in sports or theater or music?
I started smoking pot at his age and smoked almost daily for the next 11 years. Mostly I did it because there was nothing else I was in to and it was a sure way to find a group to connect with...mostly older teens.
There are so many things other than school sports that kids can get involved in now...rock climbing, martial arts.
Check out these programs that a friend of mine puts on for kids and teens.
http://www.firemountainprograms.com
They are amazing.
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Old 09-04-2008, 06:52 PM
 
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I'm sorry, but I gotta say I think you came down on him too hard. How are you going to prevent him from going over there? Or seeing his other friends? What do his other friends even have to do with it? And taking his bedroom door off?? I can't think of any situation where I would do that to my kid. My parents came down on me like that, so I would tie bedsheets together, go out my window, hitchhike into town and be gone all night before they even knew.
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:00 PM
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Doesn't she become her business when that other kid is giving her son drugs and it's obvious that her parents aren't going to step in and stop it? I think it's better to give a warning than to have to call the police next time without having said anything.

However, I probably would have just told the parents, "if your daughter gives my son drugs again, I'm calling the police," and would not talk with the girl directly.
I have a feeling that the neighbor girl isn't the only kid in town holding pot.
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:22 PM
 
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I have a feeling that the neighbor girl isn't the only kid in town holding pot.
No, but she's the one giving it to the OP's son, and as far as I can tell, this isn't about him seeking out drugs but about him smoking pot to be friends with her.

I do agree with bedhead that the punishment seems over the top, especially taking his bedroom door off.
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:27 PM
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No, but she's the one giving it to the OP's son, and as far as I can tell, this isn't about him seeking out drugs but about him smoking pot to be friends with her.

I do agree with bedhead that the punishment seems over the top, especially taking his bedroom door off.
yup, and it over the top to get her charged with trafficking because of it. Is she going to get every person who ever smokes pot around her kid charged with trafficking too?
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:46 PM
 
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yup, and it over the top to get her charged with trafficking because of it. Is she going to get every person who ever smokes pot around her kid charged with trafficking too?
If she called the police this time, I would agree. But she didn't. She talked with the parents and is going to let the girl know that if it happens again she'll call the police.

Sorry, but pot is illegal. The girl knows this. Her parents know this. If the girl isn't going to stop giving the OP's son pot, then that's her decision. If her parents aren't going to be more proactive that's their decision. And I don't see a reason the OP needs to protect them from their own decisions.
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Old 09-04-2008, 07:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
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yup, and it over the top to get her charged with trafficking because of it. Is she going to get every person who ever smokes pot around her kid charged with trafficking too?
I never said I would have her charged, I let her know she could be charged...I simply let my son know that. And he let her know that.

When he's 18 and out of our house, he can decide whether or not he wants to make the decision to smoke pot. But until then...it's a 0 tolerance policy around here. He is far too young to be able to make that decision himself. He's 13 and still a baby.

He is my son and I make the decisions regarding what's best for him...not them.

And your'e right, she's not the only one in town holding pot. But we live 20 km out of town. She's the only one around here (besides the guy that's been dealing for the last 30 years who lives at the end of the road.)

He's forbidden from going over there until further notice. And how can I stop him? I'm a SAHM...I'm here all the time. For the next month he's with me at all times - unless he's at school or work.
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Old 09-04-2008, 08:33 PM
 
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So if he says he's on his way over there and walks out the door, what will you do? And what's to stop him from doing what I did and just climbing out his window when you don't know?

I know these are your decisions to make, and I respect that. I am just preaching caution based on my own experience, both as a teen myself and as a mom of teens. Forbidding things and punishing harshly can result in rebellion, much more easily IME than being lenient.
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Old 09-04-2008, 09:27 PM
 
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There is always a fine line 'us' parents walk with punishing too harshly or not punishing enough and that's where our intuition and attachment to our kids come in. Making the op wrong for how she is parenting her child cannot be very helpful. She knows her son and his nature the best and if this is how she is dealing with it then I trust that mama knows best in this situation.

I love Barbara Colorasos book ( I spelled her name wrong . . ) "Kids Matter" and she talks about the brick wall parent, the jellyfish parent and the backbone parent. I think the names are pretty self explanetory. She also talks a lot about natural consequences. When there isn't a natural consequence or if it's illegal,immoral or unhealthy a parent has to step in and deliver the 'consequence'.

