Dad's - how much do you help your wives? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
Reply
 
Thread Tools
#61 of 87 Old 09-12-2006, 09:10 PM
 
KrystalC's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: covered in baby drool
Posts: 1,216
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband and I are definitely going to have issues as far as this goes. For example, we bought a new desk and rather than take the old one apart and toss it in the garbage immediately, he had the bright idea of moving it into the spare room where it sat for quite some time with him giving me the constant reassurance that he'd take care of it on Saturday. Needless to say, many Saturdays passed. When we found out that we're expecting, of course, I wanted that desk OUT of the "spare room" so it could become the nursery and asked him to take care of it when I went out of the country on vacation for 10 days. He promised me he'd do it...and didn't. I decided to do it myself and THEN he came in to "help" while constantly griping about having to do it "on his day off". This type of thing is a regular occurrence in our household.

I worked full-time and went to school part-time up until this semester when I switched to part-time work and full-time school. Meanwhile, I see him doing less and less around the house because he's actually "working" more than I am now even though I do have other responsibilities, such as school.

I recently asked him to help me clean on a Saturday and his response was "I don't want to do it on my day off" but Saturday is MY day off too. After much arguing and absolute frustration on my part, he finally agreed to help. I hate having to get onto him about these kinds of things, but it's really not fair that I have to work, go to school, AND do all of the cooking and housecleaning. Granted, there's no way in hell am I going to let him cook, so I do that GLADLY!

Due to his crappy work schedule, it's going to get even worse after the baby is born because I'll be working in the morning, going to class, trying to do homework, and then taking care of the baby by myself all evening when he's at work from 8:00pm to 4:30am - during the time I'll be trying to sleep and I will have absolutely NO HELP with nighttime diapers or any of those sorts of things. My mom will be taking care of the baby all day when I'm not home, so my husband will get a full day's rest without any of the same sleep interruptions I'll have.

I find myself in the same situation as the OP (good for you on him helping you more now!!!!!) and I'm trying to figure out how to handle it now before it gets way out of hand and I find myself in a padded room. I'd love to hear a man's opinion with regard to this particular situation and perhaps some advice as to how to handle him without starting WWIII. Am I justified in feeling this way? What can I do to get him to realize I simply can't do it all (cook, clean, work, school, taking care of baby, etc.)?
KrystalC is offline  
#62 of 87 Old 09-13-2006, 12:38 AM
 
apjake's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
KrystalC,

I know what your dh is going through. When we had our first daughter I had a hard time identifiying how hard it was for my wife to take care of everything around the house. Our situation was a little different because she was only going to school but I felt like I must be much more tired than she could possibly be so I should get more rest. Boy was I wrong!!!! Our first daughter is almost three and we now have a one year old and I have learned this is not the case at all. I wake up at 5 o'clock am and work in construction all day until about 5 pm. I am usually bone tired when I get home but when I look at my wife's face I know she is at least as tired as I am so I take over child care and start dinner. We eat, give the girls baths, read stories and put them to bed, wait a little while, go to sleep, wake up, repeat. This is the least I can do for my children. I think husbands need to think about the big picture and do what is best for the kids even if they are really tired. The way I look at it is, while I'm at work, she's at work. When I get home both our days start over and no matter what happened during the day we a both on an even playing field and both need to pitch in equally. I hope this helps.
apjake is offline  
#63 of 87 Old 09-14-2006, 01:55 AM
 
MaryLang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,638
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 2 Post(s)
My DH goes to work and school. Which is awesome, I know some guys that can't get themselves together to support their families, so I have a lot of respect for what DH does. But could use more help with 3 little ones.
At home he:
Helps with Laundry
Changes some Diapers
Sometimes does Baths
I:
Clean-wash floors, scrub bathroom, vaccum,dust, everything...
Laundry
Take care of animals
Cook
Dishes
Shop
Bake goodies for him&kids
Bills
And a million more
KC- You sound a lot like us. DH is always "going to take care of it", which usually mean me getting started and him stepping in half way through. I didn't expect this to cause the kind of problems it is right now.

hearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gifhearts.gif A house full of girls, but for dad and one brother bikenew.gif
"Be careful how you speak to your children. One day it will become their inner voice." ~ Peggy O' Mara
Cloth diapering, babywearing and co-sleeping has been a way of life for almost a decade now partners.gif
MaryLang is offline  
#64 of 87 Old 09-14-2006, 06:01 PM - Thread Starter
 
Melissa S's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SK, Canada
Posts: 418
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by kyndmamaof4
I read this and suddenly couldn't breathe. That is my life. In a nut shell. I am a SAHM of 4 littles. 7, 4, 2, and 7 months. I do all the cooking, and most of the cleaning. (I have a friend who takes pity on me, and helps out once in a while) DH brings home the paycheck, and he is done. He won't even cut the grass or do outside "MAN" things. (So he calls them) He just plops himself in front of the tv while I cook, help with homework, BF the baby (I know that I am on my own on this one ) but anyhow I feel like I am alone at home. Even when it is obvious that I am at my wits end, he is too busy to help. He yells at the kids if they want attention, which = kid and toddler meltdown which = me freaking out and getting into a big fight with DH. I just want to destroy the PS2, but then he would turn on the xbox, and if I got rid of that he would get his PSP: then if that one disappeared he would only move on to my puter, which I would die without. What would I do during naptime?
Anyhow, he would only take HIS paycheck and buy a new one.


I beleive that God sets certain events, coincidences, etc.. in place to teach us. I learned with my own DH that I was reaping the consequences that I believed I was not worth more than what he was willing to give. When I was 13 my mom went to cosmotology school. Dad along with the whole family made an agreement to pitch in and make up for mom's lack of being around. After a few months had passed Dad stopped helping and I did everything. I cooked, did laundry, cleaned, acted as mom to my little sister, and delegated to my brother. I resented my Dad. In my own work on my inner self this topic came up. And, ironically, replies to THIS post appeared in my inbox. Then my friends and family started making comments about DH's lack of involvement. I figured all these were signs that I was to confront this issue head on.

I don't agree with divorce but I really did had to draw a line in the sand. I was strong, and I was angry. I had enough of my DH's lack of participation. If I had to be independant I was willing to be a single mom again. I had to be ready for the consequences of drawing the line, even if it meant no DH in the picture. All of this culminated in a near separation and then a looong talk about responsibilities and growing up (having nothing to do with a paycheck). Now you need to know something about DH. He stands on his word. If he does not want to commit to something he simply shrugs his shoulders or says "I don't know" or wrinkles up his nose. BUT, if he agrees to something I know I have his comittment. In this long talk I got apologies for many things (DH also has a hard time saying sorry). And I got several comittments: less time on the PS2, more time with the family, sitting at the supper table at mealtime, and attending school events. This has NEVER happened before. It has been two days of following through on his word (knock on wood). But he knows now how serious I am about this and that I am willing to take drastic measures. I may yet need to draw that line again, I don't know. I don't really think of it as being a threat to him but it's just that I have expectations and finally decided to make some strong boundaries.

I think all men who have issues with responsibility were parented in a way that either they were forced to grow up to quickly as in the case of abuse and never had a chance to be irresponsible and carefree OR they were never really given any firm boundaries and no never really meant no. Tough for us to have to mother them or be the "teacher" of these principles, but creating these healthy boundaries are vital for good relationships. Another thought for men like my DH is that they are copping out of life. They are drones with no sense of purpose. Life is passing them by and they will miss it... how sad is that?!?!? I know one thing: for me, personal development came before I could require that of him.. Now I have to hold him to it... one step at a time.

