16 year olds and curfews - Page 2 - Mothering Forums
1  2
Preteens and Teens > 16 year olds and curfews
UnschoolnMa's Avatar UnschoolnMa 11:45 PM 10-15-2008
My teens prefer to "party" at home so it's never been much of an issue. However, when they have been out with others/at other's homes etc we have discussed the potential risks (legal and otherwise) of drinking and etc. Talking makes so much difference!

terrordactyl's Avatar terrordactyl 01:27 AM 10-16-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jessy1019 View Post
My mom was the type you're rolling your eyes at -- as long as she knew where I was and when I would be home, she was fine. It worked beautifully. I knew how much freedom I had, and I didn't want to abuse it, so I was diligent about calling her if plans changed. She still laughs at the fact that I would call if I was going to be even 5 minutes late. Trust is a great thing, and I plan to give my children the same freedoms unless or until they abuse my trust. I hope they'll take after me!

Frankly, an arbitrary curfew doesn't make sense to me -- nor do most arbitrary things, I'll admit! What's the harm in allowing her to set her own hours, with the knowledge that she must call if plans change? She's practically an adult -- it's time to start treating her like one so that when she is legally free to do as she wishes, she has the experience and ability to do it!
that was my mom and me for the most part
MommaZtoBlessings's Avatar MommaZtoBlessings 11:59 AM 10-18-2008
Another family who doesn't do curfews here. Sorry!

My kids are very responsible. They keep their cell phones on at all times so that I can always be in contact with them (and I often call and text them all night). They know that I wait up for them, so they try to respect my time too. We do have a driving law here that says 16 year olds can't be out driving past 12:30. My oldest usually comes in between 12 and 12:30.

One night she DID break that cut-off. I told her my thoughts on that and told her how disappointing it would be to her if she lost her license two months shy of her 17th birthday (strict laws where we live). She was defensive to me, but I just let it rest and she's never been late since. She's not dumb. Maybe I expect that because she's almost an adult, she needs to use her head like an adult. I also expect that she'll make mistakes (like the driving past 12:30) but that she will learn from those mistakes.

Some of our best talks have come after these kids come home late. I'm so tired, but I love that my two teens will sit up for an hour after they are home and just spill their guts. They trust me to be honest and fair and I love these talks. I never take that for granted.

The underage drinking is another story for me though. That one makes me truly angry. You need to get her to understand that it's not just her she's affecting. What if she chooses to drive and kills a baby? A mom? Another teen? That will stay with her the rest of her life. That one I just can't condone. We have a strict, strict rule on that one here. If you decide to drink, then you need to be responsible and call for a ride or have a friend bring you home. If they drink and drive, their license is gone. Period. If they kill someone else, the guilt they will carry will crush them. They need to understand the gravity of the situation.

Sorry...off on my soapbox there.

Just keep talking to her. See what her thoughts are on things. Figure out a workable plan that you can both live with. Now is as good a time as any to begin working on this.
MusicianDad's Avatar MusicianDad 04:59 PM 10-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by MommaZtoBlessings View Post

The underage drinking is another story for me though. That one makes me truly angry. You need to get her to understand that it's not just her she's affecting. What if she chooses to drive and kills a baby? A mom? Another teen? That will stay with her the rest of her life. That one I just can't condone. We have a strict, strict rule on that one here. If you decide to drink, then you need to be responsible and call for a ride or have a friend bring you home. If they drink and drive, their license is gone. Period. If they kill someone else, the guilt they will carry will crush them. They need to understand the gravity of the situation.
Just wanted to point out the OP stated that she and dh are often the ride home. So there's no indication that there is drinking and driving going on. Just some moderate drinking, which is better then can be said for many adults.
mtiger's Avatar mtiger 05:48 PM 10-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Because we all know the only thing teenagers do when they go out at night is party.
Well... the first post stated that the child drinks at parties. So it's kind of a reasonable assumption that, should the cops show up at one of those parties - she's gonna get an MIP or MIC, even with her college IDs.
nextcommercial's Avatar nextcommercial 05:56 PM 10-18-2008
I just can't let my dd stay out past midnight. For one, I can't sleep, so I want her home so I can go to sleep.

