If a wife is stay at home does she do ALL THE WORK? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 7 Old 10-09-2015, 06:27 AM - Thread Starter
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If a wife is stay at home does she do ALL THE WORK?

So my couisn is in a marriage with a guy who does not feel responsible for any work around the house inside or out.
They have one son 9 years old. She is stay at home, he works full time in the office on entry level position that he never got promoted from for the last 12 years.
His take on life is that wife is a slave and a cheap labor and he is a braed winner and and his responsibilities end there.
For the last two years the wife managed to "make him" yes, that is the word as he is fighting it ever since - so she made him to drop of a child on the way to school which added 15 minutes to his regular commute that he still had to do anyway but was extremely unhappy aobout it for the last 2 years. This is the only time the child truly has him as one on one and even that is divided attention but otherwise he does not feel like giving her any companionship or attention unless nagged or otherwise "made".

He spends all day long in front of TV on the sofa while life goes around him without him.

His occassional and limited on "when I feel like it" contributions are:
once a week taking trash out of the garage

that is the only regular thing that he does because trash is on scheadule.

Taking trash from the house is another story as it is heavy and it should be his job but instead he does it twice or three times a week and not always.

Other hten that he occassionally - once a week or sometimes twice will take dishes out of the dishwasher or God forbid load the dishwasher leaving behind filthy dirty countertops dripping with
dirty water, and filthy sink that is clearly NOT part of loading dishwasher.

Other then that he will bring the shopping upstairs only because he is forced to but he does it wiih very sour face and angry attitude.

Whenever any discussion is started about hosuehold duty and child care division his statement is as follows:

I am a bread winner, you should do everything else.

He does not do anything around the home as a structure, everything is dirty, has holes and falls apart. If anythng breaks it takes years, months at best to get fix if ever. Clarly it is not his responsibility eather.

I am wondering if this is t ypical attitude of a husband that is in a marriage with a stay at home mom when he is working.
Is it a common belief that wife has to do everything in and out including landscaping? and raising a kid and taking care of shcool business and shopping and cleaning and organizing events, playdates and taking kids to them and shopping for kid and planning meals and everything inbetween?

It is very frustrating to witness this kind of treatement but I don't have enough information to advis or help her and I decided to ask dads what is going on in your homes?

How do you see a stay at home mom and how much do you expect her to do and how much do you contribute as a hsuband?

Is it a typical for a husband not to love his child and not to want to do anything around but have a strong claim abut the child in terms of trying it to distance and turn the kid against hte mother?

He was not any kind of suport during pregnancy, or over two years of breast feeding, he never woke up a night and helped to bring a baby or take away from nursing mom. He never read one book or one page on baby development, pregnancy and he is not interested in any chid development issues at all. Totally disintersted.

He has a day off every two weeks that was supposed to be his help around the house, he spends this day sleeping for most of the time and the rest of it is watching TV. if he does anything for one hour he feel eXHOSTED and he needs to rest.

Please let me know what other dads expect from their wifes when they are stayed at home moms.
This husband claims that if he is away for 9 hours out of which he has one hour of lunch, that makes his wife due to put the same amount of hard physical labor and she is not entitled to anything else in the given time. And then, when he comes back from work he is allowed to rest because he is tired, while his wife should continue with the scheadule for the reminder of the day.

His current duties also encompensate nowdays for hte last year or so prepareing a child simple lunch that consist of no cooking but just throwing few things together in the box and fixing simple bedtime food as his wife again "make him" to do something that he would otherwise do nothing all day long for hte family and a child and home.

Please do tell me this is a standard behavior of husband w ho.. btw..NEVER cares about his wifes birthdays, nor about their annviersaries, valentines and it is all accoridng to him "not important" and not worthy to bother. No heart given out of love flowers, no gifts ever during their two decades of marriage.

Are all working husbands of stay at home moms like that?
What is that they do and what is that they consider fair?
Are your wifes perfect? are homes spotles, and three course dinner served every night and a wife welcomes you with sleepers newspaper and a drink at the door? Do you do nothing all day and are you being worshiped for that?

Why and how can anyone who works in the office, does all day long what they love and what is relatively easy job and especially for them it is easy and does not require much interaction with people other hten work division meeting but no sales, no customers interaction, no real stress per se..
is it really that difficult for a men?

Also how else it is fair for a wife to spend all her health and strenght on all the housework when this husband clearly is not a keeper and he will leave her sooner or later and she will be on her own in the old age and who will then take care of her and be with her w hen seh will loose last of her health.