Melissa
Melissa S is offline  
#65 of 87 Old 09-14-2006, 06:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
Melissa S's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: SK, Canada
Posts: 418
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Sorry about the comment that generalized all men. I read it and realized it could be offensive. OK, so I believe in many cases it is true that men could have a history relating to lack of participation but of course there are always other factors to consider in each situation.
Melissa S is offline  
#66 of 87 Old 09-14-2006, 06:54 PM
Banned
 
Pandora114's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Shamelessly using "devices"
Posts: 7,100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Didn't read all the responses:

Not a dad

But:

I asked my DH FIVE TIMES to vacuum the stairs today

He's doing the dishes

do the words STAIRS and DISHES sound even remotely similar???
Pandora114 is offline  
#67 of 87 Old 09-14-2006, 07:41 PM
 
sehbub's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Back in the bush...
Posts: 10,497
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We've got things divided as we need. If I'm having a rough day with DD, DH steps in and takes her for a few hours. Also, Sundays are his days with the kids. Per him, period. He would much rather play with the kids on his own on Sundays and let me do whatever I want. Then again, if I let him know friends and I want to go out one night, or my mom is taking me out on Saturday, he's cool with that, and vice versa. He can call me one day and say "is it okay with you if I go grab some beers after work?" and generally, yes of course. He can tell in my voice if it should be a 1 beer night, or can be a 3 or 4 beer night.

Our division is as such:

I:
vaccum
do all laundry
do all diapers
change sheets on beds
take care of DD all day
pick DSDs up from school on "our" nights, then take them back to school the next day
do dishes every day (mostly)
do almost all grocery shopping

DH:
feeds the dog twice daily, and fish once daily
mows the lawn
depoops the backyard (I can't stomach the smell)
takes out the garbage Thursday nights
and starting now, he will be scrubbing the kitchen and bathroom floors weekly (probably biweekly) because I have been put on restricted movement by my OB.
stays up with DD until midnight every night so that I can go to bed and wake up with her overnight and then up for the day at 5 or 5:30 and he can sleep until 6 or 6:30. That way we get the same amount of sleep.

I know I'm lucky, and spoiled by a man who respects me as an equal, and loves watching his children grow and learn. It's great to watch the quiet contentment on his face when he's watching football with DD cuddled in the crook of his arm, or hearing our two older girls squealing as he chases them around the yard.

We're blessed.
OP, I'm glad things are working better for you!
pays the bills

Sarah - Mama to Vic (1/19/00), Syd (4/06/02) Sam (4/20/06-born at 30wk2d), JackJack (2/14/07) and Charlie (4/30/10)
sehbub is offline  
#68 of 87 Old 09-14-2006, 07:48 PM
 
momeeboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: O'ahu, Hawai'i
Posts: 179
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pandora114
Didn't read all the responses:

Not a dad

But:

I asked my DH FIVE TIMES to vacuum the stairs today

He's doing the dishes

do the words STAIRS and DISHES sound even remotely similar???
No, but I'm happy when DH does the dishes. He's probably hoping you'll do it. I know that would be my MO.
momeeboys is offline  
#69 of 87 Old 09-15-2006, 01:34 AM
Banned
 
Pandora114's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Shamelessly using "devices"
Posts: 7,100
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by momeeboys
No, but I'm happy when DH does the dishes. He's probably hoping you'll do it. I know that would be my MO.
Yeah but there's a problem.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant and can't lug the vacuum cleaner up the stairs.

He did it..finally
Pandora114 is offline  
#70 of 87 Old 09-27-2006, 02:53 AM
 
ejsmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bye bye, DC! Hello beautiful WA!
Posts: 222
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know I am really blessed by my partner. He really has been a complete partner in parenting from the very beginning. Maybe it helped that for our son's frist 1.5 years we were both full time pastors, and took different days off so we didn't have to pay for childcare more than a couple days a week. We understood the demands of one another's work, and we understood the demands of being at home with our son. We shared housework equally when we were both working. When I was nursing, he did all the cooking, because, in his words, if I was feeding DS, he should feed me. Neither of us believe in "womans work" or "mans work" We both have things we enjoy, and things that we don't enjoy, and know that we both need to do some of both. He knows that there are things he can't do because of biology, and tries to make it up in other ways (ie. doing the cooking when I was doing the nursing).

