So yesterday I went to see the MW and she was kinda perplexed by the fact that I have been having such strong contractions for a whole week and haven't made any progress since then. I'm still 1-2 cm. I'm not in any hurry to have this baby, but on three separate occasions the contractions have been so strong and so regular that we were sure it was it and started to get things going, only to have the contractions slow down or stop altogether. We're not talking BH here--I have had contractions so bad that I couldn't move and couldn't speak or breathe. They were definitely the real deal.
At my appt. my MW said that it's not fair for anyone to expect me to work so hard for months and months to keep this baby in until full-term--I've done it all with the herbs and the self-hypnosis and everything--and then turn it all around in the span of a week. She thinks there may be a mental/emotional reason that my body tries to go into labor and then it stops.
After the appt. I just started crying and couldn't stop. I cried all afternoon yesterday and all morning today. I am so scared of the changes to come. I feel like I'm mourning the loss of the relationship I have with my DD, I feel like I'm leaving her, I am terrified of not being able to love this second baby or give her the attention and complete devotion I have been able to give to my DD, I had horrific PPD with her and don't know if I will be able to go through another long year like that again, and most of all I just feel like I won't possibly be able to open my heart enough to love this new baby like I love my DD. I keep feeling like everything I do with my DD might be our last time together as just the two of us, and it makes me cry! This might be the last time we play outside, the last time I put her down for a nap, etc. It's so melodramatic!
I know, I know--it will all work out, I will be able to love them both equally, I will not be able to imagine our family without this new person, blah, blah, blah. Hearing that really doesn't help. On an intellectual level, I know that it will be OK. Maybe I just need to process all this before my mind and body will let me release this baby.
Has anyone else gone through this? Either the fears about baby #2 or the general emotional meltdown? Does this mean anything about labor? Is there some hormonal shift that happens just before labor or something? Or is this just my mind and body's way of forcing me to deal with this now instead of after the baby is born?
Thanks for reading.