But, my biggest fear comes from my friend's kids. We have lost several of our teens to anything from murder to reckless driving. All these teens were killed after midnight. So, it's a HUGE thing for me.

My 16 year old is fine with this (for now) We have been talking about it since the first teen funeral we had to go to.

Eventually, I will have to loosen up a little, but for now, it's working fine for us.
nextcommercial's Avatar nextcommercial 06:02 PM 10-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Buddhamom View Post
Wow. I am glad I am not in your shoes. My 16 yr old (17 next month) has no problem with her 11:00 curfew, doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs and in fact wouldn't hangout with anyone who does. Yes, she is popular, in sports and student govt. None of her friends do either. In fact as we speak she is down stairs with her boyfriend baking. Maybe it is because we live in a small town (1200) or better yet I probably just got lucky. Have you ever asked her why she drinks? As for curfew, you need to remember, you are the parent, not her friend. You know the consequences better than she does and you also are responsible for anything she does legally. Something you may want to keep in mind.
My kid is like that too. I live in a huge town.

I think it's just the kid. I would LOVE to think it's because I raised her so well, but in all honesty, I have no idea where she gets it. I drink, party, I was not a "good girl" in high school. I wasn't even a very good student. Her Dad was worse than I was.

In spite of all of that, she is a straight A student, in the marching band, in all honors classes, loves math and science. I never would have thought it was genentically possible. By all rights, she should be a total slacker.

So. I think I am just lucky. LOL

It still confuses me though. I Keep looking at her and wondering "Could she have been switched at birth?"
Dar's Avatar Dar 06:15 PM 10-18-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by mtiger View Post
Well... the first post stated that the child drinks at parties. So it's kind of a reasonable assumption that, should the cops show up at one of those parties - she's gonna get an MIP or MIC, even with her college IDs.
Well... actually, she said that her daughter had one or two wine coolers and was very social, but also that she was a really responsible kid. To me that doesn't mean she "drinks at parties", necessarily. I guess when I think of "parties" I picture the sorts of large gatherings I went to when I was younger, with loud music and lots of people and lots of alcohol, lasting well into the night. That's not what my kid is doing, anyway - I can't speak for the OP, but that's not the impression I got from her post.

Where we live, anyway, the cops really aren't interested in small-scale social events that are quiet and controlled, whether there are underage kids drinking or not. I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but generally the cops here have bigger problems on their minds.

The ID comment was related to the curfew bit, rather than the drinking...

Clearly, YMMV... I think the issue for me is more assuming that all teens need the same sorts of rules. Some kids may need a curfew but mine just doesn't, and it sounds to me like the OP's kid may not either.

Dar
UUMom's Avatar UUMom 11:59 PM 10-18-2008
While we don't have a formal curfew, we've discussed safety and respect and I've worried. I ask my kids to keep in touch with me/dad, and we need their cells phones to be on! (Well, not so much for my 19 yr old who is away at college. lol) . However, for the younger teens (who are not old enough to drive), I need to know where my they are , when they are coming home and how they are getting home. I do put my foot down if something sounds outrageous but my kids have always been ok with that.

My 14 & 16 yr olds are very close and look out for each other. That's comforting. My kids are more homebody & host. We tend to have friends over to our place, which is sanity for me.

I don't want them out at night, doing whatever, even though they have shown themselves to be very thougtful and safe. as I can't sleep well if they are out and about late.They understand and have always been great about calling us to come get them at a decent time. Pretty much, they have all come home early. They know they can have any friends they want over, so I think that helps.

