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#31 of 87 Old 07-15-2004, 10:38 AM
 
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How much do I do to help my wife? I do:

all the laundry.
most of the diapers.
most of the dishes.
most of the cooking.
the garbage.
the litter boxes.
feeding and watering the cats.
the computer backups and maintenance.
the bills.
the shopping.

we both go to all of our child's doctors appointments -- so far, anyway -- my wife's maternity leave ends in another 3 1/2 weeks. I'll be the stay-at-home dad after that. Fortunately, her job is mostly out of the house (computer work, phone, and paperwork, with frequent evening and weekend meetings).

Ever since my wife was late in her pregnancy, and especially since our daughter was born, I've found myself taking on more and more of the housework. I can't breastfeed -- it makes sense that I would do more of the support work, once we realized that it helped my wife to be around our child as much as possible to be in tune with her, so her milk would let down when dd was upset. We've introduced a bottle with expressed breast milk -- I've fed her from it a few times -- but I imagine that we won't be doing it regularly until my wife returns to work.

I've never felt this way before, but there's something about making decisions from the perspective of the whole family -- what would be best for all of us, not what I'd personally prefer -- that just makes sense with our daughter in our lives. I think that this perspective has made our transition into parenthood smoother than it would've been otherwise.

John-Eric, father to Chelsea (born May 18, 2004)
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#32 of 87 Old 07-20-2004, 01:46 PM
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"Whole-family POV" as "Equality"; may not make quantitative sense but it's clear from many posts that it's reality for many couples. I think that's what I was trying to intimate with my post earlier too... MOV felt I was doing all the bending... I guess so if the emphasis is on quantitative division of labor. But if we're using "whole-family" (not sure if that'd be accurately described as qualitative as compared to quantitative; life is rarely as bipolar as rhetoricism would have us believe) then it's not me beding too much or whatever. It's just getting the job for the family done. I don't think that's ever going to quantitatively add-up. All I know is that qualitatively it works.

But then that's why I prefer ecologics to economics... math is merely a small part of life, and life is about living in a place together, and not the business transactions of living.
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#33 of 87 Old 07-20-2004, 06:09 PM
 
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Zaadad posting under wife's username....

We are always joking about what the "husbandly and wifely duties" are....

When we got married 3 years ago, it was interesting how the "labot" was divided. We probably are not pretty typical...

I do the shopping, cooking and dishwashing, help w/ the laundry, and get up w/ the kids in the morning and get breakfast...

DW pays bills, drives the car, does laundry (including dipes), and cleans the house.

The interesting thing about this division is that we do these things b/c we like doing them. Amanda hates to go shopping and cook...I love it. I hate to drive so she does the driving. It was weird how we just fit into our roles.

Albeit, getting up early isnt' always the easiest thing, but it is kind of cool to spend time with one of the boys before everyone is up...as long as I can get my coffee!
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#34 of 87 Old 08-25-2004, 09:21 PM
 
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When your husband comes home, give him 1/2 to 1 hour of his own time. Let him play on the computer or whatever he does. Don't ignore him, but just let him do his thing. Don't hit him when he gets home with a list of stuff to do or complaints about your day.

After he's decompressed from work, tell him exactly what you want him to do. "Can you help the kids do XYZ?, Can you clean out the ABC?, Can you get the kids washed up and ready for dinner?" Don't give him a unspecific, "can you help out?" Give him a mission and he will get it accomplished. When he does what you've asked, thank him, give him a big hug and smooch and tell him that he really helped you out because you had a long day.

After a few days of this, greet him at the door with a special dessert and let him have it while he plays his video games or watches TV when he first gets home. Tell him that you know that he works hard and you appreciate everything he does for your family. See what he does.

You need to realize that us guys are truly suckers for our tender wifes, who make us feel like were rescuing them and helping them out. No guy wants to be married to his nagging mom.
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#35 of 87 Old 08-25-2004, 10:27 PM
 
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After I put my lovely, darling daughter to bed, I will add my two bits. It's been interesting and even surprising reading.

"To lose the sense of sacredness of the world is a mortal loss. To injure our world by excesses of greed and ingenuity is to endanger our own sacredness."    Ursula K. Le Guin
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#36 of 87 Old 08-25-2004, 11:50 PM
 
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I'm a mom. And I just had to post.

