I'm not connected to this pregnancy :( - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 11:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Sorry I haven't been around much. I have been reading, just not posting. Don't have the energy. I feel fine physically for the most part. This pregnancy has been much harder physically and for only 3 weeks (I know I'm luckY) it was really awful. But things are much better.
However, I dont feel emotionally or spiritually connected to this pregnancy. I don't know why and I'm a little worried. With my son it's all I thought about for 40 weeks. A moment didn't go by that I didn't connect with the baby in my body and think about the birth and life with baby. This time I don't seem to care much. I'm not particularly interested in taking the BEST care I can. I sort of just feel like ignoring it. What is going on?? I'm really excited for the baby. I'm ready for #2. I'm positive it's a girl and I think thats great. But just right now I don't feel emotionally involved. almost like men are with pregnancies. LIke how they don't really get it usually until the baby is actually here. This is so wierd for me. Anyone have any advice? I am getting a massage and some Reiki today to try to get reconnected...

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#2 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 11:45 AM
 
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Hugs! I don't think what you're feeling is all that uncommon for a second pg. My midwife told me when I got pg with my twins (my second pg) that she spends a lot more time with moms with their 2nd pgs than any other pg, for some of the very reasons you are talking about.

With my first, I read a daily "how baby is growing" segment in a book and online, I was aware of every little flutter, ect. With the twins, well, not that way. I was too busy with odd, partly, and also I had all the worries of what new babies would do to my odd emtionally (I kind of felt like I was cheating on her, lol!) Also, I think their is something about being aware of the attachment you have for your babe who is already out of the womb, whose little personality you know so much bettter now that the little sould inside.

I was very worried about my lack of connection and excitement with my second pg. And I assure you, I am happily bonded to them now and adore them as much as their older sister.

Let yourself feel whatever your feeling and try not to beat yourself up over it. You will love this babe, too, and be connected and bonded, etc. In fact, you already do/are but are just more pre-occupied with other things is my guess. Hope I made at least a little bit of sense.
























'

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#3 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 12:06 PM
 
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Not in your ddc, but... It's VERY common with 2nd pg. All of my friends and I use to complain about it. I think one of the reasons is b/c you're so busy with the first. This one was the worst though. (It's #3) I felt so disconnected from it, that I was sure it was not alive inside of me. It was a horrible feeling. Even after the u/s at 13 wks., (I felt like I was watching someone else's u/s), I still thought I was going to lose the baby. It only now is starting to feel "real" and I'm starting to get that excited feeling (You know,, when you think about the little froggie legs, big belly, little heiney )! You'll see, it'll get better!

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#4 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 01:45 PM
 
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Here's my experience:

With my first pregnancy, I felt very connected to the baby. I read every single thing I could on fetal development, I talked to the baby, I played music for the baby, I sang to the baby... but when he was born, he was like a little stanger. I love him instantly, of course, but I had to learn who he was. There was not an instant connection there.

With my second pregnancy, I was just too darn busy to really be that 'into' my pregnancy. I rarely talked to my belly or played music for the baby like I did with my son. I was excited to have the baby, of course, but I truly thought I'd that never be able to love another baby as much as I loved my son, and that made me feel badly for the new baby. However, when my daughter was born, I truly and honestly felt like I had known her for my whole entire life. She latched on pefectly at a few minutes old, I could soothe her and calm her like no one else could. I really feel like we had met before. It was an awesome feeling, and not one I expected to have given my pregnancy experience with her.

I've had 5 miscarriages since my daughter was born, and I'm now 14 weeks along. I'm finding myself to be too scared to get bonded to this baby. I have constant fears of losing the baby, despite already having 3 ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeat on the doppler. We just want this baby so badly, and I really think it will kill me if something goes wrong. My heart is definently guarded this time, and I worry about how attatched I'll be to the baby when s/he gets here. But I guess only time will tell.

DS:15 DD:12 DS:7 DS:5
Surrogate baby born: 9/17/12
Surrogate baby due: 12/14/14
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#5 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 01:57 PM
 
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Hello. I don't have any advice or any experience with a second pregnancy; I just wanted to say hello, and to urge you not to worry too much. Just because you're not thinking of it 24/7 at this early stage doesn't mean you aren't taking adequate care or that you won't be bonded. I like the advice to let yourself feel what you feel, observe it, and not beat yourself up over it. I'm glad you're scheduling some time to connect with your body. I hope it helps you.

