Homebith vent re: in-laws - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-17-2007, 11:13 AM - Thread Starter
 
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OK, now that we are close to my due date my in-laws have gone on a tirade with my DH regarding our decision to have a homebirth. 1) we are lucky enough that our in-laws live nowhere near us 2) I told DH not to tell his parents as they are really old school and totally entrenched in the medical model for care. 3) Now that we are close to my due date they are calling him on a daily basis threatening to pretty much disown him if we have a home birth.

He has told them this is our decision and that they just have to respect that but now he is wavering and saying he wants to lie and tell them we changed our minds. I have told him I won't lie to them but I also won't call them either. I'm really annoyed that they feel they can bully us. His parents constantly tell us what to do and this is just not what I need at this point in pregnancy.

Sorry to vent. I know there must be other mommas out there with a similar situation.
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Old 08-17-2007, 11:49 AM
 
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No words of wisdom, but that is just crap.

You don't need that kind of stress.

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Old 08-17-2007, 12:28 PM
 
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ewww! i'm sorry!

why did he tell them??

yuck! i hope they back off.
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Old 08-17-2007, 12:48 PM
 
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Uuuughhhh in laws!! I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. I wouldn’t lie about my choices either. Maybe you can just let the answering machine get the phone when they call?

Sorry I don’t have much more advice other then don’t talk to them until the baby is born
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Old 08-17-2007, 12:54 PM
 
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I'm sorry mama..

My sister got a lot of crap for HBing her 2nd.. Actually she told everyone she was having a HB w/ a midwife, but I was too smart, and I figured she was UCing..

He was fine.. And she had a peaceful birth...

The glory of this, is yes they live far away, and you can turn off the phone. Maybe dh can tip them off in a different direction, so god forbid they don't do anything stupid if they don't hear from you and they realize you are in labor..

If I was in your shoes, I'd have my dh call them while I was in labor, and say something like "oh we're out to dinner right now"..

Even though they have absolutely nothing to say, I would hate for them to call someone to check on you, or think they'll call the police or something.. But maybe this is just my paranoia talking, as my family is crazy enough to do something stupid..
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Old 08-17-2007, 12:57 PM
 
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Now that we are close to my due date they are calling him on a daily basis threatening to pretty much disown him if we have a home birth.
That makes sense. They are so concerned and care so much for you, your family, and this baby, that they would cut off contact with you if you don't honor their wishes for YOUR birth?! :

I posted in Aug DDC about my mom and how she's concerned. I have told her that I have educated myself and am not just making a rash decision, that she can either have faith in me or keep quiet. I know that its frustrating, but I can commiserate on some level.
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:08 PM
 
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Ugh!
It is good to vent so please do!

My folks would be the same exact way, we decided not to tell them for that very reason.
But if they did find out ahead of time, I was prepared to give them my reasons, offer to send them the research I had done and tell them they could respect my wishes or I would not be able to talk to them until after the birth... because what I need right now is support... it's what every pregnant couple needs, esp. from their family.

s !
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:29 PM
 
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My in laws would probably do the same thing to us if we were having a homebirth. Well.. my MIL anyway. My FIL is laid back about everything.

That said, I didn't even say much to my MIL about having this baby at a freestanding birth center because I know that she would not be too cool about that. I've kept all details vague. It stinks that we even have to do that but the stress is not worth it. In-laws are so much fun! :

Mama to 5 busy bees (12, 9, 7, 3, 2) and expecting #6 June/2014

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Old 08-17-2007, 01:38 PM
 
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Beyond the obvious option of lying to them (which I see you don't want to do) ... I wish I had an answer!

My DH just told his parents last weekend. (He had to, they have to watch our dog while we're out of town.) They are not the type to threaten us, but his mother is the type to be completely annoying and controlling and smothering and ... well, it's disgusting. She keeps calling me and coming over here (without knocking, of course) to tell me how "worried" she is because I will be "so far away" and "all alone while pregnant" (I have to travel 4 hours to wait for baby to arrive, at which time I will call DH and he will drive to join me and MW in the already-underway labour). And what if I "need help?" And "What if something goes wrong?"