ARTroller said:
You need to realize that us guys are truly suckers for our tender wifes, who make us feel like were rescuing them and helping them out. No guy wants to be married to his nagging mom.

And Melissa S said:
I remember how dog tired I was when I got home and I just put myself in DH's shoes for a moment. I try to REALLY serve him when he gets home, get him whatever he needs, food, water, talkin', back rub, whatever. I try to have the home in order so there's a peaceful atmosphere when he gets home. No, I'm not from out of the 50's but everyone is happier and better for each other this way. DH is way more inclined to help.

SIGH.

While the thread is about trying to help the OP get her dragging-butt husband to see that he has home responsibilites, I really am dismayed at the 1950s tone creeping in from the despicable recesses of our dominant culture.

Why, oh women, do we reproduce with men who are incapable of raising a family? As a woman with a wonderful partner who I have always expected to contribute as much as he can to the house, I feel truly blessed. But complaining about "nagging moms" is misogynist and putting up with pathetic excuses from our DPs for not being fathers is inexcusable. The solution, as with most solutions that matter, appears to be linked to our own expectations and self esteem.

My favorite solution is no sex until they act right. Assuming you actually have *time* to have sex :LOL

rural mama to DD1 DD2
unschooling, non-vaxing, writing, gardening, co-sleeping, critter-loving family :
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#37 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 03:42 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Just a reminder that I am the OPer.

There are so many dynamics in this puzzle. Yes, Skim, it's true. Expectations and self esteem DO have so much to do with this issue. I see it in other women. I see it im myself. I find it very difficult when another woman to judges me as a result of tolerating some of DH's behavior. A woman with alot of self esteem and confidence is often disgusted with another woman who tolerates such abuse as alcoholism and violence (I myself felt this way about others, though this is not my case). I often get this response from other women in the area of shared responsibilities and I really feel like s**t when it happens. Not everyone is blessed with diva confidence. Not everyone's past experiences have lent to that.

I have recently undergone some major emotional healing experiences that have been difficult for me as far as adjusting in the marriage. I knew I could no longer tolerate things the way they were, I did not have to muster up expectations it just was not going to happen anymore and I think DH has sensed the change in my spirit.

I think ARTroller is right on the money with his suggestions about DH spacing out for abit after work. If I should serve DH dessert and give sweet talk it is not to manipulate or coerce him into doing something I want him to do. It's b/c I love him. This just happens naturally. And naturally after healing I have raised my expectations and DH is stepping up to the plate. I must remind myself that DH works 11 or more hour shifts paving roads or shovelling ashphalt all day and sometimes he is just not up to anything but crashing on the couch after work (sleeping). Sometimes he is too tired to eat supper. Those days I respectfully leave him be.

Since my expectations have changed DH has done laundry, helped cook, served the kids, bathed the kids, and done dishes That is a vast improvement. I still need to ask him to do it alot of the time but in time old habits will change and I trust it will become a part of daily living. I've always wondered, ARTroller, why do many men need to be asked and why do we women need to be so specific? Can't a man just see what needs to be done and do it? This is nagging at my curiosity as I my mother and a few other women friends also say they have to give their husbands specifics before any action is taken. The men who are exceptions to this are those I've seen who have had to spend some time as the primary caregiver to their children (no one else is going to do it).

I would not deny sex to DH in a way that that is punitive. However, I have told him that based on our lack of teamwork and family togetherness I am really not feeling up to it as the lack of those things make me feel like I'm not loved and cherished. I tell him that I am willing to have sex but my heart will not be in it. That's the honest truth, no manipulations. He has never yet had sex with me when I'm feeling this way.

Melissa
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#38 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 10:30 AM
 
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We are in much the same situation as John-Eric. J-E - you sound a lot like my husband. We are a SAHD and a full-time self-employed WAHM. So technically, we are both "home" although I am working about 10 hrs. a day (sometimes more, sometimes less). DH does a lot of the housework and taking care of the kids during the day. I do bills, grocery shopping, most cooking, some laundry, take care of the cats. We share bedtime (one with each kid). Weekends are shared. When I have a day or 1/2 day off, I do kid stuff, too.

I am a feminist, but have found myself in the weird position of sympathizing with the stereotypical "men who go off to work". Yes, staying home with the kids is hard. But so is going to work. Sometimes I work a 12-hour day. Go to bed at 12 and get up at 6 and still have to BF at night and be coherent enough to translate a contract the next day (I'm a translator). It's really hard to muster up the energy to get all of my share of the housework done, too, in that situation. I have a higher messiness tolerance than DH does and that is problematic sometimes. I think it can wait where he doesn't.