It's my first pregnancy, and I'm definitely excited, but there are days when I have a lot to do and I don't get to do yoga or attend to my body and spirit in the way I fantasize. Sometimes I go the whole afternoon doing my work and then I think, oh yeah, I forgot, pregnant! The realities of life and work mean that I can't become as absorbed at all times as I might fantasize about becoming, but I try to do a little meditating and reconnecting each day. I'm just doing the best I can at each moment given all the different realities of my daily life.
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#6 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 02:37 PM
 
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This is really interesting.

I felt that way about my second pregnancy too. It felt like I was making a baby just to get a sibling for my daughter. Maybe it's a blessing, in this way, that that pregnancy was short-lived. This time I'm able to hope for a baby for the baby's own sake.
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#7 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 04:46 PM
 
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I am right there with ya, mama! In fact, I was just getting ready to blog about it. LOL!

Seriously, I think it's just a second pregnancy thing. With my first, I was freaking OBSESSED with being pregnant, with getting ready for The Baby, shopping for The Baby, planning for The Baby . . . well, you know how it is. I could have written your post word for word. I do not feel at all connected to this one and if I weren't so stinkin' sick, I would actually forget I am pregnant. To be very, very honest . . . and gosh, I feel horrible saying this . . . sometimes I just think about how inconvenient being pregnant is! I never, ever felt that way with #1. I gloried in pregnancy and the miracle it is. I ate, slept, and breathed pregnancy. Now I just feel way too tired and distracted with parenting a two year old to be "into it" at all. I am just trusting the words of women who have gone before me that this is a natural part of adding to the family.

EricaE - thank you for sharing your story. I found it very encouraging!

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#8 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 06:58 PM
 
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I'm in a very similar boat. This is my 3rd, the only one that wasn't planned, my ds is only 14 months and has been so difficult lately between teething and an ear infection (at least it is his first one ever). I don't feel well. I'm still nursing and my ds is up at least 3 times per night.

I posted a similar thread some weeks ago, so I hear you.

~Tracy

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#9 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 06:59 PM
 
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I just remembered what my mw told me when I told her I wasn't connected. She said not to worry about it, that the baby had all it needed and was bonding to ME everyday.

That was comforting.

~Tracy

Rockin' mama to Allison (9), Asher (5) and Alethea (3), head over heels in love with my sexy husband, Tony.

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#10 of 13 Old 03-09-2007, 09:49 PM
 
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Jamie! Hang in there...it'll get better. I like what Wugmama's mw said...So true. Let us know how the massage and reiki went.
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#11 of 13 Old 03-10-2007, 07:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all so much for the encouragment and support. I really appreciate it and knew i could count on the ladies here for some love! I did get my massage and REiki session and felt a million times better. I don't think I'm totally connected now but I briefly felt I was. I think I've decided multiple things are going on. First of all Daceysmomma: you are so right about feeling like pregnancy is inconvenient this time around. Yet last time i also glorified it. My fav. part is giving birth anyways. I LOVE to give birth, so that's sort of like all I care about, then just having the actual baby. So I guess I feel like I could go without this 40 week crap..lol. But it's here, and it's how I get to the best part, (birth and baby) and I have to take care of myself well in order for both of those to go/be well. So I think I just have to SUCK IT UP! That is what my mw told me anyways. (she's also my best friend and knows that I know better in the sense that no matter how I am feeling I need to eat well at the very least). So for the sake of this lovely being growing inside of me, whether I feel like I know her and talk to her and love her now everyday or not, I have realized I still have to eat well, drink water and start my yoga back. Even if I don't really feel like it!
Thanks again ladies. I'll keep you posted. Now lets see if I can respond to some of y'alls concerns!
Jamie

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#12 of 13 Old 03-11-2007, 09:11 PM
 
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I fell the exact same way!!! Sometimes I don't even feel like reading here (in the DDC, not MDC - lol) because I feel like I should be more excited, but I'm not. I am so happy we are having another baby, we really wanted one, and yet, some how, it is just not exciting in the same way that the 1st one was. I gave away all my birth books (completly mainsteam don't want to read them anyways) and have not been able to get the ones that I want. I am dying to try and read Adventures in Tandem Nursing and just found out it will likely be another month . . .

My DH does not even want to talk about possible names till we know the gender (last time it was a big ordeal). Uggg.

Go Green I don't vax either, why mess with perfect?
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#13 of 13 Old 03-12-2007, 12:04 PM
 
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You know how when you spend time with someone, you just end up growing closer to them? Well, every night for a couple of minutes (hey I'm tired) and every morning when I wake up for a long while, I lay in bed and feel her kick. I imagine all of the cute baby things... that gets me excited and makes this whole thing more real for me.

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