Parenting teens is hard and so complicated. I wish nothing but the best for you mama, good luck.
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Old 09-04-2008, 11:02 PM
 
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Oh geez. This situation is one of my worst nightmares. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

We have a zero tolerance policy around here as well. I know that lots of people have no problem with pot, but my ex-husband was one of those people who just couldn't smoke and still be "ok" kwim? He'd spend grocery money on it, etc.

Best of luck to you, mama. *hugs*

A happy woman
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Old 09-05-2008, 02:32 AM - Thread Starter
 
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So if he says he's on his way over there and walks out the door, what will you do? And what's to stop him from doing what I did and just climbing out his window when you don't know?....
If he chooses to make that choice and completely disregard what the rules are then he just has to remember (and he knows this): disregard what we would and the favour is returned. Which means: break the rules and he gets nothing: no rides into town, no spending money, nothing. Basically his revoked priviledges will remain revoked. Until he earns our respect and trust again, he gets SQUAT.

As for climbing out the window? I highly doubt that. His room is rightnextoours and everyting in this house squeaks. He would never be able to take the screen off and sneak out without us hearing. I'm an incredibly light sleeper. He'd get his ass busted. That and I get up twice a night to pee. I can see him on the way to the can.

A little off topic...but that reminds me of a story of a friend of mine who's daughter snuck out one night and took off to her boyfriend's. Right after a fresh snowfall. Yup. We just followed her footprints at 2 in the morning. LOL!
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Old 09-05-2008, 01:44 PM
 
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Doesn't she become her business when that other kid is giving her son drugs and it's obvious that her parents aren't going to step in and stop it?
I don't think so, no. I think threatening the kid with the cops is outside of the boundaries of what's acceptable in this situation.

Frankly, the poster has no idea where her son got the pot. For all we know, he supplied her.

To sum up, I'm not a fan of threatening kids with the cops--not if I had my own, and CERTAINLY not someone else's, particularly for something like pot.
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Old 09-05-2008, 01:46 PM
 
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No, but she's the one giving it to the OP's son, and as far as I can tell, this isn't about him seeking out drugs but about him smoking pot to be friends with her.
You have no idea whether that's true or not.
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Old 09-05-2008, 01:53 PM
 
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So if you took away all his priveliges, other friends, leisure activities etc... what else does he have to do but smoke pot and drink? I grew up in a rather depressed rural place, and that was why anyone who did those things did them... because they were bored. Kids need, if you'll forgive the cliche', an "anti-drug."
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Old 09-05-2008, 02:05 PM
 
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I'm not comfortable with a 13 and a 17 year old hanging out alone. I know the 11yr old MAY have been there, but maybe not.

A family friend is going through this same thing. Only it got worse. He's 12, she's 16. She's pregnant, and claims that this boy is the father. They want to press charges agains the 16 year old, but haven't yet. The girl wants to have and keep the baby, and wants the boy to be involved with the baby. He's terrified and wants nothing to do with a baby. (but, he knew having sex could make a baby)

The kids were smoking pot together, the boy's mom was O.K with this because the boy wasn't paying for it, and they were in the neighborhood, so it wasn't unsafe.
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Old 09-05-2008, 03:03 PM
 
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So if you took away all his priveliges, other friends, leisure activities etc... what else does he have to do but smoke pot and drink? I grew up in a rather depressed rural place, and that was why anyone who did those things did them... because they were bored. Kids need, if you'll forgive the cliche', an "anti-drug."
I agree with this. I grew up on military posts and this is why military kids were such big partiers. You live in the middle of nowhere, knowing no one. It's a sure way to fit in.
I would strive to provide a balance of consequence with a rich alternative to pot smoking. I've posted often about my deep belief in the role that sports, service & spiritual practice play in a teen's life. My teen is young (13) and we make sure we offer her meaningful experiences with the intent of her choosing not to do drugs. So far she's very candid and is clear she has no interest right now.
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Old 09-06-2008, 03:17 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Okay...he got the pot from the girl. It's her stash, her parents let her smoke it at their house. She smokes it with them. Frick...they buy it FOR HER!!! Her mother told me this directly. I also found out he was drinking as well. One beer, but drinking nonetheless.

He's grounded for one month. And FWIW, he's a good kid: A Honour Roll and involved in both basketball, soccer and until recently (our squadron was just shut down) Air Cadets. He's polite and actually a good kid - which is why we're nipping this in the 'bud' (HA!) right now before it goes any further.

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