I am now a SAHM, and we had a bit of a rough transition, because I didn't realize how exhausting it would be, how hard it was to not have the "break" of work, and he didn't realize how exhausted I was. We regularly make sure DH has days alone with DS so I can have a break. I also try to make sure I regularly give him time off, because he does work very very hard both at work and at home, and he needs his recharge time, too. DH has some jobs that are his every night. We have communicated/negotiated this, and I understand that there are some nights that because of work or his exhaustion, those things don't get done. On those nights, we let them go. DS's toys don't have to be picked up every night, and the dishes sometimes can wait. He also jumps in to parenting the moment he gets home. If he needs some time for himself, he does it before he comes home, or after DS goes to bed. To be honest, I actually think DH needs more of a break than he gets. He is a pastor in a prison, and it is REALLY demanding. But he spends his days with men who can't be with their children, so he yearns to be with his son. I am also pregnant and exhausted, and DH started taking responsibility for the early mornings so I could get extra sleep, and we now take turns getting up at night. So, yes, I know I am married to a saint, and sometimes, I really don't think I deserve this. But, I also don't think I could have settled for any less, and my DH feels totally blessed by his close relationship with our 2 year old, whom he enjoyes more every day.

I must admit, I don't think I could put up with a relationship that wasn't an equal partnership in terms of parenting. Sure, I will be doing more at home. I'm at home, and that is my job. But it is not right for one partner to have a job that is 24/7 and the other to work 40 hours a week. I make sure I am very clear with DH about my own needs, what is helpful to me, when I need a break, etc., and hope for the same from him.

I'm going to ask him to respond to you as well. I think that communication in a non hostile, non blaming manner is so important. And it may be that an outside person (a counselor, a pastor - but be careful who you see, etc.) might be very helpful. Blaming, hurtful accusations, etc., will never improve the situation even if they make you feel better.
ejsmama is offline  
#71 of 87 Old 10-06-2006, 08:56 PM
 
Mama2RMM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Posts: 385
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Let me preface my post by stating that I haven't read any replies, nor do I know if *my* husband has replied. (It will be interesting to see if he and I have differing views on this matter!)

Our household is currently 80% run by my husband. I generally cook a meal in the crock pot, do light cleaning and laundry during the day, and I devote the remainder of my time to breastfeeding Meagan and Morgan and spending free time with Rachel.

He washes dishes, he does laundry (even diapers), he dresses everyone in the morning, he cooks breakfast for us, he pays bills (discusses finances with me weekly), he does the yardwork, takes out the trash, walks the dog, puts Rachel to bed, rocks the twins, goes to the grocery, slings the twins, and on and on and on.

Currently he works about 20 hours per week and is studying for licensing exams. I have one class, on-line, that takes about an hour each week.

We both go non-stop, all day long until the kids are in bed. Then we spend time together.

I think there are times where we both resent one another. He resents all the time that I get to spend siting on the sofa or at the computer nursing a baby and I resent him getting to DO anything other than hold/feed babies all day long. It's what we both have to do to make things work right now though, and these aren't our roles forever.

I imagine in a year, I will do his 80% of the household tasks. I imagine in six years when the kids are in school and I start my career, we'll split things halfway.

Even if he is the only source of income, there are many more things that make a household run. Income is not half the battle.
Mama2RMM is offline  
#72 of 87 Old 10-11-2006, 04:32 PM
 
Alberto's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Spain
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well, i haven't read all the posts (sorry), but what i do as a father and a member of my family is to collaborate (i don't know if this verb is right in english), we collaborate, i do not help anybody, i collaborate with my wife and she does with me.

And what we do (me and my wife) is to "work" the same time, we don´t distribute the things to do (incluiding working out of home and taking care of Alba), we just "put" the same time to the family, and we go to bed at the same time equally tired. I think it's better to speak about time than things to do.

It's just a little thought.
Alberto is offline  
#73 of 87 Old 10-12-2006, 06:05 PM
 
hipcoolmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr.Worm View Post
Ummm...please forgive me for butting in...but sling dad...are you real?


