When your dd is say 16-17, she got pregnant, boyfriend left her, what would you do? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 08:34 AM - Thread Starter
 
samy23's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,428
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?

Mom    wash.gif  bikenew.gifgeek.gifdishes.gif

samy23 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
#2 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 12:11 PM
 
chiromamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 772
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?
chiromamma is offline  
#3 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 12:19 PM
 
PassionateWriter's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 3,662
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiromamma View Post
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?
yeh...i dont see any other choice. i have an 18 yo but i also have a 2 yo and a newborn. I think if my ds/dd were considering adoption, i may adopt the baby. i dont know..it would be so hard b/c right now im maxed out energy wise i think...but my own grandchild?? i dont think i could see it being raised by another family (though i understand and would support anyone who made that decision).

i agree, though...explore ALL options...including me raising the baby for awhile if need be...or simply helping him/her raise teh baby.

teenage pregancy is hard but certainly not the worst thing ever. alot of good can come of it.
PassionateWriter is offline  
#4 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 12:42 PM
 
mpchez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 146
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
yeah that

Quote:
Originally Posted by chiromamma View Post
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?
mpchez is offline  
#5 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 06:23 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
when my dd was 16 she got pregnant.
her bf did not leave her - he stuck around but who is to say that was for the best?
when she decided to keep the baby I supported her, when she decided that she couldn't do it and wanted to have an abortion, I supported her (this happened on mothers day) when her boyfriends mom convinced her son (and consequently my dd) to keep the baby, I supported her.

what can you do but stand behind you daughter in probably the most challenging time of he life. she had a very wonderful pregnancy, she poured everything she had into it. I don't think she had any idea how hard it was going to be to be a parent.. it has been very hard for her and continues to be. and even though boyfriend is now gone she is still working very hard to be the best mom she can (some days lol)

she lost a big piece her her childhood and growing up (not just from this but also some drug abuse earlier in her teen years) I love my gs to pieces but I sure wish dd could have had some more growing up time before being locked into her now mom role. she is 19 now and feeling quite stuck.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
#6 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 08:21 PM
 
MusicianDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Tuponia
Posts: 8,928
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by chiromamma View Post
I would help her to explore all her options...termination, adoption, raising the baby. I'd love and support her in any decision she made...what else would a mother do?
:

That's pretty much it. I really don't understand the mind set behind the other option. With help though, she can be a great mom.

malesling.GIFMutant Papa to DD (12)hippie.gif and DS (2)babyf.gif, married to DHribbonrainbow.gif
If it looks like I'm trying to pick a fight... I'm not, I'm rarely that obvious.hammer.gif
MusicianDad is offline  
#7 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 08:31 PM
 
zinemama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: from the fire roads to the interstate
Posts: 6,298
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would want her to get an abortion, for sure.

However, I would keep that opinion to myself and, as chiromamma said, help her explore all her options and support her choice, whatever it was.
zinemama is offline  
#8 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 09:29 PM
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,773
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
What would I do? I would be right there with her to help her through whatever she decided to do about it. I would explain the options to her and let her take it from there. If she decided to keep the baby, I would help her raise it if she wanted me to.

I would secretly be thrilled though. It's been a while since I had a baby in the house
BedHead is offline  
#9 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 09:29 PM
 
KaraBoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Alb-uh-kirk-ee
Posts: 4,481
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I've seen this very situation in my family and in DH's and it's difficult, to say the least.

I would, as zinemama said, wish for her to get an abortion but I would NEVER pressure her. I would support her decisions and well, we'd have to do a lot of talking about what that support would look like...financial, babysitting, etc.
KaraBoo is offline  
#10 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 09:38 PM
 
bmcneal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: in my own little world
Posts: 2,047
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would support her in whatever she chose to do, but I would try and steer her away from abortion.

sleeping.gifMama to DD dust.gif(12.2005), DS1 sleepytime.gif (01.2009), DS2 babyboy.gif (04.28.2013) with DH heartbeat.gif04.10.13!!heartbeat.gif namaste.gif

bmcneal is offline  
#11 of 96 Old 11-06-2008, 10:17 PM
A&A
 
A&A's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 16,186
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 8 Post(s)
Give her lots of :

"Our task is not to see the future, but to enable it."
A&A is offline  
#12 of 96 Old 11-07-2008, 12:21 PM
 
Pancakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Clearwaterish, FL
Posts: 782
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would secretly hope she would abort, but I would never tell her that. I know how insecure I felt and how difficult it was to be a mother at 24, I couldn't imagine what life would be like if I had started a family at 16. I would ensure she was educated on all options and that any of them would be ok to choose. I would also support her in whatever decision she made.
Pancakes is offline  
#13 of 96 Old 11-07-2008, 12:37 PM
 
nextcommercial's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 4,449
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
At 16 or 17, I would let her make the choice and I would stand behind her.