She has many health conditions and he does not have any nor the understanding and suport.

Please share your thougts. I will be happy to share with her your wisdom as I have no idea how else to help her.
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#2 of 7 Old 10-09-2015, 06:52 AM
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I'm a stay at home mom and my ex boyfriend did a lot of work in and around the house. He vacuumed, did the laundry during weekends and cooked half the time. I do realize this is too much for many guys though but I was tired, depressed and not in good form at all to be honest.

I'm now living with a new boyfriend and still a stay at home mom. Prior to us moving in with each other I told him I'll cook, do the laundry, clean the house but it's his job to care for the plants, our garden, do the handywork and put the garbage out. I never asked but after dinner and when I put the kids to bed he loads the dishwasher and clears the other clutter from our evening meal.

I'm very allergic for men, husbands and boyfriends who expect that the wife does everything even if she is a stay at home mother. First of all I would feel very underappreciated for all the work I usually do, how can he value your work even a little bit if he never helps you out? I am very sorry for your friend. She sounds like she is in a bad position.

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#3 of 7 Old 10-10-2015, 03:18 PM
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I am a stay at home mom, my husband has a regular 9-5 job. Currently we have 2 kids and we homeschool. My husband and I still mostly share the housework. I do all the cooking, he does all the dishes. I tend to do the vacuuming because I like it, he cleans the bathrooms. I do most of the laundry (but he will do loads if he sees they need done), he does most of the outside chores. When we are both home, we share the parenting. Currently he does more of the pet chores because we still have a nursing toddler so I get tied up at night. He makes sure to spend quality time with the children when he gets home too, usually while I am cooking and he helps every night at bedtime.

When the kids are all teenagers I expect that they will take on more responsibilities, especially his. After the kids are gone, if I do not go back to work I imagine I will do more during the day, not because I feel like I must but more because then when he comes home we could just relax together.

In the end it comes down to I have a husband who respects me and who realizes this is his home too.
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#4 of 7 Old 10-10-2015, 10:38 PM
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I am a SAHM to a 2 yr old dd. my dh is in construction so he works hard physically in the hot sun all day. He leaves at 6 am arrives home at 5 pm. I wake up slow, dd and I are not morning people. We get ready and we do preschool for 1.5 hrs first thing. I clean a bit, make lunch and while my dd naps I clean the rest of the house. We have free time for a bit and I get whatever else I need to get done. Then he comes home and one of us makes dinner (50/50 we both like cooking). Dh cleans kitchen while I put dd to bed. And then we're both done for the day. When dd is weaned this role will switch. Weekends are 50/50 everything. He does outside stuff, gardening, repairs, trash duty, and gives me time to myself. He will play with dd while I take a bath, or walk dd & dog so I can have quiet time. I feel we do about 50/50 on most things and we're both pretty happy in our roles.
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#5 of 7 Old 12-24-2015, 06:52 PM
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From my personal experience, there's no cure for lazy mean people unless they want to change and are taking action, of their own initiative, to change. It's sort of like locking an addict up in rehab when they don't want to get clean. If they don't want to participate, and don't think they have a problem, it's just a waste of time and effort to try to make them change. Maybe suggest couple's counselling to at least have someone else there to mediate communication of how she feels to him? That's a tough one...
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#6 of 7 Old 12-24-2015, 08:32 PM
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When i was a sahm I did all the shopping, bills, and housework I wanted my husband's time at home to be focussed on the children since he only hot tobset them evenings and weekends.

Now that I am yhe working parent I do some stuff but the majority of the housework does fall on my husband. I have had to learn to lower my standards though
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#7 of 7 Old 12-24-2015, 08:38 PM
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As far as romance goes, my husband isn't romantic, we don't do holidays, b-days, anniversary etc. He never would have married someone who expected to be romanced. I'm sorry your friend didn't choose a compatible partner.

Also if I had 1 day off every two weeks the last thing I would want is to be doing work. Maybe your friends husband can get a job where he has 2 days off a week. I don't consider someone who only gets 2 days off a month as lazy, he sounds like he works hard to support his family.

ETA is he depressed or have a health issue? It doesn't sound normal for someone to need to sleep that much of feel exhausted after doing an hour of house work. Is it possible for your friend to get a part time so he can work less hours? What does she do while their 9 year old is in school? When I was a sahm I used the time my husband was at work as my "job". Running the house only took a few hours a day and imo was way less work than what ny husband was doing. I definitely thought being responsible foe all the housework was a good trade off
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Last edited by Sharlla; 12-24-2015 at 08:46 PM.
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