I realize this is a really old post, but there are some current posts towards the end. Anyway, yes! I wondered too if Sling Dad was for real, too.

I mean, if my husband even wanted to get on Mothering (which unfortunately I don't think he would) he would regretably not choose a cool user name like Sling Dad. Sigh.

I LOVE your user name!
hipcoolmama is offline  
#74 of 87 Old 10-12-2006, 06:08 PM
 
hipcoolmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 409
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Ok, I am in no way defending my husband. He needs to do more, way more. And he really should be able to do more without being told and reminded.

And he really shouldn't do things so half-a**ed so that I get exasperated and think twice about asking him to do things. (I know he does this deliberately!!)

But...

My husband helps out and is way more involved with the kids than:

1. My own dad ever was
2. His dad ever was
3. My grandfather ever was
4. His grandfather ever was

So, I guess maybe over the generations, expectations have increased and family dynamics have certainly changed.

So, I don't mind setting a good example for my own kids (and their future spouses) by asking more of my husband!!

Know what I mean?
hipcoolmama is offline  
#75 of 87 Old 10-13-2006, 07:31 AM
 
cjuniverse's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: In a quiet place.
Posts: 2,023
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know this is a very old thread, thought I'd chime in anyways...

My husband is the type that has always wanted children, since he was a child himself. Way, way more than I ever did. In fact, having our son was his idea...I'm the one that had to be convinced. I'm glad I was (most days).

As such, he fully understands/appreciates the time/energy/sacrifice that is raising a child. He *knows* I need a break when he comes home, especially when I've got 'that look' on my face. So he takes over, much like I would (and have) when I've returned home to see 'that look' on his face.

He's the super parent, not me. I have definite, clear, permanent limits to how much I can handle (depression/anxiety/post partum psychosis). His psyche is much more flexible, fortunately (for us and for our baby!).

He will do anything and everything I ask of him. But I do have to ask. Often. Which drives me insane sometimes. But I'm telling you, on days like yesterday and the day before (when I was sick in bed with strep and couldn't even get up let alone care for Ryo), I'm immensely glad I chose him to be the father of my son. He may have to be nagged at times, which is hella annoying, but at least he's willing and able to help when I need it.

Not that I think it's okay for me to have to nag...just feeling appreciative at the moment. Trust me, I'm NO FAN of 1950's 'How to Be a Good Wife' stuff. ICK. Kill me first. But our relationship is nowhere near that (despite my feelings to the contrary sometimes), and I'm grateful.
cjuniverse is offline  
#76 of 87 Old 10-18-2006, 11:26 AM
 
ninelives's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Posts: 65
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melissa S View Post
But about the chauvanistic attitudes, I grew up in a very small town, about 500 people in all. A farming community with lots of politics and sports, lost of "status quo" and men brought home the bacon while farm wives stayed at home, barefoot and pregnant. The first big fight my mom had with her in-laws was that she got a job at the bank and my grandpa was outraged that a woman should work. It meant that the man had no value because his income alone could not provide all the families needs. It meant the husband was not independant or successful. Bah! To think that a man needs help! Imagine! That's the general attitude. Of course things have changed alot in the last 30 years but that attitude still has remnants in the next generation.

Melissa

It sounds like the type of area settled by British Crown Traditionalists. Their values were kind of similar to those down here in the Southern U.S.
ninelives is offline  
#77 of 87 Old 10-19-2006, 04:47 PM
 
mimiharshe's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 2,281
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Pandorra...why not be greatful he's doing the dishes?

My husband is in Grad school and is amazing. While I'm a SAHM and take care of a lot the responsibilites, he promised to keep family first and has held true to that!

Communication, communication, communication! We as couples should be doing this from the first day, but hey, it's never too late. Communicate in a non-offensive way if possible!
mimiharshe is offline  
#78 of 87 Old 10-23-2006, 01:13 AM
 
PrennaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Aloha, OR
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Hi This is Prennamamas Dh. I help with the little stuff, most the time just bite my nails. Try to keep the household clean such as vacuuming, sweeping, dishes, making the bed, and organizing things(she's laughing at me). Now on fridays we discuss what we want to accomplish over the weekend. This weekend we made a dog run, cleaned and organized the entire house(!), and prepared for company. (my folks).