I have always taught my dd that if she gets pregnant as a teen, that she can pretty much assume the boy is NOT going to be there in a few years, so she had better be ready to do it alone (without the boy)

Boys can leave, girls have to make the choice.

I would let them live here as long as they needed to (within reason) and I would help them as long as she was either in school or working full time. I wouldn't allow them to stay here if I was fully supporting her with no future career or so much as a report card to show for it.
nextcommercial is offline  
#14 of 96 Old 11-07-2008, 12:45 PM
 
yogachick79's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: a very bad place
Posts: 1,523
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I was pregnant with my first child at 17, DDs father left as soon as he found out I was pregnant and has never been involved. I was a senior in HS and raised in a very religious house so abortion was something I never even considered. It devistated my parents, and in a "tough love" move the made me move out of the house in to my own apartment (but helped with rent) and I got a job. I dropped out of my 2nd half of my senior year to get a full time job and support myself and DD. I won't lie, it was hard as hell at times. I hated my parents for it at first, and people that I tell my story to often have a very negative reaction.

The thing is, they still supported me, just not in their house. They helped watch her while I went on interviews, they came over and stayed with me at times and I still slept at their house. But it was a drastic move to make me grow up and become accountable quickly. And it worked.

I have no doubt that the right things were done (at least for me as a person) because I became a mature, self functioning, adult. I got my GED, I started attending college at night and while I had my teenage setbacks still, things were good. As a result of all of this, I am at a MUCH better place than a lot of my HS peers who partied through college, dropped out and still don't know what they are doing with their lives.

So honestly, I don't have much advice besides support her how you feel its best, and love her unconditionally. But I wanted to share my story to provide a positive turn out to what is often a really hard situation.

Proud mama to DD#1 (11) DS (4) and DD#2 ( 2 )
yogachick79 is offline  
#15 of 96 Old 11-08-2008, 09:42 PM
 
1littlebit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,775
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i would do the same thing my parents did for me. support me whole heartedly and keep my opinions to myself. about 2 weeks after my 20th bday i told my dad (on fathers day im a moron) that i was pg. my parents were loving and supportive. they never told me what to do. they supported me when i wanted to keep ds and had no interest in exploring any other option.

they supported me when dp moved in with me and my best friend. they supported me when me and dp stayed with them a few weeks before i was due and then a few weeks after ds was born. they supported me when i stopped taking more then one college class at a time to be a SAHM. they support every choice i make with ds even if they don't understand it. they support me everyday and tell me all the time they are proud of my and what a great mother I am.

i hope that if that ever happens to one of my children i will be able to do the same for them.
1littlebit is offline  
#16 of 96 Old 11-09-2008, 09:40 PM
 
MissRubyandKen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 1,605
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would definitely hug her and hold her tight and first and foremost listen to her when and if she needed me too. I would never present abortion or adoption to her as an option. I would be heartbroken if someone said those words to me when I told them I was pregnant, no matter the situation and I couldn't picture myself uttering them to another. At 16-17 my daughters will already know of these options and if they wanted to make the choice to do either I would support them no matter what my personal feelings as it wouldn't be my choice, but theirs. I would be there for them all the way no matter. Appointments, money, any need for counseling or outside help I would help to establish it. I would offer to adopt the child first if she was considering adoption. I would let them know that I would support them emotionally and financially throughout the pregnancy, birth, and motherhood as needed, just as I would do anyway no matter their age. I would help care for the child as much as my current situation permitted. I homeschool right now, but don't know what they will be doing for education at 16-17, possibly still homeschooling, possibly public, possibly taking some college courses already. Whatever the situation was I would find a way to support their education or support them if they decided to suspend it until later. I would help them get a GED if that was the decision.