I would absolutely not feel comfortable with my kids out very late, expecially if they don't have their own vehicle. I am pretty dead to the world after 11. I would not feel comfortable with them catching a ride with just anyone. If getting home safely at a late hour was an issue, I would absolutely be talking to my child about my emotional limits on that.
UnschoolnMa's Avatar UnschoolnMa 05:49 PM 10-19-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar View Post

Where we live, anyway, the cops really aren't interested in small-scale social events that are quiet and controlled, whether there are underage kids drinking or not. I mean, I'm sure there are some exceptions, but generally the cops here have bigger problems on their minds.
That's accurate for our area as well. If a gathering gets obnoxiously loud or huge fights break out then the MIP issue could pop up, and my kids know that. But mostly it's a so whatter.


Quote:
Clearly, YMMV... I think the issue for me is more assuming that all teens need the same sorts of rules. Some kids may need a curfew but mine just doesn't, and it sounds to me like the OP's kid may not either.
ITA
cmhotzler's Avatar cmhotzler 06:32 AM 10-30-2008
Im just wondering...you mentioned the other people (guys? who live downstairs?) are 21 yrs. old- will make sure she gets home safely. My thought is why would a couple of 21 yr. old guys be hangin out with a 16 or 17 yr. old kid? Doesn't sound very good to me. A 16-17 yr.old kid should not be hanging out with a 21 yr. old. Period. To much of a difference in age and life experiences. But perhaps I am reading it wrong? Just wondering...
UnschoolnMa's Avatar UnschoolnMa 02:36 PM 10-30-2008
I can see the concern in the age gap, but I don't think that should necesarily prohibit the friendship. As a kid and teen I had many older friends that I really valued, and still do actually. I would definitely address any concerns though.
Dar's Avatar Dar 02:57 PM 10-30-2008
Well, they're our neighbors, and we're all friends. They had Rain and I down for dinner the other day... and we regularly send them baked goods, because most recipes make too much for two people. One of them is a grad student at the same university where I'm a grad student, so we end up walking to school together once a week or so.

We've always had friends of all ages - maybe because Rain has never been in traditional school - so for us it doesn't seem odd. There's nothing romantic going on at all... if these were some random 21 year olds and I didn't them, I might be more concerned, but they're not, and I'm totallh comfortable with them.

Dar
MusicianDad's Avatar MusicianDad 07:45 PM 10-30-2008
Why does a 16 - 17 year old have to stay with 16 - 17 year old friends anyway? And just because the guys are 21 doesn't mean they are after something either.
1littlebit's Avatar 1littlebit 08:35 PM 10-30-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
Why does a 16 - 17 year old have to stay with 16 - 17 year old friends anyway? And just because the guys are 21 doesn't mean they are after something either.
i agree. I'm 21 and I have friends who are younger and friends who are older. we have tons of things in common our age just doesn't happen to be one of them. When i was in HS, obviously my friends were all closer to my age. Now I have friends who live near us, friends i meet at work or volunteering, friends i meet from b/c we both have kids etc. I think most people are used to kids being the same age as their friends b/c of school.

As far as curfew goes i never actually had one. i was wild and out of control for the first 2 yrs of hs and trustworthy and responsible for the second two. the first two yrs i had a best friend who was TROUBLE and i thought she was the coolest person in the world (k-8 in a school with 25 ppl per grade i was a little sheltered) so yeah i did some stupid stuff but it was in no way related to curfew... you can do stupid crap anytime of the day not only between midnight and 6 am.

After she got kicked out of school i wised up and went back to hanging out with my best friend from elementary school and the rest of our group of friends i hung out with before i got close to the other girl. Literally from that point on everything was great. my relationship with my parents was great, i was happier, i was honest and responsible. some nights i came home at 9 sometimes i didn't come home at all but i always called my parents to let them know. they knew my friends so they knew who i was with.. but even if they didn't since they trusted me and my judgement they wouldn't have worried about it. yeah we drank but we always drank at someone's house and our parents always knew. we either spent the night or had a parent or someone who could pass a breathalyzer pick us up.

