Am I being unreasonable? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 12:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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DH and I are having a bit of a disagreement over naming the new baby. Apparently DH wants to name the baby after a great aunt of his (whom I've never met) if it's a girl. He is willing to make it a middle name, but he won't budge on using it. The name is also my mom's middle name, and one of his mother's middle names, so it would have a lot of family meaning. BUT I just don't love it.

Then there's a first name that I just love, that DH doesn't really like. So I suggested letting me give the baby her first name, and he gets to pick the middle name. DH said he has veto power, but got mad when I said then I should have veto power as well.

Now of course we don't even know if this babe is a boy or girl yet, and we have almost no options for a boy name (at least none that I like.) So right now this is all just hypothetical anyway. But am I being unreasonable wanting to have naming rights over our child??

Mama to two crazy boys (8/05 & 9/07) and happy wife to one wonderful hubby.
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#2 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 12:37 PM
 
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This is really a tough one. I don't think you should have total naming rights, however I do think your veto power should work just as his does. Good luck mama! (And maybe it's a boy!)

Susan~Mama to Atticus (2003), Creeley (2005), Townsyn (2007) and a fourth boy on the way in 2011!
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#3 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 12:48 PM
 
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We too have veto power but via discussion not outright no. Often when we learn the others reason for a no it makes sense to both of us. I don't want to use a name dh hates not would he want to use a name I can't stand.

Maybe he can pick a name for one gender and you for the other? What happened last time?

Names like that tend to stick around on our list for a while. Leaving it on the list doesn't hurt, might make him feel like you are considering it and you never know it might grow on you.

All this from a woman whose husband has picked out names to which my only objection is that I feel like I am mumbling when I say them. Why won't he let go of those names?????

You don’t owe them an explanation, just a response.
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#4 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 12:54 PM
 
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Can you just use the first initial of the name rather then the name itself or does it have to be the name?

Kathy-Mom to Blake & Mikaela
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#5 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 02:46 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We too have veto power but via discussion not outright no. Often when we learn the others reason for a no it makes sense to both of us. I don't want to use a name dh hates not would he want to use a name I can't stand.

Maybe he can pick a name for one gender and you for the other? What happened last time?

Names like that tend to stick around on our list for a while. Leaving it on the list doesn't hurt, might make him feel like you are considering it and you never know it might grow on you.

All this from a woman whose husband has picked out names to which my only objection is that I feel like I am mumbling when I say them. Why won't he let go of those names?????
Yah my favorite name's been on my list for a looong time and it's not growing on DH. Unfortunately his only reason for not liking it is that he just doesn't like it. Of course that's my reason for not liking his name too.

He has suggested using a variation on the name, but then he insists on having it as a first name. Arg.

Last time DH won. I suggested DS's name before we got pg, and then while pg I decided I didn't like it. DH wouldn't let it go and so DS has the name he has. I still don't love it, but it's his name now and I wouldn't change it.

In truth I'm probably at least in part harboring some resentment about DS's name. Plus I'm freaking hormonal!! I've been SOOO b!tchy about everything and I think this is just one more thing to add to the list of things that are p!ssing me off lately.

Mama to two crazy boys (8/05 & 9/07) and happy wife to one wonderful hubby.
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#6 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 03:07 PM
 
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My DH and I made a deal...If the kid gets his last name (I didn't change mine when we got married), then we both have to agree on the first name and I get free reign over the middle name. Right now, I'm pretty much planning on my last name being the middle name, boy or girl.

We'll see if we can stick to it...

Mama to Otto (9/07) and expecting Greta (EDD 6/13)  familybed2.giffemalesling.GIFnocirc.giflactivist.gif

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#7 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 03:26 PM
 
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I don't think you are being unreasonable. We both have veto power. It ends up being a real struggle to find a name that we both agree upon but ultimately it is worth it. We both love our kids' names and we both came up with them together.
Wendi
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#8 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 04:07 PM
 
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In our marriage, on anything important, we both have veto power. Period. BUT we don't abuse it at all. "I'm going to veto him, because he vetoed me, nya nya" We also talk about why. We go through a lot to name our children. I like long, classic, traditional, 102 year old little old ladies and men in nursing home names, he likes hippie, short names. We both like the idea of family names. We have incorporated a second middle name that is usually a family name. We try to want what our spouse does, because we love them so much, but sometimes there are mental and emotional attachments (negative) to names that we can't get past. I'll share our names and explain some and see if that helps any. (BTW if anyone has name suggestions, they would be gladly accepted, we haven't found anything that thrills either of us for this baby. We need both boy and girl names. You can PM them to me so I don't hijack the thread.)

Katherine Elizabeth Sophronia- Katherine is my ggmothers name, Elizabeth is my sister's middle name, but I just like it, Sophronia is another gggma. I wanted to name her this as a first name, but I wasn't sure of the schoolyard teasing),

Christian William Dudley- Christian is my fraternity big brother's name from college, but I just like it, William is my dad and grandpa and every male on both sides of my family going back to the 1600's names, but DH said that as a first name with our last name it sounded like Elmer Fudd talking (try saying William Waggoner 3 times fast and you'll see his point) He's right, but I was disapointed, Dudley is DH's dad and grandpa's middle name.

