my frienemy long rant - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 11 Old 11-19-2007, 08:07 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My frienemy left today. (my dh named her that from the Elen show a friend who's an enemy.) Thank goodness! I need to write this to help me process the audacity of my former best friend we’ll call x. I’ll try to keep this short.


It started last weekend when she told me she had to be harsh with me when telling me that I had to use the pacifier on my 2 ½ week old son, along with let him sleep on his tummy, and that I needed to start pumping and bottle-feeding.

I replied that I wasn’t going to put a pacifier in his mouth yet, that he liked sleeping on his side so I wasn’t going to introduce tummy sleeping and that I was enjoying my maternity leave and breast feeding so I wasn’t going to supplement. She told me that I needed to talk to breastfeeding moms and not listen to my midwife and doula.:

I just want to mention that I have NOTHING against tummy sleeping I just don't want my son doing it if he'll sleep on his side.

But what she said started to eat at me, being that she was going to come visit me on Tuesday for a week. So I called her Tuesday morning and even though she had just gotten into a fight with her DH I told her DH and I would be making the parenting decisions. I told her I only was telling her this now because I thought it would be disrespectful to wait till she flew here. I hung up thinking everything was ok.

She called back 30 minutes later telling me that she decided she wasn’t coming. That she was hurt because she would never tell anyone how to parent his or her child. :So I quelled her fears told her she was my bf and I hadn’t seen her in 2 ½ years and she needed a break from DH. We agreed that if she were coming on to strong I would say, “I need a latte."

She was with me till Friday midday. Everyday she berated me about the above mention things and that I needed to put him in the swing. :She said I was running myself ragged. On Wednesday I started telling her something about breast feeding and she started with “ You should be careful what you say to people” She went on for 5 minutes until I said “x you could have stopped after the first sentence I got the point." Later that night she was helping my DH put a wedge in our bed. Bryce has been having gi issues. She told him “ you know this would work better if he was on his tummy.” To which he replied, “that’s not going to happen.” Go DH!!! She also asked me for the pacifier to which I said no.

Thursday we went out for a pedi and mani. She was upset that I wouldn’t leave Bryce with DH. I had promised DH he could play wow and it would have been close to feeding. While we were there she started the pacifier thing again. I told her twice that I needed a latte. She said fine but we’d talk about it later. GGGGRRRRRRRRR!!

To try to be fair Friday morning she was AWESOME! She also paid for everything the entire trip, including lots of presents for Bryce. I didn’t mind this and to be honest encouraged it. Maybe she felt entitled b/c of this even though as Dh said it was her mom’s card.


She stayed with another friend Friday night, was suppose to be back Saturday afternoon and leave Tuesday midday. Saturday midday she called and said she had to go home deal with her DH (basically kick him out but tell him she wanted to go to counseling) Her parents were switching her flight. Mind you they were staying with DH, I felt so bad for him. She’s 35. She mentioned that she changed her flight and was leaving Monday at 7 am and that she might try to find someone else to take her to the airport since it was so early I’d have to leave the house with Bryce by 5:45. She decided to spend another night with her friend and said she’d call in the morning.

Sunday morning she called and talked to my DH she told him that we were the kind of friends who could fight with each other and then be fine. When he told me this I said, “ That’s not a friendship” I instantly knew who my real friends were. When I called her she told me she worked it out with DH and they were going to get help.

After we hung up I called her right back and left her a message saying “x I forgot to ask and I wanted to give you enough notice, I’m wondering if you might be able to find someone else to take you to the airport”

I left for church and when I saw my friend y I thanked her for being such a good friend she said “your welcome. X said she was REALLY mad a you. My dh is taking her to the airport” Btw she thought I knew this. I thought “What the heck??" I knew it was about the airport. Excuse moi she changed the flight from midday to wee hours of morning knowing I had an infant.

But anyhoo I called her, tried to smooth things out. I think our friendship would have been salvageable at this point. But alas she launched into me again this time attacking me saying all the same stuff and among other things that I shouldn’t listen to my sis, midwife doula and those people on MDC. She also said everyone felt the same way she did but didn’t have the guts to say it. Oh yeah and that I had changed since I was pregnant that she didn’t know who I was anymore and that sometimes she didn’t like me.

