Dads--your thoughts on changing toddler girl in men's room.... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 19 Old 08-25-2010, 12:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well the title pretty much says it all. My apologies for crashing your thread, but I'm trying to get men's perspectives on this. My Huz is adamant that he should not take DD (18 mos.) into the men's room for a diaper change (in places like Target, Cabelas, airports) even when there is a changing table there. So he waits (as long as it takes!) for the family restroom or changes her in the car.

Huz has no problem being naked around her at home, so I don't think he's worried about her "seeing" anything in the restroom. I guess he might be worried that weirdos would look at her while he's changing her? I guess the situation is manageable right now, but when she starts to learn to potty outside of the home we might be in trouble.

What do you guys do? Obviously I don't go into the men's room so I don't know what goes on in there....

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#2 of 19 Old 08-26-2010, 02:07 AM
 
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I have a 19 month old daughter and I have no problem taking her into the men's room to change her.

Have you asked him why exactly he is uncomfortable with this? I know I felt a little uncomforable at first, but that didn't have anything to do with her being female. I am willing to hazzard a guess that he is less uncomforable about her, and more uncomfortable with the reaction from other men, as certain types of men could make really awkward comments.

I am sure at some point I will no longer feel comfortable doing this myself, but that is at least a year down the road from my current standpoint.
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#3 of 19 Old 08-26-2010, 02:13 AM
 
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Im a mom so I have no experience inside the mens room but I have a question..

Is the changing area out in the open or is it off to the side? Or is the changing table inside the handicapped stall (sometimes this happens in the ladies room too)

Is your DH ok with some set ups and not others, or are all mens rooms off limits?

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#4 of 19 Old 08-26-2010, 02:50 AM
 
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Normally they are out in the open, though they are sometimes in the handicapped stall.
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#5 of 19 Old 08-26-2010, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is your DH ok with some set ups and not others, or are all mens rooms off limits?
He doesn't want her in the men's room at all.

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#6 of 19 Old 08-26-2010, 11:23 PM
 
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I have no problem with it at all.
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#7 of 19 Old 08-30-2010, 10:57 PM
 
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I have no problem with it at all either. Although my DD hates being changed on a change table so I do not do it too often.

Men barely register each other or look at each other in the men's room. I really doubt any men would be checking out your DD. For me, I hope that men can witness me being active in taking care of my child.
I think I will be OK with DD in the men's room until she is 5 or 6. Then I may start to get uncomfortable that she may see something she doesn't need to see.

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#8 of 19 Old 08-31-2010, 02:14 AM
 
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While I can understand the general idea of being uncomfortable with DD in the men's room, for me it has been "function over form" since DD was a baby: I can't go into a different bathroom in most places, since few places have a separate family restroom. When DD was still in diapers, I used the men's rooms where they had changing tables, otherwise I used the front seat of the car if nowhere else was convenient.

Now that DD is 4, when I take her to the bathroom I take her to a stall & help her balance on the larger toilet (after making sure it's clean enough), & helping her get clean & dressed afterward, doing as much as we can manage in the stall, & washing hands when necessary, not spending too much time in the common area where urinals are often opposite the sinks.

In some places like malls or specific restaurants, I've seen signs posted that specify that kids over 5 or 6 must use the restroom of their own gender, at which point mom will get to chaperone the bathroom trips where there aren't family restrooms.

I'd be curious to know what his concerns are, but personally, I mostly see bathrooms as a place where we as a family need to be comfortable using the facilities, or go elsewhere, when possible.

Best of luck finding a balance.
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#9 of 19 Old 09-02-2010, 04:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your responses. We talked more about it and he said (more eloquently that I'm putting it here) that he doesn't want some weirdo getting off on it and seeking out a child to victimize.

I'm not sure where he's getting that, but we sort of agreed to disagree on it, and he'll just have to figure it out when they're out alone.

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#10 of 19 Old 09-05-2010, 02:11 PM
 
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erm, sorry to be blunt, but i think your DH needs to get over it. my partner changes our daughter in the mens washroom all the time, because he's a parent, his kid needs to be changed, and parents take responsibility for their children's needs. he could change her on his lap, on the floor or in the car if he preferred, but if we're out together and it's his "turn" or they're out together, he needs to make it happen somewhere. the miniscule (and really, kind of ridiculous) possibility that some random guy might be able to catch a peek of her genitals and get off on it does not outweigh his responsibility to take care of her needs. i hope it doesn't end up with you shouldering all her pottying needs while you're out together, cause that doesn't seem fair.
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#11 of 19 Old 09-05-2010, 02:15 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justKate View Post
Well the title pretty much says it all. My apologies for crashing your thread, but I'm trying to get men's perspectives on this. My Huz is adamant that he should not take DD (18 mos.) into the men's room for a diaper change (in places like Target, Cabelas, airports) even when there is a changing table there. So he waits (as long as it takes!) for the family restroom or changes her in the car.

Huz has no problem being naked around her at home, so I don't think he's worried about her "seeing" anything in the restroom. I guess he might be worried that weirdos would look at her while he's changing her? I guess the situation is manageable right now, but when she starts to learn to potty outside of the home we might be in trouble.

What do you guys do? Obviously I don't go into the men's room so I don't know what goes on in there....
My DH is like this as well, so he also waits for the family restroom.