The main thing we have learned is that both of our jobs are important, both should be valued, and we couldn't do it without each other. He and the kids bring me little treats now and then to say that they appreciate me working, and the kids and I try to do the same for him to show our appreciation of his efforts.

I just wanted to add that pulling your weight doesn't always mean doing 50% of the housework. We realized that because I am "tied" to the computer, I can't do 50% of the chores, i.e. he can do some of his with the kids around, but I can't do much else when I'm sitting at the computer. So I don't necessarily do 50%. When we tried I dould never hold up my end and it was frustrating. Now we have it split up more manageably.

Melissa, it's good to hear that things are getting better!

Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (15) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#39 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 10:36 AM
 
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PS I have also seen situations where women complain about their partners not helping out, yet really don't let them try because "they can do it better themselves". I think I have seen this sentiment expressed by a couple of the dads in this thread. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy then.

Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (15) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#40 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 02:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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ITA, I have had to let go of the way I like things and let DH do them his way. At least he's doing something! As long as it's done I don't care if it is done correctly.

M
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#41 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 03:23 PM
 
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Melissa,

Didn't mean to imply you were one of those people!

Another random thought that came to mind when talking about the "value" of the work that stay-at-home parents do was that their work often extends to other family and friends. My husband regularly acts as an airport drop-off/pick-up service, emergency babysitter, and all-around be-there-when-you-need-something-during-the-day person. That is also worth a lot IMO.

Mom "D" to DD1 "Z" (15) and DD2 "I" (11) DH "M"

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#42 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 04:56 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragana
Melissa,

Didn't mean to imply you were one of those people!
You mean about women who complain but do all the work b/c they can do it better? I did not think you were implying that I was one of them, was just responding to the idea you threw out b/c I used to be that way.
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#43 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 05:12 PM
 
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Why oh why must I be reminded or told what must be done. I see it there, why can't I take it out.... Does your husband always do the things you ask at the last minute? Or right before you get home, does he finally pick up the kids toys from the living room?

If the dishes sit in the dishwasher all afternoon, it doesn't bother me. But I know my wife has other stuff to do when she gets home, so I empty right before I leave the house. I see that the laundry needs to be put into the drawers or on hangers but I figure that when my wife wants it to be taken care of, she will do it or ask me to. My wife still has some issues about having stuff done the way she wants it.

When my mother/mother-in-law/wifes grandmother/sister-in-law come over to visit, they often help her out. Guess what? While my wife doesn't tell them what they did wrong, I can tell by her expressions and her actions that they didn't do it the way she wanted it done. "Doh! Don't put the dishes there... you'll be sorry."

Not directed at the OP, but I'm glad to see that not all women think that being nice to your husband to get him to help out is that bad or that big of a deal. Your not selling yourself or your womanhood out. Why would anyone think that asking their husband nicely to do something is so 50s.

Denying him sex is very hurtful and will create a bit of resentment. Do women really think that sex is something that men do, to you? The next day, do you really think that we go to work and tell our buds, "yo, I nailed it last night bro!" Of course not. Sex to men, with our wives, is a very connecting, bonding act that we do WITH our wives. Is making love with your husband an act on his part to dominate you and destroy your feminism? He wants to make love to you because you are feminine. Why punish and deny him of it.

This man is supposed to be the person who you decided that you loved so much, that you want to spend the rest of your life with him, raise your kids with him, and grow old with him. Do you honestly think he wants to put you underneath him. I don't know him, but I would be willing to bet that he would give his life for yours or your kids without hesitation. He would go to work when he doesn't feel like it, work for a boss that he doesn't like, work with people that he doesn't get along with, work long hours, so you could have nice things and so your kids can have all the stuff the he never had. Don't take him for granted.

Well, you asked for a dads opinion.
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#44 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 06:27 PM
 
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Sorry it took me so long to get back from putting our daughter to sleep, I was distracted in War and Politics.

Quote from HC4
"Why would I want to help her, I would never do it right in the first place so we have a deal here, she stays out of the garage, and I stay away from the kitchen and laundry room.

Helping my wife is like looking for a fight."