Johannah Rose Tamilin-Johannah Rose we just liked, DH's sister who dies when she was 6 and he was 8 was named Tami Lin.

Nicholas Frank Joseph-Nicholas we just liked, Frank Jospeph is DHs other grandpa's name who he lived with for a short while and who was a huge life influence on him. My ggpa (Katherine's DH) was named Frank. I liked it for a first name, DH didn't.

Genevieve Malissa Grace-Genevieve is my gggAunt (Sophronia's sister), Malissa is DH's ggma, Grace just went well with it.

We tend to put less loved, but emotionally important names in a middle name spot. DH's favorite girl name is Autumn. I absolutely HATE it, but if this baby is a girl, she may just have Autumn as a middle name as she will be born in September, so its not too stupid, and I know how much DH loves that name. (Sorry in advance if that is anyone's favorite name!) DH has vetoed pretty much all of my names I had picked out for my children since I was a little girl and I have vetoed a ton of his names. We shoot for a name we both love not just like or can put up with. It takes a lot of work to get to that point, but it is well worth the struggle. FWIW, we also have a few names for boy or girl and don't make the final choice (although we generally have a favorite by that point) until after we meet the baby.

My suggestion is that you make the family name that DH loves (what is it? I'm dying to know!) the baby's middle name if its a girl and find a name you both love as the first name. (Even if it means giving up your favorite name for now, maybe the next baby it can be a middle name.) I'd also gently suggest to DH that since you are using that name that he wants for a middle name that would like a bit more give and take in finding the first name that you both love. FWIW, Its just my suggestion, take it or leave it.

My sister has an interesting naming theory, she says you should yell their full name out your back door and see how it sounds.

Katie, mama to Katherine 21, Christian 19, Johannah 17, Nicholas 12, Genevieve 10, Matthew 7, Andrew 11/16/09 10#6oz home waterbirth and madly in love with my husband, Scott
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#9 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 04:21 PM
 
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I don't think you are being unreasonable. We both have veto power. It ends up being a real struggle to find a name that we both agree upon but ultimately it is worth it. We both love our kids' names and we both came up with them together.
Wendi
This sounds like us too. IMO it's pretty important to end up with a name that both partners will at least be content with. Dh and I pretty much despised all the names on each others lists, lol. Eventually he remembered the author Djuna Barnes and how much he had liked that name. When he suggested it to me I loved it too, and that's how dd got her name. But the whole process took months - like 9 of them, lol.

Kate, mom to 7 year old Djuna and 4 yr old Alden. Missing our good friend Hal the cat who died June 2, 2010

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#10 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 04:32 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My suggestion is that you make the family name that DH loves (what is it? I'm dying to know!) the baby's middle name if its a girl and find a name you both love as the first name. (Even if it means giving up your favorite name for now, maybe the next baby it can be a middle name.) I'd also gently suggest to DH that since you are using that name that he wants for a middle name that would like a bit more give and take in finding the first name that you both love. FWIW, Its just my suggestion, take it or leave it.
DH's name choice is Marie, mine is Willow. So it'd be Willow Marie (and DH's last name, which the baby will have, starts with a W.) DH and I talked a bit more and he said Willow is growing on him, but he's not sure it goes with Marie. Soooo he's willing to bend, and I am too, I just wanted equal veto power and it didn't sound like DH was willing to give me that when we talked earlier.

Mama to two crazy boys (8/05 & 9/07) and happy wife to one wonderful hubby.
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#11 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 09:34 PM
 
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Last time DH won. I suggested DS's name before we got pg, and then while pg I decided I didn't like it. DH wouldn't let it go and so DS has the name he has. I still don't love it, but it's his name now and I wouldn't change it.
Something similar happened with our second child and I bring it up often enough that it gives a bit of extra leverage. :

We had settled on a name, then about 30 weeks we switched, then I switched back just before giving birth at 34 weeks but we hadn't discussed it. Then while we were in the hospital he ran around town to all the different offices getting her certificates and the consular report of birth so we could get her passport and visas. (We were living overseas.) He was trying to be helpful but he used the wrong name! I love it and it fits her but it wasn't what I wanted at the time.

Good luck on naming this little one! I really like Willow. Tell him about the thread in TAO about really common middle names (Anne, Lynn, Marie) if it will help.

You don’t owe them an explanation, just a response.
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#12 of 13 Old 04-09-2007, 09:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamas2atti View Post
This is really a tough one. I don't think you should have total naming rights, however I do think your veto power should work just as his does. Good luck mama! (And maybe it's a boy!)

:
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#13 of 13 Old 04-10-2007, 01:09 AM
 
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In our marriage, on anything important, we both have veto power. Period. BUT we don't abuse it at all.
Yep, that's how it works around here, too (at least we TRY not to abuse it...) And it made naming DS really hard. I'd had my heart set on a particular boy's name since I was a kid, and DH just plain didn't like it. Boy, did I try to change his mind, but no luck.

We tell people we were married for 10 years before having kids because it took us that long to agree on a boy's name.

We're all set if it's a girl this time around, but if it's a boy, he may be nameless for a few months (we have friends who took a month post-birth to name their child, so we'll be in good company!)
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