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Not the biggest fan of my kid

7K views 10 replies 4 participants last post by  IsaFrench 
#1 ·
I have a four year old daughter that is the product of a one-time thing. I take her to give her mom a break, and also for my terminally ill mother. She loves her, and so I take her to see her. It is very difficult for me to be loving towards, she cries, she constantly needs me to pick her up and carry her, she whines, she always wants bites of my food, when she spends the night she gets in my bed, she constantly tried to lift up my shirt to look at my tattoos, and harasses my dog. THe other day she jumped on his back and really hurt him. I obviously am upset that he's hurt, but he's 11 and I don't want him to snap at her and then be the one at fault.

Her name is a play on my name which I think the mother did just to piss me off. When she got pregnant I was not thrilled, she told me at the time that she was on birth control, and I believed her. This is someone I have known for a very long time and when we got together it was after we had both gotten out of serious relationships. We even did a test to confirm that she is mine I wanted to just give up my rights but I didn't because my mom had just been diagnosed with a brain tumor.

I'm not mean to her, I watch TV with her, we read, and play, but I just don't like the things she does, especially when it comes to the dog and lifting up my shirt.

Whenever I have my daughter we go and see her because she will not be alive this time next year. Obviously I don't hate my daughter, but I'm not her biggest fan either.

What should I do?
 
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#2 ·
Even a four year old can have certain boundaries set for them.

Dog can be placed in another room for a awhile or you guys can take the dog to the dog park or something where they are both active. A nature trail?

You have the right to keep your shirt on. Just pull your shirt down and do your best to distract her with something else.

Limit the tv and try to find other things to enjoy. Coloring books, puzzles, trips to the local museum or even the grocery store. Keep it chatty, keep it light and don't forget to provide healthy snacks at regular three hour intervals. Even the "brattiest" kids do better if they are kept busy and not hungry. Trust me, I've been a preschool teacher almost five years now.

You may not want or need this child in your life but it sounds like she needs you. Its time to do some adulting and be a decent influence in her life. Do your best not to make her feel unwanted or a burden, those things can really stick with a kid.
 
#3 ·
poor little thing

Kids can be tiresome but at 4 I'm sure every thing she does is done impulsively. I agree, finding something active can help smooth the waters, esp. at this age. My nephew (5ish) loves the park, seeing the dinosaurs at the museum, going on subway trips. Even little things captivate him, things I might not even notice, like the repairs done to the sidewalk become a game. Our house is like a museum for him, it's so different from his own home, and he's constantly asking "Why is ...." and "Why is that...." It's fun to see what he's interested in. I wonder if your daughter loves pictures, have you tried reading to her? A trip to the library can be an excursion all by itself. Don't be surprised if she turns out to have things in common with you or other family members. Kids allow you to be childish again, re-see the world, slow down, share thoughts and ideas that can be insightful and surprising.
 
#5 ·
so glad that she is quiet and gentle when seeing her granny ... maybe that's the maximum "quiet time" and restrain she can cope with doing at ther age (all kids are different, i have 3 and they were all different in that respect ..) so i would suggest youre-think the places you take her to (other than granny's place or bedside) where she's not quiet enough to your liking ... and for the moment, swap them with places where she can be a little more free, run around or whatever .... you do say you take her from her Mom ... so you don't have her with you 100% of the time ... so maybe it's just a question of tweaking gently your options ....so that it's easier on both of you ....
 
#6 ·
Little kids

can be very reactive, if you haven't spent a lot of time with them it can be hard to know what to do, and what set them off. One thing I dealt with with my son around that age was resistance to change or what are called transitions. Every time I would try to do something like get him dressed to go outside, get his shoes on so we could leave a friends house I would have to practically fight with him to get anything done. Some kids do react positively to being warned in advance about what is going to happen so it doesn't feel like it has been sprung on them. And it can take a few reminders. Some kids do not like rush, the more you hurry them along, the more they'll dig in their heels. Kids also deal with wanting everything in the moment and face constant restrictions from the adults around them, it depends on their personality, some kids are more complacent. We recently took my nephew out, and we live in a very urban area compared to what he's used to. He kept trying to lunge towards the subway train tracks and was doodling around heedlessly as kids do, my hubby had to get right down in his face to get him to focus and listen that what he was doing was not safe. I had to do the same thing when my son was little. I would literally have to hold him still and get him to stop moving to pay attention.
 
#7 ·
and to add to that

Little kids get overwhelmed by things pretty quickly (noises, sounds, sights, wanting everything they see, practicing restraint). I learned to really lower my expectations every day. Instead of doing 3 things I'd just do 1 unless I really really had to. The only days my son would "go along" with errands I was trying run were the days he was actually sick and I hadn't realized it yet. We could not go to the mall, for ex. because he would run through stores like the Hallmark store and just knock everything off shelves and he would practically go into hysterics if I tried to clothes shop (for me). I did not even try to go shoe shopping with him unless I absolutely had to. And someone already mentioned this: always carry snacks and drinks with you partially to give them alternatives to junk food, and if going somewhere where waiting is involved, always bring something to do, crayons, matchbox cars, books etc. Every time I took my son to the grocery store, he got to pick out a bun from the bakery section when we were done picking up everything.

This is an article on transitions:
http://raisingchildren.net.au/articles/transitions.html
 
#8 ·
My biggest thing is jumping on my dog. He's old, he minds his own business, and he's good with her. So when she is mean, it makes me mad. I don't want her to hurt him, or have him hurt her defending himself. I've never spanked her, but I almost did the day she jumped on him.
 
#9 ·
i agree that the dog issue is something to tackle soon = the dog IS entitled to NOT being pestered basically.

some degree of physical separation is in order
(a made up low "gate" or piece of furniture to have both kid and dog in different rooms but both under sight maybe ?)
... until she understands that her behavior towards the dog is not something you agree on

every family have their own variety of rules ... one of the rules in your house is "not pestering the dog"

it might take some various strategies (as exemplified above by other posters .... advance warning, finding ways for her to really pay attention when you talk to her, rewards after a certain time etc ...) until she understands that this is a "no" for you in your home and with your dog

(if your dog was known to be a bitter ... you would already have had to implement some sort of strategy, in order to protect your child ... => i have an old friend whose dog is NOT to be trusted around children = my children had to learn FAST that NO, no one was allowed to pet that dog at any time .... but other dogs, yes ... or even we visited a friend with many cats SO THAT they could get a chance to stroke the cats ....)
 
#11 ·
yes, exactly ... i was just saying, am not sure my idea came across as i meant it to ..(not a native speaker) ... that if it was the other way round, you would probably have already taken steps to make sure your kid would be safe (if the dog was known ...etc ...) and that .... your dog is ALSO entitled that you take steps to protect its best interest ... even if that means more work for you to make sure your young child gets the idea .... which hasn't happened yet, for a myriad of reasons, so ... it's just un-fair in a bit (eg, with another child or another personnality, that would have meant less work from you to implement ...) but it means more work for you until you get the results that you deem necessary in that context ....

when my kids were younger ... i was quite annoyed with that idea that .... depending your the situation you are thrown in with all its variables ... your job as a parent may end up considerably easier or harder ... not just because of yourself, or the way you set out to parent, but because you have to address all of these variables ... so a bit like a lotery really ... i understood the concept much better years later, when at a funeral, one cousin of mine was talking with one sister of mine, the later telling her that no, she didn't have to help AT ALL with homework for her second child, why .... (=as in ... being totally oblivious that she was SO SO SO lucky in that respect ... ) ... and our cousin and myself could only stare with jaws nearly droping to the floor ... (and envious too ... that child went far in his studying ...)
 
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