Pretty pathetic. From reading this post I would have to say that both your relationships to each other need work. Sadly, this is a view held by a great many men. And sadly, I have had the mispleasure of working with a great many men who do talk about their wives (and girlfriends) as Artroller described ..."The next day, do you really think that we go to work and tell our buds, "yo, I nailed it last night bro!" Of course not."

Artroller, you sound like a great guy, but do not be naive. The attitudes of many men, and I have to say in my own experience the majority, is exactly that. If not overtly, then when they think they are in a "safe" space, usually around a few trusted buds, I will here the conversation. Once I open my mouth in protest or defense of the woman's POV, I don't get to hear theirt conversations anymore. It is a sad attitude and disgusts me. After all, these are the women they love, right?

Just from reading someone's post it is hard for me to know exactly what type of guy they are. But from what I've read so far, the majority sound like a bunch of tired, overworked guys who have never had to think about actively participating in raising a child. It is scary. But, not insurmountable.

My partner and I decided originally that I would stay home and Mama would work full time at her professional muckety-muck job. She pulled in almost twice what I made doing service and retail management. (I was looking forward to giving up the long weeks, stress and staying home with our daughter). But, during her leave she caught the baby bug and could not see leaving our daughter. She nursed exclusively, we AP parent, co-sleep, getting ready for homeschooling, the works. So, we changed our plans. But, I could not see going back to work full time and being a parent or a father in our parental mold. So, I work part time in a no stress job, we're poor, but we provide for all our daughter's needs. Because, ultimately, it is about the child.

So, I am home as much as possible. I take care of our DD as much as I am able to. She is VERY bonded to Mama, like velcro some days. So, I can only do so much before she wants to, 'see mama'. It is my official role to put her to sleep. But, I do what I can around the house and with our DD. Every little thing helps. Playing at the park with her, reading books, 'hanging out', or just simply interacting as she goes through a pretend monologue.

I guess I just find it hard when I hear of fathers who do not want to spend time with their children. It's your child, how could you not? Well, the sad thing is many men do feel they only have to help make them and not take care of them.

I'm also a bit older than some dads I know, and that has made a difference in how I approach things. When I was 21, I was planning my next keg party and not even thinking of how a diaper change would go. So, there has to be some credit for youth and dealing with the responsibility of parenthood. But, it's not something that can't be done.

I find it encouraging to see so many dads that have taken a pro active role in raising their children. I am happy to have found mothering, (courtesy of my partner) and the Dads forum. It is good to see the rare few are out there who help the Mamas of the world. 'Cause they need it.

"To lose the sense of sacredness of the world is a mortal loss. To injure our world by excesses of greed and ingenuity is to endanger our own sacredness."    Ursula K. Le Guin
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#45 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 07:21 PM
 
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Tata,
I'm sure your right that I am a bit naive, and that some guys do talk about their wives. I'm sure some women talk openly about what they do with their husbands too. But I would say that most of the guys I work with don't. A few do, and few have affairs too. So not everyone is perfect. That's why we cherish the good ones.

I don't talk bad about my wife to others. It's demeaning to her and worse yet, it shows that I have no respect for her. I wouldn't say anything about her that I wouldn't say in front of her.

I am overworked and tired. But it's not my daughters fault and I try not to take time away from her. I know it's the small things that will stay with her. Taking her for a walk, sitting with her to color, taking her to the convenience store just so she can pick out a candy. I work shift work so sometimes I go up to 6 or 7 days without seeing my wife. But I get to spend 4 to 6 hours alone with just my little one. So I definitely know what its like to watch a 3 year old tear apart the house just so I can clean it before I go to work. So I appreciate it when my wife gives me my time when I come home just to do my thing. I appreciate it alot more when she is sweet to me when asking me to do stuff around the house. I can be dog tired surviving on 2 or 3 hours of sleep a day, but when she comes over and gives me a hug, and in a very girly way asks me to do the dishes, it get done.
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#46 of 87 Old 08-26-2004, 09:37 PM
 
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Bless you.