I knew she wouldn’t listen so I didn’t say anything back; I just wanted it to end… I later drove to pick her up she had stuff here. Dh took her to another friend’s house. She stayed there till after I went to sleep and I woke up early to say goodbye. She repeatedly told me we worked everything out. Even though I know she talked about me behind my back the entire time.

I was glad to see her go could be content never speaking to her again a sad way to end a 9 year friendship, don't you think?.
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#2 of 11 Old 11-19-2007, 08:48 PM
 
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#3 of 11 Old 11-19-2007, 10:06 PM
 
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it is sad but sometimes people grow apart, even friends.

Since having children I don't see my bf. I'm not even sure that I can call her my bf as we no longer confide or see each other regularly. We haven't argued, it has been life that has altered our priorities especially since I have had children.

The hardest thing for some people is to recognise that we all change as we experience life and grow older. We don't necessarily change in the same way. After that the next thing it to realise that we don't have to keep things the way that they have always been.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to keep it friendly, let go and remember the good times.

She may calm down and be more respectful in the future ... you could always hope.
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#4 of 11 Old 11-19-2007, 10:17 PM
 
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Sounds like she may be jelous of your strong relationship with your hubby and your new family while hers may be falling apart. Is it possible?

(((HUGS))) I have a SIL exactly like her to the "t".

Sheal
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#5 of 11 Old 11-19-2007, 10:28 PM
 
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I'm sorry, I'm not in you ddc, but it's rough when friends grow apart, but I am "one of those people on MDC"! Am I right when I assume that your freinemy doesn't have children? That would irk me to know end getting advice from someone who doesn't have children, even if she does.... it's still annoying. I think it's just time to go your separate ways... you know what's best for your family and maybe in time she will get it.

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#6 of 11 Old 11-20-2007, 01:21 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Sheal View Post
Sounds like she may be jelous of your strong relationship with your hubby and your new family while hers may be falling apart. Is it possible?

(((HUGS))) I have a SIL exactly like her to the "t".

Sheal
:

It is sad to see a long friendship go down the crapper, at least you're not clinging to it simply because you've been friends for a long time (I know a lot of people like that, they'll stay friends with people they don't like just because they were friends in college and feel obligated to remain friends.)
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#7 of 11 Old 11-20-2007, 03:10 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Am I right when I assume that your freinemy doesn't have children? .
Unfortunatly, she has two girls one 11 months the other 5 years
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#8 of 11 Old 11-20-2007, 03:38 AM
 
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I was thinking maybe she didn't have kids either but I guess that's not the case. Unfortunately before I had kids I told my best friend that she needed to spank her daughter! YIKES! :'m lucky that she looked over me but I know it hurt her feelings. She was an excellent parent and I parent a lot like she used to. We have grown apart though. Once I started having children her children were old enough so she can go out now that I can't.
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#9 of 11 Old 11-20-2007, 03:43 AM
 
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Very sad for you and her kids. YIkes she left her 11 month old that long very sad.

:CLC,Doula :Mama to 2
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#10 of 11 Old 11-20-2007, 07:44 AM
 
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[QUOTE=cherubess;9780457]it is sad but sometimes people grow apart, even friends.

The hardest thing for some people is to recognise that we all change as we experience life and grow older. We don't necessarily change in the same way. After that the next thing it to realise that we don't have to keep things the way that they have always been.

QUOTE]

What wise words.

Candy, I've been in your situation before. It hurts. But I think Ange is right... it's important to know that friendships change and can't always be maintained in the same way. I try to be thankful for what the friendship was and then allow life to move us in the direction we're supposed head in.

Suz, mommy to 2 chess-playing, lightsaber-wielding boys

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#11 of 11 Old 11-21-2007, 05:51 AM
 
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maybe if another 2 and a half years go by w/o seeing each other, she'll grow up enough to see how completely disrespectful she had been. That's what it comes down to, respect. If she respected you, she would not be telling you what to do all the time and disregarding your wishes. That could be why her own dh has problems with her, because respect is a HUGE thing for guys and it wouldn't surprise me if she treats him like a moron who needs to be taught/nagged/reprimanded, too. Pray for her that God will open her eyes to the logs inside of them, it's all you can really do! as my dh says, "You can't teach a fool, don't even try...."
you're doing just wonderfully mama!
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