my very longwinded point is that curfew doesn't have a heck of a lot do with anything. it is an arbitrary time that someone picks for you to show up in your door step. Are your kids sneaking out getting loaded, having random unprotected sex, and holding up the gas station now? if not then why on earth would they start? I understand the fear of other nutball drivers and such but honestly i don't think a lot of kids are driving all over creation at 3am. I imagine most are either at someones house or walking to the park or the 7/11.Common sense and good judgement doesn't leave with the light. You know your kids if they aren't doing it now they aren't going to start as soon as the clock strikes 12.
soygurl's Avatar soygurl 03:24 AM 11-02-2008
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dar View Post
Some teens are very responsible. It sounds like you weren't... but some are. I think teens in general get a bad rap, and a lot of the generalizations out there about teens are unfairly negative, and sometimes it's useful to take a step back and look at your actual kid, rather than the societal representation of teens. If there are reasons why your particular kid needs a curfew, then clearly you should have one, but I think it's something parents should look critically at... just as we looked critically at societal assumptions and made different choices when our kids were little and didn't have a crib because they coslept or were "still nursing" or weren't being put in time out...

Dar
ITA!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnschoolnMa View Post
Wow really? I had so many good times after midnight as a young person and I still do. Being at the park with friends, sitting on the swings and picnic tables or just the grass BSing. Or walking to the store to get nachos and soda. Playing hide and seek in the field. I wouldn't trade any of that for anything. :
:

I'm another one who didn't have a curfew as a teen. My parents and I had the normal "call us at any hour if you ever need a safe ride"/"no drinking and driving"/"let us know your plans" talks, and I followed them. There was an experiment where I had a curfew for a while (after not having one for nearly a year), and it was NOT successful. Plans often changed for me and my friends in the middle of the night when it was too late to call my parents and tell them what was going on. Much fighting ensued with me and my parents. Finally we went back to the old system, and everyone was happy (and I was still safe).
My two best friends and I often spent the night at each other's houses, but THEY both had curfews and we would often sneak out (and in) when staying there. Their curfews didn't stop our all night adventures (most of which never involved drinking, drugs, or sex), it just encouraged lying and deceit.
ElizabethHua@gmail's Avatar ElizabethHua@gmail 12:02 AM 11-09-2008
1.Im not a mother & 2. i signed up because i figured you wouldnt get the answers you would like to hear from your kids when you ask them about this kind of stuff or even try to negotiate with them.

Im a teen & i've practicly been through all the stuff that has been posted on here.

PS. i signed up so you can get a feel of what your child feels about all this & how there really thinking. that way you can get a peace of mind & both will be satisfied.

OK first off to answer KARENAB, Teenagers it can be from 11-19 what ever it is. Our hormones rage, so in our heads we make it a to do list & if we cant accomplish it, we feel like dirt? aha true it is.

From drinks, sex, influence, drugs, gangs, violence. most things teens get caught in because there the best targets. old enough to know better but young enough to try it. thats where all the problems start at home. When your kids ask you if they can extend there curfue or drink, wear this wear that, thats a sign that your kids still is above the influence, But there liking what there seeing but also freaked out cause the'll get stuck. thats the best time to talk to them about it.

If that doesnt work & they sneek out. run away. still manage to argue & fight & you know they drink smoke. whatever it is...

(hey i noticed that people arnt really reading this bulitin anymore..so if theres mothers out there that would want me to finish, TELL ME)

writing this was harder than i thought
smillerhouse's Avatar smillerhouse 07:10 PM 11-10-2008
Elizabeth, I would love to hear the rest of your share. I am a mom to a 15.5 yea rold girl who is running away a lot. She is hanging with a crowd that likes to party. I am very concerned about her. She had no run for 8 days and then last night she ran and foudn out she attended an indie show. She has my permisson to do lots of stuff: she went to a big Panic at the Disco show Saturdy night, goes to movies, youth group. She is involved in sports and music. I want to support her to do heatlhy advanturees vs. drinking, smoking cigs and styaing out all night with 18-19 year olds. She goes to therapy but until the drinking ceases it really willnot do much for her. She attned AA 3 times last week but refused to go Fridy, Sat., Sunday and the stabilizing she did last week will be undonw by her wekend binge.Sallie
1  2

Up