"To lose the sense of sacredness of the world is a mortal loss. To injure our world by excesses of greed and ingenuity is to endanger our own sacredness."    Ursula K. Le Guin
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#47 of 87 Old 08-30-2004, 12:41 AM
 
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This is going to sound bad, but... he doesn't help me. To say that he does would imply that raising the kids and housework/maintainance are soley MY responsibility, and that being the income earner is soley his. I see it more as a partnership.... we help each other out. Right now, he's on parental leave (I'll get to that) but before that I'd say it usually went:

DH:
Income Earning: 100%
Housework/Maintainance: 40%
Childcare: 10%

Me:
Income Earning: 0%
Housework/Maintainance: 60%
Childcare: 90%

You will probably notice that works out to 50/50. He's an apprentice electrician, so has a pretty physical job, and often out of doors, regardless of the weather. I feel like we do about the same amount of work keeping our home running, and our family happy. I have a hard time with the Income Earning part of that... it's almost like I think he goes into stasus while he's at work or something. I find myself expecting him to have more energy than I do when he walks in the door. He doesn't. Early evening is the time of day when DS (& the rest of us!) is tired, hungry & bored, and being used as a human keenex/wrestling partner/juice-getting guy turned out not to be the change of pace DH is looking for at the end of his day most days (who knew?!) We lean on one another, we get through it.

Now that he's on parental leave (since DD was born) we only have to do the housework and childcare. It's a little less cut & dry. Some days I feel like I'm doing the brunt of the work, and other days he is. Usually, I feel like he's my life preserver, but some days he's like my cinderblock!! (and I'm sure he feels the same way about me) Anyway, in the long run, I think we end up doing about the same amount of work.

~Teresa, raising DS (Jan. 02) and DD1 (Jun. 04) and DD2 (Dec. 11) with DH.

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#48 of 87 Old 09-01-2004, 01:11 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Worm
Ummm...please forgive me for butting in...but sling dad...are you real?
sling dad is not me or my dh, but much of what he said is true in our home. Currently my dh is singing and rocking my 2.5 yr old ds to sleep while I am NAKing. Most of the help around the house I get is playing with the kids and giving me a break. I still do much of the housework- but he does help one weekends too. He is a bit of a handyman so rather than cleaning etc he does all the fix it stuff on weekends etc with the help of our ds.
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#49 of 87 Old 09-03-2004, 06:11 PM
 
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At my house, my wife (who is a stay at home mother to our two children) and I split the work to be done when I am at home. I feel that the work she does during the day is as much as the work I do during the day. Period.

When I get home, I "spell" her immediately and watch the kids so she can sit down and post on mothering.com or do whatever she wants. I usually make dinner and I usually fill the dishwasher. But after that, she covers for me until bedtime. If we are doing baths, I am in charge of the boy, she is in charge of the girl. For bedtime, the same (mostly because the girl is still nursing).

Aside from the question of equity, there is the question of balance. We all need alone time and we all need help.
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#50 of 87 Old 09-05-2004, 01:03 AM
 
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This a really good thread. I have read alot of the posts but not all, so I hope I don't end up being redundant.

I used to just wait and wait for my husband to walk in the door after I'd had a bad day so I could FINALLY get a break. I learned the hard way that that approach did not give me very good results! He was immediately put on guard and the whole evening got off on the wrong foot.

Now, when my husband comes in from work, I do my best to make sure there is a warm and welcoming environment for him to come into. The TV is off, and we are reading or talking or something low-key that he can easily step in to and immediately take part, if he wants. Hugs, kisses, etc. to let him know we are happy he is home, and we missed him.

When he's ready, usually 15-30 minutes after he's come in, taken off his shoes, used the bathroom, etc. he'll ask how my day has gone. Then it is my turn to vent. To get help. To take a break. Whatever. As long as he knows that he is "home". A warm, safe environment where he can have fun with the kids while momma takes a break. It goes over alot better than coming in to a war-zone and expecting him to embrace that after a long day of work.

As far as the amount of work my husband does around here-

He mows the lawn
does the dishes most of the time
cooks dinner most of the time
puts the kids to bed and does bathtime a couple days a week
and picks up around the house as needed

He knows I make an effort to keep the house a safe-haven for him to come home to, and it has rubbed off. He wants me to be happy and well-cared for as well.
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#51 of 87 Old 09-05-2004, 02:35 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just realized I can't in good conscience expect DH to take over where I have been lacking during the day. Some days I'm abit depresseed and don't do much and then expect DH to "rescue" me when I'm struggling in the evening b/c I can't find pajamas and sippy cups and the beds are not made and we've had late supper (again) so there's still dishes to be done. Jamie your advice is well taken and something I have thought of in the past.