As far as the father, I would hope that he would want to be involved with the child. I would either pursue child support or ask that the father give up his rights to the child. If he did not want to be part of the child's life or support the child he shouldn't have any rights.

blogging.jpg

MissRubyandKen is offline  
#17 of 96 Old 11-10-2008, 11:44 AM
 
mamahart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: in the woods on the ocean
Posts: 508
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would tuck my daughter in my arms and ask what she wanted and needed. I would be available for whatever she chose including living with me and having the baby at home. Honestly I would be most concerned about prenatal health and would prefer her close by, if she wanted to leave that would be the hardest thing for me.
mamahart is offline  
#18 of 96 Old 11-10-2008, 04:41 PM
 
mommy68's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 6,167
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
I would be there for her and make sure she has all the knowledge she needs in order to make the best decisions for herself and her unborn child. I would gladly welcome a grandbaby, gladly. I would never judge her for her actions or be down on her. I'd just be the mother that I know she would need.

__________________________________
46-year-old single (divorced), self-employed working, home schooling, part-time college student mommy to:

19 yr old
12 yr old
5 yr old
mommy68 is offline  
#19 of 96 Old 11-10-2008, 06:54 PM
 
smillerhouse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 245
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dd is 15.5. We are going to dr. Thursday for birthcontrol. Sallie
smillerhouse is offline  
#20 of 96 Old 11-11-2008, 03:07 AM
 
QueenBean84's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 26
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would rant and rave and then rant and rave some more. LOL

Then I would sit down with her and discuss all of her options and help her choose what she felt was the best way to go.

Of course, if she decided to have the child, I would help her raise it.
QueenBean84 is offline  
#21 of 96 Old 11-12-2008, 10:22 PM
 
MarineWife's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: on the edge
Posts: 11,391
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamahart View Post
I would tuck my daughter in my arms and ask what she wanted and needed. I would be available for whatever she chose including living with me and having the baby at home. Honestly I would be most concerned about prenatal health and would prefer her close by, if she wanted to leave that would be the hardest thing for me.
:

I would hope she wouldn't want to have an abortion and I may try to steer her away from that but I would not judge her or be angry if she chose that. If she wanted to give the baby up for adoption, I would want to adopt him/her. If she wanted to keep the baby, I'd do everything I could to help her be the best mom she could be.

I had my first exactly 2 weeks before my 21st birthday (I know, quite a bit older than 16-17). My bf left me for someone else when I was about 6 months pregnant. My parents encouraged me to have an abortion but I just couldn't go through with it. I have regretted getting pregnant when I was young and single and didn't have a stable life but I have never regretted having my ds.

knit.gifSAHM to 3 boys and 1 man; 22 jammin.gif, 9REPlaySkateboard04HL.gif, 5 FIREdevil.gifand now 1 year oldtoddler.gif!

MarineWife is offline  
#22 of 96 Old 11-13-2008, 03:07 AM
 
Mama Dragon's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Apparently on MDC
Posts: 10,555
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As crappy as my dad is (just search my posts ), when I got pg at 15 and the guy I was with (who I married when DD was 6m and had another child with) was useless, he didn't kick me out, got me all the baby stuff I needed, encouraged breastfeeding and cloth diapering and just made being a mom easier, even though I did ALL the work, and still cooked and cleaned and all that. I had to put up with some crude comments and some bull )$@# but over all it was a positive experience.

My mom just cried. She let me down in a major way at least 3 times prior to that so I just rolled my eyes and let it slide off my shoulders. She was totally unsupportive. And wonders why I haven't spoken to her in the past 6 years.

Amy ~ Web Designing Single Mom to 4: DD14, DS12, DS5, DS3
Mama Dragon is offline  
#23 of 96 Old 11-13-2008, 03:17 PM
 
panamama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: dreaming of sleep
Posts: 237
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MarineWife View Post
I have regretted getting pregnant when I was young and single and didn't have a stable life but I have never regretted having my ds.
:

i was 15 when i had to tell my mother i was pregnant. she didn't take it well AT ALL and our relationship was severly damaged as a direct result of the way she treated me during my pregnancy. (it's repaired, now, thankfully.) i was expecting and ready to accept a bad reaction. but her 'reaction' lasted for 24 months and led me to finally move out when DS was 1 (and i was 16). it was ROUGH, to put it mildly, and i could've used a mama's love/guidance/shoulder/etc those years while DS and i grew up together. but...we (all) made it so i guess it's okay now.