As for DD I get her up in the am, play, diapers, play some more, play.Then go to work.Come home play. At night I get her ready for bed, say our prayers-meditations. When DW has plans out of the house, I take DD on daddy dates.

DW plans to go back to school in the winter to finish up PHD I will need to step up alot more.

I feel that what I do on a scale of 1-10 is about at 7. Trying to balance my company, my band, and home life is taking a little more time than anticipated. To me it feels like theres just not enough time in the day or the week. Fathers that work fulltime have nothing on the SAHM. I do have much respect for the SAHMs.
PrennaMama is offline  
#79 of 87 Old 10-23-2006, 09:16 PM
 
PrennaMama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Aloha, OR
Posts: 1,142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
ok, this is the REAL PrennaMama! Dh DOES do a lot. He could do more, but so could I!

Alberto!

That's what DH and I just talked about. We really work better as a team. When we work on projects on the weekend, we really work TOGETHER. I might be picking up the floors and tidying while he follows along w/ a vac, or I might be dusting and oiling while he does the dishes. Point is, he does his fulltime job, and I have mine. So, during "work hours" I make it my business to take care of anything and everything Prenna related first and foremost, and secondly, I have a goal that I try to do at least one biggish chore a day, like the laundry or the whole kitchen or a closet or something. When the regular "work hours" are done (9-5) anything else, other than the care and feeding of the dd, is extra!

It balances out. I don't like using the word help. It isn't a dad's JOB to HELP... parents are a team! Parenting is a COOPERATIVE effort, like Alberto said- a collaboration. Sometimes one team-member ought to step up their game, sure. But if we start the day saying "We are a team" then the road just got that much easier.
PrennaMama is offline  
#80 of 87 Old 10-24-2006, 10:47 AM
 
Shodan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 71
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We sat down, early in our marriage, and made a list of chores and assigned them.

We also added a rule that the person responsible for a task is responsible for deciding when and how to do it. If you criticize (or redo) a task, you are then responsible for doing it the next time. It saved a lot of arguments. It also allowed some re-negotiation about what was important - if you can't stand how I vacuum, you can take over the vacuuming and I will pick up something else.

When the kids started arriving, we found it worked best to alternate night duty so that both parents weren't exhausted from getting up in the middle of the night - only one was at a time. Since I had to get up earlier to go to work, I did most of the morning duty of changing out of jammies into day clothes, changing diapers, and breakfast.

And I made it a point to get the kids out of the house for half an hour or so when I got home from work. That was one of my better ideas - it is intensely flattering to see everyone's face light up when you walk in the door. The kids all are thinking, "oh goody - daddy's home, we can go to the park/play in the car/help shovel snow/go to the hardware store/whatever" and mommy is thinking "THANK GOD - GET THESE KIDS OUT OF MY HOUSE".

Now that they are older, they do a lot of their own chores, so the division of labor is currently:
  • She and the kids alternate cooking during the week; I cook on weekends
  • I vacuum upstairs, my daughter vacuums downstairs, my son vacuums the stairs
  • My wife does our laundry, the kids do their own
  • She cleans the kitchen, I clean the bathrooms
  • We rotate mowing the lawn and trimming the bushes amid me, my wife and my son
  • My son and I do most of the repairs
  • I wash the outside of the cars, she does the inside