Melissa
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#52 of 87 Old 09-13-2004, 02:34 AM
 
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My DW is a SAHM and she also watches 2 two y.o.'s during the week. I work the graveyard shift so I am usually sleeping through all of the racket and running and screaming. When I wake up during the week, I know that she is exhausted, there isnt much of a break for her, even when the kids are napping, she is cleaning up from the breakfast and lunch disaster in the kitchen and Hurricane toddler that came through the living room and dining room. When I wake up, it's usually about time to get the kids ready for their parents and the final clean up of the day. I know by the end of the day, by DW is just drained. I usually help her get the house cleaned at the end of the day and we alternate picking dsd up from school. Then not too long after that it's dinner, bath and bed time. It's a very detailed day for her and I know any thing i do will help her out. I try to cook dinner once in a while or at least take over and help load the dishwasher (which by the way I will never figure out, as she has a strategic plan for everything and just moves it all around anyway). But I do help when I can. On weekends I usually get up with the kids and let her sleep in for the extra hour or so and get her coffee ready (god knows that you do not want to see my dw in the morning with no coffee). So anyway it comes down to I do help her out as much as I can and I take care of all the outside work on top of that as much as I possibly can. I think that we have a good thing going, it has worked this far even though we've just been married for nearly 9 months.
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#53 of 87 Old 09-09-2006, 02:45 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Melissa S
Where I come from it's pretty normal to have chauvanistic attitudes.
Where are you from, anyway? I'm assuming you're originally American because you wrote

Quote:
...that if he brings in a paycheck that's enough...
and used "paycheck" instead of "paycheque".
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#54 of 87 Old 09-09-2006, 04:46 PM
 
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It's the word "help" that bugs me. I don't need my partner to "help" me. I need him to do exactly what I do: Notice what needs to be done, and just do it. No nagging should be required. It shouldn't be a secret to someone who lives in a house just as much as I do what chores are required to keep it from descending into chaos. If there is a pile of laundry, put it on to wash. If we are out of some key food item, add it to the online shopping list. (Opening the fridge and whining that "there's nothing to eat!" doesn't count.) This applies to traditionally male chores, as well, i.e. if the toilet is stopped up, I get the damn plunger out myself. When I wanted to replace the carpet in the basement and I knew he was swamped with work and other projects, I did the work myself.

Over the course of our relationship, he's gotten much better at this, and especially so since I've been pregnant. But we had to have many conversations to get to this point.

Edited to add: I gave him a lot of slack on this since he was moving into my house when we decided to live together, and it wasn't true at first that he should just "know" what needed to be done and how we should do it.
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#55 of 87 Old 09-09-2006, 05:25 PM
 
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Hey all, I saw this thread and thought it was great to talk openly about how we feel without actually hurting somebody's feeling.

Here is my case

I'm a Ph.D student full time and pregnant and my dh works full time as well. Right now we do not have any child-demanding activities, other than getting ready for the girl-to-come.

My dh is such a great help, I do the cooking all the week, he'll do the dishes. He is so good at doing whatever I ask him to do, BUT he doesn't have any initiative. He will not do anything if I don't ask him to do it.

Lately I have asked him to do probably a bit too much, but I feel like "I'm pregnant and study full time" you only "work" so is fair to help. He is totally ok with it, BUT again I have to do the thinking of what needs to be done, even if he has to cook (often during the weekends) he'll ask me what to do. I mean literally he will not move a finger if I don't ask him to.

So here is my question, should I stop "asking" for things and just let him be even though we have no more dishes to eat. Should I do everything my self.

I have talked to him over and over about this, but it doesn't seem to sink in. I know he means good, and he doesn't mind if I ask him to do anything/everything, but I have this feeling like when you have to ask somebody to say I love you.

Right now the situation is manageble but I don't want to wait until the baby comes and then everything will get in this tense atmosphere.

Any thoughts?
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#56 of 87 Old 09-09-2006, 06:28 PM
 
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Cuau, you get nothing but sympathy from me. It's a tough issue to work out, and it often takes even great couples years to nail down the balance. And not getting this stuff worked out will get you in divorce court. (It's one of the top reasons people split, along with fights about money.) No, you shouldn't have to nag or constantly ask for help over the long term. However, in the short term, you may have to keep verbalizing some of this stuff in a way that makes it clear what needs to be done.