I can handle the questions about homebirth - I have oh-so-many facts to back me up. But MY GAWD, I am not three years old. All alone? For a whole ten freaking days? In the middle of a town? I am entirely capable of living by myself, taking care of myself, traveling for weeks-on-end by myself, making my own decisions. Unlike what she has taught her children, who are 26 and 31 and two of the most sheltered people I've ever met.

Anyway. I absolutely feel your IL pain, mama! Even though it's of a different sort. I wish for your sake DH hadn't told them. But that's in the past; now we all need to help you figure out what you can do now!
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Old 08-17-2007, 01:48 PM
 
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It doesn't sound like my MIL is as extreme as yours. When I first mentioned (accidentally) about the homebirth, she said "Oh, how lovely." She and all of her siblings were born at home. I was ecstatic because even though my parents think I'm nuts, they're not AGAINST it, but it was nice to have support. Then a month ago, she totally flipped against it, said even though she was born at home, that her mother had a DOCTOR, not a midwife and that when she, herself, was having her second child, she would have died if she hadn't been in the hospital.

Not only that, she had figured out which hospitals I can go to and which ones I am likely to die at. I rarely stand up to MIL, but after about 15 minutes of this, I said "listen, I hear that you have concerns, but we've made our decisions and I don't need negativity right now, I need support." We stopped talking about it and now we just avoid the subject. Not sure what caused this flip in her attitude but now the most she says is to try to convince me to have the baby blessed at her church. Not my cup of tea.

Anyway, I know I hijacked with my story, but it seems like if they're threatening to disown over a homebirth, they must not care that much about contact with their grandchild....It is all about control with some people...
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:02 PM
 
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What a nightmare! That is the last thing you need. I hope that you can get some peace from them and just birth your baby. It's good they live far away.
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Old 08-17-2007, 02:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Everyone- thank you so much for the support and kind words. It really is so frustrating but I appreciate that I'm not the only one who's parents or in-laws feel the world will end if baby isn't birthed at a hospital. I have already make it perfectly clear to people that if there is some problem that comes up prior to the birth, that would be better handled in a hospital - then sign me up, otherwise let me try at home where I'm more comfortable and have the expertise of midwives to support me.
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Old 08-17-2007, 03:15 PM
 
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That is frustrating.

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Old 08-17-2007, 04:05 PM
 
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T... I have told her that I have educated myself and am not just making a rash decision, that she can either have faith in me or keep quiet. I know that its frustrating, but I can commiserate on some level.
This is what I did too and also sent along a huge email stating our reasons why and a ton of research behind it. I also said if they were completely comfortable with the idea to not come until after the babe is born.

They emailed me back and said we won and they would support us 100%.

That. never. happens.
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Old 08-17-2007, 04:42 PM
 
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I think that since you specifically told your dh not to tell them, b/c you knew it would turn out like this, then he should be left to deal with it. If it was my dh's mistake I would tell him to tell them whatever he wanted at this point, b/c I don't care. But don't talk to me any further about it. I don't care what your mom thinks or says about it and it's only causing me stress I don't need. It's your parent's your fault your problem. And if he wants to lie about it, then that's his decision. I have had to learn to let my dh handle some things completely (which normally I'm too controlling to do). But i'd rather not deal with the stress.
I'm sorry you are going thru this. Last time we didn't tell anyone in dh's family the entire time just to avoid this sort of thing. My Mil is annoying too, so I totally understand. But I am also being very honest with you when I say, don't allow yourself to deal with any unnesecarry stress. It's just not worth it!

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Old 08-17-2007, 06:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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takebirthback- thanks so much. I agree with you- I just need to let DH deal with the stress of this. My in-laws freak if we don't run out for antibiotics for DD after a cold of 3-4 days so imagine their horror here. I'm done with it though. They can think whatever they like at this point, I just need to focus on nesting.
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