Regards,
Shodan
Shodan is offline  
#81 of 87 Old 10-26-2006, 02:20 PM
 
MommyLynda's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Glenpool Ok
Posts: 2
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have been having this same issue myself. I am 29yrs old. I have a daughter that is 5 and a son that is 4. I have raised both from day one. I have been present for every waking day of their little lives. From birth until now. I've left my daughter when she was 15 months old to watch a movie and it was the first time without her. I am currently,and have been for two years in school,that is the only time I am not with my kids. I do the budget, I do the groceries, the meals the bathes the bedtimes,the house work, the lawn work, the speical events. I do it all, on my own. DH works, and that is all. Two weeks ago I hit my breaking point. I called my mother and requested she drive the four hours to pick me up. I could not take it any longer. I was depressed,angry and downright sick with my life. I have no one here, no family, no friends nothing. These kids are all I have. I was sick of taking care of them, AND HIM. I don't want to pick up his dirty clothing, do his dishes or clean up his trash. I told him that as i walked out the door.... he asked for a second chance,, I am giving him that.. he has been better, but if he fails this time. We will be gone. Simply put, don't let someone use you as their slave,that is not what marriage is about.
MommyLynda is offline  
#82 of 87 Old 10-27-2006, 03:08 PM
 
Mighty Jalapeno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 279
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
As much as I do have a lot of times where I think "I worked all day to pay for everything," I also realize that taking care of two kids full time is also tiring in a completely different way.

At work, I deal with fully-grown people who are incapable of rational thought, and my wife works with barely-grown midgets who are incapable of raitonal thought, AND she has to clean their poop, so she trumps me in that regard. Still, she also gets periods to kick back and snuggle with her charges, maybe have a lemon-water, watch The Colbert Report, whereas I get verbally bitchslapped for... oddly enough, posting on forums. Like now.

But when I get home, I'm usually so happy to be there that I get a chunk of my energy back. I cook dinner, and now that the dishwasher has exploded, I do dishes. (I did the dishes for three years when we were dishwasherless anyways). I do big-tidies of the living room and sunroom when I have time (which is moving the BIG Mess out of the way, and leaving the detailed-cleaning for her, since I don't know where the small stuff goes). When I get home, I take over spending time with the boy (what do I call him here, Throkky?) we play WaveRace, or flash games, or cars, or snakes and ladders, or we read stories. I get his teeth brushed and put him to bed, and then I usually take over with the baby until she falls asleep around 10, so give Throkky some child-free time. And, probably 50% of the mornings, I get up with both kids to let her sleep in until after I've left for work.

Now, don't get me wrong... it's a pile of work, added onto me working 50+ hours a week, but it's just about the least I can do to help her get through her days. I drive her to and from home when she misses the bus (and we live 15 minutes out of town), I drive her to the pool on Thursdays for the boy's swim classes, and where possible, I take both kids and let her go hang out with her friends for coffee, or vegetarian potlucks, or whatever (though, for SOME reason, she usually insists on bringing the baby she has to breastfeed every few hours. Insanity!)

There are times when I just want to come home, sit, and relax, but I think the periods of melancholy are normal, but no matter how annoyed I feel... I still buckle down and do it, because she's my wife, they're my kids, and I have responsibilities.

So to all the dads and husbands who come home and do diddly poop... I hope you enjoy being single in your old age.
Mighty Jalapeno is offline  
#83 of 87 Old 11-04-2006, 10:50 PM
 
everettdaddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Seminole, Ok
Posts: 82
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have to think that i do help out as much as I can. My SO does many tihngs.. like taking care of the kids, and everything that goes along with that... But I do my share of changing diapers, wiping tears, florrs, and doing the dishes.

I don't do laundry, but I make the beds, help with bed-time, and do alot when i can.

A few weeks ago I was holding the youngest one and So was running around the house.. I was feeling like i wasn't doing anything, but the fact that i was keeping the youngest one happy, and the other kids happy.. she was way too excited about me holdiong him.
everettdaddy is offline  
#84 of 87 Old 11-20-2006, 01:23 PM
 
Vellorian's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 146
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My wife is a stay-at-home mother (do you refer to that on this site as an SAHM?).

While I am at work, she manages the household.

I pay the bills. I will not relegate that stress to her. She's got enough with 5 active, precocious children demanding her attention.

When I'm home, I handle discipline. We "redistribute authority" when I get home from work. I "take the helm", so to speak. This in now way undermines her authority, it simply provides her a respite and the opportunity to say, "Take it to Daddy..."