It really is about the mindset. Dividing responsibilities 50-50 will get you nowhere, IME. It has to be 100-100, as in everyone is 100 percent responsible for the happiness of the household, for things to work out. Until both partners "get" that, the arguments about chores will go on forever and ever and ever.
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#57 of 87 Old 09-09-2006, 11:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's funny, I'm from Saskatchewan, Canada. But we are very influenced by US lingo. I never could figure out if it was "paycheck" or "paycheque". Same with "color" or "colour". The teachers always told us in school that either goes, bot hare right. Depends where the book you read is from and of course so much of the literature comes from the USA. But about the chauvanistic attitudes, I grew up in a very small town, about 500 people in all. A farming community with lots of politics and sports, lost of "status quo" and men brought home the bacon while farm wives stayed at home, barefoot and pregnant. The first big fight my mom had with her in-laws was that she got a job at the bank and my grandpa was outraged that a woman should work. It meant that the man had no value because his income alone could not provide all the families needs. It meant the husband was not independant or successful. Bah! To think that a man needs help! Imagine! That's the general attitude. Of course things have changed alot in the last 30 years but that attitude still has remnants in the next generation.

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#58 of 87 Old 09-12-2006, 05:51 AM
 
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I'm the SAHD of a 4 year old and a 2 year old girl. I do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, housework, Etc.... and I work 32 hours a week at Home Depot, 7-midnight 3-4 nights a week, and 16 hours every weekend.
I also do alot of side jobs after work on the weekends and some evenings I dont work. My wife is the best. She works all day and comes home to the kids and myself, 1/2 hour later I'm out the door. She takes care of the laundry on the weeekends while I am at work. Usually baths the kids in the evenings. No complaints. We do what NEEDS to be done to make the ends meet and provide for our family. It's not rocket science.

At least when you are at work you only have to deal with the needs and safety of yourself. I think he should try a day at work with a 2 year old in tow and see what it's like to try and get the smallest of things done. Trade places for a week.

I think he needs to be a man/father/husband and suck it up.
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#59 of 87 Old 09-12-2006, 01:55 PM
 
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Any little thing to show we are doing the family thing together. I want him to be more involved with family life and from time to time to do abit extra when I am on the verge of a breakdown instead of watching me struggle on my own while he sits on the couch and watches TV or plays video games.

Melissa
I read this and suddenly couldn't breathe. That is my life. In a nut shell. I am a SAHM of 4 littles. 7, 4, 2, and 7 months. I do all the cooking, and most of the cleaning. (I have a friend who takes pity on me, and helps out once in a while) DH brings home the paycheck, and he is done. He won't even cut the grass or do outside "MAN" things. (So he calls them) He just plops himself in front of the tv while I cook, help with homework, BF the baby (I know that I am on my own on this one ) but anyhow I feel like I am alone at home. Even when it is obvious that I am at my wits end, he is too busy to help. He yells at the kids if they want attention, which = kid and toddler meltdown which = me freaking out and getting into a big fight with DH. I just want to destroy the PS2, but then he would turn on the xbox, and if I got rid of that he would get his PSP: then if that one disappeared he would only move on to my puter, which I would die without. What would I do during naptime?
Anyhow, he would only take HIS paycheck and buy a new one.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=802589268Blissed out Mama of 4 Peace.gif
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#60 of 87 Old 09-12-2006, 05:37 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kyndmamaof4
I read this and suddenly couldn't breathe. That is my life. In a nut shell. I am a SAHM of 4 littles. 7, 4, 2, and 7 months. I do all the cooking, and most of the cleaning. (I have a friend who takes pity on me, and helps out once in a while) DH brings home the paycheck, and he is done. He won't even cut the grass or do outside "MAN" things. (So he calls them) He just plops himself in front of the tv while I cook, help with homework, BF the baby (I know that I am on my own on this one ) but anyhow I feel like I am alone at home. Even when it is obvious that I am at my wits end, he is too busy to help. He yells at the kids if they want attention, which = kid and toddler meltdown which = me freaking out and getting into a big fight with DH. I just want to destroy the PS2, but then he would turn on the xbox, and if I got rid of that he would get his PSP: then if that one disappeared he would only move on to my puter, which I would die without. What would I do during naptime?
Anyhow, he would only take HIS paycheck and buy a new one.
Wow, he's not a father, he's a sperm donor.
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