Join Date: May 2006
Location: In a state of confusion
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I have been in a similar situation with my dh, though fortunately it was before dd was born. He has held down work more consistently since she was born than ever before, and now has a stable job that promises a future.
With my dh, though, it was not depression alone, but a combo of depression and ADD. We went through years of psychiatrists telling him the two don't mix or that ADD is not present in adults, before he finally got someone to listen and allow him to try ADD meds. He has now found a psychiatrist who is an expert in adult ADD and has kept to a medication schedule for a couple of years, and the results have been amazing. It did take some time once we found the right meds for him to change, as a lot of behaviors were actually poor habits encouraged by the combined diseases. And some are things I know I will always have to live with. But we certainly had days/weeks/months before that when he would not get out of bed or look for work, and even now I make more than he does, as he is starting his third career since we married. (which I think was part of the problem, in that he was in careers that interested him, but were not a good fit with the disease he must live with.)
I would encourage you, if you can, to get your husband to a good psychiatrist, if you are not doing this already. Therapy alone will not help him, and he may still not be on the right meds or the right combo of meds. A good psychiatrist will be able to tell you if there is anything else going on besides depression that can be treated.
The one good piece of advice your in-laws gave you was to not take it personally. I know it is hard, but this truly has nothing to do with you. It took me years to come to the place where I could just let dh have his space during one of his "episodes." That said, if one continues for more than a day or two, I definitely do NOT leave him alone! I make sure he is on his meds, and that he has what support he needs to continue to function. For his part, he has gotten better at communicating to me what is causing the meltdown and what, if anything, I can do for him. If he were to become uncommunicative, or if I EVER heard him mention suicide, you can bet a call to 911 would be my response. I don't think you were immature or hormonal at all for doing that. It really is something you have to take seriously.
As for your child care issues, I would encourage you to go ahead and apply for child care. Please try to understand that with depression, it is not a matter of willpower but an actual physical inability to get out of bed. I have seen my husband there, and I have been there, and it is hard to understand from the outside, but all the pep talks and begging in the world really will not change it. Again, the right meds, the right doctors, can do wonders.
I also wanted to mention that if and when you have the resources, you might want to investigate energy healing. It helped me a ton with ppd and ptsd after dd was born, and I think it was helpful to dh as well. It is not a substitute for meds, but can help lift some of the negative energy that gets stored in our psyches and that we carry with us from month to month/year to year.
All the best to you, mama. I truly hope and pray things get better for you soon.
Wife to Thomas, WAH mama to Sofia Rose 8/04, Ellen Marie 10/07, her twin sister Amalie Joy lost 7/07 , and Maya Grace and Hannah Miriam 4/10