as for what i'd do? well, i don't have a daughter, but i'd still have a very hard time if DS (16) came telling me he's gotten some girl pregnant. honestly, i would try not to, but very likely have a FIT as my initial reaction. probably some awful combination of blubbering, crying, yelling, anger & disappointment*. : i think more than anything b/c DS and i have talked about teen preganancy, sex, etc so often and so openly, i'd just be totally shocked and dismayed that he'd made choices that got him and a young woman in that situation. (i know, i know...things happen. but still.) once i got myself togther/calmed down, we'd talk about it and i'd support him in supporting her/their decision. him leaving or being unsupportive of the young woman would NOT be an option.

semi-crunchy mama to 1 unschooly, sometimes unruly, but mostly sweet and cool DS (17)
student reiki practitioner and aspiring /
panamama is offline  
#24 of 96 Old 11-13-2008, 05:57 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by samy23 View Post
What would you do if this situation presented itself in the future? What would you expect/want your dd to do, how would you help her, etc?
I am curious, why do you ask?

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
#25 of 96 Old 11-13-2008, 06:57 PM
 
warriorprincess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Peoples Repub. of Treacle Mine Rd
Posts: 1,605
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would support her in anything but abortion.
warriorprincess is offline  
#26 of 96 Old 11-15-2008, 04:40 AM
 
KMK_Mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Arizona
Posts: 2,232
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 1 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bmcneal View Post
I would support her in whatever she chose to do, but I would try and steer her away from abortion.
Me too. I would hope she would choose to keep the baby.

: Robyn : Increasingly crunchy Mama to Kya (8) , Makena (7) , and Keegan (4) :
KMK_Mama is offline  
#27 of 96 Old 11-15-2008, 01:12 PM
 
earthie_mama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I would do the same thing I would if she were my best friend- and more. I don't have a daughter yet, and my sons are too young to even try to conceptualize them as grown, sexual beings.... my oldest is 3 1/2.... but I would help her in every way I could, and be a loving, involved grandma.

School shouldn't be an issue, since my children will either be unschooled, or attend the charter school I want to start. So either way, she would have no problem finishing school, and could bring the baby. I would be able to help her with childcare while she attended college and/or worked, and ideally she would just build a small house on my property. Or if she didn't want to keep the baby, then I would support her too. If she wanted an abortion I would teach her gentle techniques (starting with simply asking the baby to leave) I would support her in every way possible, and help her to have a peaceful pregnancy and birth, ideally.

If my sons were responsible for a pregnancy at that age, I would support the mother, if her family was unsupportive, and treat her as my own child. I also would not stand for my son not supporting his baby. (at the very least) If he decided to anyway though, I would not try to force him, if his supportive is not coming from a positive source, then she's better getting it from positive ones, I'd offer her that alternative.
earthie_mama is offline  
#28 of 96 Old 11-15-2008, 02:23 PM
 
1littlebit's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 3,775
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.
1littlebit is offline  
#29 of 96 Old 11-15-2008, 03:11 PM
 
Pancakes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Clearwaterish, FL
Posts: 782
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by warriorprincess View Post
I would support her in anything but abortion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by KMK_Mama View Post
Me too. I would hope she would choose to keep the baby.

Can I ask what you would do if she did choose to abort?
Pancakes is offline  
#30 of 96 Old 11-17-2008, 04:05 PM
 
Cherie2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,642
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
i was just thinking about this.. and if i were going to give my baby up for adoption i would never let a family member adopt. my parents were great parents.. actually everyone in my family is but i absolutely could not give my child to a family member to be raised. i think it would kill me. if my child wanted to do this when she got pg (fictional dd since i have a boy lol) i think i would be hesitant to do it. if she wanted to give her child to me to adopt i would think it is because she does not actually want to let go of her child. I would make sure that she knew i did not have to adopt the baby to help her with him and see what she thought after that.
I thought a lot about this too ... as it is I am a co-parent for my grandson, I support them financially and take physical care of him much of the time I am not working. If my dd had wanted me to adopt him I am not sure what I would have done. How painful would it be to watch somebody else be "mommy" to your child?

I try to take as much time with him as I can so that she does not feel overwhelmed and can be a calm loving parent.

Mom to DD born 1989 DS born 1993 and grandma to
DGS born 2005
Cherie2 is offline  
Reply

User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off