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#12 of 19 Old 09-26-2010, 02:43 AM
 
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Thanks for your responses. We talked more about it and he said (more eloquently that I'm putting it here) that he doesn't want some weirdo getting off on it and seeking out a child to victimize.
Wow. I find that sad. Not all men are perverts and pedophiles (not even many!) and the sooner people start getting that the sooner we can live in a world that is safer and more comfortable for kids and adults.

I want to live in a world where men are free to be nurturing.

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#13 of 19 Old 09-26-2010, 03:02 AM
 
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My DH never had a problem changing our DD in the men's room. We cloth diapered, though... so I usually just took her myself because something would invariably end up amiss when he took her. (There's a lot more steps to CDing versus disposable diapering. LOL.) DD potty learned early, though, and DH has never had any problem with bringing her into the bathroom with him. There was a point where she got freaked out because some man was taking a very loud dump in there ... But by and large she prefers for Daddy to take her, so he does. I guess we both figure that the likelihood of perverts watching a baby get changed is pretty equal no matter which bathroom we're in. KWIM?

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#14 of 19 Old 10-01-2010, 04:39 PM
 
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Originally Posted by justKate View Post
Thanks for your responses. We talked more about it and he said (more eloquently that I'm putting it here) that he doesn't want some weirdo getting off on it and seeking out a child to victimize.

I'm not sure where he's getting that, but we sort of agreed to disagree on it, and he'll just have to figure it out when they're out alone.
So, your dh sounds like a very loving father, and a protective father. Thats great!

That being said, how on earth would a man victimize your dd while he's changing her? I'm pretty sure, based on the info we have, that theres no way in HE!! he'd let anyone touch her, and if someone passes by and looks, well, women look at my ds's genitals in bathroom too (I mean, mostly the coo at him and tell me he's fabulous, but he's hanging out for all the world to see for a few seconds in there too you know?). Someone seeing her genitals isn't going to victimize her, that would take your dh allowing someone to touch her - which he wouldn't do, so no worries right?
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#15 of 19 Old 10-01-2010, 04:48 PM
 
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My husband never had a problem with it. In fact, one of his pet peeves were stores that had changing tables only in the women's rooms. When our kids were little, he occaisionally had to yell out ahead that a dad was coming in to change a baby.

Anyhow, what does he plan to do when your daughter is out of diapers but too young to go in the women's room on her own, if you aren't there?
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#16 of 19 Old 10-01-2010, 05:01 PM
 
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My DH has no problem changind DD2 wherever there are facilities. So in the men's if they have them, in the "baby" or "family" room if they don't. HIS pet peeve is places where the changing room doubles as the nursing room because a) who wants to eat in what is essentially a toilet (and usually stuffy, windowless and smells of nappybin), and b) how many women who sought out the stuffy windowless stinky nursing room want a man in there with them, albeit changing his kid....

DH will also take DD1 (4yo) into the mensroom if she needs to go. With us the rule is that if the sex-specific restroom for the PARENT is clean we take the kids there, if it's not then we use the family or at a push disabled toilet (as an example of what it takes for that to happen, DH last took DD to the disabled loo when i wasn't with him, there were no grandmotherly women around to take her in the ladiesroom and there was faeces on the seat of the only toilet in the mensroom).

It's a bit sad your DH is so afraid of and misinformed about pedophiles. It makes me worried that he is so paranoid that he thinks that it's even a consideration. Typical pedophile behaviour is NOT to ogle semi-clothed children in an obvious way right in front of their parents and then go attack another child (most of them would be murdered immediately upon the first part of that plan!). Typical pedophile behaviour is to be your good buddy/neighbour, who you've known a long time who is very trustworthy and caring and the perfect person to care for your kids.
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#17 of 19 Old 10-01-2010, 05:27 PM
 
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My husband has always taken our daughters into the men's room. GoBecGo pretty much said what we know to be true about pedophiles:

Quote:
Typical pedophile behaviour is NOT to ogle semi-clothed children in an obvious way right in front of their parents and then go attack another child (most of them would be murdered immediately upon the first part of that plan!). Typical pedophile behaviour is to be your good buddy/neighbour, who you've known a long time who is very trustworthy and caring and the perfect person to care for your kids.

It's not that the stay-at-home-parent gets to stay home with the kids. The kids get to stay home with a parent. Lucky Mom to DD1 (4 y) and DD2 (18 mo), Wife to Mercenary Dad
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#18 of 19 Old 10-07-2010, 01:50 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Anyhow, what does he plan to do when your daughter is out of diapers but too young to go in the women's room on her own, if you aren't there?
Yeah I wonder the same thing.

And he's MY husband, you know? I guess some fears manifest in strange ways....

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#19 of 19 Old 11-10-2010, 11:00 AM
 
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I know that my husband has the same fears. It's not that he thinks EVERY guy is going to be a perv, looking at her, but that there could be one, and it makes him sick.  However, she is now 3, and he takes her into the men's rooms when needed, but prefers that I take her to the women's rooms, of course. Part of that is a cultural thing, though, as he is from Africa, and mena re generally not involved in such ways with their daughters, so even though he is very involved, I think somtimes it feels a bit awkward for him

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