My wife is horribly offended if I take up any household duties. She feels this is her territory and if I end up doing anything "domestic" that she has somehow failed to keep the house orderly.

Cooking, however, is something I greatly enjoy, so I like to take that on the weekends and any evening when she hasn't already finished it.

I consider my biggest and most important help to her in the area of relaxing her, ensuring she gets enough rest and taking away her stresses. She has told me countless times how big a difference it makes to have me walk through the door and when I'm traveling for the office, how much she misses it.

We view our parenting and marriage as a partnership. We've chosen some pretty traditional roles, but I'm not afraid to wield an iron, vacuum or shopping list if that's what it takes to relieve her stress.
Vellorian is offline  
#85 of 87 Old 11-29-2006, 12:45 AM
 
confuseddaddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I didn't take the time to read every post but figured I'd add how i felt.
My SO is a SAHM, and granted she has ALOT to do during the day I am in and out of the house all day long and usually done for the day around lunch. I clean all the time, dishes and picking up. I do laundry but I don't fold them, I hate folding. I give him his baths, and i hold him when he's cranky some of the time. During the night when he would wake up very seldom did I get up with him just becuase I felt that since she could sleep in a little longer, and I've got to get up early, I shouldn't have to get up at 2 am and 4 am. I did get up some of the times , just no nowhere near as much as she did. I would come home early while SO is still sleeping and clean up or take care of him for a little while, I don't have any problems chaning diapers...she has more of a prob with those smelly ones, doesn't bother me. Anytime we go anywhere I hold him, or push his stroller while she looks around of shops. I enjoy it.
She has mentioned that she wants me to help out more, and I want to, but I don't see where I do much less than her.
I'm not a bad father am i ? I try to help out as much as possible, I can do some of my work at home, and when I do i usually wind up taking care of him, because she's trying to get a break. Which can be frustrating trying to make our living and having to get up to get him when he's hungry or cranky.
confuseddaddy is offline  
#86 of 87 Old 11-29-2006, 12:52 AM
Banned
 
~member~'s Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: on a lily pad
Posts: 13,061
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by confuseddaddy View Post
During the night when he would wake up very seldom did I get up with him just becuase I felt that since she could sleep in a little longer, and I've got to get up early, I shouldn't have to get up at 2 am and 4 am.
I am happy that my children's father believes his children are more important than his job. He will wake up at 2 am and 4 am and again at 5 am if needed, as he understands that their mother, who is providing all the care for them when he is gone, needs to be well-rested.

He doesn't want a tired person accidentally dropping the baby or spilling boiling hot water or...
~member~ is offline  
#87 of 87 Old 11-29-2006, 01:11 AM
 
confuseddaddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 6
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaInTheBoonies View Post
I am happy that my children's father believes his children are more important than his job. He will wake up at 2 am and 4 am and again at 5 am if needed, as he understands that their mother, who is providing all the care for them when he is gone, needs to be well-rested.

He doesn't want a tired person accidentally dropping the baby or spilling boiling hot water or...
My children ARE more important than my job, I took a HUGE paycut and left a supervisory position to bring us home and settle. My kids are more important, but if I don't work then we won't be worried about who's gonna get up with him, we'll be worried about where we are gonna live, how we're gonna eat.
I have gotten up with him several times, but no not every night and not anywhere near the amount of times she has. Now he sleeps through the night. And she's well rested when I come home at noon and she's still in bed, and although she is providing care when I'm not here which is only 4 or 5 hours a day, I'm providing the roof over our heads and the food we eat. I've told SO several times I'd LOVE to be a stay at home dad. Wouldn't bother me a bit, well maybe my pride a little by not doing what most fathers feel is their responsibilty, but yes I could handle it. I raised my 2 brothers and 2 sisters for close to 10 years because my father had passed and the mother was too busy working and going to school.
I'm happy that I am able to come home at lunch and not have to work 12-14 hrs a day, 6 days a week. I'm thankful for that and any wife should be.
Put it this way other than during the night, she only has 3 or 4 hours max to "provide ALL the care for him" until I'm here to help.
confuseddaddy is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off